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Ongoing Comedy 5: Return of the Jedi Punks

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The squad of blue stormtroopers all turned.

"Oops." said Luke. The stormies raised their blasters.

"Yousa surrender!" a stormie ordered.

"No." said Thrawn, turning around. "Hello, Master Skywalker." he greeted, "You've arrived just in time." And with that, he pressed a big red button.

Luke frowned, and caugtiously moved to the viewport, looking out of it. He gasped. The next room was massive, with almost 2 million tanks lining the walls. Inside the tanks were none other than...

"Britney Spears clones???" Luke exclaimed.

Thrawn nodded evilly.

And with that, the tanks hissed open, and the Teenybopper army began marching towards Luke.

"Arn't they marvelous?" Thrawn repeated. He turned to Luke, awaiting a reply, but Luke had allready run away as fast as his legs would carry him.


Anakin's legs were also carrying him. They carried him far, far from Robo-Thrawn's throne room. He became lost in the maze-like corridors of Thrawn's Little Pinky Toe but he didn't care. He rounded a corner and found himself in a dark room. So dark was the room, that he didn't notice the figure standing in a sinister black cloak until he bumped into him. The cloaked figure spun around.

"Who in the Nine Corellian Hells are you?" the punk bassist exclaimed.

The cloaked figure threw off his cloak. So now he wasn't a cloaked figure anymore. Rather, he was a decloaked figure. Yeah.

Anakin found himself looking at a black guy with scarily baggy pants, gold teeth and a bling around his neck.

"I'm Darth Nizzle" said Darth Nizzle. He whipped out a microphone.

"I'm Darth Nizzle,

Prepare to die,

I'm more crunked up then you,

you puny Jedi,

I got the madd skillz,

when I rock the mike,

gonna beat yo ass,

day and night,

I can speak words really fast,

So I'm musically talented,

I'm so gangsta,

I'll send you back to yo crib!


Anakin was about to say something, but then his ears exploded.

Edited by Chickenman

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Anakin fell to the floor clutching his ears, "Oh the pain, the pain of it all!"

Nizzle chuckled, "yo, prepare to die."

Anakin looked up to see the gold-toothed grin staring at him, and shielded his eyes from the glare as Darth Nizzle moved in, lightsaber in one hand, microphone in the other.

* * *

Luke ran through a tunnel and came to a dead end. "Oops," he said, "I did it again."

He turned to see his only way out blocked by the hoard of Britney Spears clones, who's eyes had lit up at the mention of one of their songs. They began to sing...

* * *

Mara was halfway to the Punks when she heard a blood curdling scream from Luke. She reached for her comm, but realised that it wasn't coming from the comm. Such was the bloodcurdlingness of the scream that it travelled halfway across the planet and through the hull of the starship without losing any volume.

Mara sighed and turned the ship around. "Once a farmboy always a farmboy," she muttered to herself.

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Anakin lit his saber, and swung at Nizzle. Nizzle parried easily, and tried to stab Anakin. Anakin rolled to the side. They wove an intricate dance, exchanging blow for blow, swing for swing. Neither could gain an upper hand. That's when Anakin got an idea.

"It is obvious this contest will not be decided by our skills with a lightsaber, but by our skills with...music!"

Darth Nizzle was taken aback. "But...I know nothing about music. I'm a rapper!"

Anakin frowned. "Err...okay. You just do your thing, and I'll do mine." Nizzle nodded, saluting with his lightsaber.

Anakin pulled out his bass, which had been...there the whole time. Yeah. He just walks around with his bass all the time. He looped the strap around his shoulders, and tuned the bass. Satisfied, he began to sing the title track from the Punks' latest album, "Corellian Idiot."

"Don’t wanna be a Corellian Idiot

Corellian Ale and its intoxication,

In the crosshairs of Centerpoint Station

Please take me away from Corellia,

It’s like a space pirate convention,

All across the alien nation,

Why won’t the smugglers go away?

Over here you can buy spice

For about half of the price,

But the forces of Corsec will pursue,

Well maybe I’m the smuggler Corellia,

We throw ewoks into a blenda,

Planets, Centerpoint can renda,

It’s going out to Idiot Corellia,

It’s like a space pirate convention,

All across the alien nation,

Why won’t the smugglers go away?

Over here you can buy spice,

For about half of the price,

But the forces of Corsec will pursue,

Don’t wanna be a Corellian Idiot,

Why go here, I’ve got no idea

Don’t wanna smuggle spice for Jabba,

Corellia is like diarrhea,

It’s like a space pirate convention,

All across the alien nation,

Why won’t the smugglers go away?

Over here you can buy spice,

For about half of the price,

But the forces of Corsec will pursue."

Anakin grinned cockily at Darth Nizzle. Surely, he could not beat his modern punk sound. But then Darth Nizzle brough his microphone to his lips, and belted out some madd noize.

Madd Noize, in this case, meant his song "H.U.T.T"

"I don’t know what your heard about me,

But a smuggler can’t get a credit outta me,

Look, I rhymed “me” with “me”

Cause I’m a motherkriffing H-U-T-T

I don’t know what your heard about me,

But a smuggler can’t get a credit outta me,

Look, I rhymed “me” with “me”

Cause I’m a motherkriffing H-U-T-T

Now Oola, up in the cantina, dancing for creds,

Yeah, The rancor is what she dreads,

Doesn’t wanna be eaten she’d rather dance instead,

I drop her down the trapdoor, her last words unsaid,

Drop her in the Rancor arena,

The people see blood, red red red,

Yeah, all up in the cantina

That’s the last anyone’s ever seen her,

There’s my buddy Greedo,

Solo’s gonna make him bleed-oh!,

And there’s the best bounty hunter, his name’s Boba Fett,

Get him after you, that’s somethin’ yo gonna regret,

I’ll send him after you if you don’t pay yo debts,

If you pay your debts, well hey, no sweat,

Look, this is simple, can’t you see?

You kriffing wit me, you kriffing wit an H-U-T-T

I don’t know what your heard about me,

But a smuggler can’t get a credit outta me,

Look, I rhymed “me” with “me”

Cause I’m a motherkriffing H-U-T-T

Yeah, If you a smuggler, don’t drop yo spice on me,

If you kriffing wit me, you kriffing wit a H-U-T-T

You say you had no choice, but I disagree,

I’m a gangsta crime lord, I’m a H-U-T-T,

Gonna run away, I’m gonna post a bounty,

You know what I am? I’m a kriffing H-U-T-T

If you wit me, we can go on a crime spree,

I wonder how many times in this song I can say H-U-T-T?

Into the Sarlacc pit you gonna fall,

You gonna fall like that sith down the pit, Darth Maul,

Was that in episode 1 or 2, I don’t recall,

Shut the hell up, wanna start a brawl?

Yeah, I’m a hutt, on the ground I crawl,

I’m running out of words that end with an “awl”

Is it hip that I keep spelling out the word “hutt?”

No one’s stopping me, so my mouth, I won’t shut,

I don’t know what your heard about me,

But a smuggler can’t get a credit outta me,

Look, I rhymed “me” with “me”

Cause I’m a motherkriffing H-U-T-T

I’ll drop you in the pit of Sarlacc,

For no reason, just ‘cause I’m mack,

Yeah, Betting on the podraces,

Biggest pimp in Hutt Space,

My body’s giant,

To the law I’m not compliant,

I’m more than just a big slug,

Just ask my Bib Fortuna, my top thug,

I was gonna send Skywalker to his doom,

But then he made my sail barge go boom,

Yeah, I got Princess Leia in that slave outfit,

Don’t kriff with me, I’m not legit

My body’s kinda unfit,

I got my bith the Salacious Crumb,

Yeah, I eat those frog things – yum,

I’m among the world’s worst scum,

I don’t know what your heard about me,

But a smuggler can’t get a credit outta me,

Look, I rhymed “me” with “me”

Cause I’m a motherkriffing H-U-T-T

Yeah, on Hoth they say their aint’ no b’dness like ice b’dness,

On Nar Shaddaa, there’s no b’dness like spice b’dness,

I’m an H-U-T-T

Yeah, I’m an H-U-T-T"

Anakin's ears exploded again. Once he had regained his sense of hearing again, he wondered aloud, "Wait, how do we tell who won?"

As if on cue, Carson Daly walked in.

"What the hell are you doing here, yo? Fo shiz?" Nizzle inquired.

"Dude, I'm the sole advocate of good music in the galaxy. If I say it's good music., it's good music. Therefore, I am the sole person qualified to tell you which of your songs is crap." the poster boy for MTV replied.

"Sounds good to me." said the foolish Anakin Solo.

"Word" said Darth Nizzle.

"Okay then, let's see. Rap is much 'hipper' than rock. So, I have no choice, but to crown Darth Nizzle the winner.

"WHAT?????" cried out Anakin. "How can you possibly believe that?"

"MY WORD IS LAW!!!!" Carson bellowed. He turned his head "Isn't that right, kids?"

A crowd of thirteen year old girls in the corner nodded vigorously. "Whatever you say, Carson!" they replied, in chorus with each other. It was creepy.

"That's what I thought." Carson said, nodding.

Darth Nizzle cackled.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" screamed Anakin.


Elsewhere in the Little Pinky Toe, the other Punks heard Anakin's scream.

