Ongoing Comedy 2: When You Wish Upon a Star Wars.

August 6, 2004

Everyone watched TSL and Anakin argue back and forth like they were watching a ping pong match, and some noticed that TSL was barely restraining her urge to grab her lightsaber and slice the poor little Jedi in half. Ender glanced around and noticed that Chickenman had a large box that he was sitting on.

"What's that?"

"Oh that's just the Binford 6100 Voxyn Woodchipper. I thought that it may come in handy for this mission."

A bunch of the Psycho's gathered round to look at the pretty picture on the box while TSL sneered and snuck off to a back corner of the ship with a small bag in her hand.

Soon the Psychos and Jedi met up with Lando Calrissian. Lando briefed the Psychos on how the transfer would occur and everyone got into their positions. There was a tense feel aboard the ship as they got deeper and deeper into Vong territory.

....

Lando wiped his hands on his pant legs as they were dripping with sweat. He picked his data pad up off of the table and showed the view of 17 young Jedi Knights and 15 Psychopathic Jedi (and Sith) were sitting around a table with uneaten bowls of green thakitillo in front of them (Lando had ordered his chef to serve only the finest food on this journey so that the infiltrators would be good and strong for the mission, and to ease his own guilty conscience for turning them all over to the Vong), to the subaltern that was in the hold with him. "They're all there. Thirty-two Jedi for your cause."

A heavily tattooed and scarred warrior entered via the airlock. "Eia dag lightsabers, Duman Yaught. Yengah doa Jeedai," the subaltern told the warrior.

A shiver went down Lando's spine though he managed to conceal it. He was getting all the more nervous about turning his party over to the Vong. Duman Yaght stepped forward to address Lando. "I am Duman Yaght, commander of the Exquisite Death/ You have some Jeedai for me?"

"For your Warmaster," Lando corrected and showed the Commander the view from the datapad.

...

In the hold....

Anakin was halfheartedly spooning the meal into his mouth oblivious to the whisperings around him.

Ender and Chicken were busy dismantling the Binford 6100 Voxyn Woodchipper into small parts and giving everyone a piece or two for their survival kits.

Prin was walking around giving everyone small containers of Vaselkyjellia's fluid in case they were injured, it healed faster than bacta, and she knew that especially the young Jedi Knights would need it.

Suddenly the door burst in and the Vong boarding party was in the dining area. Everyone paled in the face of so many warriors. Borlash jelly flew everywhere and soon no one was moving until they were transported on board the worldship. Luckily, Jacen had established the group meld quickly for the Jedi and the Psycho's had established their own meld, even though TSL's hold seemed a little staticky. They all worked to neutralize the effects of the borlash jelly and were working their weapons free. As soon as they were clear of Lady Luck and on the worldship they would attack.

Within moments they were in the worldship and they started to attack. All activated their lightsabers and took out half of their captors with several well placed swipes. This was going better than the Psycho's had hoped, if they could get deep into the worldship and fast then they would avoid the torture and breaking period and be able to save more lives. They split into three teams and scattered. To everyone's amazement, TSL joined Anakin's team.

Anakin didn't like this. "NO! You can't come with me! You're a Sith, you're full of the dark side and the dark side is evil. I'm gonna tell Unca Luke and he's gonna save you and bring you back to the light."

TSL dove at Anakin and they rolled around on the ground, hitting each other and pulling hair. Anakin got in a blow to the side of TSL's nose and suddenly her skin split back and started pulling down her body. Everyone gasped in surprise. Furday was the first to recover. "That's no TSL! That's an imposter!"

"Thank you very much Captain Obvious," Drake shot at him, and then shuddered as he realized that he thought that he'd been with his girlfriend and had actually been with a Vong. "Where's my TSLiepoo? What have you done with her?" He broke down and cried in the corner.

............................................................

The real TSL was stuck in the center of the worldship dangling above the Voxyn queen. "That's one ugly creature," she thought. "How do I keep getting into these messes? And where's Drake? I'm going through withdrawl without him. He better not have found some new floozy and forgotten about me. Ooooooooh the Sith will hit the fan if he did."

The Voxyn queen decided to try to get TSL, who was just out of reach, once again. TSL quickly responded by shooting some evil lightning at the queen and then giggling when the few hairs that the queen had, curled. "Heehee, it's a Sith home perm kit, and it's yours, free, courtesy of me, TSL, the cutest lil Sith around."

August 6, 2004

The Yuuzhan Vong imposter uncurled her amphistaff from around her arm and held it as a stiff blade. She began shouting random gibberish in the Vong language.

Em Teedee, Lowbacca's translator droid spoke up. "The Yuuzhan Vong imposter would like to inform you that you are all stupid and smell like the bottoms of ratamaks."

The imposter let out a loud, gutteral scream. "AHHHHH GHAALA BALLA WAH WAH RAAAAAAAA!!!"

The translator piped up again. "She says that your mothers are hampsters and your fathers smell of elderberries. Or maybe it was bumbleberries. I don't know. The translation is iffy."

When the droid was finished translating, the Vong warrior lept into the air and lashed out at Jacen.

Jacen tried to back away. "Eeeeep! Don't hurt me...I'm too whimpy to fight!"

Fortunately for him, two blasts of energy tore a hole through the Vong's amphistaff arm and then through her chest. The body, gushing fluids, landed on top of the cringing Jacen.

"Ahhh! I didn't do it! I didn't want to kill him!" He curled into a fetal position and began sobbing.

"Big wuss." Jaina said as she hauled the dead body off her twin. "Since it obviously wasn't my blubbering brother here...who was hiding the big guns?"

"That would be me!" A large armoured figure stepped out of the shadows followed by several others.

"YVH 1-1A! Yay!" cried the Jedi.

"Nope. That's this guy." The wardroid said while pointing to one of his companions. "My designation is..."

"BANE!" shouted Drake with excitement...despite the loss of Tsl. "How'd you manage to sneak aboard with the rest of the battle bots?"

"Well, Master, I have been following you since you left the Apocalypse at Vaselkyjellia. When you left, I snuck on board your ship and then onto Lando's. I connected with the YVH's, found out what was going on, then joined in the fun." Bane tilted his mechanical head. "Where is Lady Tsl?"

"She was captured by the Vong and replaced by an imposter. You blew a hole in her when you made your entrance."

"Ah. I suppose we shall have to rescue her then." Bane glanced at the Jedi of the group. "With Jedi?" He made a droidish equivalent of a sigh. "I would have prefered an ape with a stick but I guess they'll have to do..."

At that moment, a large group of Vong warriors came out of nowhere. Everyone began fighting and soon the surviving warriors fled.

"That was strange" said Rogue. "The Vong don't usually run away from a fight."

"Ahhh!" cried Jacen.

Jaina rolled her eyes. "What is it this time?"

"They...stole...Lowie!" said Jacen through sobs.

Everyone gasped.

"Oh look" Drake pointed out, in monotone "They took Prin too. What a shame."

"We have to look for our missing team members!" Rogue shouted, in an attempt at whipping the Psychos into shape. "Come on people!"

And so, they spent the next half hour searching for Prin and Lowbacca. During their travels, they came across a few voxyn and their Vong escorts, which they dispatched easily using their superior numbers and firepower.

Finally, they heard the familiar howl of a Wookiee. The group crested a hill and found Lowbacca finishing off a Vong warrior. Several more lay dead at his feet and behind him lay a trembling and barely clothed Princess.

Tekli, the little Jedi rat creature, rushed over to Prin and began checking her over for serious injuries. "What happened to her?" She asked Lowbacca.

He told his story and Em Teedee translated. "Well, during the battle, I saw the warriors knock her out then take her away. I followed them to this place and found them...err...having their way with her, if you know what I mean."

"Ewwwww!" said all of the Jedi, Psychos and droids in unison.

Tekli looked up at Prin. "I heard that the Vong males have barbs that extend on their..."

"They do..." Prin said quietly.

"And I also heard that, when they're done, they rip..."

"They do..." Prin said again with a grimace as she shifted painfully on the ground. "Let's not talk about it anymore..."

"Ewwwww!" everyone said once again.

The Chadra-fan looked to Anakin. "She'll need to carried so that she can go into a Force trance to try and mend her broken womanhood....and pride."

"Right!" said Anakin. But he just stood there, gazing stupidly at Prin's half-naked body. "Hehehe."

Drake sighed and shook his head at the young teen Jedi. "Four of you Jedi who are not important enough for me to remember your names...come here and levitate Prin. We have to keep moving. Up next is the voxyn training ground!"

The company of Jedi, Sith and droids...with Prin in tow...continued on towards the centre of the worldship, to the voxyn queen and to Tsl.

I told you I would have my revenge, Prin. :twisted:

Edited August 6, 2004 by Drake

August 6, 2004

Tsl continued to dangle helplessly over the voxyn queen. It had been nearly thirty minutes now since she'd found herself in this predicamate, and she still wasn't real sure how she'd got there. The queen meanwhile is circling round and round beneath her, licking her lips hungrily.

"Well, I guess I'll wait on everybody to come along and save me," she said. She glanced at her watch and saw that another five mintues had passed.

The voxyn continued to pace back and forth beneath her. Another thirty mintues passed.

"Hmm...I wonder what it is I'm dangling from," said Tsl. She looked down at the voxyn. "What am I hanging from?"

The voxyn growled menacingly.

Tsl wriggled around until she was able to look up. She couldn't see whatever it was she was hanging from. "Oh well," she told the voxyn queen. "What am I hung with? Blorash jelly?"

The voxyn continued to pace, but didn't answer.

"I wonder if Blorash jelly tastes anything like Jell-o..." mused Tsl. "I think it would probably be most like unflavored gelatin, you know? I wonder if adding sugar and flavoring to it would make it good? Perhaps some whipped cream?"

The voxyn licked it's lips and snarled at her.

Tsl began trying to twist around and get a look at the jelly. She was hoping to get a taste of it, but she couldn't seem to locate it. "Maybe it's not jelly," she said.

It was about then that she heard an odd tearing sort of noise.

The voxyn perked up and stared up at whatever Tsl was fastened to. Another tearing sound was followed by Tsl suddenly being lowered towards the voxyn by a couple inches.

"Hey.... What the--?"

And then Tsl was plunging towards the floor....and the waiting open jaws of the voxyn queen.

"AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" she squealed.

"Rawr," said the voxyn queen.

Tsl fell into her mouth. The voxyn's jaws snapped shut as she gave a happy predatory sigh of satisfaction.

