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Ongoing Comedy 5: Return of the Jedi Punks

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The crowd agreed with Jaina's assesment of the group's talent. That Rodian was drowning everyone out with it's triangle, but that seemed to approve the band's singing. Finally they finished their set and Ben scrambled over to the Punks. "So guys how were we?" Unable to break Ben's heart by telling him how horrid the band sounded they all told him that they sounded awesome and couldn't wait to continue the tour with his new band. "Astral!" Ben exclaimed. "You guys got any WD40 to drink?"

Tenel Ka coughed. "I'm sorry Ben, but we no longer drink that. How about a nice glass of juri juice?"

"EWWWWWWWW! No! Mom makes me drink that crap all the time. How about some Blended Ewok?"

Jacen looked stern. "Ben, do we have to tell your mother that you're trying to get your trying to get us to give you alcoholic beverages when you're underage. Surely you know that we are more responsible than that."

Ben looked like he'd just seen the ghost of Palpatine. "But you guys are the Jedi Punks. You don't do anything without being under the influence of alcohol."

Jaina looked serious. "Now Ben, wherever did you get an idea like that? Have you been licking kowakian monkey lizards again? We've never heard of the Jedi Punks, we're the Blues Jedi and we don't drink because alcohol pollutes the mind. Now if you'll excuse us, we have a new song to sing." Jaina turned and headed out onto the stage and sat at the piano while the rest of the Blues Jedi took up their instruments.

"HELLO NABOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Tenel Ka shouted to the crowd. "Thank you for coming to our show tonight. All proceeds from tonight's show will benefit the Darth Vader foundation for those hideously scarred in lightsaber accidents on volcanic planets, when someone you know gets dismembered on a volcanic planet remember to turn to the Darth Vader foundation for those hideously scarred in lightsaber accidents on volcanic planets. Now, get ready for our new song, I've got those Death Star blues!"

The crowd errupted into cheers as Anakin started out the beat on the drums and everyone else slowly joined in. Tenel Ka and Tahiri started to sing...

Oooooooooooooooooooh yeah

We've been cleaning all day

Concerting all night

On a big space station

Caaaaaaaaaaaaaalllllllllllled the Death Star

We painted it pink

That made grandad mad

He said paint it back

Or your butts will hurt bad

That's noooooooooooo mooooooooooon

It's a space station!

It's called the Death Star

We just took a joke too far

Lowie jumped to the front of the stage and played a swinging solo on his Rodian tongue bagpipe which made the crowd go wild.

We tried scrubbin it clean

We even stopped drinkin'

Whatever we needed to make it gleam

We needed to do some thinkin

Cuz we got the Death Star Blues

We painted it pink

That made grandad mad

He said make it black

Or your butts will hurt bad

We went through gallons of paint

It finally was black

But never ever again will we coat it with a pink coat of paint

Cuz now we've got those deep down hard hittin'

Death Star Blues

The crowd was stunned silent at the end of the song and Ben just stared. Was it possible? Were his cousins both sober and sane?

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Meanwhile back on the unknown planetoid...

"What the blazes..." Mara was speechless, after she and Luke had made it to the rise and were looking over at the spectacle laid out in front of them.

"It's.. so disturbing.. but somehow.. beautiful.." Made out Luke.

Mara nodded.


One the Millenium Falcon...

"Coming into realspace in a few seconds.." The blending stars fell apart and became normal blippy starts again.

"Good.. then we can go save Ben like Yoda said..." said Leia.

The comm beeped. Han glanced at Leia and answered.

"Solo here."

A minaturized hologram of Yoda appeared. It was fuzzy and the Jedi Master was hard to see. Han rolled his eyes.

"Yes, Mrs Pennypoof?"

"No longer needed, your help is... uhh.. Ben safe is now.. with his cousins.. Yes, yes... hehehe... Go back to Coruscant.. " Some whispering went on off screen, something like 'add more, idiot,' but it was hard to hear.

"Oh! Yes... to Coruscant you must go back. Longer needed vacation, you will have. Good day.. hehehe.." Yoda cut the transmission with his characteristic giggling.

"Well.." Han went back to the navicomputer to plot a way back home.

"Han, wait.. something about that message seems a little mynoky... We should clear things with Luke and Mara."

He nodded. "All right, sweetheart." He commed the Sabre. "Come in Luke.. Luke, can you hear me? Answer... Hello? ...." A few moments later he shut it off. "I guess they're busy or something..."

Leia shrugged.


Theed Stadium, Naboo...

After their first number, Ben couldn't believe what he was hearing. His beloved cousins.. the Jedi Punks, the ones he had always looked up to, were nothing to look up to at all. Ben saw the way the crowd was starring at them. They were mortified. Some guy in the front had actually died of shock.

He glanced at his new bandmates. They were equally stunned.

"What happened to those guys?" Jysella asked.

"I dunno.. it's so weird... all my life I wanted to be like them. Like those.. those depressed freaks."

"Now, Ben, that's not nice," stated Valin.

"I don't care."

Valin started to say something else about caring for every living thing and was mumbling on about the Force and life and stuff, but Ben was lost in his thoughts.

I'm so glad I didn't join them.. I'd be the laughing stock of my younglings class back at the Temple.. Ben thought some more. Wait.. isn't that the class I always skip? He shrugged and wturned his attention back to the stage. The Punks were starting their next song. Ben hoped it would be upbeat.

It wasn't.

Zekk tuned his harmonica and Tahiri started out solo with a low, sad tone, with Tenel Ka breaking in a few times...

The booze is gone

The booze is gone away

The booze is gone baby

The buzz is gone away

The WD40 has done us wrong

But we all feel better now

The booze is gone

It's gone away from us

The buzz is gone baby

The buzz is gone away from me

Although, we'll still sing on

And on we'll sing

The booze is gone

It's gone away for good (Mmmhmm...)

The booze is gone baby

It's gone away for good

Today we know we'll be without the buzz

Just like a good punk band should be

You know we're free, free from the booze

I'm free from its spell

Oh we're free, free from the booze (Mmmhmm..)

I'm free from its spell

And now that it's all over

All we can do is wish for tea... (foooorr... teeeeaaa.....)

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Meanwhile on an unknown plantetoid....

Luke Skywalker was wondering why exactly he had wanted to come to this unknown planetoid. It was wierd, almost like the Force had guided him and his wife here for no purpose at all...like it didn't know what to do with him. It was almost as if a writer from another galaxy didn't know what to add to the story and threw him on some random planetoid with no senient life at all for the sole sake of adding a tally to her post count.

"Luke, is something wrong?" Mara asked him worriedly.

"Yeah...i just can't put my finger on it." Luke frowned, sitting down on a ledge. "I was just thinking about Ben. hasn't he been acting a little strange lately?"

"He has been following your niece and nephews around. That could put a number on anyone." Mara snarled. "They mean well most of the time, but you saw the impact they had on the galaxy. Hippies, Death cabagges, nudists." she threw him a look.

"I don't know...I keep getting the feeling that something's very wrong in the galaxy. Something's preventing us from being where we're meant to be..."


Meanwhile on Naboo, Ben sat on the floor, rocking back and forth and wondering what had happened to his cousins. Where were the people he had admired all his life? The strong Jedi he had looked up to for as long as he could remember. Why was it that all of a sudden his cousin Jacen didn't pay much attention to him? they had gotten along alright all these years, and now...

Now they were sane. But the weird thing is that all this time, Ben realized, he'd been acting sane too.

I never skipped classes before, or drank alcoholic beverages...why would i say that I have? I've been sane all along...that's why i'm always so afraid of what will happen. But Jacen, Jaina, and Anakin, even if they didn't keep me close the past month...they changed me.

Ben wanted the days back when he was insane. The days he would sneak up and at night and start an imaginary mosh-pit in his living room when his cousins were on the holonet. Ben was determined to be the kid he used to be...not the kid that he feared the Force had been leading him to become. He decicided right then and there that he didn't like the Force and it's manipulations. He wouldn't use it anyomore.

he snuck away then, into the audio-visual room, and turned off all the mics, special effects, and lights. He was done watching his cousins make fools of themselves.