"I think Anakin might be in trouble." Jacen announced. Jaina hit him.

"Duh." she said. They took off, dashing through the mazelike hallways of the Little Pinky Toe. Then they stopped. Jaina ran back into the throne room, grabbed Tahiri, and dragged her back to the Punks. And then they continued through the Little Pinky Toe.

"Marco!" called out Zekk. To the Punks' dismay, Anakin did not reply with a "Polo."


Thrawn stopped the Britney clones from singing, something that would have undoubtedly killed the great Jedi Master.

"What are you trying to do, Thrawn?" Luke demanded.

"Isn't it obvious, Skywalker?" Thrawn replied.

Luke shook his head. "Not really."

"Oh. Really? You can't tell?"


"Okay, allow me to explain then."

Luke waited for the explanation. And waited. And waited somemore.


"Yes?" Thrawn asked politely.

"The explanation?"

"Oh, you wanted it now?"


"Oh, okay. It's a long story, so here goes. I've become the CEO of the MTV network. My plan is to take over first Kamino, then the galaxy, with crappy music carrying the MTV stamp of approval." Thrawn explained.

"That...was't a very long story." Luke replied.

"No, I guess not." Then Thrawn was distracted, as one of the Britney Spears clones was making out with Madonna. When Thrawn finnally turned his attention back to Skywalker, Luke had dissapeared. For the second time of the day, Thrawn had been distracted by Britney Spears, which had allowed Luke to escape.

"Oops." Thrawn said. "I did it again.

The Britney clones' eyes lit up. They began to sing...

Thrawn screamed.


The Punks finnally rounded a corner, and entered a dark room. They found themselves face to face with Darth Nizzle.

"Who are you, and what have you done with Anakin?" Zekk demanded.

"Yo dawg. I'm Darth Nizzle. Fo Shizzle. I'm a poet and I didn't know it. Word." Darth Nizzle replied.

Jacen nodded. "Okay, 'Darth Nizzle. Fo Shizzle. I'm a poet and I didn't know it. Word.' (Wow, that's a long name!) where's Anakin?"

Darth Nizzle stepped aside. "Why, he's right here." he answered. Standing behind Nizzle was a figure dressed in a dark cloak. The Punks leaned in closer for a better look. Really close. Uncomfortably close.

"Yo! Get outta my grill!" ordered Lil Ani.

Edited by Chickenman

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The Goshfactor...

After the Goshfactor finally landed on Kamino and Keith Richards finally swabbed up all of Clay Aiken's pee, Bongo, Keith, Elton and Clay were wandering their way through one of the many Kaminoan bubble cities looking for the Punks. Most of the way Elton was bumping into walls because he was busy looking into a compact and readjusting hairs.

"Careful, Elton hon.." came Clay, as Elton hit another wall. "Shall I kiss it better?"

Keith groaned, rolling his eyes. He moved on ahead to walk with Bongo. Once out of earshot, since Clay and Elton were cooing at each other, Keith grabbed Bongo's shoulder.

"Look, boss, do we really need those freaks? How are those twits gonna replace the Punks? They're pansies. Plus there's only two of them."

"It'll work out, don't worry. And let go of my arm."

"Oh, right." Keith let go. "But are you sure it'll work out?"

"Yes, yes.. I'm sure we'll figure it out. We always do."

"Yeah and you always say that.." muttered Keith.


"Nothing. "Here, have a tot." Keith tossed Bongo a tot.

"All right!"


Elsewhere on Kamino...

Mara was so sick of Luke sometimes. Just about when she was hot on Thrawn's tail and could have asked him why he wanted her and Luke there, he just had to get himself into trouble. She had sworn that he was getting soft in his older age. Especially with Ben now. He was getting all daddy soft. Mara shook her head. Something needed to change. The Jedi Order was going down the 'lifts.

Sighing, she landed back on the platform where she had been just a few hours ago. Locking and securing teh Sabre, she ran back inside to help Luke.


In another part of Kamino...

Luke was jogging quickly through the shiny pink hallways, trying to find a way out into the open. He felt like he was going in circles, so he stretched out his Force presence a bit more. He felt the Punks and Mara. Wait, Mara felt closer, much closer. He groaned. What was she doing back on this side, when she was supposed to be saving Ben and the Punks? He told her he would be all right. Sometimes she just didn't believe in him anymore. He had also noticed her anger creeping up even more than the usual. Probably another relapse, he thought. Which was understandable. She was right to get mad when her only son was kidnapped. Her itty witty little cute wittle boy... A tear crept down Luke's cheek as he moved his way through the halls.


On the Rogue Spacer...

Ben was getting pretty impatient. Not only had no one come to capture yet, but no one had come to get him either. They had forgotten about him. His own cousins had forgotten him. They would pay. His anger flared as he squeezed himself out of the hidden compartment behind the 'fresher. He wrinkled his nose. The Punks didn't clean that room very often. Grabbing some extra ration bars, Ben headed down towards the hatch of the ship.



Mara stopped dead in the hall. She had suddenly felt a flash of the Force. Luke was close. She ran around a corner and ran smack into him.




"Yeah, sorry, Luke.."

They rubbed their heads awhile, formulating their thoughts; Luke on why Mara would come after him, and Mara on why in all space he would run into her.

But then something stopped them.

"Was that...?"

"Yeah, I felt it too."

"Ben." They said in unison.

Luke wrinkled a brow. "But he's alone. I thought he was with the Punks?"

"I thought that too.."

They glanced at each other. They nodded.

Forgetting about the Punks, they both ran back the other way towards the Sabre, to get to Ben's presence before they lost the connection.


On the other side of Kamino...

"Anakin?" asked Jacen. "What happened to you?"

"I've found da light, yo. And it's Lil Ani now."

"Oh no.." murmured the Punks.

"First Tahiri..then Lowie.. now you.." Jaina glanced around at her comrades, raising an eyebrow.

"Don't look at me!" fought Tenel Ka.

Jaina arced an eyebrow.



Thrawn was organizing his Spears army into ranks before starting off to find Luke again. But then he heard noises. Very strange noises. He raised a hand and the Spearites flattened against the pink walls. Thrawn tiptoed ahead, trying to get a glimpse of something. He saw four figures heading their way.

"Quickly!" he hissed. "Around the corner!"

A lot of rubbing vinyl was heard as the army ran around a corner.

The voices became clearer.

"I dunno, Keith... I still think it'll work."

"I dunno, Bongo.. You do know we're talking about Clay and Elton John, right?"

"Hmm...yes.. but that may just be the key."

Hearing Bongo's familiar voice, the original Britney broke rank and burst around the corner.

"Bongo!" she screamed and jumped on Bongo.

"Woah, lady..."

"You don't recognize me?" asked Britney sweetly.


"Yeah, I guess not. You are Bongo right? You asked N*SYNC to meet up with you?"


Britney glanced around. "Where's my Justy?"

"Uhh..." Bongo traded glances with Keith. "Uhh.. he.. uhh... didn't make it."

"WHAT?!" Britney grabbed Bongo's collar. "YOU LET MY JUSTY DIE??!!!!!!!!!"

Bongo gulped.

Thrawn just stood back and watched as the Britneys all ran to defend their honor against Bongo.

Keith grinned and got out his sub atomic machine gun and cocked it.

Clay and Elton huddled in a corner.


At the landing pad with the Rogue Spacer...

Ben was just walking towards the bubbled entrance door when his parents rushed through the other side.

Mara scooped him up in her arms.

"MOM! You came!"

"Of course sweetie..."

Luke smiled.

Edited by Mara: conejita de nieva

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Back on Coruscant...

Allie and Allie were having fun playing tea party with Mrs Pennypoof, who just happened to be Yoda. Yoda wasn't really sure how the younglings had managed to capture him, force him into a dress and put makeup on him and a wig. He was stronger in the Force than that. But it was of exhilirating to be able to wear a dress and not have to hide in the bottom of the Jedi Temple where no one would see him. The frumpy old lady dress was a little more conservative than what he would normally wear, but he shrugged, at least it was better than the constraints of pants. Allie interrupted his thoughts, or was it Allie, "Mrs Pennypoof, would you like more tea?"

"Please me it would. Most excellent cook you are."

Allie and Allie giggled. This was a fun game of tea party.


Back on Kamino...

Jacen shook his head looking at Lil Ani. "Little brother, I hate to do this to you, but it's for your own good." He grabbed him in a choke hold and knocked him out. The other rappers that were Anakin's entourage gasped and pulled out their blasters. The Punks just stared and ignited their lightsabers. The rappers laughed, what good were those funky flashlights against a good blaster? This was going to be like shooting fish in a barrel.

Jacen, Jaina and Tenal Ka formed a defensive triangle, not letting anyone have a back to the enemy. Anakin was tossed over in a corner with Zekk protecting him and then the shooting started. The rappers expected everyone to die quickly, and were shocked when the Punks started deflecting their bolts back at them. Soon the entourage was down to 3 from the original 18. These guys are good, Jaina thought. We're going to need some help if we're going to get out of this.

Suddenly Luke and Mara burst into the room, lightsabers blazing and helped the Punks cut down the last of the rappers. But there was something in the look of Mara's eyes that made the Punks keep their lightsabers in their hands. This was worse than the time that they locked up Mirax and Mara and gave them makeovers. This involved Ben.

