Princess 35 Posted June 7, 2004 LOL! Oh Mir. What to do with you? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Tsl 7 Posted June 8, 2004 Hehe, this is good. Dunno how accurate it is, but it's funny anyways. Scary Facts. A. The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000. B. B. Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120,000. C. C. Accidental deaths per physician are 0.171(U.S. Dept. of Health & Human Services). Then think about this: A. The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000 (yes, eighty-million!). B. The number of accidental gun deaths per year (all age groups) is 1,500. C. The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is .0000188. Statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners. FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR. Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We must ban doctors before this gets out of hand. As a public service, I have omitted the statistics on lawyers for fear that the shock could cause people to seek medical attention. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Radioactive Isotope 29 Posted June 8, 2004 :rofl: sweet! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Roethlisberger 0 Posted June 8, 2004 Jon Stewart: [after showing a clip in which Jay Leno introduces Arnold Schwarzenegger as the new Governor of California] Well, there you have it. We now officially live in the Matrix. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Tsl 7 Posted June 11, 2004 Jim Rockford: Hey, I'm sorry Dad, you just caught me at a bad time. Reading that detective fiction doesn't help. I mean things aren't like that you know? They're not black and white. They're aren't any heroes left, they die young. (pointing to a book cover) His gun is deadly? Mine's in a cookie jar -------------- Jim Rockford: Yeah, well we got snarled up in a case in August. I ended up doing 90 days on a county honor farm. Lance White: Well, I'm sorry about that Jim but I had my client's interests to protect and you did break into that hotel room. Jim Rockford: What client? Who where you working for? Nobody seemed to know. Lance White: Well, that was kind of a strange one, those 3 little boys hired me. Jim Rockford: The triplets? They were only 8 years old. Lance White: Yeah well when their folks were killed by the mob, I kind of took 'em in. Finally, I made arrangements for them to live on a friend's farm in Vermont. Jim Rockford: Isn't that nice? A happy ending. We all got to go to a farm. -------------- Jim Rockford: [to hood who has just kidnapped him] Does your mother know what you do for a living? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
TheUnknown 39 Posted June 12, 2004 God invented whiskey to keep the Irish from ruling the world. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Radioactive Isotope 29 Posted June 12, 2004 Uncle Vernon: If it's another form for me to sign, you've got another-- Harry: It's no. It's a letter from my godfather Uncle Vernon: Godfather? You haven't got a godfather! Harry: Yes, I have. He was my mum and dad's best friend. He's a convicted murderer, but he's broken out of wizard prison and he's on the run. He likes to keep in touch with me, though...keep up with my news...check if I'm happy... that sounds like someone i want as my godfather :lol: Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Tsl 7 Posted June 12, 2004 Hehehe, I love those books :D Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Roethlisberger 0 Posted June 12, 2004 GOB: The zero hour, Michael. It's the end of the line. I'm the first-born, sick of playing second fiddle, always third in line for everything, tired of finishing fourth, being the fifth wheel! There are six things I'm mad about, and I'm taking over! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
TheUnknown 39 Posted June 13, 2004 Political Bumperstickers (Conservatives Cover Your Eyes): Any man who can render himself unconscious with a pretzel isn't smart enough to lead the free world. The last time someone listened to a Bush, folks wandered around the desert for forty years. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Chickenman 9 Posted June 13, 2004 From Non Sequitur Joe (liberal Radio Show host): Time for a minute of culture with a book review by Obviousman! Obviousman (Super hero who shows people the error of their stupidity): Thanks Joe...today we're recommending Sean Hannity's book, "Deliver us from Evil: Defeating Terrorism, Despotism and Liberalism. Mr. Hannity shous us the path to utopia is through the elimination of all things liberal. This would include such silly little notions of the past like the right for women to vote, social security, the right for workers to unionize, federal standards to protect the environment, civil rights...and bring back slavery! All this and more liberal nonsense can be eliminated simply by getting rid of that pesky liberal document, the Constituion of the United States! Joe: Uhhh...He didn't really say that did he? Obviousman: Want me to read the title again? From another comic that I saved from like, a year ago: *Two guys are in a bar watching CNN* Guy 1: More @#$% negative news about the government! Guy 2: It's unpatriotic I tell ya! Obviousman: *sigh* sounds like another job for...OBVIOUSMAN! Guy 2: GASP! Guy 2: Uh-oh Obviousman: What are you, a couple of freedom hating, tali-bonehead commies, spitting on the Constituion? Guy 2: Wha? Guy 1: No way pal! We're real Americans! Obviousman: Our forefathers knew the true path to tyranny is paved by an unquestioned government, so they established a free press to keep democracy alive. A free society means having a right to hear bad news, so a real American can handle the truth and recognizes the scrutiny of our leaders!! Guy 2: Questioning authority... Guy 1: Is good?...Um, would that make us...*gulp* liberal? Guy 2: Oh lord...how would I explain that to my children? Obviousman: Try using a dictionary and a history book... *Sets up defenses* Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Ender 8 Posted June 13, 2004 Some more bumperstickers: Cover your eyes Libs "If you're reading this, thank a teacher. If you're reading this in English, thank a soldier." "Save a braincell... Vote Democratic!" "The Democrats say it's Bush's fault. Then again, they think the moon landing was fake." Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