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Theed Palace was suddenly dark and eerily quiet. Then a shout went up from the fans "Bring back the Jedi Punks! We want the Punks! These new guys suck!!!"

The Punks were in shock. What was wrong with everyone? Maybe it was because they hadn't sang their final song yet. Yeah that was it. "Lowie!" Jacen shouted, "Go and fix the power, we've gotta sing one more song for them. Then they'll see how awesome our new sound is!" The rest of the band agreed with Jacen and the decided to wander around backstage while Lowie fixed the power. Jacen and Jaina were sitting in a corner discussing how they were going to calm Mara down when she found out that her son had joined a band and was licking kowakian monkey lizards again when Ben walked up to them.

"Oh I'm so glad that you guys stopped singing. You were really awful. What's wrong? Have you guys gone sane and sober?"

Jaina gasped. "Ben Skywalker! How can such vile filth come out of your mouth? Saying a word like sane? I'm shocked at you young man." She stood up and grabbed his arm and headed towards the nearest bathroom. "Not only are you licking kowakian monkey lizards again, which you told us that you had given up, but you're also swearing. We taught you better than that." Jaina grabbed a pump bottle of soap and put a few pumps of it in Ben's mouth. "Now you stay right there Ben while we finish our set and you had better not move or I'm going to tell your mother everything. I'll tell her that you're licking kowakian monkey lizards again, that you're swearing, AND that you're hanging out with a Rodian. I'd just love to see her reaction to that."

Ben tried to say something along the lines of "Who died and made you the queen of the galaxy?" but all that came out was soap bubbles. He looked miserable and crouched further back away from his angry cousin. There was just something about her when she had that look in her eyes that reminded him of some of the old holo's of Grandpa Vader before he was in the suit. Luckily the lights came back on then and Jaina rushed off to finish the set before the crowd got too hostile.

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Naboo, Theed Stadium

The last strains of the Punks' final song were still following away when a barrage of fruits and vegetables from around the galaxy started flying from the crowd, followed by a roar of 'boos.'

"Get off the stage!" yelled someone.


"You sound like a mutilated gundark!"

"Go home losers!"

Backstage with his band members, Ben spit out the soap and shook his head. His cousins looked like complete idiots up there. He couldn't believe it. And they were even grinning like idiots out there on stage, taking a final bow and going just off stage, like they would be called for an encore. Not likely. Did they even realize they were covered in fruit goo? He glanced at Jysella and Valin. All they could do was look back at Ben, speechless.

"What in space is going on.... " Ben wondered, thinking that someone in the last few weeks he had accidentally fallen into a black hole or into a weird parallel but opposite universe. Or maybe he was dreaming. Yes.. he was still in his bed on Coruscant and he had never been kidnapped, rescued by his cousins, forgotten by his cousins, chased by old rockstars, dead Imperial Admirals, cloned popstars, Gungans, blasted across the galaxy, joining, exiting, joining and exiting the Punks, then joining Valin and Jysella's band after his cousins forgot him again. Yes.. it was all okay.

"Jysella, pinch me."

"What? Ben, why?"

Valin pinched Ben, shrugged.

"OW!" Blast it.. it's real.. it's a horrible nightmare gone bad... and it's all real... There has got to be some evil mastermind behind all this.. my cousins and the Punks wouldn't go sane all by themselves, would they? Who could it be... that Thrawn guy and his friends are dead... Wait! Grandpa's collection in the hidden hangar.. the little Gungan 'trooper action figures... But why would Grandpa make the Punks sane again? He was one of the few members of the family who liked their music.

Ben was very confused.


Unknown planetoid...

Gazing at the strange and mysterious, but beautiful spectre before them and wondering why they had an uneasy feeling, Luke and Mara were confused. Well, just Luke was confused. Mara was angry, angry at the Punks for corrupting her son. At least he was safe on Naboo for the time being. Their grandparents would punish those punky kids. She knew it.

"Well, where are we supposed to be, Luke?" Mara snapped.

He didn't answer, lost in thought.


"Hmm? Oh.. what is it?"

"You weren't listening to me again."

"I know."

"'You know'?! Well let me tell you, Skywalker --"

"Shh.. Mara. I'm listening to the Force."

Mara quieted, silently seething like a volcano inside.

"Something is definitely strange... the uneasiness in the Force.. Ben's personality change... and this planet.. with those ...things.... down there. I know this sector. And I've never seen or heard of this planet before. Look up there..." he pointed to the sky. "It looks like we're in the Corporate Sector.. There's Bonadan, Kamar, Ammuud... I don't get it.. how did we get off track like this? How would the navicomputer skip so badly?"

"I don't care, Luke. Stop babbling. I need to find out what's wrong. I just want Ben back where I can watch him."

"That's exactly my point Mara... what if during our travel in hyperspace, we somehow ended up through a black hole or something, and were transported to another time? Maybe in our time, this planet hadn't arrived here yet? Or maybe we went back so far that by now this planet has been destroyed in our time?"

"It might explain those.. things... Wait.. what I am doing? I'm agreeing with you.. you and your kriffin' stories. Luke, just snap out of it. We have real things to worry about."

"But Mara.. It all makes sense... --"

Mara slapped Luke, hard.

"I told you. Get back to your senses, Skywalker. Let's go back to the ship and leave before those whatevers decide to attack us or something."

Mara stalked off towards the Sabre.


Millenium Falcon....

"Still no answer, hon."

"Well.. let's go to Naboo, see if Mom and Dad know what's going on with my brother."

Han nodded and sent another burst transmission to Luke and Mara.

"Nevermind, we're off to Naboo, you can meet us there if you like."

He set in the coordinates and they flew back through hyperspace.


Theed Stadium...

The crowd was leaving. The Punks didn't understand why they didn't want an encore. They always want encores.

Jacen wiped some purplish goo off his face. "Perhaps we need a new environment. I guess the home crowd's sick of us."

Ben had wandered over to where his cousins were packing up their stuff. "That's because you guys suck!"

Jaina glared at Ben, waving the soap pump. He snapped his jaw shut.

"It's true." Inserted Valin. "What happened to you guys?"

"Just trying something new for a change.. all good bands do it." Answered Jaina.

"Fact." Stated Tenel Ka.

Shaking their heads, the Three Jedi and Rodian grabbed their stuff and left the Punks behind.

Lowie grumbled something. "You said it, Lowie." Said Anakin.

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The crowd slowly dispersed, and the Punks went their separate ways as well, leaving Ben to wonder at this sudden change of events. There had to be something going on here, for Ben would have never dreamed that the Punks would have gone s...s...s...the s word. It just wasn't like them. Not like them...but...it wasn't like Uncle Vader to plot against his own family. Well, not the new Vader anyways. No, the whole gungan thing had to be something else.

Ben intended on finding out what that elusive "something else" was. He was going to find out what in Darth Sideous's name was going on, and then he was going to save the Punks. He wouldn't have to be in this horrible new band he somehow got entangled wtih, and the Punks would let him back in their band. Ben could see it all now. He would be a hero! And that meant, in order to solve this problem, he had to go directly to The Source.

Yes, The Source...The Source would reveal everything...

* * *

Jaina sat next to Tahiri and Tenel Ka. The three of them were giggling almost evily. Jacen rolled his eyes, and Lowie rumbled something. "Yea, no kidding. Lowie said it. What is it with girls and their tabloids?" Jacen groaned. "Their giggling is giving me a headache!"

"Oh my, you guys, look at this!" Anakin cried, hanging over Jaina's sholder and reading the tabloid.

Tahiri glanced at the page. "Whoa, that's us! But the old us, I mean. Before we came to our senses. I still can't believe that we used to--"

"What?!?" Jaina threw down the tabloid. "This sith-spawned piece of garbage says everyone hates our new band and look! And that our music is absoultely horrid!"