Jaina took the lead. "Aunt Mara! Uncle Luke! It's not what you think! We rescued Ben and were on our way to Naboo to vist Grandpa Vader and Grandma Padme for some of Grandma's yummy cookies and Tahiri turned out to be an imposter who was actually a robotic form of Grand Admiral Thrawn. He made us come to Kamino and had Lowie killed! And then, Thrawn turned out to be a robot and Tahiri was controlling him and Anakin turned to the dark side and became a rapper. And we told Ben to stay with the ship so that he'd be safe." Jaina burst into tears and Zekk slipped a comforting arm around her. "We didn't mean to cause any trouble Aunt Mara! We really didn't! We just want to go see Grandma and Grandpa."

The other Punks nodded in sympathy. "We miss Lowie! And Tahiri!" They cried out to Luke.

Luke nodded solemnly. "You children really seem to have a knack for trouble following you. I can see that this isn't your fault. Now, do you have something of Lowie's around? A piece of fur or anything?" The Punks all checked their clothing and Tenal Ka found a piece of Lowie fur clinging to her lizard skin tube top.

"Here's a piece, Master Skywalker. What do you need it for?"

"Well, I just happen to have this handy dandy regenerating device from the Clone Wars here. I just have to let it get some DNA from Lowie's fur and place it in the sample section here." Luke placed the piece of fur in the sample section and pressed a few buttons. The device chugged and whirred and soon the form of Lowie showed up in the center of the group and solidified.

"Lowie!" Everyone jumped over to him and wrapped him in a giant hug, forgetting about the unconscious Anakin in the corner.

Anakin was slowly starting to come to. His anger at his brother was palapable and everyone turned around to see him slowly getting up. "Uh oh, this isn't going to be good," Zekk stated the obvious.

Jacen and Jaina turned to Luke and Mara. "Help us. Mom and dad are gonna kill us if they find out that Anakin has become a rapper."

Mara shrugged. "That'd save me the trouble of having to kill you for taking my son halfway around the galaxy when I told you to bring him straight home!"

The Punks trembled visibly. Luke stared at Mara. "I thought that we agreed that we weren't going to kill them now."

"Fine, you take away all my fun Luke." She glared at the Punks. "Just wait until I tell your mother and father what you've been up to."

The Punks gulped. They ran over to Anakin and scooped him up and took off at a dead run for Rogue Spacer. Grandma and Grandpa would help them. In the hallway Ben saw them running. "Hey guys! Wait up! Where are you going?"

Jacen turned back to look at him. "We're going to see Grandma and Grandpa on Naboo. Come on if you want to come." Ben took off running with the Punks.

Back in the battle room, Mara and Luke looked at each other. "They're at it again Luke. They galaxy might not survive this time."

"Eh, I'm getting sick of saving it every time something goes wrong anyways. What say you and I take a little vacation to Alderaan."

"Uh, Luke, are you off your rocker? Alderaan was blown up years ago by your father and the Emperor."

"Oh yeah." Luke looked crestfallen. "I forgot."

"That's ok, it comes with old age. How about we go to Vortex instead?"

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Britney Spears bodies flew right and left as Keith Richards blew them apart with his sub atomic machine gun. He was grinning, as if he had never been happier than blasting annoying teenie boppers. He even laughed.

"Bwahahahahhaaa..." Another Spears head flew into a wall.

"YOU KILLED MY MAN!" Screamed the original Britney Spears again. "YOU DESERVE TO DIE YOU PIECE OF ----"

"Hold on now," interrupted Bongo. "Please.. I'll explain..." Not hearing resistence, he quickly went on. "You see, Justin died defending his friends. Yeah. Without him, the rest of N*SYNC would have been brutally and quickly murdered. But by sacrificing himself, Justin allowed his friends to last a little longer. He did a good thing."

Calmer, Britney let go of Bongo's collar. He rubbed his sore neck.

"Really? My Justin did all of that?"

"Yes. Yes, he did."

Britney smiled. Then smiled wider. "You're lying. My Justin would never do that, the selfish nerfherder."

"No, really, it's true! He had a change of heart!" squealed Bongo.


Elsewhere on Kamino...

The Punks were congradulating each other on their awesome escape, whooping and hollering.

"Hahaha... they think we're going to visit Granpa Vader and Grandma Padme. Boy did we fool them!" cackled Jaina.

Still celebrating, they ran into the Rogue Spacer.

Running to catch up with the Punks, Ben suddenly stopped and came to his senses. They weren't hiding me for my protection... they forgot me! Wiping away a tear, Ben defiantly turned his back on his cousins and ran back to his parents to get a ride home.


At the Jade's Sabre...

Luke and Mara were walking hand in hand down the landing platform toward her ship.

"It's been months before we've had any alone time with each other," murmured Mara.

"Oh, I know.. we're so busy... and with trying to keep Ben out of trouble.."

"At least he's seeing his grandparents now. They should be able to overrule the Punks."

Luke nodded. "Yeah. Dad'll keep them in line."

Then went into their ship.

After setting their course to Vortex and leaving Artoo to keep an eye on things, they raced each other to their cabin.



Ben raced through the mazes of Kamino and finally ended up at the platform where his parents' ship rested. Or had been resting. They had left without him.


The Punks and his cousins didn't love him. His parents didn't love him. Ben began to cry. Her curled up inside the door and sobbed.

Soon, he wiped his tears and began exploring the city/town/thing he happened to be in. If he was stranded alone, he might as well have fun.


In another part of Kamino...

Thrawn had calmed his remaining Britney clones and darted the original. She now slept peacefully on the floor. I'm so glad I decided against making a complete exact clone of that one...

He then turned to Bongo, Clay and Elton.

"Now boys, perhaps we can work something out..." He stopped and held out a hand. "Do you hear something?"

"Uhh.. no.." answered Bongo.

"Nope!" Clay and Elton.

A Gungan trooper tapped his blue helmet. "Someone's coming thesa way, sir."

Thrawn rubbed his hands together. "Really.... this should be ...interesting..."

Just then Ben came into view, running his hand along a wall. He stopped short, his eyes widening.

"Hello there."

"Not you again!" Ben turned and ran back the way he came.

A few troopers moved to go after Ben.

"No," Thrawn spoke up. "Let him go. There's only so many places he can hide."

Edited by Mara: conejita de nieva

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Ben ran and ran. He had no idea where he was, but he needed to get away from Thrawn. Finally, he found a room where all he heard was the slight creaking of something being fixed.

Ben peered in. He saw a man fixing a lightsaber. He walked in slowly.

The man turned around.

"Mr. Skywalker!"

Ben jumped, then blinked. He peered in closely. "Do I know you?"

The man smiled eerily. "Don't you remember me?"

Ben shook his head, wondering if the man realized what the name "Skywalker" meant. Or what it had been associated with. He had met far more people then he had ever wanted to in his life already.

The man smiled his eerie smile again.

"I'm sure you've seen holos of me."

That usually meant the guy had been dead.

"Who are you?"

"I'm Spid...never mind. I was Mace Windu, I once owned the greatest lightsaber of all, the purple. Now," he ignited the lightsaber, "It's mauve! I have returned to you, at the turn of the tide. Together, we shall bring down the Punks!" Now he really grinned.

Ben sighed. (a) He knew that someone had to have written this guy's lines and (b) there had to be some kid in the galaxy who had met no formerly dead people. There just had to be.

"Fine, whatever, can I borrow your comm?" Ben asked. Mace looked surprised, but nodded.

Ben grabbed the comm and called his parents.

R2's face came up.

"R2! Where are my parents?"

R2 beeped.

Ben paled, then blushed. "Can you, uh, tell them, uh, that their son, Ben, is still on Kamino? And uh, he's with some Mace Windu who has a mauve lightsaber?"

R2 beeped happily.

Ben put in another call.

Allie's and Allie's face came up. They giggled.

"Allie! Allie! Let me talk to Yoda NOW!" he said.

Ben regretted those words. Yoda was dressed as an old lady.


"Ask, you will not, Ben."

Ben was tired, he knew how old Yoda was, but he didn't care if how quickly and randomnly he said everything would kill Yoda. "Know a Mace Windu? He's here on Kamino bragging about a mauve lightsaber. The Punks left me, Thrawn's here, and my parents left me. I am unloved."

Yoda's eyes kept getting wider and wider.

"Send, I will, your aunt and uncle. Stay, at your location. Keep Mace away, from Ewoks that are blended."

"You mean Blended Ewoks?"

Mace looked up.

"Shh!" Yoda said urgently. "Had an addiction..worse than Valin's.. Afraid, of these drinks, people were, for long time. Until, Punks, brought them back into popularity."

Ben sighed. "Skywalker out."

He made one final call, where he had to leave a message.

He sent it to his grandparents, "Dear Grandma, and Grandpa, hope you are well. If you see the Punks, don't give them cookies. They abdonded me on Kamino. So did my parents. Save me. I'm with Mace Windu. Thrawn is back. Love, Ben,"

"Kamino..now that's a name I haven't heard in a long time, long time." Mace said thoughtfully, evesdropping.

Ben wanted to cry.