And then suddenly, the queen spat Tsl back out. Tsl tumbled up against a soft, fleshy wall and moaned in pain as the voxyn's spit began to dissolve her flesh a bit. She found that her hands and legs were now free though, as the voxyn's spit had dissolved whatever had bound her. She picked up some greyish stuff from around her wrist and looked at is suspiciously. "Duct tape...?"

The voxyn queen had moved to the other end of the room, where she sat wretching and shivering miserably.

Tsl narrowed her eyes in thought. If she had been tied up and dangled with duct tape, than it couldn't have been the Vong who captured her. At least whoever had tried to kill her hadn't succeeded though, as it appreared that the voxyn queen was severely allergic to duct tape!

She tried to get up with every intention of slaying the sick beasty, but her legs didn't want to respond, so she lay still up against the wall, filled her lungs with air, and bellowed, "AAAAAAARCUS!! SAVE MEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!"

August 6, 2004

The Psychos and Jedi rounded a corner, dispatched another voxyn and it's Vong handlers, and charged into what appeared to be the Vong version of a bar, and it was filled with smoke from cigarettes, joints, and other assorted things.

Drake was about to attack when Ender intervened.

"Stop! These Vong are no threat to us. They're stoned out of their minds."

"How do you know that? This could be some sinister illusion, and then they'll jump at us, and cleave the flesh from our bones, and murder us, and..." Jacen rambled

"Shut up." Drake said, and kicked him.

"Mommy!" Jacen screamed.

"I know that because I ran into this same problem back at the beginning of the story. When my commandos were raiding a Vong bunker, all of the warriors there were so stoned that they couldnt fight us."

"The Vong must have a genetic weakness to pot!" Drake said.

"Exactly. And now I know how we will destroy the voxyn queen... put on your oxygen masks. I'll be right back."

Ender made his way through the stoned Vong, back into what appeared to be a storeroom. He grabbed all of the pot the Vong had left, and rolled it up in a giant piece of paper, making a giant joint. He walked back out into the bar, carrying the huge joint.

"Uh, Ender, what are you doing?" Prin asked skeptically.

"Not to worry! Not to worry! We are now armed with mighty joint!" Ender announced.

Drake cackled.

"Now, Furday, you carry this thing. Drake, light it. When we find the voxyn queen, the pot should render her inert, and we will be able to kill her!" Ender said.

"But wont Tsl get stoned out of her mind?" Jacen asked.

"Yeah. She's more fun that way." Ender said.

Everyone snickered, and they made their way through the Vong installation, in search of Tsl.

Edited August 6, 2004 by Ender

August 6, 2004

"My feet hurt!" whined Jacen.

"Oh come on! Can I please kill him?" wailed Drake.

"No." was Rogue's answer.

"Can't I just kill him a little?"

"No."

"Fine."

***

As they contiuned marching along with the joint, they saw a gigantic plantlike shape.

"It's a giant!" cried out Beeurd.

"It's a plant!" shouted Jaina.

"It's a photosynthetic, eukaryotic, multicellular organism of the kingdom Plantae characteristically producing embryos, containing chloroplasts, having cellulose cell walls, and lacking the power of locomotion, produced at a large proportion." said Anakin. ((Conveneintly stolen from dictionary.com, except for the large proportion part))

Everyone just stared at him.

"Geez Bob, they act like they've never heard anyone converse in scientific terms." Anakin commented, walking away.

"NO! I know what it is!" cried out Chickenman. "It's Anakin, the Potted Plant!"

"Yes it is Chicken! Turns out Tsavong Lah is a much better friend then you! And look, they give me extra fertilizer!" Anakin the Potted Plant said.

"Leaves us." Chicken said to the Psychos and the Jedi. "I'll deal with him."

Chicken's two lighsabers apeared in his hands. One red, one blue.

"Oh I get it!" said Jacen. "Since bad guys use red and good guys use blue, you want to show the ever present balance between light and dark!"

"No, I just think they look cool." Chicken answered.

"Can I please kill him now?" Drake whined.

"Chickenman, it's time to meet your doom!" Anakin the Potted Plant said.

"Oh yeah? Well...your moma is...umm...fat!" Chicken answered.

"Oh no you dit int!" Anakin shouted.

Chicken lept at him, and the battle began.

The Psychos and Jedi shrugged and continued on their way, leaving Chicken behind to fight the potted menace.

Edited August 6, 2004 by Chickenman

August 6, 2004

Prin was floating in a sea of agony. Even in the healing trance, the memories of the Vong having thier way with her were too fresh. There was just so many of them. And their size, they were just so big. She felt degraded, here she was, ruler of an entire planet, being passed around like a hunk of meat by these big and oh so manly warriors.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Not that!" Prin startled all of the other Psychos with her scream that jolted her out of the healing trance. The young Jedi that were levitating her were so scared that they lost their grip on her and she fell onto the hard ground.

Everyone jumped and Anakin, the little pervert that he was, leered at Prin's still scantily clad body. Prin moaned in pain and curled up into a ball and began scanning her injuries. Scanning her abdominal area she noticed that something was growing. Growing quickly. The number of cells there was doubling all the time and was looking for a place to implant. Prin screamed again. "NO! It can't be! It's impossible! I'm... I'm PREGNANT! Those sithspawned Vong will pay for this. I'm going to lose my girlish figure all because they couldn't get enough of me. I'll kill them. I'll kill them all! Lemme at em. Lemme at em!"

Tekli stepped forward and placed a hand on Prin's arm and soon Prin was deep within a healing trance once again. Tekli took some of the Vaselkyjellia goo and spread it all over Prin to aid in the healing process and then took a spare Jedi robe and covered her with it.

The rest of the group (minus Chicken and the woodchipper) stared at each other. Prin was pregnant, with a child that was half Psycho and half Vong. What would this mean for the group?

August 6, 2004

Chicken swung.

Anakin parried.

Chicken swung.

Anakin parried.

Anakin swung. The blade buried itself into Chicken's stomach.

"NO!!!!!!" Chicken cried out.

The Screen said GAME OVER.

"You cheated! Best 4 out of 7!"

"Just admit you suck at Jedi Academy already!" Anakin said.

"NEVAAAR!!!!!" And the lighsabers, the real ones, were back in his hands.

He was about to swing when...

"Wait Anakin, I sense a disturbance in the Force!" cried out Chicken. Through the Force, he recieved word of Prin's "condition." He laughed. And laughed. And laughed. He was rolling on the floor laughing.

"What is it?" Anakin asked. And then he found out. He laughed. And laughed. And laughed. "That's a disturbance all right!" he cried out in between giggles.

"Anyway, where were we?" asked Chicken.

"The battle?"

"Oh yeah."

The dueled. And dueled. And dueled.

"Apparently this battle can not be decided by our skills with a lightsaber." Chicken commented.

"Then what do we use?" asked Anakin.

"I know! Yo Moma so stupid, she tried to put the M&Ms in alphabetical order!"

"Yeah? Well yo moma so fat, people jog around her for exercise!"

"Yo moma so fat, when her beeper goes off, people think she's backing up!"

"Yo moma so fat, she had to go to sea world to get baptized."

"Yo moma is so big, she doesn't return calls from Speilberg!"

"Yo moma is so fat, she has to iron her pants in the driveway!"

"Yo moma is so stupid, she got locked in a supermarket and starved!"

"Yo mama so stupid when she read on her job application to not write below the dotted line she put "O.K."

"Yo moma is so fat, she was floating in the ocean and Spain claimed her as the New World."

Anakin took a step back.

"No!" cried out Anakin.

"Yes!"

Anakin bowed down to Chickenman.

"I lose" he said.

"Yes you do." and Chicken shoved Anakin into the woodchipper.

He ran to meet up with the others.

Note: Sorry Mom. I was joking.

Edited August 6, 2004 by Chickenman

August 6, 2004

As the team made their way past Vong stoned out of their minds, Drake thought he heard something call his name.

"Did you hear something, Bane?" he asked the wardroid.

"Quite clearly, Lord. It was Lady Tsl shouting 'AAAAAAARCUS!! SAVE MEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!'" Bane said, copying Tsl's voice and volume as he said it.

Everyone, including the stoners, stopped and stared at Bane.

"Thanks Bane..." Drake said as he cleaned the wax out of his ears.

"Let's hurry and save her!" cried Beeurd, "Before the Vong give her a nerfherder child like Prin!"

Prin cried.

Drake growled at the thought.

They ran out of the the Vong bar but stopped short as twenty voxyn and three times as many Vong surrounded them. Everyone ignited their lightsabers and readied their weapons.

"There's no way out of this without losses, XO..." Rogue whispered to Drake. "We need to get away somehow."

"I have an idea" Drake whispered back. "I don't know if it will work but it's worth a shot."

Drake stepped away from the group, towards the nearest Vong. From the amount of scarring and tatooing on his body, he appeared to be the leader.

"Step no closer, Jeedai." The Vong said in heavily accented Basic. "You have violated the purity of our house" he motioned to the the smokey bar, "and for that you shall die!" The Vong brought his amphistaff down but stopped the blade at Drake's neck.

Drake didn't flinch. He kept his gaze fixed on the Vong leader's eyes. "Now normally I wouldn't have hesitated to end your worthless life in a heartbeat for calling me a Jedi...but today you're lucky."

"Uh?" said the confused Vong.

Drake grinned then produced a Molsen Canadian beer can from his Sithly attire.

"You're going to give the Vong beer?" Ender asked.

"Of course not. I wouldn't waste it on them!" then Drake began to viciously shake the can of beer. This lasted for several minutes, with everyone watching him intently, until he stopped. The can was literally trembling with the pressure. Drake grinned once more then hurled the can high into the air.

It exploded.

From the cloud of beer spray, a portal opened. It rapidly grew in size and brightness, causing everyone to shield their eyes. Even though no one could see, they could still hear and what they heard, coming out of the portal, was loud honking, sqwaking, the beating of wings...and then the cries and screams of the Vong as they died.

The light from the portal finally dimmed, allowing everyone could see again. What they saw was ten great birds with riders on their back. The mounts and their riders circled above the Vong ranks, randomly swooping down to grab warriors then hurl them high into the air. The Vong themselves were running around, trying to get away. They noticed that all of the voxyn were killed first. A couple of them lay ripped apart near the group.

"YAR!!" shouted Ender. "Wait! Are those...giant Canadian geese!?"

"Yup! I just called in some friends of mine" Drake said then grinned. "Let's go help them out!"

Everyone rushed forward and began killing more Vong. The geese riders lept from their mounts and landed on the battlefield. From their belts, they each removed a can of beer. With much dramatic flourish, they opened the cans. There was a 'snap-hiss' as the metalic seal broke and the pressure was released. However, instead of beer, energy blades extended from the cans. With their lightsabers, the riders began hacking up Vong. After a several minutes, all of the enemy warriors were dead.

