The Joke Thread Strikes Back

[Ana 15]

My Mac is usually well-behaved too. It's very obedient and does what I want it to.

[Radioactive Isotope 29]

:lol:

that was funny

[Ender 8]

heheheh

[Andy 60]

A little joke my mum told me yesterday.

Q. What did one snowman say to the other snowman?

A. "Can you smell carrots?"

Hehe

[chozen 1]

hehe.. ask her if she heard it from eastenders revealed.. I'm sure I heard it there.

[Andy 60]

I think she said she heard it on the radio.

[Drake 53]

This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: We're a lighthouse. Your call.

:D

[Princess 35]

I've seen that before. Gotta love the US Military

[chozen 1]

:lol:

and it's true.. :rofl:

[Andy 60]

My grandad has a good one about the US Navy meeting the Royal Navy in Scotland, most likely in the River Clyde at Glasgow. It was also by morse code flashlighty things and probably isn't word-for-word, but is apparently true.

US Navy: Greetings, from the biggest navy in the world!

Royal Navy: Welcome, from the best navy in the world!

:D

[Eldar Galadhon 0]

A man wants to buy a horse & sees an ad in the newspaper. The ad was placed by the local priest. When the man goes to the church, he sees the preist with the horse. The man asks about it.

"Well," said the priest, "he'll only move if you say Praise The Lord!"

"That's okay." The man replied.

"He'll only stop when you shout Amen!" Said the priest.

"That's okay too. I'll take him." The man replied.

The man pays for the horse & gets on him.

"Praise the Lord!" The man shouts.

The horse takes off running. The horse is running for a while when the man notices a cliff ahead.

"Stop!, Woah!, Heel!, Sit!, Roll Over!, Play dead!" The man yells trying to make the horse stop. Finnally the man remembers what the priest told him.

"Amen!" the man screams. The horse stops just inches from the edge of the cliff.

The man wipes his forehead and says, "Praise the Lord!"

[Ender 8]

On a tour of Texas, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the

Coast for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the beach in the

pope-mobile when there was a frantic commotion just off shore. A

helpless man, wearing a red and gold Iowa St. Cyclones jersey, was

struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25-foot

shark.

As the pope watched, horrified, a speedboat came racing up with

three men wearing Iowa Hawkeye jerseys. One quickly fired a harpoon

into the sharks' side. The other two reached out and pulled the

bleeding, semiconscious Cyclone from the water. Then using long

clubs, the three beat the shark to death and hauled it in to the

boat also.

Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to the beach..

"I give you my blessing for your brave actions,"

he told them. "I heard that there was some bitter hatred between

Iowa and Iowa St. fans, but now I have seen with my own eyes that

this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, the harpooner asked his buddies "Who was

that?" "It was the Pope," one replied. "He is in direct contact with

God and has access to all of God's wisdom."

"Well," the harpooner said, "he may have access to God's wisdom, but

he doesn't know a thing about shark fishing. Is the bait holding up O.K., or

do we need to get another one?"

[Bad furday 57]

*cackles*

Hmmm...I wonder how Sticks is managing out there on the barren plains of Iowa? ;)

[Eldar Galadhon 0]

Okay a guy....

Oh wait. Can't tell that one.

Here:

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One turns to the other & says, "Does this taste funny to you?"

Ok, I'm a Christian & my pastor told us this in church one day. It seems to upset some people so, you've been warned!

I used to think GOD put man here for a reason. Now I think he just needed someone to mow the grass.

[Andy 60]

:lol:

Here's one my grandad loves, and is rarely told by non-Scots:

When God created the world he was showing the Archangel Gabriel around it. "And this, my friend," he said, "is the end of our tour. I created this land last, and poured all of my heart into it. This is Scotland".

He showed Gabriel all the rolling hillsides, fields of heather, babbling brooks, mighty rivers, great mountains, and beautiful views and landscape.

"This is truely amazing!" Gabriel said astonished at the beauty of the land. "The people who live here are going to forever grateful to you for giving them the best yuo have to offer."

"No," God said, "they haven't seen who their neighbours are yet!"

( Their neighbours being the English, if you didn't catch that one, lol )

[chozen 1]

:lol:

That's a good one.

[Ender 8]

:lol: Nice.

WARNING: Heavy opinionated stuff to follow. All Democrats, read with caution.

If I offend any of your political sensibilities... and I know I will... good!

Anyone can be a Democrat simply by not thinking and voting that way.

