Lines and Quotes

[Ender 8]

?Aggressive fighting for the right is the greatest sport in the world.?

- Theodore Roosevelt

[Ender 8]

"Mercy is for the victors to deny the vanquished."

~Staff Sergeant Joseph McFarland, 75th Ranger Regiment, Vietnam (Ret.)

[Roethlisberger 0]

Royal: I'm very sorry about your loss.  Your mother was a terribly attractive woman

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The Cheese Shop by Monty Python

(a customer walks in the door)

Customer: Good Morning.

Owner: Good morning, Sir. Welcome to the National Cheese Emporium!

Customer: Ah, thank you, my good man.

Owner: What can I do for you, Sir?

Customer: Well, I was, uh, sitting in the public library on Thurmon Street just now, skimming through Rogue Herrys by Hugh Walpole, and I suddenly came over all peckish.

Owner: Peckish, sir?

Customer: Esuriant.

Owner: Eh?

Customer: 'Ee, ah wor 'ungry-loike!

Owner: Ah, hungry!

Customer: In a nutshell. And I thought to myself, "a little fermented curd will do the trick," so, I curtailed my Walpoling activites, sallied forth, and infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some cheesy comestibles!

Owner: Come again?

Customer: I want to buy some cheese.

Owner: Oh, I thought you were complaining about the bazouki player!

Customer: Oh, heaven forbid: I am one who delights in all manifestations of the Terpsichorean muse!

Owner: Sorry?

Customer: 'Ooo, Ah lahk a nice tuune, 'yer forced too!

Owner: So he can go on playing, can he?

Customer: Most certainly! Now then, some cheese please, my good man.

Owner: (lustily) Certainly, sir. What would you like?

Customer: Well, eh, how about a little red Leicester.

Owner: I'm, a-fraid we're fresh out of red Leicester, sir.

Customer: Oh, never mind, how are you on Tilsit?

Owner: I'm afraid we never have that at the end of the week, sir, we get it fresh on Monday.

Customer: Tish tish. No matter. Well, stout yeoman, four ounces of Caerphilly, if you please.

Owner: Ah! It's beeeen on order, sir, for two weeks. Was expecting it this morning.

Customer: 'T's Not my lucky day, is it? Aah, Bel Paese?

Owner: Sorry, sir.

Customer: Red Windsor?

Owner: Normally, sir, yes. Today the van broke down.

Customer: Ah. Stilton?

Owner: Sorry.

Customer: Ementhal? Gruyere?

Owner: No.

Customer: Any Norweigan Jarlsburg, per chance.

Owner: No.

Customer: Lipta?

Owner: No.

Customer: Lancashire?

Owner: No.

Customer: White Stilton?

Owner: No.

Customer: Danish Brew?

Owner: No.

Customer: Double Goucester?

Owner: (pause) No.

Customer: Cheshire?

Owner: No.

Customer: Dorset Bluveny?

Owner: No.

Customer: Brie, Roquefort, Pol le Veq, Port Salut, Savoy Aire, Saint Paulin, Carrier de lest, Bres Bleu, Bruson?

Owner: No.

Customer: Camenbert, perhaps?

Owner: Ah! We have Camenbert, yessir.

Customer: (suprised) You do! Excellent.

Owner: Yessir. It's..ah,.....it's a bit runny...

Customer: Oh, I like it runny.

Owner: Well,.. It's very runny, actually, sir.

Customer: No matter. Fetch hither the fromage de la Belle France! Mmmwah!

Owner: I...think it's a bit runnier than you'll like it, sir.

Customer: I don't care how ewoking runny it is. Hand it over with all speed.

Owner: Oooooooooohhh........! (pause)

Customer: What now?

Owner: The cat's eaten it.

Customer: (pause) Has he.

Owner: She, sir.

Customer: (pause) Gouda?

Owner: No.

Customer: Edam?

Owner: No.

Customer: Case Ness?

Owner: No.

Customer: Smoked Austrian?

Owner: No.

Customer: Japanese Sage Darby?

Owner: No, sir.

Customer: You...do *have* some cheese, don't you?

Owner: (brightly) Of course, sir. It's a cheese shop, sir. We've got--

Customer: No no... don't tell me. I'm keen to guess.

Owner: Fair enough.

Customer: Uuuuuh, Wensleydale.

Owner: Yes?

Customer: Ah, well, I'll have some of that!

Owner: Oh! I thought you were talking to me, sir. Mister Wensleydale, that's my name.

Customer: (pause) Greek Feta?

Owner: Uh, not as such.

Customer: Uuh, Gorgonzola?

Owner: No.

Customer: Parmesan,

Owner: No.

Customer: Mozarella,

Owner: No.

Customer: Paper Cramer,

Owner: No.

Customer: Danish Bimbo,

Owner: No.

Customer: Czech sheep's milk,

Owner: No.

Customer: Venezuelan Beaver Cheese?

Owner: Not *today*, sir, no.

Customer: (pause) Aah, how about Cheddar?

Owner: Well, we don't get much call for it around here, sir.