The apparent leader of the group of riders walked up to Drake. He wore a suit of armour and a helmet shaped in the snarling visage of a cougar. Engraved on his breastplate was the maple leaf. The man and Drake clasped arms.

"Thanks for showing up! I havn't had to use the can portal in a while and didn't know if you guys would respond!" Drake exclaimed.

"No problem. Anything for a fellow Canuck, eh?" The man laughed.

Drake turned back to the group. "Let me introduce you to the other members of the Canadian Coalition. The greatest warriors of the North."

The leader removed his helmet. It was none other Mike Myers himself!

The rest of the CCers stepped forward and took off their helmets. There was Jim Carey, Bob & Doug McKenzie, Carrie-Anne Moss, Keanu Reeves, Amanda Tapping, half of Sum 41, and lastly Hayden Christensen.

As everyone crowded around, asking for autographs, Anakin walked over to Hayden.

"Grandpa!" he said gleefully.

"Uhh...do I know you?" Hayden asked while backing away slowly.

"It's me! Anakin! I was named after you! Gimme a hug, gramps!" Anakin tackle hugged Hayden.

"Ahhhh! Get it offa me!" Hayden cried while attempting to squirm away from Anakin's tight hug. He finally managed to kick the boy away. "Crazy fanboys..." he muttered.

"Well, it's time for us to go" said Mike Myers. "The Red Green Show will be on soon and we can't miss it!"

Everyone waved as the Canadian Coalitioners mounted their geese and flew back through the beer portal. It closed behind them, leaving everyone to get back to the mission.

"Well..." started Beeurd, "That was certainly random."

Edited August 6, 2004 by Drake

August 7, 2004

"Random is good!" Drake said.

"Pinapples!" Agreed Beeurd.

"We should all be more random!" Rogue said

"What?" Jacen gasped. "But random... No... the Jedi Order." The confused Jedi shook his head. "Random is the path to the Dark Side."

"Shut up, Jace." Anakin said. "Join the Random Side!"

Anakin then proceeded to randomly toast his datapad on a randomly placed portable stove.

"Yar! Randomness!" Ender yelled with glee, then randomly shot beeurd with a blaster.

"Ouch! Damn you..." Beeurd said, then died.

"TREASON!!!" Rogue cried. "Ender, you just killed Beeurd!"

"Ah don't worry," Drake said, "he'll walk in, in a new clone body in a minute."

Just then Beeurd floated down from the sky, clad in white robes with huge white wings and a halo.

Drake s######ed. "Maybe not."

"Ennnnndeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeer!" Beeurd wailed, "You turned me into an ANGEL!!! You sithspitting sithy pile of nerfherding sithspit!!"

"Whoops" said Ender.

August 8, 2004

Several hours had passed since Tsl was spat out by the voxyn queen, and she was still lying on her back up against the wall. She'd yelled for help, but no one seemed to have heard her, and she didn't want to yell anymore for fear of attracting the attention of the Vong.

The voxyn queen had wretched until she had nothing left to wretch with. Now she just lay shivering and dry heaving repeatedly next to a small lake of voxyn puke. The stench was awful.

At least it'll likely keep the Vong away from here, thought Tsl.

The acid voxyn spit was still on Tsl's skin, and though she was no longer within the jaws of the beastie, she was slowly being digested. Mr. T's jewelry, still embedded in her skin, was fading from a shiney gold to a coppery green and her clothing was full of small holes.

I'm going to die, she thought miserably.

Just then, a blinding white light appeared directly above her. She squinted and tried to see what it could be, but was forced to avert her eyes. When she was able to look again, she saw a beautiful creature, dressed all in white, with great feathery white wings, a golden halo over it's head, and carrying a golden harp. She gasped in shock.

"Beeurd?!!?!!" she said.

"Yes," said the angellic Beeurd. "I have been sent to comfort you in your time of need."

"Sent? By whom. And how.....how did you end up....like.....like this?" she asked.

"I died. And rather pathetically too," he said bitterly. "Ender shot me in a fit of raging randomness. Now I have to go about comforting people. It really sucks." He began strumming a hymn on his harp.

"Wow. Sorry to hear about the whole dying thing, man," said Tsl. "But you never answered me. Who sent you? Was it.........God?" she asked.

"Nope," replied the angel.

"Jesus?"

"Nah."

"....Allah?"

"Pfft, no."

"Who sent you then?" she asked.

"Ernie sent me," he shrugged.

"Ernie? The name of the almighty creator of the universe, the true god, the actual diety for real is named.....Ernie?" she asked incredulously.

"Nah, Ernie's just the general manager in charge of comfortation assignments. As a newbie angel, this is all I get to do for now. The fighting evil stuff comes way later. Plus, I really think you have to have connections, if you know what I mean."

"So, Ernie works for God?" she asked. She was feeling a little overwhelmed by all this.

"Pfft, no!" said Beeurd. "I'm a nondenomenational angel. No dieties involved. We're a non-profit organization operating out of Coruscant with regional districts all over the Galaxy."

Tsl merely nodded blankly.

"So..." said Beeurd. "What'll it be? Soft singing? Harp playing? Want your life flashed before your eyes? Oh, and you'll want to choose your tunnel of light. You can get the golden for free or get pearl or the irridessant for a few credits more. Personnaly I'd say it's worth it. The Pearl tunnel is awesome."

"Wait...what are you talking about?" she asked, alarmed.

"Well, I'm here to do my job and comfort you, so what'll it be? Most folks prefer the life flashing before your eyes thing, or so I'm told. I personally chose the harp music for myself. Very soothing. Unfortunately, I died so quickly, I only got to hear a few bars....."

"I'm dying?!" she said, now very alarmed.

"Well...yeah," he said.

"Nooooo!" she said. "You have to save me! The others....they'll be here soon! Drake will rescue me and Tekli can heal me and I'll be fine!"

Beeurd pulled a little card out of his pocket and read it over quickly. "Nope, I'm not wrong. Says your name right here. You're dying, and I'm supposed to comfort you, so pick your comfortation method, please."

Tsl began to cry.

"Oh kriff!" said Beeurd. "Don't do that! C'mon, Tsl, cut me a break, huh? This is my first assignment and I don't want to look like an idiot and botch it up! All the other nondenomenational angels will laugh at me!"

Edited August 8, 2004 by Tsl

August 8, 2004

"Pfft, do I look bothered!?" Tsl complained. "Drake will kill you when he finds out you let me die!"

"Well, I'm already dead, so that's not really a threat..." Beeurd said.

"He'll kill you more, then." Tsl said angrily.

"More than dead?" Beeurd gasped.

"Yeah!" Tsl said, "so just help me out here!"

"But..." Said Beeurd, "I'll lose my job! Do you have any idea how hard it is to get a job when you are dead?"

"I could imagine it would be quite difficult." Tsl said.

She went quiet, as if accepting her fate, and Beeurd started to play a soothing song on his harp.

"I would sing too, but that's an extra 10 credits." Beeurd added.

Tsl shuddered at the thought of Beeurd singing, then suddenly yelled out loud: "BEEURD!!! HELP MEEEEE!!!"

"Geez, alright." Beeurd said, admitting defeat. "If it's going to shut you up then I'll save you."

Just then Beeurd's comm beeped and he answered it. "Hello?"

A rather angry sounding voice babbled on at him then Beeurd put the comm away.

"Well I hope you are happy," he said to Tsl, "That was Ernie, I just lost my job for saying I would save you."

"Oh, I'm sorry, Beeurd..."

"I might as well help you now."

"Yay!" Tsl said happily. "I mean, aww, I didn't mean to make you lose your job.

Another angel appeared beside Beeurd.

"What are you doing here?" asked Beeurd.

"I've come to take over from you, and take your wings and halo back." said the new angel.

"But how?" Beeurd said. "You can have the halo, but the wings are attatched to my body."

A magicall pair of giant scissors appeared the other side of Beeurd.

"Argh!" Beeurd screamed.

"Snippy snippy!" said the scissors eagerly.

Beeurd ran over and freed and healed Tsl quickly, and handed her a lightsaber. Beeurd ignighted his own, it was a ice-blue bladed angelic model with a silvery hilt.

"Calm yourself, Tsl." the other angel said, and started playing the soothing music.

"Shut it, angel boy!" Tsl yelled, and picked up Beeurd's harp and smasjed the other angel over the head with it.

"Ouch, quit it!" the angel cried, and floated away into the corner where she couldn't reach him.

Meanwhile, Beeurd was running away from the scissors.

"I'm gonna cut you up!" The scissors said menacingly.

"Leave me alone!" Beeurd said as he ran, occasionally stopping to slash at the scissors.

"Snippy snip snip!!!" Said the scissors as they closed in on Beeurd's wings.

"Ha!" Beeurd shouted, as he spun around and cut off the points from the magical scissors.

"Mommy!" The scissors started crying and dissapeared.

"Ohhh, I feel... EVIL!!!" Beeurd said, as he flew over to beat the crap out of the other angel.

Soon, Beeurd had transformed into an angel of darkness.

"Bwahahahahahaha!!!" Beeurd cackled evilly.

"Wow, Beeurd." Tsl said, "You've changed a bit."

And indeed he had, for now Beeurd was clad in dark robes, lined with red, his angelic lightsaber was replaced by a red-bladed lightsaber with a black hilt, his halo was gone, and his wings were black.

"Damn, I look evil." Beeurd said, as he looked into a mirror.

"Let's go find Drake and the others!" Tsl said enthusiastically.

"They are headed this way," Beeurd explained... "By the way, where did the voxyn queen go?"

August 9, 2004

The psychos hurried as fast as they could to where the voxyn queen was kept. But they were stopped by a squad of Vong. And leading the Vong was none other than...Avril Lavigne! The pyschos were paralyzed with fear.

"Hey Drake, shouldn't she be in the Canadian Coalition?" Chicken asked.

"Would you accept her in a coalition?" Drake replied.

"DO'RICKY VON PRAT!" Avril cried out.

"Huh?" asked the psychos.

A Vong Warrior whispered in her ear.

"Oops. DORO'IK VONG PRATTE!!!! Sorry, this Yuuzhan Vong language is pretty complicated." Everyone groaned. The psychos and Vong clashed. In the end, the only Vong left standing was Avril. And she held one of Chicken's lightsabers.

"Hey! Give me that!" Chicken cried out.

"NEVAAR!!!! Did you think that I was gonna give it up to you?"

Everyone groanded again.

Chicken ignited his other lightsaber and lept at Avril.