CorSec 5 Posted June 13, 2004 But the moon landing was fake. In fact...there is no moon. It's a giant projection screen in the sky to shield our eyes from the military secrets the Soviets conduct there!! ANARCHY! AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Andy 60 Posted June 13, 2004 lol... "I wanted to be famous, I wanted to be a somebody." Noble words when said for the right reasons, I think. But in 1981 this is what 17 year old Marcus Serjeant said to the court as he was tried under the 1842 Treason Act for firing a weapon at Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II as she took part in a Trooping the Colour ceremony. Yes I'm bored. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Ender 8 Posted June 14, 2004 "I regret that I have but one life to give for my country." -Nathan Hale Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Drake 53 Posted June 14, 2004 Here are some quotes from This Hour Has 22 Minutes...which is a satire comedy news show that puts a humourous twist on Canadian and world news. Some of these are a few years old. CorSec will probably get all of this stuff....but the rest of you may be lost on some of them. Just smile and nod...and chuckle occasionally. We demand that the government of Canada force Stockwell Day to change his first name to Doris. Why do this, you may ask? Because it'll be fun. Sorry JM...but I have to. Jackie Biskupski is running for a seat in the Utah Legislature, and she's attracting a lot of attention because she's a lesbian. Her Republican opponent, Dan Alderson, is a staunch Mormon, and is running a negative ad campaign calling her lifestyle abnormal and deviant. His six wives agree. [on the US and Canada] We're bigger, and we're on top. If this was prison, they would be our bith. [on the US] They're out there now, busy bombing for peace. Next I suppose they'll be screwing to get their virginity back. If the United States were a 35-year-old man, I think he'd be in a mental institution. Violent tendencies... delusions of grandeur... medicate heavily. Here's a long one for you Americans. Hello. I'm Anthony St. George on location here in Washington. On behalf of Canadians everywhere I'd like to offer an apology to the United States of America. We haven't been getting along very well recently and for that, I am truly sorry. I'm sorry we called George Bush a moron. He is a moron, but it wasn't nice of us to point it out. If it's any consolation, the fact that he's a moron shouldn't reflect poorly on the people of America. After all, it's not like you actually elected him. I'm sorry about our softwood lumber. Just because we have more trees than you, doesn't give us the right to sell you lumber that's cheaper and better than your own. It would be like if, well, say you had ten times the television audeince we did and you flood our market with great shows, cheaper than we could produce. I know you'd never do that. I'm sorry we beat you in Olympic hockey. In our defence I guess our excuse would be that our team was much, much, much, much better than yours. As word of apology, please accept all of our NHL teams which, one by one, are going out of business and moving to your fine country. I'm sorry about our waffling on Iraq. I mean, when you're going up against a crazed dictator, you want to have your friends by your side. I realize it took more than two years before you guys pitched in against Hitler, but that was different. Everyone knew he had weapons. I'm sorry we burnt down your White House during the War of 1812. I see you've rebuilt it! It's very nice. I'm sorry for Alan Thicke, Shania Twain, Celine Dion, Loverboy, that song from Seriff that ends with a really high-pitched long note. Your beer. I know we had nothing to do with your beer, but we feel your pain. And finally on behalf of all Canadians, I'm sorry that we're constantly apologizing for things in a passive-aggressive way which is really a thinly veiled criticism. I sincerely hope that you're not upset over this. Because we've seen what you do to countries you get upset with. For 22 minutes, I'm Anthony St. George, and I'm sorry. Some other memorable moments include the time when one of the news "anchors" Rick Mercer) went out for lunch to a fast food restaurant with the Prime Minister (that's right...no bodyguards, no thousands of reporters, no snipers positioned strategically across the street), when Walter Cronkite (famous US reporter) put one of the anchors (Greg Thomey) in a celebrity headlock, when Rick Mercer and many prominent members of the Canadian House of Commons lip sync'ed to Trooper's "Raise A little Hell" on Parliament Hill to promote voting in the 2000 Canadian federal election, when Greg Thomey walked into a meeting and gave the Prime Minister an award for "Best Actor in a Continuing Role"...and then the PM went along with it and gave an acceptance speech to his mom, dad, hair dresser, wardrobe artist and writers. :lol: Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Ana 15 Posted June 14, 2004 :rofl: Those are all hilarious!!!! And, I understood all of them!!!! Woo!!!! :D Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Drake 53 Posted June 14, 2004 Well of course you do! You're an honoUrary Canadian, after all! :D Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Ana 15 Posted June 14, 2004 lol yay me!!!! :D *walks around waving a little Canadian Flag* Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Drake 53 Posted June 14, 2004 No no no...Canadian flags only come in one size. *hands her a giant flag that blots out the light of the sun for kilometers around* ;) Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