Zekk came over and picked up the magazine. "Hey, guys, I think you might want to have a look at this." He shoved the tabloid back into Jaina's waiting hands.

The girls huddled around Jaina, and all three of them gasped at once. "I don't believe it!" Tahiri cried.

"It can't be! Ben...Ben...and The Source?" Jaina cried in agony.

"This can most certainly not be a fact!" Tenel Ka groaned.

"Noooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!" Anakin wailed. "Wait a minute, who is The Source again?"

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"The Source is the source. She knows anything and everything. This is not good! Having any association with The Source can be fatal to a mere mortal." Jaina looked worried for her cousin.

Jacen read the article's title aloud. "'Young Skywalker and The Source: Coruscant's New Hottest Couple Tells All' Hmm...why would Ben be dating The Source?" Jacen wondered.

"Wait a minute, hottest couple? I'm so jealous! That little brat gets all the good booty!" Zekk cried.

"Umm, excuse me? What did you say?!?" Jaina glared.

"I...uh...love you?"

* * *

Ben looked up into The Source's eyes. Pretty eyes...that hid such knowledge. "I need your help."

"I know."

"So...um...Your Sourceliness, can you help me?"

"Tell me your troubles, little one."

Ben sighed, then told her his recent experiences. When he was all done, he bit his lip. "So...basically I need to know how to turn the Punks insane again, and it'd also help if I knew what Grandpa Vader is doing with all of those gungan toys."

The Source squatted down to Ben's height and held his gaze. "Young Skywalker, listen to me carefully, and I will tell you what you must do. First and foremost, you must turn the Punks insane again. After that you can concentrate on figuring out this enigma concerning your Grandpa Vader."

Ben frowned. "That's what I just said. Now what do I do about it?" He waited patiently.

The Source smiled. "You must do something about it, of course. Only then can you become a Tru Jedi Punk."

Ben growled. "I just said all of that! Now you're supposed to be helping me fix these problems! You're supposed to be the one who knows all, so reveal all to me!"

The Source looked at Ben calmly. "I am The Source, and I know all. How can I help you?"

Ben swore. "What the--?!?" He pulled out his lightsaber and ignited it, then cut off The Source's ear. "That's what I thought...you're not the Source! You're a fraud! You're just a silly old robo! So if you're not The Source, who is?"

The robot sighed. "Young Skywalker, you are indeed a wise one. It is true, I am not The Source. In fact, there is no source. She died quite a while ago. I have been living in her stead, until now. You have defaced me. I shal retire and live the rest of my life in isolation. Goodbye, Young Skywalker."

Ben watched the sherobot go. Things just kept getting stranger and stranger.

He was almost back to his stolen ship when it hit him. He knew how to fix the problem! He would get the Punks drunk without their knowing it, and they would realize how much they missed alcohol! The solution was so simple. Why hadn't he thought of it before?

Ben heard a click and saw a bright flash. "What the--?!?" He whirled around and came face to face with a crowd of reporters. "What in sith's name is going on here?" He wondered aloud.

"Ben! Ben! Is it true that you and The Source are a couple now?"

"Skywalker! Over here! Tell me, don't you think your relationship with The Source will give you too much power?"

"Jedi Skywalker! Tell me, what did The Source reveal to you? Do I sense marriage in the near future?"

Ben gasped, horrified at what he was hearing. He raced to his stolen ship and closed all the ramps, locking the horrible press out. Shaking, he crumbled into the pilot's chair and groaned. Those damn tabloids!

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A week later, Jaina was on a cleaning rampage. Worse than the one she'd been on when she was pregnant and "nesting" with Allie and Allie. Zekk was going around prepping their ship for the short hop to Coruscant. The two of them suddenly felt a need to be home, in their appartment, taking care of their kids. Being, you know...responsible parents.

They had sat up the night before talking about their growing girls, and their somewhat...erratic lifestyles. They had decided that everything needed to change. When they returned to Coruscant, the two of them planned on getting real jobs. They spent too much time on tour and not enough time with their family. Jedi were given the bare minimum as far as a wage went, and those kids of theirs deserved the best. So, Zekk was thinking about starting a shipping buisness along the Corellian Trade Spine. Something the two of them could run by themselves, no hassle. Space pirates tended to stay away from those routes, and going back to the old bounty hunting routine was too risky. Jaina said that she couldn't bear to raise their two girls alone, Force forbid anything happen to him. Jacen suggested that Jaina join the political arena.

Zekk had countered by saying that her becoming a politician sounded just as dangerous.

"Politics are strong in my family." Jacen had countered, barging into the conversation as usual. "My Grandfather had it, my mother had it...and my sister has it."


"Yes Jaina, it's you."

"I know..." Jaina looked up at her twin brother, sounding much like her mother. "Somehow I've always known."

So that settled that. Zekk was going to start a shipping buisness with a catchy name like "Inter-rim Delivery Service of Packages and Legalized Goods Not Including Weapons", and while he started the IrDSPLGNIW, Jaina was going to try for a political nomination for some exciting world like Klahdrox XVII

Edited by ROGUEeleven (Sticks)

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Jaina was settling into her role of senator for Klahdrox XVII without a problem. For some reason her dad was more than happy to foist C3PO off onto her to assist her with various senatorial duties and she'd even sat down with her mother and grandmother who were extremely pleased to have her following in their footsteps, even if she wasn't going to be inciting a rebellion. Padme was so excited that she even brought her homemade chocolate cookies and Theed Tea. Leia, Padme and Jaina, who was echoing a look of her mother from so many years ago in a simple white gown and her hair in buns on the side of her head, were sitting and quietly chatting when they saw Allie and Allie chasing Mrs Pennypoof through the house. Jaina sighed. "I really don't know what's getting into Yoda. I know that he's like 1000 years old, but this crossdressing thing of his is getting really old. I swear, that when I'm at the senate he's trying on my clothes. It creeps me out." Allie and Allie tore through the room again, this time chasing Mrs. Pennypoof with curlers and Jaina's punk makeup kit. Jaina sighed. "Girls! Come here!"

Allie and Allie looked frightened as they walked slowly over to where Jaina, Leia and Padme were sitting. "Yes mom?"

"Girls, I want you to leave Yoda alone. I think that he's going through an old age crisis or something and your Grandmother and I are looking at putting him in the Old Jedi Home on Dagobah. And besides, now that I'm a Senator, you girls will be going to a new school, so I guess we may as well go school clothes shopping."

Allie and Allie cheered and ran to get their purses while Jaina got the school supply list for the School for the Children of Senators. Jaina also asked her mom and Grandma to look into institutionalizing Yoda, since something just wasn't right there.


Allie and Allie were dragging Jaina all over the mall. "Mom, can we go into Hoth Topic? They've got some really cool Jedi Punks t-shirts there."

"No girls, you're going to the School for Children of Senators and they have a dress code there."

"What about the flight suit store? They just got a new shipment in."

"No girls. The dress code clearly states no flightsuits. " Jaina paused and looked around. "Here we go, Uniforms R Us." Allie and Allie screamed in horror. "No sense in fighting it girls. In we go."

Jaina led the girls into the store and first stopped in the Jedi section. "You girls must've gone through a growth spurt recently. You need new Jedi robes."

The girls looked happy, mom always let them get bright colored Jedi robes instead of the brown ones that they were supposed to wear. Allie grabbed a purple robe and Allie a neon green one. "Done mom!"

Jaina shook her head. "Nope. Brown please girls. You must look responsible. You are the great-grandchildren of Anakin Skywalker after all."

"And you must always remember it." A pleasant male voice said from behind them.

Jaina turned around and looked. "Obi Wan!" she exclaimed and gave him a big hug. "I was just getting the girls new clothes. Not only will they be attending the Jedi Temple this year but also diplomatic school for the children of senators."

"How responsible of you Jaina. I'm most pleased with the way that you've reformed your life and faced your destiny." Obi Wan paused and ducked the rack of brown Jedi robes that Allie and Allie tried to levitate at his head. "That's quite enough girls. You best face what the Force has proclaimed to be your destiny without resorting to childish pranks."