"This is for the countless hours where my sister played your songs at maximum volume from her radio!" he yelled.

A fierce battle followed.

"Hey," wondered Ender. "if Avril is a Vong now, why didn't they vongform her?"

"Because," explained Prin. "She was already vongformed!"

"This has got to be one of the strangest duels I've ever taken a part in." Chicken muttered.

"I'm with you." she agreed.

"Shut UP! Your songs suck!" Chicken screamed. And in a fury he charged at Avril. His fury pushed her back. They were moving towards a cliff. He was pushing her back...back...lightsabers swinging...back...back...

"Yes! That's it Chicken! Give into the dark side!" Drake called out.

Avril was now on the edge of the cliff.

She fell.

"SO MUCH FOR MY HAPPY ENDING......!!!!!!" the creature cried out as she plummeted.

Edited August 9, 2004 by Chickenman

August 12, 2004

Tsl pointed to the other side of the room, where the voxyn queen was stretched out on her side moaning.

"That's her? That's the infamous, evil, queen of all voxyn?" asked Beeurd the Evil Angel of Doom.

"Yup," nodded the newly healed Tsl.

"What'd you do to her?"

"I fed her some duct tape," grinned Tsl. "Oh, and somebody tried to kill me! I was tied up with the stuff and dangled!"

"Oh no!" cried Beeurd in shock. "Not dangled!"

"Yes," said Tsl solemly. "I was dangled nearly unto my death. Luckily, the queenie here is deathly allergic to duct tape!"

Beeurd floated over to the queen to have a better look at her. She was busy dry heaving and never noticed the Angel of Doom hovering over her.

"Man....you reek!" said Beeurd.

The voxyn queen looked up at that point, saw Beeurd in all his evil glory, and actually flinched and cowered on the ground.

"Bwahahaha!" cacked Beeurd.

Then voxyn queen rolled over onto her back and exposed her throat, like a dog that's been bested in a fight, and began to whine pitiously.

"Awwwwwwwwww!" said Tsl. "She's begging for mercy, the poor wittle cutie wootie voxyn queen!"

"Huh?" said Beeurd. "Since when do you feel sorry for victims?"

"I dunno..." said Tsl. She looked kind of concerned about this new feeling of protectiveness over another creature. "She's just so cute, and helpless."

"Helpless?"

"And it's all my fault she's not feeling well, poor baby," Tsl began to pet the voxyn as though it were a giant cat.

"Uhhh.....Tsl?" said Beeurd, concerned.

"Awww! She's purring!" said Tsl enthusiastically. And indeed, the voxyn queen was happily purring as Tsl rubbed her belly.

It was at this point that the others caught up to them.

"Whoa, Beeurd!" said Ender in shock. "What the hell happened to you?"

"You killed me, you ass," said Beeurd. "Now I am the Angel of Doom."

"Ohhh yeah! I like the new look! Very evil!" Ender gave Beeurd a thumbs up.

"Err....Tsl?" said Drake. He'd just spotted her petting and fussing over the voxyn. "Is that the voxyn queen?"

"Yup!" she replied cheerfully.

"Err....then why are you petting it and calling it 'dearie'?" he asked.

"She's feeling bad for it," explained Beeurd.

"She's what?!!" he said, offended and ready to defend Tsl's honor.

"The poor wittle voxy woxy is not feeling well. Poor baby....It'll be okay! Mommy's here!" continued Tsl. The queen was really enjoying the attention, and started wagging her tail happily.

"Tsl! Get away from there! We have to kill the voxyn queen and get off this horrid Worldship!" yelled Rogue, drawing her lightsaber.

"NOOO!" screamed Tsl, alarmed. She threw her arms around the queen's neck and sort of shielded the voxyn's body with her own. "You can't hurt her! She's mine!"

"What?!!" said Anakin.

"We're going to take her home with us, and love her, and care for her. At least until she gets better.....right sweetie?" she asked Drake. SHe gave him puppy dog eyes as she cuddled the voxyn.

Edited August 12, 2004 by Tsl

August 12, 2004

"But when it gets better, we can kill it, right?" said Drake, worried at the thought of having a vicous Force-sensing predator following them round.

(( hehe, just a little postie... ))

August 18, 2004

Beeurd sniffed the air. "Uh guys, what's burning?"

Everyone looked around and saw Prin building a fire in the center of the room. They all looked at her.

"What? Come on, somebody kill the Queen already. I'm hungry for some BBQ Voxyn."

It seemed impossible, but everyone's jaws dropped even lower. Rogue walked over to Prin. "Um, sis, you ok? I mean, you don't really want to eat Voxyn meat do you?"

Prin let loose a torrid rain of speech in Vong, that neither she nor anyone else really understood, but they all stood back a lil further. Prin took a deep breath and composed herself. "Um, sorry guys. You know, mood swings and cravings." She paused and turned green in the face and ran off to a corner of the room.

"And morning sickness too," Furday commented.

TSL took a protective stance in front of the Voxyn Queen. "Nobody kills the Queenie Weeny. She's my precious lil pet and I'm gonna take care of her. And I don't care what you think!"

Prin returned looking a little better and grabbed her lightsaber. "I'm hungry! I want to eat! Now!"

August 19, 2004

Soon everyone was arguing amongst themselves.

"We need to kill that voxyn!" Prin protested.

"Don't touch my voxy woxy!" TSL cried.

"Umm? Guys?" said Chicken. "Make up your minds quick! Cause some Vong are running over here!"

"Distract them!" Ender shouted back. Then he went back to the argument.

"Distract them??? Allright..." Chicken replied.

******************

Chicken walked over to the Vong. He drew a microphone from his belt. He thumbed it on.

"Hey! How are you guys?" Chicken asked.

"Fine! How are you?" replied the battalion sized force of Vong.

"I'm good! Well, we have a great show planned for tonight, and I hope you enjoy!"

"Yeah!!!!" cried out all the Vong.

"Allright, let's get this party started!"

A voicover began speaking "It's the late show with host, Chickenman! Today's special guests, Darth Vader, Lil John, and the camerman, Eddie! Special Musical Performance by Jar-Jar Binks! And heeeeeerrrrre's Chicken!"

At that point, the band began playing and Chicken walked out from behind a curtain. The Vongs went crazy.

"Thank you! Thank you! Well, we've got a good show today. Umm...you guys look like your gonna be a great audeince. I think it's gonna be a great show. Except...I dunno about this band." The Vong began booing the band. "Yeah. I don't like them either!" Chicken said.

At this point, the Foo Fighters ran into the studio, amidst many a cheer. They drew their scimtars, and killed the members of the band.

"Wow! The Foo Fighters just stormed the studio and killed my band! No way!" He turned to David Grohl. "Would you like to play here?"

"What do you think we stormed in here and killed the former band for?" David asked.

"Oh...right!" Chicken cried out. "Now we have Davey and...can I call you Davey?"

"Only if you'd like to be hit over the head with a guitar every time you say it." David replied.

"David it is! Anyway, we'll be right back after these messages!"

***************

A man stares uncertainly at the camera, then begins to speak.

Man: When I have a real craving for fine food, I can always turn to Ewok Donalds. They have just the right stuff. I love taking my family there, and my kids absolutly love the place.

A brief shot of the kids aiming there blasters at the the man is seen.

A voiceover begins speaking.

VO: And if you come now, you can get our super happy meal!

Ender walks over to the counter and orders some GungaNuggets

Ender: I wonder what toy I got!

Ender takes a pistol out of his happy meal box.

Ender: Oh wow! I can shoot something with this!

Ronald McEwok: Another satisfied customer!

***************

"Okay, so we're back!" Chickenman said. "Now you all know him, you all love him, our first guest is Darth Vader!"

Vader walked out from behind the curtains. Chicken went over and shook his hands.

"Thank you." Vader said.

"So uh...Vader...it's been a long time."

"Yes *breath* it has."

"Yes it has. So, how are the wife and kids."

"Wife's dead. Little Luke saved the galaxy, and little Leia ran off with some smuggler."

"I'm so sorry about your wife."

"Don't be. She was a *censored* *breath*."

"Who cares? She was hot! Anyway, so did you know that your son is on this very planet, right now?"

"Why as a matter of fact, I did, Chickenman. We just met outside the studio and caught up on things."

"Sounds nice."

"Yeah. *breath*"

"So, your working on a new book. Would you like talk about that?"

"*Breath* Sure. I'm currently writing a book called Kim Possible, the Unauthorized Biography. *breath*"

The Vong went wild at this.

"Really?"

"*Breath* Yes.*"

"And is it also true your an extra in the new Disney Movie the Princess Diaries 2?"

"Yes, and I got to meet Julie Andrews, that was fun."

"Really?"

"Yes, she was very nice."

"Okay that's it for me, but we have time for one email question. Beeurd, from somewhere in Britain wants to know: What is it with your breathing problem?"

"*Breath* What breathing problem?"

"Oookay...we'll back after this commercial break!

****************

Person: What? Corsec is having an affair with a fax machine? How can I find more stories like this?

VO: In Psycho Weekly of Course! PW is the only official GB.net tabloid. With such gripping stories as "Chicken has a baby" how can you not subscribe? And if you call in now, you can 6 issues for a bottle cap! Yes six issues for half the price! And we'll even throw in the PW swimsuit issue! So call now!

Chicken: I did not have a baby! I'm male!

VO: Suuure.

Chicken: What do you mean sure? I did not have a baby!

VO: Riiiight

VO: PW is sponsored by Ewok Donalds.

Ronald McEwok: Another Satisfied customer!

******************

Chicken took a drink from his Ewok Donald's Coffee Mug before speaking again.

"Okay! So we just talked with Vader. Nice guy, despite the...evil. Next up, we have Lil John!"

The Vong went wild as Lil John stepped from behind the curtain.

Lil John extended his hand to Chicken.

"Sorry, I prefer not to touch rappers with my hands." Chicken replied. They both sat down. "So, Lil John. How are you?"

"WHAT???!!!!"

"How are you?"

"WHAT???!!!"

"How are you?"

"OKAY!!!!!!"

"Well that's cool. So uh...Lil John-"

"WHAT???!!!"

"Nothing, I was just trying to make conversation."

"OKAY!!!!!!"

"You know what...I'm getting bored with this!"

And so Chicken's lightsabers apeared in Chicken's hands. Lil John was no more.

The Vong went absolutly crazy.

"Well, it seems our guest...err...had to leave...so we'll be back with Eddie the Cameraman after this."

***************

The scene is Endor.

Stormie 1: You know, this job is so boring. I wish something exciting would happen like a rebel attack on the Death Star or something.