Edited by SoftballJedi

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On Kamino...

Ben was sitting cowering in corner hoping that no more undead dead clone guys would show up. But with his luck, he thought, there'd be at least seven more that appeared in the next few weeks.

Mace sat a little distance away fiddling with his lightsaber.

"Thicker! Thicker and longer I need! Yes!"

Ben thought he was going to be sick.


Aboard the Jade's Sabre...

"Artoo! Hold on a few minutes!"

"No... he can come in."

"Oh?" wondered Luke.

"Yeah, we're done."

"Oh, okay." Luke fumbled around for his tunic. "Yes, Artoo, what is it?"

Artoo came through the little droidy door flap Luke had installed. A series of beeps, tweedles and toots followed.


"Mara, calm down.. I'm sure he's just all excited. Repeat, Artoo."

The same series of beeps, tweedles and toots followed.


"Shh.. Mara.. I'm sure he's okay..."

"But he's our son! Those kriffin' cousins of his... I wish Leia had listened to me and sent them to boarding school. Maybe they would have learned some manners." Grumbled Mara.

"Well, let's go back and get him. We could use a nice family vacation too."

She nodded and headed out to set the course.

"Hey, wait! Where's my boot?" called out Luke.


Elsewhere on Kamino...

"Well, Mr. Thrawny, should wesa gosa after thems?"

"Maybe we can have a dance-off!" squealed a Britney clone.

Thrawn rolled his eyes then sighed dramatically. "Yes, I suppose we should. It doesn't look like the little twerp is coming back.

All troops: March!"

Grand Admiral Thrawn led the wal through the pink hallways on the search for Ben.



"Someone's coming," Mace interjected randomly.

"Huh? Oh... Great."

"With Gungans. That's odd."

"Gungans? Oh blast!"

"Watch your language, son."

Ben rolled his eyes and tried to melt into the pinkish wall to hide from Thrawn.

Just then Thrawn and the troopers and Britney clones came around the corner. "We have you now..."

Mace jumped out in front on Thrawn.

"You must go through me to get to him!" He lit his sabre.

"Umm..you would be..?"

"Mace Windu, Keeper of the Large Thick Mauve Sabre!"



"Uhh.. Master Yoda..why are..."

"Ask, you shall not, Captain Solo."

"Okay, I won't."

"What's the problem, Master Yoda?" asked Leia?

"Must be something bad to disturb us from our vacation."

Leia shot him a look. He shrugged.

"Master Yoda?" asked Leia again.

"Go you must to Kamino. Save Ben Skywalker. And --" Yoda was interrupted with cries of "Mrs Pennypoof!"

Han and Leia glanced at each other.

"No, touch that you may not! Eaaaaaaaaaahhh -----" The comm went dead.

"Well, I guess we're off to Kamino.."

"I'll pack some clothes," Leia nodded and left for their bedroom.

Edited by Mara

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On Kamino...

Thrawn rolled his eyes. "I have no time for this."

"This threshold is mine!" Mace shouted loudly. "I claim it as my own! Bring on your thousands, one at a time or all in a rush, I don't give a damn! None shall pass!"

"Okay," Thrawn said and motioned forward with two fingers and then moved out of the way as the Gungans advanced on Mace.

Mace's jaw dropped. That wasn't supposed to happen. "Uh-oh."


Aboard the Falcon

Han looked at Leia. "Why was Yoda--?"

"I don't know," Leia answered quickly.

"Mrs. Pennypoof?" Han questioned.

Leia shook her head. "I don't want to know."

Han shook his head. "Anyway, what could Ben possibly need saving from, and why aren't his parents doing it?"

Leia's face gained a wry frown. "Probably our kids and Luke and Mara may not have heard about it, yet."

Han nodded slightly. "Gotcha."

Leia shook her head. "I don't like it. I just hope Ben hasn't encountered anything that is going to scar him for life."

Han grew his lopsided grin. "What on Kamino could possibly do that to him?"

Leia nodded in agreeance. "Yeah. You're probably right."

Edited by Hall_Marnari

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Onboard Rogue Spacer...

Jaina was the first person to come too after the celebration party that followed the escape from Kamino. She looked around at the bottles of BE and WD40 that littered the lounge on the ship. She took count of the people onboard. Jaina, check. Lowie, check. Zekk, check. Jacen, check. Tenal Ka, check. Tahiri, check. Anakin, check. Ben? Oh crap. "Uh guys, wake up. Now."

The Punks all groaned as they regained consciousness. "What Jaina?" Zekk asked irritably. "We were passed out. "

"I know, but we're missing Ben!"

Everyone turned pale. Anakin gulped. "Aunt Mara's going to kill us!"

"That is a fact." Tenal Ka stated. "And go back to Kamino is out because we barely escaped as it was. We're going to have to lure them away from the planet."

"That's great love," Jacen said to her. "But just how do we get them away from Kamino?"

"Well that's the easy part Jace. We throw a concert. We throw it on some deserted planet but instead of us really being there, we get a bunch of insta clones. We sneak in and rescue Ben and then blow up the planet. It's foolproof."

"Um loveypoo, you do realize that mother will kill us if we blow up a planet, don't you?"

[i can take care of that,] Lowie interjected. He held up a small round device. [if I get this wet, it will form a new planet that we can blow up and no one will realize it. Plus there won't be a native population to worry about so we won't rile up Princess Leia.]

"Good idea Lowie!" Anakin looked gleeful and eerily like his grandfather. "But how are we going to blow up the planet?"

"Well," Jaina thought for a minute. "I guess we can call Grandpa. Maybe he'll let us borrow the Death Star."

I'm not done yet. But I have to go for a while. I'll finish this later tonight

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On Kamino...

Ben rolled his eyes. ?Well, that really worked, Mr. Mace Windu, Keeper of the Large Thick Mauve Sabre. Got a plan for getting us out of this??

Mace glared mauve lightsabers at the youngster. ?You know, I don?t have to be here saving your skin.?

?But I thought the Old Republic Jedi Order taught you to save innocents,? Ben retorted.

Mace gave the kid strange look. ?You?re hardly innocent, you little punk brat.?

?Yeah? Well, I?ll have you know that?hey, watch out behind y?? Ben shuddered as Mace was pounced on by an angry mob of cannibalistic Gungans. He shuddered. Dad and Mom had never told him Gungans ate human flesh.

Thrawn giggled, and the original Brittany let out a squeal of delight. ?Oh, Thrawnyguy, can I have a piece of the weird mauve blade wielding black guy? I just feel like I?m eating for two, ever since you and I...well...you know...? She threw in a random dance move to emphasize her point, but stopped mid-technique, running to a corner to throw up.

Thrawn grinned sheepishly. ?Morning sickness.? The others groaned and trained their eyes on a random pink spot on the wall.

Ben almost joined Brittany in the corner, felling very nauseous himself. His attention was diverted, however, as he gazed stupidly at his cousin?s image staring back at him. ?Jacen?!? Is that really you? You guys came back for me!?

The image of Jacen shook his head. ?No, Ben. We just...uh...realized that, like, we forgot you...but we?re kinda light-years away now, so Jaina told me to project myself through the Force so I could tell you that we?re coming back to get you right now. Wait right there.?

Ben glanced at the Gungans, still finishing off a now very red rather than mauve Mace. ?But cuz, I gotta get out of here. Look what they did to that weird guy!? He looked at the image with wide eyes. ?I can?t get eaten, I?m too young to die!?

Jacen frowned. ?Leave that to me.? The Force-projected image of Jacen turned to Thrawn. ?Ahem...Hey, blue guy, look at me!?

Thrawn jumped. ?Holy wampas, where did you come from?!??

?Never mind that. What?s important is our upcoming concert. In fact, it?s free! And you?re all invited! But you have to leave right away, or you?ll miss all the good seats.?

Thrawn?s red eyes brightened to a bright pink. This was his chance to take over the Punks once and for all! All he needed to do was show up with all his evil friends to the concert on...he frowned. ?Where did you say this free concert was??

?Erm...? Jacen disappeared for a moment, then reappeared. ?It?s on Chia, home of the Chia, in the city of Chia. The whole planet is one big science experiment, created by none other than the Drunken Punk rocket scientist, funded by none other that our band. Grown in only a month!?

Bongo looked overjoyed. ?I just love plants!? He turned to Thrawn. ?Can we go? Please, please, please, please, please????

Thrawn needed no persuading. ?We leave at once!? With that Thrawn, Bongo and his companions, the Brittany bots, and the cannibalistic Gungans headed towards Thrawn?s ship, leaving Ben to stare after them in astonishment. He was alive, and the punks were coming back to get him!

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Jacen tenatively dialed his Grandpa at his house on Naboo. It took a minute but soon Vader's black helmet filled the viewscreen. Jacen suddenly started chocking and Jaina and Anakin sprung forward. "Grandpa! Stop it! Whatever they told you we did, we didn't do it!"

Vader tilted his head in a thoughtful looking was and released Jacen, who instantly sagged down to the floor, gasping for breath. "What didn't you guys do?" Vader asked.