Jaina agreed with Obi Wan. "And now that we've got you your new robes, we'd better head over to the Senatorial section. We need to get you some white shirts and plaid skirts."

Allie and Allie paled. They were pre-teens with a high fashion sense. No way were they gonna wear plaid skirts. They both looked at each other and ran off.

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After the big family reunion on Naboo with the Solos and their extended family, everyone had made their way back to their homes on Coruscant. Except for Jaina and Zekk and Allie and Allie who were getting ready to move to Klahdrox XVII because the natives had been complaining that their new senator wasn't concerned for their plights as much as she should have been.

Han flopped down on his large couch and sighed. "It's good to be back home again. Everything's back to normal."

Leia smiled at him. "Yes, it is nice. Jaina's become a fine senator. And Zekk... well, he's a fine.. uhh... shipper."

"And Allie and Allie have grown up well. Allie was just telling me how much she loves her new school."

"I hope Jaina and Zekk don't uproot them again to Klahdrox XVII. I'd hate to have them change schools again."

Han smiled crookedly. "Maybe they don't have to."

"No, Han... we couldn't.."

"C'mon. We'd be lonely without some kids around. They could live with us and go to school here. And visit their mom on school breaks. What do you say?"

"Well.... " Leia had cracked. "Okay."


Unknown space..

The Jade's Sabre exited hyperspace again.

"Face it, Mara, I think we're lost in another time or dimension or universe or something. Everything looks the same on the surface, but wheneve we get close to a planet, it's different."


"No, really. Remember two trips ago, we had tried to go to Coruscant, but instead we ended up orbiting that mountainy planet with lakes and fields?

I think that was Coruscant before it was settled."

"Skywalker, you're pushing it. There are a lot of uncharted planets yet. Now get your head out of the clouds. I want to get Ben back."

"Mara, remember when I said 'I don't know...I keep getting the feeling that something's very wrong in the galaxy. Something's preventing us from being where we're meant to be...'? Maybe this.. vortex or whatever we're in, is doing just that."

His wife glared at him. "Ben. Now."

Luke shrugged and punched in some more coordinates.



Having gone back to Naboo with his stolen ship and putting the stupid tabloid rumors behind him, Ben discovered that all his cousins and the rest of the Punks were moving back to their homes to reestablish a sensible and gasp, normal life. He still wanted to get them drunk and insane again as soon as possible because he desparately needed to know why Grandpa Vader had those Gungan stormtrooper figurine, er action figures.

He figured the best place would be at Jaina and Zekk's farewell party. There'd be plenty opportunity for exchanging or altering drinks.

Ben grinned.


Elsewhere on Coruscant...

"Mom, are you sure? You don't have to..."

"No, no, Jaina. Your father and I think it best. Allie and Allie just started that school and Allie loves it so much. Even Allie made a new friend. It wouldn't be fair to make them leave it so soon."

Jaina glanced at Zekk. "Well, okay. Sounds good. Thanks, Mom." Jaina hugged Leia.

"We're glad to do it, hon." Added Han.

"Every holiday, right?"

"Yes, Jaina. Every holiday."

"Don't forget any."

"We won't."


She laughed. "Yes, Jaina. Now please, you need to get ready for your party."

Jaina and Zekk turned to leave.

"Every holiday?" The door closed on them.


Later that day...

The farewell party was in full swing. The entire Solo family, their friends and other resident senators and dignitaries were in attendance. Ben had his hands full, navigating around the crowds of drunk and wasted prime ministers of state and state secretaries. He looked around for Jaina, Jacen and Anakin. Or even Tenel Ka or Lowie. He didn't see any one.

A high unique laugh attracted his attention. Aha! It's Jacen... Ben headed over toward Jacen, Force-lifting a glass off a tray on his way.

It's now or never....

Edit: last part was ben, not anakin....right?

Edit 2: Uhh.. yeah.. it says Ben. :p

Edited by Mara

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Ben pushed his way through the crowd, making his way towards Jacen, finally he reached where he had heard Jacen's laugh, but he wasn't there. Looking around he saw Jacen dissapear through a doorway, and decided to follow him.

Through the door he found himself on a walkway to the adjecent building, but Jacen had seemingly vanished. Turning back to the door, Ben heard it lock shut.

"Blast it! Now what?" Ben sighed. "Guess I should try that door over there..."

Ben made his way across the walkway to the other door, and pushed it open. It was Jacen's apartment, apparently.

"Jacen?" Ben called.

Jacen emerged from another room and screamed. "AAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGHHHHHHH!!!!"

"What the...!?" Ben gasped, this was worse than he had imagined. "Is that--"

"Yes, it's my stamp collection!" Jacen said, "Now what are you doing here?"

"I wanted to speak to you." said Ben. "Stamp collection... good grief Jecen I thought you had gone sane but that really..." Ben trailed off and shuddered at the sane-ness. Not only was Jacen sane, he was boring too; nerdy even!

"I like collecting my stamps!" Jacen said defensively. "I just collected a few stamps from the envelopes of crads people had sent from across the galaxy."

"That's really interesting," Ben sarcastically commented.

"See this one," Jacen held up a small stamp shaped like an ewok, "This one is from the chief of all the ewoks on Endor. It's very rare, because not many ewoks actually know how to write. And it's ewok-shaped! Awww, isn't is cute!" Jacen giggled happily.

"Excuse me one moment," said Ben, and he walked over the wall, smacked his head off it and went back over to Jacen. "Okay, continue."

"And look at this one!" Jacen held up a stamp with a picture of some strange animal with antlers. "This is from the world of Moosetopia, in the Moosie sector. It has a picture of King Moose the Moosey on it."

Ben looked over at his cousin who was stood grinning proudly at his finds. "Looks like this is going to have to be the hard way."

"What do you mean?" Jacen asked, a quizzical look upon his terribly sane face.

Ben pulled a can of Corellian Ale from his pocket, and Jacen backed away.

"NO!" Cried Jacen, "the forbidden beverage of unsoberness!"

Ben opened the can, and leapt towards Jacen.

* * * * *

Meanwhile, in orbit around Coruscant on board the Death Star, a hand grasped over a ledge and a cloaked man pulled himself over the edge.

"Cursed Vader. How dare he betray me like that!" He turned and looked down the chasm he had just climbed up out of, and whistled. "Wow. No wonder it took me so long to climb up out of there, I bet everyone thought I was dead or something."

Palpatine shuffled over to the communications console, and tried to call Admiral Piet. "Bah! No answer!"

He tried Sate Pestage. "Bah! No answer!"

He tried Bail Organa... Wait, no he didn't. He tried calling the Imperial Palace, just to see who was there these days.

"Hello, Chief of State Vader speaking," came the reply.

"Vader!?" Palpatine spat.

"Who is this?" Vader demanded.

"Uh-Umm..." Palpatine stammered a moment, then continued, "It's erm, your mother."

"Mom? I thought you were dead?" asked Vader.

"Oh. Err, yeah." Palpy said, "She, err, I am. I forgot. Sorry."

"You forgot you were dead?"

"Yes," Palpy tugged at the collar of his robes and wiped the sweat from his forehead, "well actually I'm not your mother at all. I'm your father."

"But I don't have a father," Vader said blankly.

"Force-damnit Lord Vader! Why do you always have to be so kirffing irrating!?"

"Palpatine!? I thought you were dead too!!"

"Well, I'm not. And when I get down there I'm gonna seriously show you the true nature of the daaaark siiiide! Bwahahahahahaaaa!! MWAAHAAHAAHHAAAA!!!!! Bwahahaha mwahahahahaahha! Bwaahahahahaha!!!!!"

"Shut up!" Vader shouted.

"Heh... Aheheheh... Alright. But I'm gonna have my revenge!!!"

* * * * *

Vader sat stunned in his office as the line went dead. Who could possibly help destroy Palpatine once and for all? Only the Jedi Punks had ever saved the galaxy and they had all gone sane!