Ronald McEwok: Don't worry! I know how to help you two!

At Ewok Donald's.

Stormie 2: Ronald helped make a boring tour of duty into an exciting adventure.

Stormie 1: Shouldn't we be guarding the shield generator?

Stormie 2: Let me finish my nerfburger!

Loud explosions follow.

Ronald McEwok: Another Satisfied Customer!

******************

"And we're back! Before we go to our next guest, I'd like to show you something I got out of an Ewok Donald's Happy Meal." Chickenman pulled out a disruptor rifle. "I mean look at this thing!" Chicken said as he picked off some Vongs in the crowd. "And the best part is, each and every one of you gets a free disruptor rifle for coming here!"

The Vong went ecstatic.

"Okay! Next guest is Drake!...Wait a second, what happened to Eddie?"

"Umm...he met with an unfortunate elevator accident." Drake said.

"Oh. Okay. So Drake! Your the leader of Sith Dominion?"

"Yes I am, along with lady TSL."

"Right, right. That's nice. Whatever. So, why exactly did you kill our cameraman, what made you want to come on this show so badly?"

"Well, you see, I wanted to spread my message of evil. May I?"

"Knock yourself out."

"Okay...it all started 20 years ago..."

Three hours later...

"So then my fleet moved in to wipe out-"

"Gee, I think we're out of time! When we come back, a special musical performace by Jar-Jar Binks! Stay tuned!"

The Vong clapped.

****************************

THIS SPACE FOR RENT

****************************

"Okay! We're back and heeeeerrrrre's Jar-Jar!" Chicken introduced.

Jar-Jar walked up to a stool with a guitar.

"Mesa will be playing a bombad song by the Who."

"WHO???" asked the Vong

"The Who."

"OH." replied the Vong.

Jar-Jar began playing.

"No one knows what it's like

To be the bad man

To be the sad man

Behind blue eyes

No one knows what it's like

To be hated

To be fated

To telling only lies

But my dreams

They aren't as empty

As my conscience seems to be

I have hours, only lonely

My love is vengeance

That's never free

No one knows what it's like

To feel these feelings

Like I do

And I blame you

No one bites back as hard

On their anger

None of my pain and woe

Can show through

But my dreams

They aren't as empty

As my conscience seems to be

I have hours, only lonely

My love is vengeance

That's never free

When my fist clenches, crack it open

Before I use it and lose my cool

When I smile, tell me some bad news

Before I laugh and act like a fool

If I swallow anything evil

Put your finger down my throat

If I shiver, please give me a blanket

Keep me warm, let me wear your coat

No one knows what it's like

To be the bad man

To be the sad man

Behind blue eyes"

The Vong began crying at the beautifullness of it. Even a couple psychos were teary eyed. They had never realized how Jar-Jar felt.

"Well that was fun!" cried out Chicken, and now a lightsaber was in his hands. Jar-Jar was no more. "Drive safely!"

Laughing, the Vong left the studio, Chicken's distraction had worked. Chickenman hiked over to where the rest of the Psychos were. They all stared at him.

"What?"

Edited August 19, 2004 by Chickenman

August 21, 2004

"Well Chicken" Drake began, "while you were off hosting your talk show many things took place here. This is what happened..."

Prin and Rogue clapped gleefully. "Story time! Yay!"

"It's not really much of a story. We all just lived through it...well, except Chicken, of course." Drake rocked back and forth.

Prin shrugged. "Gives me a reason to sit down."

Drake nodded. "You have a point. Everyone gather 'round!"

All of the Psychos and Jedi gathered around Drake, who is now sitting on a large rocking chair in front of them with a big story book in his hands.

He opened it to the first page and began to read. "Once upon a time in big castle that floated high above a magical land known as Myrkr..."

Everything goes all wavy as the story shifts into a flashback.

"AHHH!! Hold on!" shouted Beeurd as the temporal fluxuations, associated with flashbacks, washed over everyone.

And then the flashback took effect.

***

Everyone watched as Chicken walked off to fight the Vong or something but they quickly went back to the favorite GB pass-time...arguing!

"It's mine!" shouted Tsl, while pulling on the back legs. "She's my preciousss!"

"It's mine!" cried Prin, while pulling on the front legs of the voxyn queen. "I'm hungry!" The queen growled at Prin. "Uhh...can we switch ends, please?"

"Mine!"

And it went on like this for some time with everyone else looking back and forth as if they were watching a ping pong match.

"50 creds say they just drop the thing and jello wrestle." Ender muttered to Furday.

Furday cackled then wandered off to make some jello.

"Okay ladies." Drake said as he stepped closer, cautiously. "I know a way for both of you to have your way."

Tsl and Prin both dropped the voxyn queen with a thud and a yelp then turned to Drake.

"How can you do that?" asked Tsl.

"I read about it once in a book...I think it was Children of the Jedi or something. Anyway, there was this guy named Shamus, I think, and he had to help these two Bothans who where arguing over a pie. Shamus settled their dispute by stealing the pie and eating it."

Rogue shook her head. "No, no, no. That was Solomon...from the Bible."

"Oh right! The Bible. I was close! I remember now. He wanted to chop a baby in half. That was cool. I should make a movie about that except have him actually chop the baby in half..." Drake grinned evilly.

"Get to the point!" said an impatient Prin.

"Right! So anyway, I suggest that we chop the voxyn in half and each of you gets a half. That's fair, right?"

"Yesss! Kill it!" hissed Prin.

"Nooo! Don't kill my baby!" cried Tsl as she huggled the voxyn queen protectively.

"Okaaay. Well, I tried." Drake shrugged and then wandered off to make a cameo on Chicken's talk show. A couple minutes later he came back to find that the plot hadn't progressed at all. "Oh come on people! Prin...you can use this one to cook." He reached behind a tree and pulled out a dead voxyn. "Tsl, you can keep your baby."

And with that, everyone was happy. Prin started cooking up her meal and Tsl played 'Fetch the Jedi' with her new pet and one of the nameless Jedi twerps that no one will miss. Furday came back with an AT-AT full of jello which everyone ate for dessert.

Chickenman hiked over to where the rest of the Psychos were. They all stared at him.

"What?"

Then the flashback ended and everyone continued with the adventure.

Edited August 21, 2004 by Drake

August 21, 2004

"Whooo! The waveness!" Pod giggled with joy, as the wavey temporaral fluctuations brought them back to the present.

"It's like being on spice!" said CorSec.

"How do you know?" asked Pod, "I hope you haven't been keeping it from me!"

"Uhh... Of course not..." CorSec said, with very shifty eyes.

Beeurd thought back on the experience. "Yeah, that wavey flashback stuff was great..."

And the scene shifted into wavey timeshift fluctuations.

Then the flashback ended and everyone continued with the adventure.

"Whooo! The waveness!" Pod giggled with joy, as the wavey temporaral fluctuations brought them back to the present.

"It's like being on spice!" said CorSec.

"How do you know?" asked Pod, "I hope you haven't been keeping it from me!"

"Uhh... Of course not..." CorSec said, with very shifty eyes.

Beeurd thought back on the experience. "Yeah, that wavey flashback stuff was great..."

And the scene shifted into wavey timeshift fluctuations, and then ended again.

"Whoah... Flashback in a flashback..." Anakin said.

And the scene shifted into wavey timeshift fluctuations

And the scene shifted into wavey timeshift fluctuations.

Then the flashback ended and everyone continued with the adventure.

"Ah... This is hurting my head..." complained Master Skywalker...

Drake grinned evilly, and the scene shifted into wavey timeshift fluctuations.

"Ah... This is hurting my head..." complained Master Skywalker...

Then the flashback ended and everyone continued with the adventure.

The air around Luke turned dark, and in an instant flames roared up behind him and lightning arced down from the sky.

"WILL YOU DAMN KIDS STOP IT!?" he yelled in a terrifying booming voice.

The Psychos and Jedi stopped and stared, as Luke stormed off.

"Hmm..." Jacen noted, "I don't think Uncle Luke is feeling well..."

"Duh..." Commented Jaina.

August 22, 2004

"Okay," said Tsl. "So we've got the voxyn queen. Now what?"

Everyone gasped as they turned to look at her.

"What?" she asked. No one spoke up right away, and she became annoyed. "What?!!?"

Drake pointed at her with a stunned expression on his face, Beeurd cackled in an evil angel sort of way, and Rogue rolled her eyes and sighed with frusteration. Tsl looked down at herself and gasped.

Her Sithly attire had been suddenly replaced by hippie garb, complete with bell bottems, beads, and a leather vest with very long fringe. "Hmm...I must've accidentally gone too far back during one of those flashbacks....

The wavyness of temporal distortion began again.

"NO!" shouted Rogue. "Too many flashbacks! No more. I'm Commander, and I say so!"

The wavyness pouted and ran away crying.

"Can I keep my hippie clothes?" asked Tsl. She huggled her voxyn and gave Rogue a sad puppy dog eyes look. She was really good at it, having practiced for hours upon hours in a mirror at home.

"OKay..." said Rogue. "But no more flashbacks!"

The wavyness could be heard sobbing in the distance.

"No! Hippies are bad!" yelled Ender. He leveled an AK-47 at Tsl and seemed to be having a difficult time restraining himself from pulling the trigger. "Must....kill.....liberal.....scum...."

"No!" yelled Drake. "She's my liberal scum! Don't shoot her!"

"Hey!" said Tsl. "Who're you calling liberal scum!?"

"I WANT A BOSTON CREME PIE!" bellowed Prin. She had just finished her voxyn chops, and barbeque sauce was smeared across her face.

"Boston was were the Republican National Convention was," stated Chicken.

"Shut up," said Corsec. "This isn't a political thread."

"But...but...I'm not even writing this!" prostested Chicken.

"I have to shoot her!" said Ender.

Drake tackled Ender and knocked the gun away. Ender punched Drake in the nose and pretty soon the two of them where fighting to the death.

"Fight! Fight! Fight!" chanted Corsec with glee.

"Wow," said Tsl. She seemed flusterd and nervously adjusted her hippie headband. "I've never had two guys fight over me before!"

"They aren't fighting over you, really," pointed out Chicken. "They're fighting over whether or not you die."

"Oh...poo," she pouted.

Prin, meanwhilea, had begun gnawing on Corsec's ankle.

"Quit it!" he yelped.

"Tastes like cheeze...." she said around a mouthful of ankle.

Sticks grabbed a stick and tried to dislodge Prin from Corsec's ankle with no success. Corsec tried to run away, but merely ended up dragging Prin around with him.

"STOP!"