Jaina gulped. "Well Grandpa it's kinda like this. We told Uncle Luke and Aunt Mara that when we escaped Kamino we were going to come and see you and Grandma Padme for blue milk and cookies. But somehow we lost Ben and he's still on Kamino in the hands of Thrawn, Bongo, Elton, Clay, the Brittney bots and a slew of cloned Gungans. Anyways, we're going to create the planet Chia and rescue Ben, but we need your help Grandpa."

"What do you need my help for sweetums?"

"We need to borrow the Death Star to destroy all the bad guys."

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Ben stared at the pink ceiling tiles, trying desperately to change the horrid color with the Force to something cool, brown. Or maybe purple. It didn?t really matter to him, as long as he didn?t have to stare at pink anymore. He was about to go crazy; the Punks still hadn?t arrived, and he was bored out of his mind, being the only being left in Thrawn?s base on Kamino. Thrawn and his evil minions had left two standard days earlier, headed for the planet Chia.

?Ninety-nine bottles of BE on the wall, ninety-nine bottles of BE...take one down and pass it around...ninety...uh...three bottles of BE on the wall,? he sung giddily. ?Ninety-three bottles of BE on the wall, ninety-three bottles of BE, take one down and pass it around...? He frowned, trying to remember what came next. Blast! If only he?d spent as much time learning to count as he did spitting out tunes on the guitar. Ben rubbed his aching head, and decided it was best not to think about what came next. It hurt too much.

?Hey, cuz, looks like you could use some good company,? a voice said from behind him. ?Whew...and a bath.? Ben jumped and whirled around.

?Jacen! It?s about time, I nearly died of sanity!? Ben cried.

?Never mind that, you?re okay now. Come quickly, though. We still have to drop our insta-clones off on the planet Chia. The concert starts in less than a standard day from now! Jaina parked the Spacer in the parking garage. Level 3887, E11. We?d better hurry,? Jacen told the young Skywalker.

Ben looked at the wall. Bloody Kessel! They were on level 2453. He glanced eagerly around for a turbolift and frowned. ?Jace, how did you get here? I don?t see a turbolift anywhere.?

Jacen grinned. ?That?s what the Force is for, my young boy. I may be a Punk, but don?t let my looks fool you.? He pulled a mirror out of his back pocket and stared lovingly into it. ?Yes, handsome you. You fool everyone, don?t you, you sugar daddy? But they don?t know how powerful you are, my little pet. Yes, your good looks will have you ruling the world soon, won?t they? Shh! We can?t let them know yet, can we? We must keep pretending.? Ben rolled his eyes as Jacen continued talking to his own reflection. ?I love you. No, I love you more. Oh, you?re so funny! Hehehe...no, you?re the handsome one. Me? Oh...don?t be silly. The girls all flock you...in fact, you??

?Okiday! That?s enough!? Ben shouted.

Jacen snapped out of his conversation with himself and looked strangely at his younger cousin. ?Um...did you just speak Gungan??

Ben paled. ?I think so.?

?We?d better get out of here before you grow long ears and become stupider than Bush.?


Jacen shrugged. ?Dunno, but it sounded good. Come on. We have a long climb ahead of us.?


On Chia...

Elton and Clay held hands, skipping gaily through the recently grown gardens of Chia. It certainly was a beautiful planet.

Bongo walked a short distance behind, shaking his head in wonder. This certainly was a beautiful planet.

The Brittany bots and Gungans followed Bongo. The Gungans tried desperately to skip so elegantly like Elton and Clay were, but none had enough coordination. The Brittany bots were deep in petty conversations with each other. All had their mind fixed on one thing, however. This certainly was a beautiful planet.

Thrawn walked at the back of the entourage, and stroked his newly acquired beard. Well, it was more like peach fuzz. The Chiss were not known for growing great beards. He had his mind fixed on one thing, however. And his eyes. Brittany certainly had a beautiful ass.

The party was thrown out of their meditative state by a high pitched voice. ?Welcome to Chia, home of the Chians! I will be your guide over the next few days. I will be most happy to show you the way to the Jedi Punk?s stage. The Galactic Inn resort and casino is only 42 trees away from the outdoor stage, offering the finest of restaurants for all species, transportation to the stage, and tours of its magnificent gardens. Now please follow?? The voice changed in pitch. ?Please insert 3 credits for the next hour.?

Thrawn whirled around and came face to face with a humanoid looking droid. Oddly, a droid seemed out of place on a planet filled with mother nature?s touch. This particular one was painted green, with huge adds for Galactic Inn plastered all over it?s casing. ?Blast! Every time...they?re out to get my credits! We?ve already been wandering these forests looking for the stage and an inn for hours. And now a droid decided to show up to help us...and he want?s my money!? He shook his head angrily, but pulled three credits out of his purse. They needed a guide, or they would miss the concert for sure!

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Rogue Spacer...

?Wow,? Tahiri breathed. ?Is that Chia? It?s beautiful.?

Lowie rumbled an agreement, commenting on the tall trees.

?Yea, too bad we have to blow it up,? Jacen joked.

?This is a fact,? Tenel Ka added.

Jaina stared out the cockpit wistfully. ?Do we really have to destroy it? There?s gotta be another way. Can?t we just...I dunno...rock them to death??

?Or we could just throw a cup of steaming hot caf on each of their faces!? Zekk suggested.

The others groaned. ?And what good could that possibly do us? Oh, we?ll scar them for life for sure!? Anakin mocked.

?Well...? Zekk looked at Anakin with an earnest expression plastered on his face. ?Have you ever gotten hit in the face with a cup of steaming hot caf??

?No,? Jacen said, ignoring his brother in law completely. ?We have to blow up the planet.? He turned to his sister and placed a hand on her shoulder. ?Remember that looks can be deceiving, Jae. The planet was grown in a month. What?s in front of you can easily be regenerated. Plus, the scientists haven?t put any sentinel life on the planet yet, so we don?t have to worry about killing anyone. It?s the perfect planet to turn into shards.?

Jaina sighed. ?I s?pose. Alright, let?s get this over with. Everyone remember the plan? We land briefly, just long enough to let our insta-clones off at the Galactic Inn. No one gets off the ship, is that clear?? The others nodded. ?Good. Ani, get the insta-clones from the hold and bring them to the ramp. We?ll be down in a few minutes.?


On Chia...

?Anakin?? Jaina asked.

?Check,? Anakin answered and sent his clone down the ramp of the ship.


?Check? Jacen?s clone followed Ani?s.

?Zekk? Lowie? Tenel Ka? Tahiri??

?Check.? ?Check.? ?Check.?

?Jaina? Erm, I mean me? Check.?

?Erm...cousin Jaina?? Ben eyes shifted around the room. ?Where?s my clone??

Jacen laughed. ?Your clone? Last I knew, you weren?t a part of the group, Ben.?

Ben looked hurt. ?Oh, I see.? He trudged out of the room.

Tenel Ka scowled. ?Jacen, my love, that wasn?t nice.?

Jacen grimaced. ?I didn?t mean to hurt him...I?ll make it up to him later. We have work to do now.?


?They?re here! They?re here!? Elton screamed at the top of his lungs, jumping around excitedly. Thrawn and his allies stood watching the Punks disembark from the their ship. Thrawn watched them with leave and smiled. Now the fun would begin.

He frowned. Now that was odd. Why did their ship leave right after takeoff? Wouldn?t they need it after the concert? Thrawn smiled. No, they wouldn?t need it after all, because he would have them by then. He cackled evilly and headed back to his inn room. There was much work to be done.

Still going...hopefully I'll fit it in one more post!

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?Welcome to the first ever but soon to be annual Chiastock, featuring the Jedi Punks!? an booming voice rang out over the crowd consisting of Thrawn, Elton, Clay, Bongo, and thousands of Brittany bots and Gungans.

Yet another odd thing, Thrawn noted silently. There are no other sentinels at the concert. Just my minions. Odd. It?s almost as if the Punks have set a trap...Thrawn shook his head. No, the Punks couldn?t outsmart him. This couldn?t be a trap.

The announcer waited until the Brittany bots had quieted their screaming and continued. ?And now, the moment you?ve all be waiting for!? Suddenly everything went black.

Oh no! Thrawn thought. It was the end of the world! The Punks had outsmarted him, and now he was going to die!

Then, as suddenly as the lights had gone out, bright lights flooded the stage, and under them stood the Jedi Punks. Thrawn breathed a sigh of relief. Theatrics.

?Yo, yo yo! Wazzup Chia?!? Are you ready to rock? I said, are you ready to rock?!?? The black haired boy in the middle screamed into the mic he was sharing with the girl with a full head of blue and purple braids. She looked slim but almost intimidating in her white tube top bearing the words ?True Punk? and a purple mini skirt. The guy was dressed in black elephant pants and a black shirt sporting the same words as the girl?s. Silver chains hung from him everywhere. Thrawn instantly recognized as Zekk. Beside him was Jaina Solo, the two lead singers of the Jedi Punks.

To the right of Jaina and Zekk, Thrawn recognized Anakin Solo, the group?s bassist, and Tahiri Veila, the keyboardist. The former wore his green hair spiked in all directions, and the latter wore her bleached hair straight, down almost to her butt. Both wore punked out clothing, their shirts bearing the words ?True Punk.?