A strange young boy clad in bright yellow, red, and green burst through the doors, and shouted, "Look out Batman!"

Vader was just about to say, "Who the hell is Batman?" when suddenly the Emperor's evil henchmen burst through the windows and started towards the two.

Curiously, every time they punched one of the henchmen, a comedy-style sound effect would happen.











And with that, the fight was over.

"Holy cow, you're not Batman!" The boy said, and then wandered away again.

"Well, that was weird." Vader said.

* * * * *

"Ben what are you trying to do!" Jacen yelled as the two cousins rolled around the floor, knocking over furniture while Ben attempted to pour Corellian Ale down Jacen's throat.

"Make you drunk!" Ben cried back.


"Because only through the power of unsoberness can you be insane again!"

"Why would I want to be insane!? I like being sane!" Jacen said.

Ben let go and sat back on the floor, dropping the can of Ale. "No that's not true. That's impossible!"

Jacen looks over at Ben, "Search your feelings, cousin. You know it too be true."

"NOOOOOOOOOO!!!" Screamed Ben.

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Vader was nervously pacing his apartment. "What are we going to do Padme? The Punks are all sober, the Emperor's on his way here, and I'm supposed to have killed you 40 years ago."

Padme glared at Vader. "You did kill me. Or at least try to. That whole funeral on Naboo was a farce to keep the children safe. I lived in a freaking swamp with Yoda with him masking my presence in the Force so that you'd think I was dead! How dare you complain?!" Padme looked for something to throw. "I knew that our children, and yes, I knew it was twins, were alive and how do you think that I felt, knowing that they were being raised by someone else because I was living in the swamp with Master Yoda and fearing my life if you or the Emperor found me?! You have no right Ani!" She grabbed a heavy vase and flung it at him and really felt a lot better.

Vader sighed as he caught the Alderaanian vase with the Force and carefully lowered it to the ground, he didn't need Leia pissed at him too. "Padme, honeycakes..."

"Don't you honeycakes me!"

"Ok sorry," Vader blushed under his suit. "I was doing it all for you my dear. And looking back on it now, I made all the wrong choices for all the right reasons. I'm so sorry. But when you showed up on Mustafar with Obi-Wan, I thought that you were betraying me. Palpatine had told me that I could make you live forever, that we could cheat death. And with my vision of you dying in childbirth, I was so scared. Little did I know that by following the path I was on, I Was making that vision come true. I should have listened to you. I should have gone to Obi-Wan."

"About time you admitted I was right. Now what say we go back to the hyperbaric chamber, turn it on, and make up?"

Vader laughed naughtily, "Mmmm baby, I love the way you think." He swung around and picked her up right as Ben burst into the room.

"Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww! Oh jeeze! Thanks a lot guys, I hope you plan on paying my therapy bills when I get older. Grandma! Quit playing with Grandpa's helmet like that! Come on! This is serious! Jacen's collecting stamps! And likes being sober!"

Vader dropped Padme, who in turn glared at him and kicked him in the shin, forgetting that it was a prosthetic. "Sithspit!" Padme exclaimed as she hopped around on one foot. When she stopped hopping around, she looked at Ben. "Oh honey, come here. Let grandma give you some cookies and blue milk and your Grandpa is going to find your cousins and their friends and round them up so that they can defeat Emperor Palpatine."

"I am?" Vader asked.

"Palpatine's back?" Ben asked, his face visibly paling.

"Yes he is," Vader told Ben. "The Jedi Punks are the only ones that can defeat him, and he's on his way here now. It should take him a while though seeing as he was climbing out of a reactor shaft on Endor, and we're here on Coruscant. You have cookies and milk with your grandma, and when you're done go to the Jedi Temple and find Yoda. I'll go round up the Punks. And if I can't get them drunk again, I'll just get them addicted to something else. Like caf. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm caf."

TBC... this is all I have time for now...

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The alarm clock rang at precisely 0600, the chrono-radio on the nightstand beside his bed waking him up to the morning drone of "Gand and Gand in the Morning".

"...And now it's time to watch the skylanes for our morning commute. Skylane 61 is currently blocked by a speeder incident in the left lane. Traffic to the Imperial Palace will be blocked, so please try another route."

Zekk stretched, as he slipped out of the covers and into his plaid slippers as Jaina yelled up top him from the stairs. "Zekk, honey, breakfast's ready!. I made pancakes, and some freshly squeezed juri juice for you and the girls."

"I'll be right down cupcake!" Zekk continued to listen to the radio as he got dressed and walked out of his bedroom. Jaina gave him a kiss on the cheek at the stairs, as Zekk fiddled with the tie on his new work uniform."Goodmorning honey."

"Goodmorning cupcake."

"How did you sleep?"

"I slept just dandy, darling."

"Wonderful! Oh, my parents found the girls trying to sneak in to their home last night. We were buying uniforms for that new, and very expensive school we enrolled them in, and they just disapear. Even pulled a few mindtricks on the store attendants so that none of them could remember the girls being there. They came home with two packs of hair dye , and enough candy to rot through a wookie's enamel. I think you should have a nice stern talk with them."

"Are they still upstairs?"

"I called for them at least four times, but they haven't come down yet." Jaina said with arms crossed over her chest.

"I'll go talk to them" Zekk headed up the stairs and knocked on the kid's bedroom door. "Alicia, Allison! You girls awake?" he opened the door to find them dangling their new school uniforms out the window. "Hey! What are you doing?"

"We're uh..." Allie blushed. "destroying them?"

Her twin sister Allie was ready to drop her uniform ten thousand feet to Coruscant's undercity where some poor soul could appreciate the damned ugly things, whne she realized that her father had called them by their full names for the first time in 8 years. Each twin turned to look at the other in absolute shock.

"Did you just call me Allison?"

"Did you just call me Alicia?" The twins asked at the same time.

"Would you get away from the window? You're making me nervous" He grabbed each child around the middle and pulled them away from the window, and set them on their beds.

"Holy flying sith lords Dad!" Allie exclaimed. "What in the name of all things good in the universe are you wearing?"

Zekk was a vision of absolute sanity in his high socks, blue shirt, kahki pants and a matching vest. "Don't I look respectable in my new work uniform? And hey, watch your mouth. You're in enough trouble as it is young lady. Don't make me tell your mother."

Allie and Allie laughed. "Dad, don't take this the wrong way, but you look like..."

"Like what?"

"Like a mailman."

"Girls, " Zekk smiled. "I AM a mailman."

The twin's laughter died, along with all hope of their ever being able to go in public ever, ever again. "You're joking right?"

Dead silence. "Dad, this isn't funny." Allie groaned, covering her head with a pillow.

"This job will bring stability to our family, girls. We won't be travelling anymore, no unstable living conditions, or hanging around the close quarters of a ship. Nah, this will be good for us. Now go downstairs and have breakfast before your mother offers you up as collateral for the rebuilding of Alderaan." Zekk smiled at them. "Cause that what she does now. Turns bad situations into good ones."

They groaned as their father left the room. A week ago I had the coolest parents in the galaxy, and today i wake up to this?

Allison frowned at her sister. "We totally need backup on this one."

"Definatly." Alicia sat up. "Who do you propose? Great Grandpa Vader's not as young as he used to be. At least that's what Grandma Padme says."

"How about Uncle Luke and Aunt Mara?

"I like the way you think. At least one of them is capable."


They looked at eachother and shuddered. Nothing in the galaxy could possibly be as evil as their mother's cooking.

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Radioactive Isotope

i hate you all :p

Meanwhile on Tatooine, Tahiri was sitting outside her hut watching the suns set and clutching her copy of the Punks last album before they all went....sane.

"We hates living here, Precious. We hates it! It's dirty, Precious. DIRTY!!"

She poked her lips out poutily fighting the urge to wipe her dusty hands on her pants because they were even dirtier.

"What were we thinking, Precious? We only brought one outfit! And it's DIRTY!"