Everbody stopped at the sudden, and very loud, command. They all dropped what they'd been doing and looked around at each other, wondering who had given the order.

Then the mysterious voice sounded again, "THIS HAS GONE ON FOR FAR TOO LONG! THE STORY MUST MOVE FORWARD. YOU WILL DEVELOP THE PLOT, OR I WILL BE FORCED TO MURDER YOU ALL!"

"Pffft!" said Drake defiantly. "I'd like to see you try."

And then suddenly, every single character in the story died. Painfully. For reallies.

The story ended rather unsatisfactorilly.

And then, a few moments later, everyone was revived.

The story picked back up, like a bad sequel where the producers just wanted an excuse for more money.

"DO YOU BELIEVE NOW THAT I HOLD THIS POWER?" boomed the voice.

"Yes," whimpered the Psychoes in unison.

"GOOD."

Everyone waited for several minutes, but the voice did not return, nor did they ever see any evidence of who or what was producing the voice.

Finally, Rogue spoke up, "Umm...so, I think we should probably do something important, huh?"

Everybody nodded, glancing around nervously.

"Okay," continued Rogue. "So our major plot point of the moment was to go on the Myrkr mission and kill the Queen so that Anakin didn't have to die."

"What?" asked Anakin.

Rogue ignored him, "And we've accomplished most of it. We're on the Myrkr mission. Anakin isn't dead--"

"Yet," added Drake.

Rogue glared at him and continued, "Anakin isn't dead, and will not die. Got it? Good. So, the only part we haven't done is killing the Queen."

Tsl cuddled the Voxyn Queen protectively, "I've named her Cuddles, and she's my best friend!"

Rogue nodded and continued, "But, since Tsl has insanely befriended the thing, I guess we can't kill it."

"Yet," added Drake. Tsl glared at him and hissed.

"So..." continued Rogue, ignoring the interuptions as best she could, "So, we can just steal her from the Vong. Same effect, they won't have her anymore. Right?"

"But what if she runs back home, or the Vong come and get her again, or... or.... It'd be safest if we just kill her," said Anakin.

Tsl growled. Her eyes turned a deep, glowing red and the air around her crackled with Sithly lightening.

"Er...on second thought, I very much doubt that the Vong could get past that...er, I mean her, and so......yeah...." Anakin fell silent and went to stand behind Fett.

Fett nodded and smiled, "Oh yeah! I'm still here alright, I'm just on vacation." He pointed above his helmeted head where the letters A F K were floating.

"So..." said Rogue, finding it increasingly difficult to ignore all the pointless lines of text filling up the post, "Now what do we have left to do?"

Everyone sat around to think about this. Hours, days, months passed and still they could not figure out what to do.

Then Ender spoke up, "Well....we have this giant joint still..."

And so they smoked the giant joint and became high. Very high. For a very long time. They set Galactic records for longest highness time, highest highness, and most braincells killed by one smoking episode.

And then after that, they all became very mellow.

"Man, I need some chips or something..." said Tsl, speaking at about half her normal speed. If the others had been capable of forming a complete thought, they would have noted how appropriate her hippie attire was.

"Mmm....chips," said Drake. Tsl sat propped up against Cuddles and Drake was lying across her legs. The Voxyn was just as mellowed out as everyone else.

Sometime during the months long thinking session, Prin had gone and raided every vending machine on the Worldship. She began passing out little baggies of overpriced chips to everyone, even Cuddles who stuck her nose in the bag and munched contentedly. "I'm keeping the Hostess cupcakes for myself though!" warned Prin. She had a mound of them piled up behind her along with all the other vending machine treats.

"Wait, man..." said Beeurd. "I think I figured out what we've gotta do 'n stuff!"

"What!?" asked Rogue excitedly.

"We've got to.... Wait, no. I lost it, man, " He scratched his head.

"Aww..." Rogue was disappointed.

"Oh! I remember, man! We've gotta, like....leave 'n stuff!" said Beeurd.

"Leave?" asked Rogue. "What do you mean?"

"Well, like, we totally got on the Worldship, which was, like, awesome 'n stuff, but, like, now we need to, umm, like, get back off it."

Everyone stared at Beeurd.

"What?" he asked.

"You're brilliant! You're a flippin' genious!" exclaimed Rogue!

"Yay!" added everyone else.

"Sweet," nodded Beeurd.

"Ok, " said Drake. "Now we know we've got to go, so how do we go about leaving?"

"Don't look at me," said Tsl. "I'm tired of writing this post. Somebody else's turn."

"What?" asked Drake. He twisted around to give her a quizzical look, but the post ended before any explanations could be given.

August 22, 2004

"We need to figure out how to pilot the ship" Rogue said.

"And where to go," said Drake. "Personally I think we should had into the Unknown Regions and leave this wretched Republic to collapse while we build up an army to strike from the Sith Dominion."

A man in a suit walked in.

"Look, a man in a suit is walking in." said Beeurd.

"You know, you guys have really messed up continuity here." the man said.

"We are fixing it for the better!" Pod insisted.

"Well, you have save Anakin Solo's life." the man said.

"That's good." Anakin said.

"No, that's bad." said Tsl. "Now we still have to put up with you as a live whiney little Jedi..."

"Also," said the man, "while you have been sitting here wondering what to do, Luke Skywaker turned to the dark side..."

"Yay!" Drake and Tsl yelled together.

"...and the rest of the galaxy is now divided into the New Republic, which is ruled from Mon Calamari by Leia Organa-Solo."

"That's not good," Rogue commented, "just how long we we thinking for?"

"1 year, 7 days, 19 hours, 14 minutes, 32 seconds, and counting."

"Damn!" cursed Ender. "No wonder I need the bathroom!"

"I've been pregnant for over a year!?" Prin cried "When will this madness end!?"

Ender ran off further into the ship to find a toilet, while the other Psychos and Jedi discussed things with this mysterious man in a suit.

"Who controls the rest of the galaxy?" asked Beeurd.

"The rest of the galaxy is controlled by the Galactic Empire, now ruled from Coruscant by Luke Skywalker, and the Yuuzhan Vong, who are still ruled by Shimmra."

"Well that's seriously messed up." said Zekk.

"What are we going to do?" Jaina said urgently.

"I say we find the nearest cantina..." said Beeurd.

"We'll see about that." growled Jaina, glaring at Beeurd.

* * * * *

Several hours later they were in the Crazy Rodian cantina on Corellia.

"Nah nah!" Beeurd stuck his tongue out a Jaina.

"Shut up." she told him.

"Who was that guy anyways?" Drake asked.

"Oh, I think he was some sort of official from Lucasfilm. He said this whole story could be classed as Infinities, because we'd messed it up so much that they couldn't be bothered to fix it." Beeurd explained.

"Oh, excellent!" Rogue said. "Now we can do anything we want!"

"We were going to anyway, Commander." Furday said, as he munched on a rare dewback steak.

"Well anyways," Beeurd continued, "as I am the Chief of Intelligence around here..."

All the Psycho's disolved into fits of laughter.

"Har har," Beeurd said. "I found out a bit about the three factions of the galaxy these days."

"Go on..." Drake said, eager to hear about Luke's darksidedness. "Tell us about Luke's Darksidedness!"

"Sure! Well, after he stormed off after yellign at us, he went back to Mara and Ben, turned them to the Dark Side, and went to Bastion. He killed the officials there, declared himself Emperor, then pushed the Empire out towards the Core and took Coruscant before the Vong did. The Empire now spans all of the Core Worlds and part of the Inner RIm, it also stretches up to the old Remnant space and around the edge of the Outer Rim up to the Corporate Sector."

"But what about the Republic?" asked Jacen.

"Who cares about the Republic?" sneered Tsl.

"We do, and did you have to bring that Voxyn in here?" he asked.

"Why, don't you like my poor ickle Jeedai killer?"

"Well, it's just that it's kinda annoying the way she keeps clawing at my leg." Jacen stood up to show that his right leg was scratched and bleeding, with the leg of his trousers torn off and shredded.

Tsl giggled and petted her Voxyn. "Good girl!"

Jacen sat back down and pouted.

Beeurd continued. "So the Republic was pushed back and now only controls the Outer Rim from the Corporate Sector round to Hutt Space, and the Mid Rim from Yavin to Kashyyyk."

"What happened to Borsk Fey'lya?" Jaina asked.

"He blew himself up!" Drake shouted with glee.

"Actually, D," Beeurd corrected, "in this story he didn't - When Luke came and took over Coruscant, Borsk burst into tears and ran sobbing back to Bothawui, and Leia agreed to become Chief of State again, temporarily."

"Oh well, that'll do." Drake said. "At least he lost all his dignity."

"Now, as for the Vong," said Beeurd, "they are still around, and now control everything else. Endor, Tatooine, Hutt Space, Kamino, Naboo, Bothan Space, Yag'dhul, Rhomamool, and their capital world is Yuuzhan'tar, formerly known as Dagobah."

"This is bad." Jaina said. "Very, very bad."

Ender loaded his biggest heaviest weapon. "Let's go nuke the nerfherders!"

"We have to get to Mon Calamari!" said Anakin.

"No, no..." Drake said, "We should go see Emperor Skywalker!"

"Let's all have cheezey hot meals!" suggested CorSec.

Suddenly, the lights dimmed and Rogue was in the centre of a studio with a presenter.

"So," said the presenter, "what will you do next? A: Attack the Yuuzhan Vong. B: Meet with Chief of State Organa-Solo. C: Meet with Emperor Skywalker. D: Have cheezey hot meals."

"Uhh..." Rogue struggled to choose the correct answer.

"Remember," the presenter said, "you still have all three lifelines: 50/50, Phone a Psychopathic Jedi, and Ask the Cantina Customers."

"I think..." Rogue thought so hard about this that the other Psychos got headaches too. "I'll ask the audience."

"Okay audience, on your keypads press A, B, or C." The presenter said. After a few moments the results came in: "Well 1% of the cantina think you should choose A, 41% think you should meet Leia, 20% think meeting Luke is your best bet, and 38% reckon that the best option is to sit down for a cheezey hot meal."

"Oh... Err. I'll have to phone a Psycho too..." Rogue said.

"And who would you like me to call?" the presenter asked.

Rogue tried to think of someone who would be able to give a decent answer. Eventually she decided. "Furday, he was Commander before me, I was his XO."

The phone started ringing and soon Furday answered it. "Hello? Furday here."

"Hi Furday! It's me, Rogue."

"Oh hey Rogue, what's up?" Furday said.

"I'm trying to think of what to do next, but I can't decide. Should we A: Attack the Vong, B: Go to the Republic, C: Go to the Empire, or D: Have a cheezey hot meal?"