Customer: Not much ca-- it's the single most popular cheese in the world!

Owner: Not 'round here, sir.

Customer: (slight pause) and what IS the most popular cheese 'round hyah?

Owner: 'Illchester, sir.

Customer: IS it.

Owner: Oh, yes, it's staggeringly popular in this manor, squire.

Customer: Is it.

Owner: It's our number one best seller, sir!

Customer: I see. Uuh...'Illchester, eh?

Owner: Right, sir.

Customer: All right. Okay. 'Have you got any?' he asked, expecting the answer 'no'.

Owner: I'll have a look, sir........nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnno.

Customer: It's not much of a cheese shop, is it?

Owner: Finest in the district!

Customer: (annoyed) Explain the logic underlying that conclusion, please.

Owner: Well, it's so clean, sir!

Customer: It's certainly uncontaminated by cheese....

Owner: (brightly) You haven't asked me about Limburger, sir.

Customer: Would it be worth it?

Owner: Could be....

Customer: Have you --SHUT THAT BLOODY BAZOUKI OFF!

Owner: Told you sir....

Customer: (slowly) Have you got any Limburger?

Owner: No.

Customer: Figures.Predictable, really I suppose. It was an act of purest optimism to have posed the question in the first place. Tell me:

Owner: Yessir?

Customer: (deliberately) Have you in fact got any cheese here at all.

Owner: Yes, sir.

Customer: Really?

(pause)

Owner: No. Not really, sir.

Customer: You haven't.

Owner: Nosir. Not a scrap. I was deliberately wasting your time, sir.

Customer: Well I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to shoot you.

Owner: Right-Oh, sir.

(The customer takes out a gun and shoots the owner)

Customer: What a *senseless* waste of human life.

[Princess 35]

Worm on Futurama: Fine, we'll leave. But one day you'll be eating a fast food burger and we'll be back. You ever wonder what makes special sauce so special, moi

[Drake 53]

From Stargate Atlantis:

McKay: We need the Zed-Pee-Em (ZPM) to power the 'gate.

O'Neill: Huh?

Daniel: Zee-Pee-Em. He's Canadian.

O'Neill (to McKay): I'm sorry.

Beckett: I think I feel something. It could be lunch related.

McKay: Shut up. And concentrate.

Beckett: The weapon the Ancients built to defend this outpost.

Sheppard: The who?

Beckett: You do have security clearance to be here?

Sheppard: Yeah, yeah, General O'Neill just gave it to me.

Beckett: Then you don't even know about the Stargate.

Sheppard: The what?

Daniel: Jack, it's not too late for me to-

O'Neill: No.

Daniel: I, I could still grab my-

O'Neill: No.

Sheppard: (about the Stargate) What's it feel like?

Ford (seriously): It hurts like hell, sir.

(Sheppard looks worried.)

(Ford starts to grin, then jumps through the 'gate backwards.)

Ford: Woo hoo!

Weir: Dial the Gate.

McKay: (starts dialing) Chevron One encoded!

Weir: Rodney...

McKay: Fine.

Sheppard: My name is Major John Sheppard.

Halling: Halling.

Sheppard: I don't know what that means.

Sumner: It's his name.

Sheppard: Right.

Ford: Gateship 1, ready to go.

Sheppard: Gateship 1? A little puddle jumper like this?

Ford: It's a ship, it goes through the 'gate. Gateship 1.

Sheppard: No, no, no, that's all wrong.

Ford: Dr. McKay thought it was cool.

Sheppard: Oh, okay. Well, it's official. You don't get to name anything. EVER. Flight, this is... Puddle Jumper. We're go to launch.

McKay: This is Flight. I thought we were going with Gateship?

Sheppard: Negative, Flight.

McKay: Standby. It's a ship that goes through the 'gate... and... Fine. Puddle Jumper, you are clear for launch.

Sheppard: Wow. This is cool.

Ford: Looks like you got the hang of it.

Sheppard: Tell you what, Lt., a lot of fighter pilots would kill to fly this thing. It's like it reads your mind.

(A map appears in front of them.)

Ford: Did you do that?

Sheppard: I, I was just wondering where we go from here.

Ford: Take that as a yes. So how do we find 'em once we land?

Sheppard: I've been thinking about that, too.

(A locator device appears. Sheppard takes it, examines it, and puts it in his pocket.)

Sheppard: I'm thinking about a nice turkey sandwich.

(Nothing happens.)

Ford: Worth a try.

[Ana 15]

*applauds*

I want a turkey sandwich now...

[Drake 53]

My friend on MSN:

As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but a human head!

[Andy 60]

:rofl:

[Ana 15]

:lol: Nice...

[GI_Admiral 2]

hahaha...heads can easily be mistaken for nectarines

[Bad furday 57]

That can't be as scary as my dream about the skinned human skull with the weird eyes that followed my eyes wherever I looked....

*thinks he needs professional help* :p

[GI_Admiral 2]

I had a weird dream...no scary but odd

[Ana 15]

Isn't there like... a dream thread for this stuff?