She sighed and returned to her hut. The sand on the floor was getting on her nerves, so she took a broom from the corner and began to sweep it out. It was then that she noticed her picture of her and Anakin was skewed half a degree. The sight made her break down into tears.

"Oh, Precious, we misses our wittle Ani. And now he's CROOKED! WHY DOES THE GALAXY HATE US?!" She grabbed a rag from the cabnet and wrapped it around her finger before tapping the picture back into place. She finished her sweeping and then began her four-hour rituals to get ready for bed. But womp rats kept scratching at the walls of her hut and breaking her concentration, forcing her to start completely over twice. By the time she finally finished, she was so exhausted she could barely think. "Precious, when will Anakin come to save us?" she mumbled just before falling asleep.

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Anakin was arranging the meditation pillows in his classroom. His advanced meditation techniques class was going to start in a few minutes and he had to be ready. He clapped his hands and the lights dimmed and some relaxing music started playing and a fountain turned on.


He ran his fingers through the beard that he was growing and looked around the room. It was a perfect spot to relax and he knew that the students had been going through a lot lately and he'd arranged the pillows for the perfect feng shui to help the students relax.

A gong sounded somewhere in the temple and students started filing into the room. They flopped down onto the pillows and a male Sullustan moved one. Anakin nearly had a heart attack. "Yub Yub! Put that cushion back this instant. I'll not have you ruining the feng shui of this room and making it impossible for the other students to learn."

Yun Yurb chittered back angrily. "My name is YUN YURB, not YUB YUB!!!! I'm not some Ewok squeezeable toy. Do I look like an Ewok to you? And who cares if I messed up the feng shui of the room?"

Anakin glared. "I set up this classroom particularly set up for each skill level in order to harmonize your Force energies to help you reach a meditative state easier. If you don't appreciate my hard work, you can leave right now Yub Yub."

The rest of the class sat silently, they all knew Anakin's story and the sane Anakin whom was obsessed with Feng Shui scared them almost as much as when they studied about Emperor Palpatine. Yun Yurb was either really brave or really stupid to argue with Old Man Solo, as the class called him behind his back. The odds were currently 5:1 on really stupid. Though they were also guessing that Yun Yurb had extra range because Anakin kept calling him Yub Yub.

Yun Yurb glared at Anakin. Every freaking day Master Solo called him Yub Yub. The Sullustan was angry, Ewoks couldn't even use the Force or communicate very well. Just because they defeated a hoard of stormtroopers with rock and sticks, everyone thoguht that they were so great. Well not Yun Yurb. And he was sick of being confused with an Ewok battle cry. There was just one thing left to do. He charged Anakin and yelled "I AM NOT AN EWOK!!!!!!!!!!!!!" and then latched onto Anakin's arm with his teeth.

Anakin freaked out at the site of his own blood. "OMG! Get it off me! Someone help me." He swung his arm about wildly trying to free the tenacious Sullustan, but it wasn't helping. "Yub Yub, let go of me!" The Sullustan just clamped down harder. Anakin was starting to get woozy and his last thought before he passed out was "I wish that Tahiri were here." He hit the ground with a thud, the feng shui'd room not having a pillow where his head landed.

Yun Yurb laughed, "Ha! Your precious feng shui didn't save you this time!"

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Unnamed old freighter...

"What is thy bidding, my master?"

"Uhh....Did you finish your first task already?" Asked the Emperor.

"Yes, sire. The incriminating evidences are already in place. No one will suspect it was us. They'll think Vader was on our side all along."

"Good. Good.

Now for the next step."

Gideon Tierce perked up. He loved doing evil things. Since he was the original Tierce's eviller brother..

"Oooh... what? Er, your majesty?"

"Exactly that. I need a new title. Stop calling me 'Majesty'. It's embarrassing. I'm not a king. Or an emperor any more for that matter....What can I call myself?"

There was silence for a while.

"How about... Nah. Or.....Nah.." Tierce was quiet once again.

"Oh wait, I know.... Supreme Grand Master of the Galaxy?"

"Oooh.....I like....."


Coruscant.... Solo apartment.... Allie and Allie's room...

"We need to get out before breakfast."

"Yeah... that way we can avoid TWO tragedies." Said Allie.

They looked around their room for something to use. They glanced at each other. Giggled.


A few moments later they two were whizzing through Coruscent traffic on their landspeeder.

Meanwhile when they wouldn't come for breakfast, Jaina went up to their room, only to find Threepio all painted up and dressed up to look like the two twins, standing on top of each other.

"Oh, dear," he said.

"ZEKK!!!!!!!!!" Jaina screamed.


Another spot of unknown space....


"Uhh.. sweetie.. calm down.... It's not my fault.... it's not my fault....

I put in the right coordinates for Coruscant... only.. it's not there....." Luke was close to tears.

Mara sighed. She went over to him. "I'm sorry for being so hard on you... I'm just worried. I felt Ben in danger and wanted to go help him. I guess I let my anger get the best of me."

"Uh, it's, uh, it's okay. I understand." Luke wiped a tear of his cheek.

Mara went to glance at the nav readout.

"This is really strange though.... Maybe you were right. Maybe we did accidentally leave our galaxy or something."

She paused. "Hmmm.. Luke, do you remember where that strange planet was? The one with those..."

"No." He interrupted. "I mean, no I don't think so."



Coruscant ...

"I can't get read outs on Luke or Mara. Their commlinks must be off..."

"I can't raise the Sabre either...."

"It's like they... disappeared..."

Allie and Allie glanced at each other.

They knew what they had to do. It wouldn't be pretty.... but they had to get help. Obviously Mara and Luke weren't working out. They had to find someone else. Someone good.



"Caf?! At a time like this?! Grandpa, are you crazy?" Moaned Ben.

"Now, Ben..."

"No! I will not have milk and cookies and go to bed. Palpatine's back! And I'm the only one who can do anything because I'm the only one who knows who can do anything about it. Face it, Grandpa, you're old. Grandma's old. And the Punks, all my cousins, they'll too far sane to be helped any more.

It's all up to me."

Ben grabbed a cookie and ran from the room, heading towards his stolen ship.

Edited by Mara

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Sitting up in the tall worsyr trees of Kashyyk, Lowie couldn't remember the last time he'd felt so good. Initially, his family had been confused when he had returned home, but were estatic all the same. his mother, Kallabow rarely had the opportunity to see him, as he was always hanging around the Jedi Academy, or random starports while he was on tour. And his sister, Sirrakuk had hoped to sit down with them around a big wooden table filled with meat, and listen to all te stories of the places he'd been, and the things he'd done since he was gone.

[Hurry Sirra!] Lowie growled.

Oh why couldn't it have been like that? Sirra wondered angrily, as she climbed up the tree after him with a pack of wood strapped to her back. Instead of chilling around like he normally would, Lowie had instead decided to take on a new hobbie. And being the great brother he was he decided to drag her into it too.

Grandpa Itchy argued that Lowie's plan just didn't fit with contemporary Wookie thinking. It was a Wookie's duty to build their own homes in preparation for marriage, a point at which they would move out of their parent's homes and start their own family. Lowie took tradition and threw it out the window--something Sirra usually didn't mind doing herself, but Lowie was taking it a bit to far with his new Habitat for Wookie-kind project. Basically, he and a group of fellow Wooks would get together and build a home for those who needed it. He even shared with her his plans for a Holo-show called "Extreme Makeover, Treehouse Edition" but she didn't think it would pan out

Unfortunatly for Sirra, nobody else wanted to be bothered with the crazy task.

But Sirra felt that she needed to stay by her brother in his time of need. After all, he was there for her when she was going through her Rites of Passage. Still, she wondered what had gone so horribly wrong to knock her older brother so far off his axis.

Sirra reached the top, laying the heavy wood on the branches so they could begin the foundation.

[You need help?] Lowie roared down to his cousin Lumpy.

Sirra hadn't realized Lowie was right behind her, and startled, dropped a piece of wood.

Lowie frowned at Sirra. [Please be careful. You could hurt someone.]