"Damn, that's a tough choice... Kinda reminds me of the other day..."

Rogue groaned. Once Furday started telling a story there was no hope.

"...I was doing my shopping with some friends of mine, and I couldn't decide what cereal to get. My friend Andrew was there and he said we should get the special offer cornflakes with the free sticker collection inside, but I noticed that there was a new Nascar themed cereal. Naturally I wanted to get that one, but Emily insisted that th---" The phone went dead.

"Well, that wasn't much help!" The presenter said, laughing. "You want to use your remaining lifeline?"

"Might as well..." Rogue sighed.

"Computer," said the presenter, "please take away two answers!"

A dramatic sound struck, and two of the answers dissapeared.

"So, now the two options that are left are B: Meet with Chief of State Organa-Solo. Or D: Have cheezey hot meals."

"Okay, I think I'll go with--"

A horn sounded loudly, and the audience gasped.

"Oh!" The presenter said. "That's all we have time for in this chapter of the story!"

"What!?" yelled Rogue. "I was just about to decide!"

"But we have to end the chapter on a dramatic note," explained the presenter, " but don't worry: We'll catch up with Rogue in the next part of When You Wish Upon a Star Wars!"

The audience applauded and credits rolled up in front of everyone's faces.

* * * * *

The next thing they all knew was being back in the studio again.

"Welcome to the show again!" The presenter said, "I'm here with Rogue, who was trying to decide what the Psychopathic Jedi are going to do next. She has used all her lifelines and has two options left - B: Meet with Chief of State Organa-Solo. D: Have cheezey hot meals."

"I choose D! I choose D!" Rogue yelled before anything else could happen.

"Is that your final answer?" asked the presenter.

"Yes." Rogue said, "D."

"Okay then!"

The presenter dissapeared and the cantina returned to normal, except now all the Psychos and Jedi had a steaming cheezey hot meal on the table in front of them.

"Yay!" CorSec shouted happily.

August 23, 2004

Everyone finished off their hot cheezy meals quickly seeing as they all still had a serious case of the munchies. Prin alone ate enough to feed a small army and then went and approached CorSec. "Um, CorSec, I just want to apologize for gnawing on your ankle earlier, but you Jedaai taste so good."

CorSec accepted the apology while running to hide behind Sticks.

Rogue thanked that talk show hosts and then managed to procure a shuttle large enough to handle the Psychos and the Jedi (minus the evil Luke Skywalker) and get them onboard Apocolypse. Somehow, TSL managed to cram the Voxyn Queen into the cargo hold without too much trouble even though Prin was rummaging around in the galley for another tub of BBQ sauce. Rogue gathered everyone into the conference room to decide what to do next.

"Well, it's clear what we have to do next," Jacen stated. "We must save Uncle Luke and then go see mother. The Force tells me so."

"Why would we want to save that puny Jedi?" Drake asked while snarling threateningly at Jacen. The Jedi all cowered back and started crying for their mommies.

Rogue got everyone calmed down and announced her decision. "As commander of this group, I have decided that we will go to Coruscant and rescue Master Skywalker. We really can't let the main Jedi Master be a slave to the Dark Side."

Drake and TSL pouted and headed off to their stateroom where the word cleaning was mentioned. Prin headed back to the galley and grabbed a jar of pickles, some borlash jelly that she stole from the worldship and some peanut butter and made a sandwich and then ate almost everything else in the galley, leaving the others with just dehydrated food to eat. She wandered off to her quarters and was getting ready for her between snack nap when she felt what she thought was indigestion. She shook it off as it went away after a few seconds and but then came back about 20 minutes later, before going away and coming back 20 minutes later. That's odd. I didn't eat any really weird combinations, she thought. She shrugged it off and wandered towards Rogue?s cabin. She figured that if she wasn?t going to be able to sleep that she may as well go and catch up on the lost year with her sis. And she hoped that it?d take her mind off of this pregnancy. Being pregnant was one thing but being pregnant for over a year with a Psycho-Vong hybrid demon child was another.

Prin found Rogue?s cabin and knocked. Rogue ushered her in and helped her sit down in a chair. Prin winced as her indigestion came back once again, this time after only 15 minutes. Must?ve been the peanut butter, cheeze, pickle and onion sandwich that she dipped in a bowl of chili. That or the 3 dozen donuts that she had. Or maybe it was the haggis. Yeah, must?ve been the haggis.

Rogue and Prin settled in and got something to drink while they headed to Coruscant. Soon they were engrossed in a discussion of the latest flightsuit fashions, Prin was complaining that nobody made any good maternity flightsuits anywhere, and they were commenting on how skanky Silaris Milton looked at the Coruscant Awards for Reality Television. All of the sudden Prin groaned loudly and collapsed forward. ?Rogue, get TSL and a 2-1B droid. I?m in labor.? She passed out as Rogue ran from the room.

Prin came to in the medical ward of the ship. TSL was standing there looking nervous. ?What TSL? I mean, you did just graduate. Please tell me that you passed your OB class.?

?Well, um, that?s the thing. I kinda slept through that lecture, and missed that week of clinicals. But I did just read an article on the HoloNet so we should be ok.?

Prin growled and lunged at TSL but found herself restrained. She pouted and asked why she was restrained.

?Well, you came to once before but you were acting more Vong than human and we had to restrain you because you were breaking all of the machinery and calling it a disgrace to the gods. This is for your own good.?

Prin nodded and grimaced as another wave of pain swept over her and her water broke. ?Drugs, I want my drugs. Gimme an epidural damnit!?

The 2-1B droid came near Prin with a needle and her face contorted. She yelled something indistinguishable in Vong and spat at the droid. ?No drugs. Pain good.?

?Drugs!?

?No Drugs!?

?Drugs!?

?No drugs!?

?Drugs!?

?No drugs!?

?Drugs!?

?No drugs!?

?Drugs!?

?No drugs!?

?Drugs!?

?No drugs!?

?Drugs!?

?No drugs!?

?Drugs!?

?No drugs!?

?Drugs!?

?No drugs!?

?Drugs!?

?No drugs!?

?Drugs!?

?No drugs!?

?Drugs!?

?No drugs!?

?Drugs!?

There was a pause and Prin breathed a sigh of relief. ?HA! I win. TSL give me the needle!?

TSL gave Prin the drugs and Prin visible relaxed. During the long argument that Prin had with herself, labor had progressed quite nicely and it was time for her to push. TSL took position and talked Prin through the process. ?Ok Prinny, push. That?s it. Good. Keep going. You?re almost through this one. Easy. Ok now rest.?

The process repeated itself for a bit and finally TSL exclaimed that she saw the head coming. ?Come on Prin, you?re almost there. That?s it. The head?s out. One more push and you?ll be all done. There, there?s the shoulders. It?s a boy! Congrats Prin, you have a son.? TSL handed Prin the little half human half Vong boy and cut the cord. The lil guy was crying and Prin was holding him and talking to him in baby gibberish talk. ?What are you going to name him Prin??

?Momma?s gonna call her lil boy Nomi. Nomi?s such a big boy. Yes he is. Yes he is.?

TSL, disgusted by all the sweetness in the room started to leave as Prin gasped. TSL hurried back over to make sure everything was all right.

?TSL, I know which low down rotten Vong is the father. Boy is he gonna get it. Get me Hairy Ringer on the phone, is this going to be a event that you?re going to want to see on national TV.?

******************************************************************

A week later, on Coruscant?

Prin was sitting on stage with Nomi in her lap. He was growing so fast and growling at everything. Her little evil child was so cute and sweet.

All of the sudden the audience started chanting ?Hairy! Hairy! Hairy! Hairy!? That scared Nomi and he started wailing. Prin set to comforting him as the Wookiee host stepped out onto stage.

[Hello and welcome to the Hairy Ringer show. Today on our show, we have Princess, who was gang raped by a group of Yuzzhan Vong warriors and became pregnant. She gave birth to the cute ickle baby that you see in her arms and gave birth just a week ago. She?s here today to confront who she thinks is the baby?s daddy. Welcome Prin. Tell us your story.]

?Well Hairy, it all started one day when I woke up and found myself in this universe. I was scared at first but was able to escape from Jaabba?s Palace and soon found myself on Vaselkyjellia, where I?m the ruler. After spending time there fighting communistic horses and theo neocrastic lice, I found myself and the rest of the Psychopathic Jedi on the worldship that was orbiting Mykr where we were on a mission to destroy the Voxyn queen. Somehow, TSL got lost and I found myself separated from the group and being gang raped by a group of warriors. And what they say about the Vong is true, they have these projectiles??

[Thank you Prin, but I don?t think that our audience wants to know that much detail. But anyways, this gang rape left you pregnant with Nomi, who is just a week old. And who do you think that father is?]

?Well, I lost count after 40 or so Vong had their way with me, but there?s only one Vong who could produce a child that looks like my little Nomi, and that?s Onimi!?

Edited August 23, 2004 by Princess

August 23, 2004

While Princess and her new baby were busy in the studio, the rest of the Psychos found their way to a bar and started drowning themselves in alcohol. After several strong Maws and a handful of 3Ds, Drake got up to announce his intentions to the group.

"Okay people. You can stay here and drink..."

Everyone gave a rousing cheer.

Drake rolled his eyes, picked them off the counter, stuffed them back in their sockets then said, "I'm going to Luke's palace to talk to him. Tsl and Beeurd can come too just because we're evil and the rest of you aren't. If you go, Luke will probably kill you. Or he'll just talk a lot about killing you but then find some dumb reason not to. Anyway...you get to stay here and get wasted."

There was another rousing cheer.

Drake led the way as Tsl and Beeurd staggered along behind him.

"Hey...slow down! My legs are moving in the opposite way I tell them!" slurred Tsl. "Why aren't you drunk?"

Drake glanced back and grinned. "I'm half Irish. Us Irish folk are good at two things. Drinking and fighting. We're lethal when we combine the two. Ever heard of drunken boxing?"

"Uhhh..." stammered Beeurd.

"Well, it was invented by the Irish."

"Really?"

Drake shrugged. "I dunno. I like to think it was."

"Oh. Okay." Beeurd nodded and continued on.

After several minutes, they reached the Palace. The three Psychos stared up in suprise and shock.

"Is that what I think it is?" asked Tsl.

"Unfortunately, I think so." replied Beeurd who looked like he was going to vomit.

Drake raised an eyebrow. "It's a little phallic."

"Wha?" an innocent bystander asked.

"Look in the dictionary."

"Oh." The innocent bystander pulled a dictionary from his pocket and flipped through it until he found P and finally that special word. "Oh! Oh my. You're right! I never noticed it before."