To the left of Jaina and Zekk was Jacen Solo and Tenel Ka. Jacen wore his hair in the usual manner: spiked, now a bunch of random colors. In his hands he held his electic guitar. Tenel Ka was dressed in a form fiting flight suit, much like the ones thier good friend Alema Rar was usually caught wearing. She, like Anakin, also held a bass guitar. Both wore the traditional ?Jedi Punk? on their fronts.

Lastly, Thrawn identified Lowbacca, sitting at the drum set directly behind Jaina and Zekk. The wookie had recently shaved the words ?True Punk? across his hairy chest.

A loud boom echoed suddenly from the stage are. Thrawn?s eyes widened. Oh no! The world was exploding! He was going to die. Damn those Jedi brats...

Thrawn regained his composure and noted that the end of the world was not coming. The boom was just the Punks starting their first song.

Jaina stepped up to the microphone.

?Now here?s a little story that needs to be told

About a bunch of Punks, at a concert on Chia,

It?s free, not one ticket?s been sold,

And the beer was plenty, so wouldn?t wanna be ya

Cuz you weren?t there (weren?t there)

You missed their show (missed them)

No you weren?t there (weren?t there)

Now you?re a loser (loser!)

And you weren?t there

You weren?t there?

Zekk took over the microphone.

?The concert was the best they ever gave

Since you missed it, girls flock to the other guys,

This feeling of loneliness you?ll take to the grave

Cuz now you?re all gonna die!

Cuz you weren?t there (weren?t there)

You missed their show (missed them)

No you weren?t there (weren?t there)

Now you?re all gonna die! (Die!)

Yes, you?re all gonna die!

Blow up and die!?

Thrawn?s stomach began to churn. It was like the Punks were trying to tell him something...

As if on cue, the planet of Chia blew up, instantly killing Thrawn, Bongo, Elton, Clay, the Brittany bots (as well as the original,) the Gungans, the fake Jedi Punks band, the green painted robot, and anyone else failing to be mentioned who?s atoms now float in a cloud of Jello.


?Woot! We did it! They?re all dead!? Anakin cried gleefully. Lowie howled in affirmation. The other punks cheered and slapped each others? backs. All that remained in the space that Chia once occupied was a cloud of red Jello.

?Well, I guess we?d better return Grandpa?s Death Star,? Jaina commented.

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Aboard the Jade's Sabre closing on Kamino...

"Something's wrong.."

Luke checked the scanners. "Uh, everything's running smoothly, dear."

"No, idiot. Through the Force. Something doesn't feel right. Ben's presence is farther away."

"Oh." He closed his eyes and mind for a while. "Yes, I feel it too..." then he burst into a scream and fell to the floor into a fetal position.


"Soooo... cooold.... pain...."

"Luke what happened?"

"You didn't.. feel.. it...?"

"I felt the disturbance... what happened?"

"Millions of beautiful (and some annoying) lifeforms... gone... destroyed..."

"What? What's going on now.." Mara tuned her comm to pick up the HoloNet News. "Oh, by the worlds..." she breathed. "Some newly discovered planet was just blown up by the Death Star."

"What? Dad's better now. I redeemed him." Luke glanced at Mara. "Maybe mother forgot to give him his meds and he went on a rampage?"

Mara arched a brow.

"No.. maybe not... Wait, what was the name of that planet?"


"Chia...hmm.. something's not right here. Can you take us to where that planet formally used to rest in space?"

Mara nodded, realizing what he was thinking.

Luke continued to ponder, curled up on the floor.


The piece of space formally known as the planet Chia...

Millions of asteroids that had previously been orbiting a small star flew around in the chaos of space in the middle of some red JELL-O like jelly, banging into one another and splitting apart, creating a large and dangerous asteroid field.

A few klicks away the Death Star was just hanging out apparently, enjoying the view.

"Not a bad job of heroness.. if I don't say so myself..." remarked Jacen.

"You? It was my idea!" dissented Anakin.

"No, no.. it was my idea!" yelled Jaina.

Soon after, all the Punks were arguing in the Death Star's galley about whose idea it was to vanquish Thrawn and his clones and Bongo and his entourage by using a fake planet and punk band. It was going nowhere fast.

Ben sighed and left the galley. My cousins always say that they love me and want to include me.. but then they always forget me later. I'm not even included in their band any more... even after they told me I could. He sulked along, shuffling his feet. I just wanna go home...



Meanwhile, Keith Richards was looking around various storage rooms on Kamino to see if he could find some more weapons or something in order to destroy that Mace Windu Mauve dude. He really didn't want to waste his last atomic machine gun bomb on that loser.

"Aha!" Keith cackled with glee as he found the perfect rifle. He ran back to join the fray.

But there was no fray. There was ...nothing. Nothing except a dead and half-eaten Mace Windu with Gungan tongue marks all over him. Keith grimaced. He soon got over it and went looking for Bongo and the gang, and that strange Thrawn fellow.

He found the space where Thrawn's ship was empty. "They must have left...." Keith shrugged and found a 'life to take him down to the Goshfactor. He wasn't much for superiors but he found that he was oddly lonely without that loser Bongo with him.

Later while warming up the Goshfactor, Keith watched some news. Something unusual caught his eye. Some strange images were flashed upon holoscreen.

A green planet with a bright pink Star Destroyer in the foreground.

A closer image of the planet.

A huge crowd of Britney Spears's and Gungans screaming at the top of their lungs at a punk rock concert.

Another aerial shot of the planet.

A shot of two men skipping through a meadow.

Back to the space shot.

Then the last one, a big explosion then static as the holocam blew.

Keith stoared in shock at the repeating images. They were dead. All of them. A single tear dropped down his cheek. "Poor Bongo.." He didn't care that that blue dude and his army were dead. Bongo was... was his friend. Angry, Keith stalked back out of the ship and back into Kamino.

He had a plan...


The Millenium Falcon, orbiting Kamino....

"Well I don't see any other ships resting here except the little beat-up freighter." Answered Han. "I don't think Ben is here any more."

"Yoda told us to come rescue him and he wouldn't do so unless he knew Ben was in trouble."

Han shrugged.

"Perhaps we could check in with our kids?"

"Good idea."

Han opened a comm transmission to the Rogue Spacer. He left a brief message. "No answer.." They must be on-planet somewhere.

"Hmm.." mused Leia.


Aboard the Goshfactor...

Keith put in coordinates to the location of the dead planet. He just needed to find out if Bongo survived. If not, well, he could go ahead with Operation Napongo. He grinned as the ship entered hyperspace.

A few hours later he went aft into the hold to see how his cargo was holding up.

"Hey Napongo, how's it going? Hungry?"

"Oh, yes! Tater tots please!"

Keith smiled and took a platter of tots from behind his back. "Here you go."

"Oh thank you Mr Keith!" Napongo began to eat his tots. Keith smiled again, a little evilily.


Aboard the Jade's Sabre....

"Well.. I don't see anything unusual... wait, over there."

"I see it," agreed Mara.

"Well, there's the 'Star.. but where is everyone else?"



"Use the Force, Luke, you idiot. They're on board. But I sense a small disturbance. They're ...arguing.."

"Oh, right." Luke tuned into the Force. By now he had gotten back up and sat in the copilot's chair. "Yes, I agree. But I don't sense Ben in that mess."

"No, me either... but he's close.."

Luke glanced at Mara. "I think we should pay them a visit."

Mara smiled tightly. "I agree." She took her ship in an arc towards the Death Star and into a landing bay.

Edited by Mara

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"Emperor's black bones!" Mara exclaimed as the Death Star jumped to hyperspace. "Now what are we supposed to do Luke? Ben is on that ship."

Luke reached out with the Force and searched for his son and then smiled. "He's ok Mara. He needs to get used to not always getting his way. You coddle him too much and make sure that he has whatever he wants. Now that he's with his cousin's, he's seeing how the real galaxy is. It'll make him a better person. Besides, we really should get back to Coruscant and check on Yoda. Leia said that the last time that they talked to him, Allie and Allie had him dressed in a dress. Han was worried because Yoda looked like he was enjoying it. You know that I can't leave the fate of the Jedi order in the hands of a senile old creature that likes to wear women's underwear."

Mara rolled her eyes and decided not to remind Luke of the time that he went around wearing a metal bikini and then turned the Jedi order into a nudist colony. Some things were just too scarring to keep bringing them back up. Instead she grinned at her husband and laid in a jump to Coruscant. "You're right Luke. Besides, if they're done with the Death Star, they had better take it back to your mother and father, or this time I will kill them."


On the Death Star...

The Punks were celebrating their victory over Thrawn, Bongo, Clay, Elton, the Brittany Bots and the cloned Gungans. BE and WD40 was being passed around and everyone was getting wonderfully drunker than they had ever been before. Soon they were passed out and Em Teedee was left with the task of navigating the jump to Naboo, which, being the obnoxious little droid that he was, he managed to do perfectly and decided to rub it in the Punk's face whenever they came to. That is, if Vader didn't kill them for what they did to the Death Star, or the Punk Star as it was now called.

