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Andy

The Joke Thread Strikes Back

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Andy

Yet again the Joke Thread returns... Let's try and actually KEEP this one...

Rules:

1. Keep it clean

2. I know what you are all like... Refer to rule 1.

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Andy

Milking the Cash Cows

How different corporations might view two cows in a field...

Traditional Corporation

You have two cows. You selll one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

American Corporation

You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the remaining cow drops dead.

Russian Corporation

You have two cows. You count them and discover you have five cows. You count again and find you have 42. You count another time and realise you have 12. You stop counting and open another bottle of vodka.

French Corporation

You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

Japanese Corporation

You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size and produce 20 times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them worldwide.

German Corporation

You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years and milk themselves.

British Corporation

You have two cows. Unfortunatly they are both mad.

Chinese Corporation

You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

The Enron Corporation

You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred to a Cayman Island company, who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report shows that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new US president, leaving nine cows. The public buys your bull.

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Andy

Hehe... My sister showed me this out of one of her magazines...

Dynamite vs Eminem
Explosive

Shocks people

Not suitable for kids

Short fuse

Stuffed with illegal chemicals

Goes out with a bang

Responsible for the downfall of buildings

Explosive

Shocks people

Not suitable for kids

Short fuse

Possible stuffed with illegal chemicals

Goes out with a bang

Responsible for the downfall of society

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Radioactive Isotope

:lol:

true

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chozen

Beeurd you missed...

Really annoys peoples ear drums

:p

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Andy

That wasn't very nice, Ender...

*gives him a medal* :D

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chozen

Hehehe... All that gel gave him an extra flamyness. :D

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General Dk Blu

Signs You've Overdosed On Coffee:

* You answer the door before people knock.

* Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.

* You ski uphill.

* You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

* You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.

* You lick your coffeepot clean.

* You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there.

* Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.

* You chew on other people's fingernails.

* Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's blend."

* You can type sixty words per minute ... with your feet.

* You can jump-start your car without cables.

* Cocaine is a downer.

* All your kids are named "Joe".

* You don't need a hammer to pound nails.

* Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."

* You don't sweat, you percolate.

* You buy 1/2 & 1/2 by the barrel.

* You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.

* You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.

* You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.

* You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.

* Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.

* You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirs.

* People get dizzy just watching you.

* You've worn the finish off your coffee table.

* The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.

* Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.

* Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.

* Instant coffee takes too long.

* When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."

* You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.

* Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.

* You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.

* You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.

* You can thread a sewing machine, while it's running.

* You can outlast the Energizer bunny.

* You short out motion detectors.

* You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.

* Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.

* You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.

* You don't tan, you roast.

* You can't even remember your second cup.

* You help your dog chase its tail.

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Andy

Here's another one:

* You are Beeurd. :D

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chozen

Poor, poor, poor, poor, caffiene... I'm mean coffee addicts.. :(

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General Dk Blu

Haha!

(I've shorted out a motion detector before... that's how I got it :roll: )

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Bad furday

:rof:

Dk...a bit excitable eh? :p :lol:

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General Dk Blu

:lol:

You could say that.... or as my aunt put it... too damn hyper

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Bad furday

heh...*goes to get the duct tape*

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Bad furday

I thought it was quite funny! :D :lol:

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Radioactive Isotope

eh. i thought it was rather stupid.

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Andy

Wyld posted it a JPL, so I has to pinch it and plonk it here :D

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European nation rather than German which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with the "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

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Bad furday

*laughs* 'Tis funny! :D:lol:

*snickers* But my Mac doesn't give me trouble......it's well behaved. :p

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