"Well it's obviously because you're stupid." Drake said then proceded to throw the innocent bystander into traffic.

"YAY!" cried Beeurd and Tsl.

Suddenly a very large, bearded man appeared out of no where.

"Good Force! You'd think you'd see someone like that coming from far away..." muttered Drake.

"What was that?" rumbled the bearded man.

"Oh. Nothing, sir."

"Ma'am." said the man.

"What?"

"I'm a woman."

"Whoa! I mean...you look...great."

The bearded shemale looked sad. "It's the beard isn't it? When the Emperor asked me to be his bearded lady I just thought that he would give me a fake one or something. I never thought that he'd actually give me hormone treatments!" She began to grumble incoherently.

"There there big guy...uhh...gal." Tsl said, attempting to hide her disgust with false sympathy. "Why did you come to see us?"

"Oh yeah. The Emperor saw you throw that man into traffic and he has deemed you evil enough to enter his stronghold for an audience with him."

"Great!"

"Follow me." The bearded woman led the way into the Palace, which was known as the Pillar of the Empire and caused much evil giggles from the three Psychos.

The shemale took them on a long ride up a turboshaft until they finally made it to the peak of the Pillar. They entered the Throne Room and found it to match exactly with Emperor Palpatine's observation room on the second Death Star.

"Ooooh ahhhh." said the three Psychos in unison as they walked up the stairs to the throne.

The bearded lady bowed to the throne, which was faced toward the window. "Emperor. I have brought the three you called for."

"Excellent..." came the raspy voice from the other side of the throne. "I have waited over a year to see you again. Bwahahaha!" The throne began to turn but then abruptly moved back. "Erm...Bertha, do my introduction."

"Oh right." said Bertha, the bearded lady. "Ahem. Introducing his Ultimate Evilness, the Lord of Darkness, King of Chaos....Darth Bozo!"

And at that moment, Luke turned and revealed himself. It was a disturbing sight. He was tattooed from head to toe, like Darth Maul, except it made him look like a clown. He was also completely nude save for an afro of rainbow-colored hair and a well-placed clown nose.

"FEAR ME!" shouted Luke. "I AM DARTH BOZO! BWAHAHA!" He then proceded to scratch himself in a very inappropriate way.

And then Drake, Tsl and Beeurd all came down with a case of projectile, explosive vomiting.

August 23, 2004

As Drake, Beeurd and Tsl covered the chamber floor in vomit, Luke cackled gleefully.

"They react just as the other have! My plan is going according to my design. Come, Bertha! Daddy needs some loving!" cried Luke.

Bertha walked over to him half reluctantly and squeezed next to Luke on the throne. Luke put his arm around her shoulders and stroked her beard with his other hand.

"Oh. My. God," said Tsl. Then she remembered where she was and corrected herself. "I mean, Oh. My. Force."

"That's the single most disgusting thing I have ever seen. Ever." said Beeurd.

"I didn't know angels could puke," said Drake. He then added, " Oh, and that is totally wrong! Ickies!"

Bertha shrugged, "It's a living."

"Mmm....yes my little Beardykins. But it gets better. I have a very special visiter in the Pillar today. Come to us, my little crunch muffin!" cackled Luke.

"I don't think I want to know," whined Tsl. Drake held her and tried unsuccessfully to comfort her.

Then Leia walked into the chamber. Wearing her slavegirl outfit from Return of the Jedi. Luke had a disgustingly feral look on his face as he beckened her to hurry to him.

"I'm here, stud!" said Leia gleefully as she ran and leapt onto Luke's lap.

"But...but....for crying out loud, man! She's your sister!" cried Beeurd.

"Oh yeah, baby," was all that Luke could manage to say as Leia licked his nose in a very suggestive manner. Bertha chewed on his ear half-heartedly.

Drake, Tsl, and Beeurd began a new round of vomiting.

Finally Drake wiped his mouth off and asked in a somewhat weak voice, "Umm...I thought Leia was heading up the New Republic good guys on Mon Cal?"

"I am," said Leia in between licks. "I'm on vacation."

"But...Luke is the head of the Empire. You're enemies!" said Tsl.

"But he's soooo hott," moaned Leia. "I can't get enough Lukie. And Bertha's not bad either.....Kiss me, Bertha, you sexy thang!"

Drake covered Tsl's eyes and shut his own tightly. Beeurd turned away and whimpered as the hideous threesome.....progressed. Unfortunatley, they could still hear.

"Mmm....what is this?" Leia was asking.

"It's a clown nose," Luke replied.

"It won't come off," said Bertha.

"It's glued on. Ow! Don't pull..."

"Oooh....that's nice..."

"Oh! That tickles! Do it again!"

"Don't put that there...."

"Oooooh yeeeeeaaahhhh......"

At that point, Drake, Tsl, and Beeurd all fled in terror. As they ran outside of the chambers, they ran smack dab into a large woman and knocked her over. There was a moment of confusion as Tsl became entangled in teh woman's fishnet stockings and Drake worked to free her.

"I'm sorry," mumbled Tsl. She brushed herself off and stood up.

"That's okay. Happens alot," replied the woman. Only she sounded like a man. Closer inspection revealed that she was a man. And not just any man...

"Han Solo?!!" asked Drake incredulously.

"The one and only," replied Han as he adjusted his brazier, scratched himself, and then adjusted something indecent.

"But....but.....but..." stammered Tsl.

"Oh, don't worry. I get that alot. You see, after Leia left me for her brother again, I had to make a living somehow, so I turned to protitution." He paused to scratch and adjust himself again in a rather indecent manner. "It makes money alright, but damned if I don't get alot of itchy diseases...."

"Ewww!" squealed Tsl, recalling her entanglement in Han's fishnets.

"Meh. Anyhow, I've been really raking it in since I got this new skirt.... It's short, revealing. And the bright colors really attract hutts and wookiees. Say, any of you fancy a go on the ol' Han-mobile?" he winked suggestively, scratched himself, and then placed the same hand on Drake's shoulder.

Drake slapped the hand away and ran--no, sprinted--away. Beeurd and Tsl followed right on his heels.

"What?!" Han shouted after them. He scratched himself again, shrugged, and then went to listen at Luke's door.

August 23, 2004

Han pressed his ear up against the door.

"Oh yes! Right there!" cried a voice.

"That is such a hard shaft!" said another voice.

"That's Leia!" thought Han to himself.

"Of course it is!" breathed Luke, " I modeled the Pillar of the Empire after it! Bwahahahahaha!!!!"

This was followed by a series of moans.

Han began sneaking around the base of the Pillar, hoping to find a way in.

__________________________________________-__-__-

Drake, Tsl, and Beeurd ran back to the bar to tell the others of what they had seen.

They burst in through the doors as Furday was telling a story.

"And then Annie said, ' Well, I am the only one wearing a two piece-' Oh! Back again so soon?!" asked Furday, his story interrupted.

"We found Luke!" gasped Beeurd

"It's not a pretty sight!" added Drake.

"Luke calls himself Darth Bozo, and is currently having a threesome with a bearded shemale, and Leia!" blurted Tsl.

Everyone turned to look at Furday.

"What? You all expect me to say ' Awesome!', don't you?!"

"And in other news, hell has officially frozen over. Amazerizing!" laughed Rogue.

"Oh yeah," remembered Tsl, " Han Solo is now a prostitute...who wears fishnet stockings!"

"I see...well....um..why don't you three sit down and tell us more over drinks?" suggested Rogue.

Everyone thought that was a good idea.

"Oh , Tsl..." began Drake," about that voxyn queen, Bubbles..."

"Cuddles!" corrected Tsl.

"Yes, Muddles...well, you know that sooner or later, she will have to be slain, don't you?" asked Drake.

"Noooooooo!" wailed Tsl.

"Now now, that's why I'm asking you...." began Drake.

The other Psychos leaned in closer to the pair.

"Would I, could I in the dark?

Would I could I in the park?

In the rain, uppn a train?

Under a plane, then down the drain?

Would I could I in the sand?

Would I could I with a Gand?

On the steps of Jabba's palace?

On the worlds of Talus and Tralus?

Would I could I with a rake?

Would I could I with a stake?

Oh let me slay her, for Force's sake!"

Drake looked pleadingly at Tsl, when he finished.

The others gave a round of applause.

Tsl thought for a moment, then replied,

"You would not could not in the dark

You would not could not in the park

Not in the rain, not on a train

Not under a plane nor down the drain

You wound not could not in the sand

You wound not could not with a Gand

Not on the steps of Jabba's Palace

Nor on the worlds of Talus and Tralus

This voxyn's life you may not take

I will not let you kill her Drake!"

August 24, 2004

All misspelled names are intended. If you don't get the joke, read the Thrawn Trilogy. Now. Not later.

The door to the cantina burst open. All the Psychos were blinded by the light pouring in from the doorway. Then 3 figures stepped out. It was Bozo, Leia, and the bearded woman.

"NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" cried out all the Psychos, paralyzed with fear as the 3 began their "antics."

The psychos began vomiting.

The door flew open again.

"What now?!" cried out Rogue.

And standing in the doorway, was none other than Mara Jade.

"Leia! Stay away from my Lukie!" she warned.

"Bring it!" Leia shouted back. They both leapt at each other. They collided in mid-air. They began crashing back to the ground. Only they didn't land on the ground. Instead, they landed in a small inflatable kiddie pool filled with mud. As Mara and Leia began wrestling, the male Psychos cheered and crowded around to watch.

"Hey!" cried TSL, she then proceeded to smack Drake.

Just then, the doors to the cantina opened. And Luuke (from the Last Comand) stepped out.

"Your going down beeotch!" he yelled, as he leapt at Emperor Luke. The clashed in the air. They fell down to the ground. Only they landed in another pool filled with mud.

The Psychos began vomiting as Luke and Luuke began wrestling.

"This is so sick and wrong!" cried out Chicken.

"I know." replied Chiicken.

"WTF?" wondered Ender.

"I don't know." replied Endeer.

"This is giving me a headache." complained Fett.

"Me too." responded Feett.

"ENOUGH WITH THE CLONES ALREADY!!!!!!" Ender screamed. Suddenly, a machine gun was in his hands. He mowed all the clones down.

"Hey Ender?" asked one of the psychos.

"Yes?" he replied.

"How could you tell which ones were clones and which one's wern't?"

"Erm...I guessed." explained Ender.

"Oh." replied Beeuurd. "Let's go see the Hairy Ringer show!" he suggested.

The other Psychos agreed.

Not all that good but oh well...

Edited August 27, 2004 by Chickenman

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