Ben was hiding in the detention level hoping that his Grandfather wouldn't kill him too when he was what the rest of the Punks did to the Punk Star. Instead of it's matte black finish, it was now neon pink and had the words "Punk Star" spraypainted on the side in neon orange. All the hallways were kneedeep with BE bottle and cans of WD40 and there were some strange rustlings coming from the BE preparation room. Ben shuddered when he thought about the huge blender in there and the Ewoks that were waiting to be blended. He decided that waiting in the detention cell where Uncle Han and Dad had saved Aunt Leia wasn't the best idea and he decided to go up to the bridge and watch hyperspace fly by. He loved watching the stars during space travel, it just seemed so majestic. So Ben waded through all the empty cans and bottles that were up to the middle of his chest and sat on the bridge, watching eagerly for the sight of Naboo. Unfortunately, Em Teedee was still on the bridge and was being his obnoxious self. Fortunately Naboo soon appeared. Ben gulped when he saw a lambda class shuttle heading towards the docking bay and he hesitantly opened up a comm channel. "Granpa? Is that you? I didn't do this to your Death Star. The others did. I told them that you'd be mad, but they didn't listen to me. They never do. I want some of Grandma's cookies!"

Vader growled. "Your cousins have ruined my Death Star. They'll pay for this, but don't worry, Padme has some cookies waiting for you Ben, just meet me in the docking bay and I'll take you down to have some cookies once I punish your cousins."

"You're not going to kill them, are you grandpa?"

"Oh no Ben. I have an even worse punishment planned for what they did to my Death Star. They'll never be the same again."


A few hours later...

Ben sat in Padme and Vader's kitchen and was happily eating some of Padme's chocolate chip cookies and was watchign a holo of the Punks carrying out their punishment. Ben shuddered. He sure was glad that he wasn't the one that was being forced to scrub the Death Star, inside and out, with his toothbrush. That was just nasty.

Jaina grumbled. Whose idea was it to get drunk on the Death Star? Grandpa had confiscated Rogue Spacer and told them that they could have it back when the Death Star was clean. And that it had better be clean before their Naboo concert that night. It hadn't taken very long to clean up the evidence of the party inside the Death Star, however the outside was a different story. The pink and orange paint did not want to come off, no matter what they did. Finally, Lowie got the idea that they should just repaint the entire thing because that would be faster than scrubbing the pink and orange paint off. Everyone agreed, so Jacen and Zekk hotwired a shuttle and went to the nearest Galactic Paint shop and got 100,000 gallons of matte black death star paint. Good thing that they had a concert coming up soon to pay for all this. Plus they were getting ready to release a new CD with the song that they'd just wrote today, "I've got the Death Star Blues." They'd be living large again in no time.

Not done yet, will finish tomorrow

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I post when she's done! Great plot idea here =)

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Keith and Napongo were on course to Naboo. Keith was smiling evily as he plotted his evil plot to kill the Jedi Punks and avenge the deaths of his Master and colleagues. It was foolproof.

Napongo walked up to Keith. "Got any tots dude? I'm totally hungry."

Keith glared at Napongo. "I'm trying to land this kriffing ship here. I've got to kill the Jedi Punks and then you can have your silly tater tots."

Something inside of Napongo snapped. He wasn't sure if it was the mention of killing the Jedi Punks or the fact that he couldn't have any of his precious tots, but he was consumed with one thought and one thought only. Kill Keith. Napongo snarled as Keith landed the ship. As soon as Keith undid his crash webbing, Napongo was jumping him. "You cannot kill the Jedi Punks! That would be bad! The galaxy needs them and you are a bad man Keith Richards! You must die so that the Punks may live!"

Keith stuttered and gasped for air. It couldn't be happening. This geek couldn't kill him. He was the famous Keith Richards and no harm could come to him. He was sure of it. He struck a superstar pose and knocked Napongo off of him. Unfortunately for Keith, Napongo landed on the button on the console that read "Tots." Keith screamed as 10 tons of tater tots landed on him and smothered him. What a way to go, came his last thought, smothered by 10 tons of tater tots.

Napongo leaped up with glee when he saw the mountain of 10 tons of tater tots that covered Keith. He could finish off all of those tater tots with plenty of time to catch the Punks in concert if he started eating now.

And so Napongo ate.

And ate...

And ate...

He was getting full but that didn't stop him, for he was addicted to those tots.

So he ate some more and his stomach started getting bigger..

And bigger...

And bigger...

It was almost ready to explode.

But there were so many tots left.

Napongo grabbed one more tot and ate it.

It was just too much.

Napongo exploded. In a freakish twist of fate, the blood spatter and innards splashed out the words "True Punk" over the inside of the Gosh Factor.

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Space formally holding the planet Chia...

The now empty Goshfactor orbited around where the planet Chia would have been, having been stuck on autopilot. Every so often, a JELL-O asteroid would strike it, jiggling off the shields. Aimlessly it wandered in a circle through space, waiting.


Aboard the Jade's Sabre...

Luke sat up in the cockpit, watching the bluish lines of hyperspace whiz by as he thought about the recent events. He and Mara were headed back to Coruscant to get a couple days of relaxation before the Punks and Ben visited his parents who would hopefully send the Punks packing to the spice mines of Kessel and then bring Ben back to him. Well, he could always hope.

The ship chimed, reminding that realspace was coming up. Luke was puzzled; the trip to Coruscant should have taken much longer. He commed Mara. "You better come up here...."

A few moments later she entered the cockpit. "This better be good because you just woke me from --- what in all the galaxy is that?"

Luke shrugged, as he looked at the planet looming in front of them. It was obviously not Coruscant.

"Did you lay in the right jump..?"


"Shh.. calm down. Maybe the hyperdrive malfunctioned..."

Mara stalked off to go check out the 'drive. Luke continued to puzzle over which planet was ahead of them and opened up the navicomputer.


Death Star landing bay, Naboo...

The Punks were singing their latest single while still finishing up the new paint job on the Death Star.

"I hate black.. why does eveything have to be black?" grumbled Tahiri.

"Grandpa loves black," answered Anakin.

"So? I think it'd look better... purple. Like a monstrous wishi fruit!" exclaimed Tahiri.

Jacen raised an eyebrow. "I don't think she's completely sobered up yet..."

Tahiri grinned and ran off, coming back shortly with a huge vat of purple paint, held up by the Force, of course.

"Now, Tahiri..." chorused the rest. "Don't do anything stupid... or something we'll regret letting you into the band for..."

Tahiri could only grin maniacally.


Elsewhere on Naboo...

Ben was stuffed with cookies. He decided to take a break from eating and wander the palace grounds. Grandpa and Grandma were sleeping anyway. Six o'clock was past their bedtime.

Somewhere in an unused portion of the palace, Ben found a secret passage. "I wonder where this leads..."

A couple klicks of walking later, Ben was no closer to figuring that out. "How long can one tunnel be?" He sighed.


Jade's Sabre, unknown planetoid...

"It's not on any of the known charts, Mara..."

"Blast! ... Sorry... "

Luke wandered aft to see if he could lend a hand. Or some patience. "What's wrong?"

"Well.. I don't want to say this, but it looks like that kriffin' Thrawn messed with my ship... probably while we were on Kamino looking for Ben." She sighed and tossed a welder. (He squeaked when he hit a bulkhead). Mara winced before going on. "Kriff it all.. I knew something like this would happen... I'm beginning to lose my touch.."

"No, honey..." Luke said, moving to embrace her. "Of course you're not.. Let's just get this whole thing over with.. Get Ben and go away for a while, just the three of us... and relax. No Jedi business, no Senate business...nothing."

Mara nodded.


Secret passage on Naboo...

"By the stars," Ben breathed out. He had finally reached a door at the end of the tunnel and opened it. Before him was a large room filled with none other then thousands of little stormtrooper action figures. His curiosity piqued, Ben walked forward and picked one, a commander, up. Popping off the helmet of the 'trooper, Ben gasped, dropping the toy.

"I need to contact dad... no, mom, ...no, dad.. he'd take it better........"

The little trooper fell down to the permacrete, one floppy plastic Gungan ear having snapped off and rolled down near the little helmet.

Edited by Mara

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Secret passage on Naboo...

Ben was sobbing over the fact that his grandpa had little mini Gungan stormtroopers that looked like the ones that that Thrawn clone guy had following him. He couldn't believe that his nice, innocent, old grandfather could ever be capable of doing something like that. Well, at least the new grandfather. He changed. Dad told him so. He continued to sob, when he heard a clicking sound off on the other end of the underground hanger area. He wiped his tears angrily away and looked towards the sound. Glancing around, he hid in a corner behind some boxes. He blinked. The boxes were labeled "GUNGAN FOOD: THIS SIDE UP" in large black Basic lettering.


Jade's Sabre, unknown planetoid...

After having decided to just get Ben and go on vacation, Mara and Luke were trying to figure out which planet they happened to be orbiting.

"I don't get it... by this time the New Republic should have discovered all the planets... at least all the habitable ones... " He looked at Mara coming to this realization.

"No.....no, Luke.."

"Come on.. I think we should. What if we've discovered another planet? Another race of people?"

At Mara's look, he went on hurriedly. "Or maybe it's a tropical paradise we could have all to ourselves and not tell any one?"

At this, Mara went into thought. Then, "Well, I suppose a look wouldn't hurt. Copy down the coordinates and quadruple encrypt them. We don't want any one stealing our uninhabited planet."

"Yes, ma'am." Luke winked.

Mara glared. "Skywalker.."