But if you want to be a GOOD Democrat, there are some core myths you must believe:

1. You have to believe the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of Federal funding.

2. You have to believe that the same teacher who can't teach 4th

graders how to read is somehow qualified to teach those same kids

about sex.

3. You have to believe that guns, in the hands of law-abiding

Americans, are more of a threat than U.S. nuclear weapons technology

in the hands of Chinese communists.

4. You have to believe that there was no art before Federal funding.

5. You have to believe that global temperatures are less affected by

cyclical, documented changes in the earth's climate, and more affected by yuppies driving SUVs.

6. You have to believe that gender roles are artificial, but being homosexual is natural.

7. You have to be against capital punishment, but support abortion on demand.

8. You have to believe that businesses create oppression and governments create prosperity.

9. You have to believe that hunters don't care about nature, but loony activists from Hollywood do.

10. You have to believe that self-esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it.

11. You have to believe the NRA is bad, because it supports certain parts of the constitution, while the ACLU is good, because it supports certain parts of the Constitution.

12. You have to believe that taxes are too low, but ATM fees are too high.

13. You have to believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas and set-asides aren't.

14. You have to believe that the only reason socialism hasn't worked anywhere it's been tried is because the right people haven't been in charge.

15. You have to believe conservatives telling the truth belong in jail, but a liar and sex offender belongs in the White House (from '93 through 2000)!

16. You have to believe that homosexual parades should be constitutionally protected, and manger scenes at Christmas should be illegal.

17. You have to believe that illegal Democratic Party funding by the Communist Chinese is somehow in the best interest of the United States.

Vote Democratic ... It's easier than thinking!

[chozen 1]

......

Screw it.. There's no point.. Let people think whatever crap they want to believe..

[Bad furday 57]

:rofl:

[Radioactive Isotope 29]

*cackle*

[Sticks 1]

On a tour of Texas, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the

Coast for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the beach in the

pope-mobile when there was a frantic commotion just off shore. A

helpless man, wearing a red and gold Iowa St. Cyclones jersey, was

struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25-foot

shark.

As the pope watched, horrified, a speedboat came racing up with

three men wearing Iowa Hawkeye jerseys. One quickly fired a harpoon

into the sharks' side. The other two reached out and pulled the

bleeding, semiconscious Cyclone from the water. Then using long

clubs, the three beat the shark to death and hauled it in to the

boat also.

Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to the beach..

"I give you my blessing for your brave actions,"

he told them. "I heard that there was some bitter hatred between

Iowa and Iowa St. fans, but now I have seen with my own eyes that

this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, the harpooner asked his buddies "Who was

that?" "It was the Pope," one replied. "He is in direct contact with

God and has access to all of God's wisdom."

"Well," the harpooner said, "he may have access to God's wisdom, but

he doesn't know a thing about shark fishing. Is the bait holding up O.K., or

do we need to get another one?"

*gasps* blasphemy!!! Poor old guy, it should be the reverse!!! Hawkeyes for bait...*shakes head* the thought...somebody change that at once!!!

Hehe...go Iowa State...I'm planning on going there to college...always did like it better than UofI...

[Drake 53]

*resurrects thread*

Ever since the US troops have moved out of Afghanistan and onto Iraq, the Canadian forces have taken over the responsibility of cleaning up the mess.

One day, at one of the hidden cave bases of the terrorists, a deeply accented Canadian voice came over the ridge. "Hey! Hey you in there! You terrorists are so bad that one Canadian can take on ten of you and win!"

So, after some discussion, the terrorist leaders gathered ten of their best fighters and sent them over the ridge. After several minutes of fighting and gunshots and cries of battle, everything became quiet. Until....

"Hey you guys in there! You terrorists are so crappy that one Canadian can take on one hundred of you and win!"

Getting angrier now, the terrorist leaders sent out one hundred of their best fighters. After several more minutes of fighting, there was silence. Until finally...

"Hey you terrorists! You guys are so terrible that one Canadian can take on one thousand of you wimps and win!"

Now thoroughly pissed off, the terrorist leaders sent out one thousand of their remaining fighters. After several long minutes of fighting with the sounds of screaming and shooting and explosions passing over the ridge, into the cave...everything is silent. At last, a badly wounded terrorist survivor drags himself over the ridge.

"Don't send any more men out there." he said "It's a trap.........there are two of them!"

:p

[GI_Admiral 2]

hahahahahahaha

[Drake 53]

Did I mention that it's a true story? ;)

[Radioactive Isotope 29]

har har. my side...... :p