Sirra frowned, growling about how there was no way that log could possibly hit anybody from where she had dropped it.

Meanwhile, about 100 feet down, Lumpy was digging his claws into the tree to climb higher when suddenly BAM! the log hit him right on the head and he fell to the platform below.

[What was that?] Lowie wondered aloud, looking around for the noise.

Sirra looked down to see her older cousin unconcious in a large vat of wood finish.


Two hours later in the Rwookrrooo medical center, the wookie doctor finally emerged from the emergency room. Sirra stopped pouting, and kicking her feet and stood up quickly to hear about her cousin.

[How is he?] Lowbacca asked, worried.

[He has a minor concussion, but that is less humiliating than the damage to his fur.]

[His fur?] Sirra asked. Lowie hushed her.

[it seems...the wood finish had time to harden before we could clean it all off.] The doctor barked a quick laugh. [Never in my years of medicine have I seen a case like his!]

[stop laughing.] Lowie growled. [What do you mean? What is wrong with my cousin?]

[We had to shave him.] The doctor tried to keep a straight face, but couldn't. [i'm sorry! It's just too funny!]

Lumpy had to leave the hospital with a sheet over his body, too ashamed to show his naked self to anyone.

* * *

That night, at dinner, Lumpy and Sirra had had enough. They offered to help Mallatabow in the kitchen, and when she wasn't looking, they marinated Lowie's steak in some local herbs that could put even a wookie Jedi out for a few hours. Together, and with the help of the family, they dragged Lowie onto a ship they had all pitched in to rent (after all it was for a good cause), and dumped him in the cabin.

Sirra locked the doors and barricaded them just to be sure.

[should we set a course for Coruscant?] Lumpy asked. He kinda hoped his father wouldn't have to see him in this humiliating state.

[No. I totally think the punks are as s--sa---you know, as he is.]

Together the wookies set a course for Naboo.

I shaved the wookie! xD Eat that Psychos!

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Meanwhile, on board Palpatine's new Death Star, the dark Lord summoned his evil henchmen.

"Have you completed the important task I gave you?" Palpatine asked.

"I have master."

"Show me," growled Palpy.

"As you wish, my Lord." The shadowy and nameless servant, who will probably not appear again in the story after this, activated a holoprojector.

Palpatine cackled with glee as he saw the image of his Death Star 3 Super Turbo XLi, now fully completed with racing stripes, a rear spoiler and blue neon lights along the equator. "Gooood, goooooooood!"

"You like it, my Lord?"

"It is most magnificent. The Galactic Alliance will tremble before it's majesty! Just like I have foreseen."

"Phew!" the servant said, "I was worried I'd get it wrong and you'd kill me, my Lord."

"Whyever would you think that?" mused Palpy, just as a tiny fly buzzed passed him. "OH MY GOD THERE IS AN EVIL FLYING DOOM CREATURE OF HELL IN MY THRONE ROOM!!!"

The servant and all the Royal Gaurds covered their faces and dived to the floor as Palpatine filled the air with Force lightning bolts in an attempt to kill the intruder. Finally, after several minutes, the fly dripped to the ground.

"HA! I got it!" Palpatine grinned happily to himself, then looked around the room and saw only smouldering corpses. He shrugged, and pressed a button his chair to open a commlink. "More nameless lackies to the Throne Room please, Commander."

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Stolen ship, area around Third Death Star.....

"I don't know what happened to Grandpa.... He didn't even react when I told him that Palpatine was back.... What's going on..... " Ben continued mumbling to himself as he drew closer to a landing bay.


Space... Jaina and Zekk's ship...

"Are you sure he'll help us?" Allie asked.

"Yes, at least... I hope so. He just has to." Answered Allie.

"Okay... looking up coordinates now..."


Unknown space.... Jade's Sabre....

One thousand nav calculations later....

Mara and Luke glanced out the viewscreen together and then jumped up and a down hugging each other.

"I never thought I'd be so happy to see Coruscant again!" shouted Luke. "Wooooo!"

Mara cleared her throat. "Uh, Luke. Calm down. Time to get home and find Ben."

"Yes, of course." He sat down and helped Mara take the ship down to their landing pad.


Aboard the Third Death Star....

Gideon Tierce walked into Palpatine's Throne Room and looked around.

He raised an eyebrow. "Another spider, Supreme Grand Master?"

"No, a fly."


"What is it?"

He cleared his throat. "Ahem, ah.... there's an unidentifed ship coming in range."

"What!? How does anyone know where we are? This is supposed to be secret!"

"No idea, Supreme Grand Mas-"

"Shut up! I don't like that title anymore."

"Yes... sir. What about the ship, sir?"

"Let it land. We'll take whoever's inside to the brig for questioning."

"Now, about a new name...."

His throne beeped. "Yes? Uh... sir.... we'll need some more time in order to requiesce some more nameless lackies, sir..."

"Yes, yes, fine."


Gideon snapped to attention. "Yes, sir?"

"Alert everyone. I will now be going as.....

E. Palpy!" He cackled evilly. And zapped a droid in the corner in glee.

Tierce joined in laughing, nervously.

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Tenel Ka sat next to her grandmother, listening intently to the intrigues of the Hapan court. Ta?a Chume was still slightly suspicious over Tenel Ka?s sudden interest in Hapan politics, since she?d always sworn that she?d have nothing to do with her heritage on Hapes, that she?d always prefer Dathomir instead. Still, Ta?a Chume wasn?t a fool; she was taking full advantage of this sudden interest.

Tenel Ka yawned. ?Grandmother, We grow weary of this inane babbling of these courtiers and wish for something more stimulating. Bring in the dancers.?

There's more to come, I'm just having issues posting right now

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Ta'a Chume smiled. Things were progressing exaclty as she had forseen. Tenel Ka was giving in to the carnal tendencies of the Hapan culture. She clapped her hands twice sharply and the courtiers dispersed and a troupe of male dancers entered. Ta'a Chume's jaw dropped in surprise when she saw that they were not wearing their usual gauzy costumes but instead were dressed in lizardskin loincloths, similar to the outfits that Tenel Ka used to wear when she was younger. Ta'a Chume looked over at Tenel Ka and noticed that the look in her eyes changed. She no longer had that glassy look in her eyes, but a sparkle instead. Ta'a Chume knew that she had to act fast or she'd lose everything that she'd worked so hard for. "Blasphemy! You disgust us with your presence. Go and change into your proper costumes at once and we shall spare your lives."

The dancers froze in the provactive poses that they were in the middle of assuming for the Princess' pleasure. A strange masked man who was breathing rather heavily had provided the costumes that they were wearing and told them that the Princess had specifically ordered these costumes to remind them of home. However, the wrath of the Queen Mother was something to be avoided at all costs.

Tenel Ka had a sparkle in her eye though, until she heard a heavy breathing behind her. What kind of pervert was there looking at these male dancers when she was supposed to be alone with her grandmother? She spun around and saw to her surprise that it wasn't some pervert watching but was instead Lord Vader. "Lord Vader, what are you doing here? Hapes is to be left alone by you and your overlord. We shall not stand by and be subjugated by your Empire."

"Tenel Ka, what are you talking about? I am no longer in league with the Emperor, I am your Grandfather."

"No, it can't be."

"Search your heart, you know it to be true."

"Noooooooooo! How can it be?"

"You married my grandson Jacen when you were in a punk rock band together. And now you've all gone sane, which is partly my fault because I made you repaint the Death Star matte black by hand, and you've returned to rule Hapes and Jacen is collecting stamps. Unfortunately all of the other Punks have gone sane as well and we must collect them and turn them insane again. The fate of the galaxy depends on it because Emperor Palpatine is back from the dead."

The spark was definitely back in Tenel Ka's eye now. "Gimme some WD-40, I'm totally up to the task. And this ruling of Hapes totally isn't for me."

Ta'a Chume paused in her rant at the dancers. All was lost.

Tenel Ka reached for her lightsaber only to find it missing. "Where's my lightsaber?"