Former Chian space...

The Goshfactor slowly orbited the mass of area where the planet Chia had rested. Set on autopilot, it didn't realize the mass it was orbiting didn't exist and so it slowly ran in circles, getting ever smaller....


Naboo, secret underground hangar...

Having seen the boxes, Ben huddled in the corner as far back as possible, looking for something to breath in so he didn't hyperventilate. "I just wanna go home.." he murmured. "Why did I ever go with my cousins? They didn't really want me... they always forgot about me.. Even my parents did. Everyone's forgotten me... I'm not important... " he sighed. "At least that Thrawn guy seemed to want to talk to me... even Mace Windu, keeper of the mauve saber....." Ben hugged his knees, having decided not to investigate that continuous ringing sound that seemed to be getting closer and louder. "Maybe I'm having a nervous breakdown," he sobbed. "Mommy...." he repeated to himself, succumbing to all sorts of fears and lonliness.

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Ben cowered in fright beneath a gray tarp, behind a box of Gungan food. He shook with fear, and his heart raced in his chest. The footsteps kept coming closer, closer...

And then they stopped. Ben sighed with relief.

And then the tarp was ripped violently off of him.

"Ahhhhhhh!" Ben screamed in fear, curling up into the fetal position. He wanted his Dad. No he wanted his Mom...she'd turn the Gungans into chowder for sure. But when Ben looked up, it wasn't what he expected at all.

"Ben? Ben Skywalker?" The woman standing above him asked curiously. Her lightsaber sent an eerie glow around the room, highlighting her face.

"Jysella?!" Ben asked, getting to his feet. "Dad said you were sick. I thought you were in a hospital on Corellia."

"I'm better now." Jysella frowned. "So is Valin. Ben what are you doing here?"

"I came for Grandma Padme's cookies."

"You shouldn't be here." Jysella retracted her lightsaber, attaching it to her belt. "Come on, I'm going to take you home."

And then they started to walk the tunnels back towards Naboo. They made small talk while they travelled. Jysella talked about her brother Valin, who was on Coruscant to have an audience with Master Yoda. Ben spole of his time following his cousins, his heroes, who promised him a spot on the band...but kept forgetting about him.

"I know how you feel." Jysella told him with a frown. "Valin and I went through the same thing, but you don't have to."

"What do you mean?" Ben said, taken aback. The last 3 people who made comments like that had one thing on their mind: getting rid of the Jedi Punks. He might have been mad at his cousins, but he would never hurt them.

Jysella sensed his discomfort. "What i mean is you have another option. Valin and I are starting up a band, and we're looking for people with talent...."


Valin wasn't having the same luck on Coruscant.

Jedi Master Yoda was not the same Jedi Master he used to be. Or should he say, Mrs Pennypoof. Valin had seen some strange things (like his mother being forced to believe she was Tara, Mara's sister), been on some strange substances (some of which made him dream of dancing ewoks)---but this was by far one of the most horrifying thing he had ever seen. After all, Yoda looked weird enough without a red wig and flowery dress.

"Master." Valin stopped at the evil glance Yoda gave him. "I mean, Mrs Pennypoof. I was wondering if i could speak to Alicia and Alison."

"Did this to me they did. But gone they now are."

"They're gone?! Where did they go?"

"Worry you should not, young Jedi Horn." Yoda tapped his cane on the floor. "Safer Coruscant is, if gone they are."

"How long have they been gone?"

"One hour i think this is. Free of them I am at last."

"If i were a Solo, and I was running away...where would I go?" Valin ran a hand through his brown hair in thought. A moment later he broke out in a run for the spaceport. These girls better be worth the trouble...

Edited by Her Roguelyness

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Unknown planetoid...

Having just landed the Sabre in an empty prairie, Mara and Luke were exploring around the general area, trying to figure out if there was any sentient life on the planet.

"This place feels so strange.." stated Luke.

"I know..." Mara answered. "The Force... it's so dull here. All I feel are the trees and other plant life here."

Luke nodded in agreement. He pointed to a small rise a couple klicks away. "Let's go up there and see what we can find."

"All right.."

They packed up some ration bars and some other necessities and started their trek across the windswept but seemingly barren prairie.


Naboo, secret hanger...

Upon hearing Jysella's explanation, Ben was still a bit wary. "Well, I dunno.. I don't think my mom and dad would like that too much. They didn't want me in my cousin's band. Bad influences, they said."

"Don't worry about it. My dad and your dad go way back. They're pals. And I'm sure Master Luke trusts us a lot more than those Solo kids."

"True..." Ben's face lit up a bit. "But I should still contact mom and ask her.."

Jysella smiled. "Go ahead. We're waiting to group together other members any way. Let's go find a comm station."

Smiling, Ben started to follow Jysella out of the hangar. Then he stopped.

"What is it, Ben?"

"What about all this.. stuff here? I need to find out if grandpa's evil again.."

"Shh.. let your parents deal with that."

"Okay..." they began walking again. Then once again, Ben stopped.

Jysella turned. "Ben... you can't keep stopping, we need to get in touch with Valin and see if he got the twins."

Ben wouldn't be persuaded. He was strong in the Force. When he wanted to be. "Jysella.. how'd you get here?"

"On a ship, of course."

"No, I mean... how, in this hangar? Underground? How did you know where to find me?" Ben tried to keep the fear out of his voice. This can't be happening again...

She was taken aback. "Well, uh... " she searched for something to say.

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Ben swallowed. "So what's in it for me if I join your band? I mean I don't work for free or anything like that."

Jysella paused. "Well first off, you'll be famous for reasons other than being the only brat of Luke and Mara Jade Skywalker."

"Say no more, I'm in. But still how did you find me here"

"Through the Force silly. You have a very strong presence in it."

"Oh yeah," Ben shrugged and then started heading up the tunnel to the landing bay. "So who else is in this band. And what's it called?"

Jysella explained as they walked. "Well it's me, you, Valin and a Rodian. We're gonna be called 3 Jedi and a Rodian and I'll tell you what, that Rodian plays a mean triangle. We're basically an acapella group, except for the triangle. This Rodian is a mute due to getting his tongue ripped out for insulting a Wookiee, he's lucky that that's all that the Rodian got though. He coulda been killed or something, but he's learned to communicate using a triangle. It's quite cute actually."

Ben nodded. What have I got myself into?

At Theed Stadium...

The Punks were busy setting up for sound check and the concert later that night. The instruments that they were setting up weren't their usual instruments though. Jacen was pulling out a trombone, Jaina a piano, Zekk a harmonica, Tenel Ka and Tahiri were warming up to sing, Anakin was sitting at the drums and Lowie had something that strangly resembled a Rodian's tongue remade into a bagpipe. Jaina, dressed for once in a loose black flightsuit with some subdued silver streaks running through it, sat at the piano and ran through some scales to warm up. "Hey guys, who's our opening act tonight?"

Tenel Ka checked a clipboard nearby. "It's a group that's calling themselves 3 Jedi and a Rodian."

Lowie grumbled a question.

"No Lowie," Anakin replied, "I highly doubt that it's the same Rodian who's tongue that you made that bagpipe out of. Even he couldn't be stupid enough to come near you again after you ripped out his tongue after he insulted your family."

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All of Theed was gathered to see the concert, which was being held in Theed Palace. The crowd gathered were all far from the usual guests at the palace, the politicians. No, this crowd was totally different. Ten thousand people between the ages of 16 and 25 were crammed into the comparatively small space. As Padme looked out at the audience, at these kids dressed in black and neon colors, with their hair done to match...she wondered what had happened to the good old days. The days of real music, and luxurious clothing. She supported her grandchildren 100%. They were using their fame and talent to send messages all across the galaxy, political, emotional...wasn't that what their new album Corellian Idiot was all about?

Yeah, she could take solace in that.

She took the stage with her husband, and took the mic. "Ladies and Gentlemen," Padme started, only to be drowned out by the crowd. She tried again, to no success. Finally Vader took the mic "SILENCE OR I WILL SILENCE YOU!"

The noise died out immediatly. "Thank you." Padme said. "I know you're all anxious to see the Jedi Punks, but while they're setting up, we'd like to introduce you to Three Jedi and a Rodian!"

The crowd cheered. Two punk bands for the price of one? Who could beat that?

Four spotlights went on the stage, highlighting the four members of the band. Each of them sitting on a tall stool. "Hey everybody! I'm Jysella!"

"I'm Valin!"

"And uh...i'm Ben"

The green skinned alien beside him lifted up his triangle proudly.

"And this is our Rodian!" Jysella exclaimed. "Together we're Three Jedi and a Rodian!"

With our powers combined, i'm Captain Planet! Ben thought sarcastically. In the words of his favorite cartoon, Good grief!

The crowd started mumbling. What in Naboo's one hell were these guys? Somebody in the front row started to boo.


"Sithspit, that's Valin and Jysella." Tahiri said. "Wonder when they got out of rehab."

"is that Ben out there?" Anakin asked, confused.

"I believe this is so." Tenel Ka confirmed. "He is a red-headed boy of Ben's approximate weight and height."

"But...Ben's one of us, why would he...?"

"It doesn't matter." Jaina frowned. "He did...and oh man, they're horrible..."

Edited by Her Roguelyness

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