Ta'a Chume cackled. "I destroyed it. You are no Jedi without it. You are mine now and will not return to your Punk friends."

"Never! I need my Jacey Wacey and we must save the galaxy. I've had enough of your meddling woman and will no longer be your pawn. A lightsaber does not a Jedi make, I can make a new one easily enough. And I will. I wash my hands of you grandmother. May you rot. Let's go Grandpa. Let's save the galaxy."

Ok, that's the end of my post

Edited by Princess

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The Third Death Star, landing bay....

Gideon Tierce sat aboard his shuttle, waiting to depart, when his commlink rang.

"What now?" he mumbled.

"Yes... your.. erh, E. Palpy?"

"Are you on your way to complete your mission?"

"Yes, sir."

"Good. Don't forget to pick up some milk on the way back."

He paused. "Uh, yes, sir, E. Palpy, sir." He closed the link. Palpatine could be so weird lately.

Tierce's shuttle continued on its way.


Coruscant, Solo residence....

Tink, tink...

"Han, someone's at the door."


"Go unlock it."

Han walked over to the entrance and unlocked the door. Luke and Mara came rushing in.

"Where's Ben? I can't find him anywhere!" exclaimed Mara.

"I don't know, we haven't seen him lately.." answered Leia. "Last we knew he was visiting his grandpa Vader."

Mara glanced at Luke. "To Naboo!" They rushed out of the apartment.

Han glanced at Leia. "Uh, Leia.... " he pointed to the HoloNews feed. "You'd better look at this...."

"Oh, my.... We'd better see what's going on."

"I'll get the Falcon ready.."

"Yes and I'll gather the children and Threepio." Added Leia.


Third Death Star interrogation room...

Unidentified lackey, "So what brings you here?"

"Uh, killing the Emperor, saving the world, you know." Answered Ben.

"Oh, okay. But you know, we kinda have to lock you up for that."

"Yeah, yeah I know. Then I'll escape and kill him anyway. Why don't you save us all some time and let me go kill him now?"

The lackey stared at the boy, confused.



A small shuttle landed in the outskirts of Theed Palace.

Later, a figure ran into the palace and down in the lower levels of the palace. In a few moments he had accessed the computer terminals and sent out a newsfeed on a highly encrypted channel to the local news stations and reporters.

He went to hide after going down do a secret ship bay and talking to his troops.


Naboo air space.... Jade's Sabre with Falcon on her tail.....

Sabre: "I hope we've gotten here in time." Said Luke.

Falcon: "I knew that man was bad news. How can the eviliest man in the galaxy turn good?" Said Han.

"Han, we don't know for sure that the Emperor is back and that father is in league with him..."

"Always bad, is what I say....."

Edited by Mara

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On board Harlequinn, Darth Vader's personal starship...

Tenel Ka was sorting through the crates that Vader had brought from the Death Star looking for the right shade of hair dye. "Where was that stuff that Jaina had that changed colors every 30 seconds? I wanted to use some of that? And where did all my lizard skin tube tops go?"

Vader walked in and held out a steaming cup of caf for Tenel Ka. "Here Tenel Ka, drink this up. You'll need the extra energy."

Tenel Ka sniffed the caf warily. "Sheesh Grandpa. This stuff smells almost as bad as the stuff that Whistler used to make for Corran at the Academy."

"It's not that bad Tenel Ka. Besides, picking up Jacen is going to use a lot of your energy. He's become very addicted to his sanity and stamp collecting." An alarm beeped up in the cockpit. "And we're coming up on Coruscant. Time to party."


Jacen Solo's Apartment, Coruscant

"Oooooh perfect. This stamp is from before Emperor Palpatine's reign. Back when Grandma Padme was a senator. It looks to be from the planet Naboo. This one deserves a special spot in my album." Jacen picked up a pair of tweezers and was just about to lay the stamp in the album when a harsh knock sounded on the door. "Sithspit! You ruined my stamp placement! This had better be good!" Jacen stalked over to the door and whipped it open rather forcefully. His jaw dropped when he saw his wife there.

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Tenel Ka reached forwards and used her finger to close Jacen's jaw. "Don't do that," she said, rolling her eyes.

"It's just..." Jacen stammered, "I never thought you would come to help my stamp collecting!"

"I didn't."

"Then what are you here for?" Jacen stepped back as his Grandpa Vader appeared in the doorway beside Tenel Ka.

"Jacen, what is the matter with you?" Tenel asked.

"Nothing, I'm perfectly sane!" Jacen replied.

"See!" Tenel said to Vader, "I told you he was mad!"

"But technically, if he is sane, then he's not mad..."

"And that's exactly what makes him mad!"

"I don't want to insane," wailed Jacen.

"Jacen, dear," Tenel said softly, "it makes me mad knowing that you're not mad."

Vader had a look of confusion underneath his mask, "I think you're both mad..." he muttered. "Now let's get back to the ship."

Jacen gave a yelp as Vader grabbed him and dragged him kicking and screaming back to the ship, with Tenel Ka following.

"Now we'll see if that de-sanitising chamber I installed works." Vader said.

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Gideon Tierce sat in the secret underground hangar, giving further instructions to his, er, E. Palpy's, new special forces Gungan stormtroopers. It wasn't very hard for him to set the growing process in motion. Simple action figures turned deadly fighters. Tierce cackled evilly to himself. No one would ever suspect.

Suddenly, a bell rang. He cursed. Then he reminded himself that soon he would not have to masquerade as a butler any longer. He headed to the service elevator that would lead up to Padme's quarters.


A few moments later he stepped into Padme's private quarters. "You rang, mistress?"

"Yes," said Padme. "Giddy, could you please get me a cup of caf before bed? Thank you."

"Yes, madam." He left to obey, grumbling to himself all the way to the kitchen.


Interrogation room, Third Death Star...

Ben sat alone in the room, trying to undo his shackles with the Force, but failing. If only I had paid more attention in class .... he thought. But no matter how bad it got, he didn't dare reach out in the Force for his parents. A boy had to have some pride.

He concentrated again.

"I wouldn't do that." The door whooshed closed behind E. Palpy as he seated himself across from Ben.

Ben glared at him.

"Ahh... young Skywalker, we finally meet. "

Ben remained quiet.

"Ah, like your father. Your miserable disappointing father.

Come to strike me down, have you?"

"Yes! I'm going to kill you just like my dad did!" burst out Ben.

E. Palpy laughed, a slow quiet laugh. "Your father did not kill me. He did not have the strength to strike me down. He needed his father to save him in the end. " He spit out the last words, like a bad taste in his mouth.

"Noooo... that's not true!"

"You know it to be true, young Skywalker..

I was planning on executing you. Or using you as bait to finish off your father. But perhaps I have come up with an even more enticing offer.

Join me and become the most powerful man in the galaxy. Next to me, of course.

You will be my, let's say, my manager. Or producer. Or both. I would like to make one of those CD thingies."

Ben sat there, flabbergasted. He thought about the proposal for a moment. It would be a chance to be more famous than the Jedi Punks. He could help Palpy do this... and perhaps get his own band started with the money and the help from a big name like him.

But was it the best thing to do? He did speak badly about his father.... Should he worry about petty galaxial things or defend his family's honor and defeat Palpy once and for all?

Ben spoke up. "Uhhh... can you let me think about it?"

"Certainly. I will be back in one hour to discuss your future." E. Palpy straightened his big "E" bling and put his fur coat back on before leaving the room.



First butler, now receptionist... Tierce grumbled to himself. This had better get somewhere fast.

"And you would be?" he asked.

"Luke and Mara Skywalker. And Han and Leia Solo. Here to see our mother." Answered Luke.

Tierce picked up a commlink. "Please wait while I check.." He turned around and set a secret message to his Gungan commander, Googoo.

He hung up and turned back to the couples. "She'll be down in a moment." He smiled.

Just then a nearby lift opened, and a few dozen Gungans in stormtrooper garb opened fire on the four of them.

Luke went to ask Tierce what was going on, but the man was gone.

Edited by Mara

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