[GI_Admiral 2]

Yes....I bet you there is...*Hopes someone else will find it for him* :p

[Andy 60]

My sister, while trying to write a letter for some school work...

"...as part of my GCSEs I am studying child development, and we are currently working on nappies, so could you please send us some paper?"

[Tsl 7]

:eek: *donates baby wipes* lol

[Bad furday 57]

Now I know what to include in Beeurd's card! :D

[Ender 8]

Quotes from The Blues Brothers

while standing at the entrance to the Triple Rock church watching the service with much dancing and Hallelujah choruses, a heavenly light shines down on Jake and he has an epiphany

Jake: The band... the band...

Reverend Cleophus James(James Brown): DO YOU SEE THE LIGHT?

Jake: THE BAND.

Reverend Cleophus James: DO YOU SEE THE LIGHT?

Elwood: What light?

Reverend Cleophus James: HAVE YOU SEEEEN THE LIGHT?

Jake: YES. YES. JESUS H. TAP-DANCING CHRIST... I HAVE SEEN THE LIGHT.

Elwood: Oh no.

Jake: What the ewok was that?

Elwood: The motor. We've thrown a rod.

Jake: Is that serious?

Elwood: Yup.

Donald 'Duck' Dunn: We had a band powerful enough to turn goat piss into gasoline.

Jake: You were outside, I was inside. You were supposed to keep in touch with the band. I kept asking you if we were gonna play again.

Elwood: What was I gonna do? Take away your only hope? Take away the very thing that kept you going in there? I took the liberty of bullsithting you.

Jake: You lied to me.

Elwood: Wasn't lies, it was just... bullsith.

Elwood: Our Lady of Blessed Acceleration, don't fail us now.

Jake: First you trade the Cadillac for a microphone. Then you lie to me about the band. Now you're gonna put me right back in the joint.

Elwood: They're not gonna catch us. We're on a mission from God.

Murph: Tell me a little about this electric piano, Ray.

Ray: Ah, you have a good eye, my man. That's the best in the city Chicago.

Jake: How much?

Ray: 2000 bucks and it's yours. You can take it home with you. As a matter of fact, I'll throw in the black keys for free.

Elwood: What kind of music do you usually have here?

Claire: Oh, we got both kinds. We got country *and* western.

Jake: Book us for tomorrow night.

Maury Sline: Hold it, hold it. "Tomorrow night", what are you talking about. A gig like that, you gotta prepare the proper exploitation.

Elwood: I know all about that stuff. I have been exploited all my life.

Police Dispatcher: Use of unnecessary violence in the apprehension of the Blues Brothers HAS been approved

Elwood: It's 106 miles to Chicago, we've got a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it's dark and we're wearing sunglasses.

Jake: Hit it.

Elwood: We'll be all right if we can just get back on the expressway.

Jake: This don't look like no expressway to me, pal.

Elwood: Don't yell at me.

Jake: Well whadda you want me to do, Motorhead?

Elwood: Why da ya gotta be so negative all the time? Why can't ya offer some... constructive criticism?

[Chickenman 9]

Such a great movie. :D

[TheUnknown 39]

Elwood: Oh no.

Jake: What the ewok was that?

Elwood: The motor. We've thrown a rod.

Jake: Is that serious?

Elwood: Yup.

Eek. I've had that happen to me...on the side of busy I-75 at 10 PM with no other signs of civilization.

[Andy 60]

i don't usually quote things like this... but:

Christmas is for most of us a time for a break from work, for family and friends, for presents, turkey and crackers. But we should not lose sight of the fact that these are traditional celebrations around a great religious festival, one of the most important in the Christian year.

Religion and culture are much in the news these days, usually as sources of difference and conflict, rather than for bringing people together. But the irony is that every religion has something to say about tolerance and respecting others.

For me, as a Christian, one of the most important of these teachings is contained in the parable of the Good Samaritan, when Jesus answers the question, 'Who is my neighbour?'

It is a timeless story of a victim of a mugging who was ignored by his own countrymen but helped by a foreigner - and a despised foreigner at that.

The implication drawn by Jesus is clear. Everyone is our neighbour, no matter what race, creed or colour. The need to look after a fellow human being is far more important than any cultural or religious differences.

Most of us have learned to acknowledge and respect the ways of other cultures and religions, but what matters even more is the way in which those from different backgrounds behave towards each other in everyday life.

It is vitally important that we all should participate and cooperate for the sake of the wellbeing of the whole community. We have only to look around to recognise the benefits of this positive approach in business or local government, in sport, music and the arts.

There is certainly much more to be done and many challenges to be overcome. Discrimination still exists. Some people feel that their own beliefs are being threatened. Some are unhappy about unfamiliar cultures.

They all need to be reassured that there is so much to be gained by reaching out to others; that diversity is indeed a strength and not a threat.

We need also to realise that peaceful and steady progress in our society of differing cultures and heritage can be threatened at any moment by the actions of extremists at home or by events abroad. We can certainly never be complacent.

But there is every reason to be hopeful about the future. I certainly recognise that much has been achieved in my lifetime.

I believe tolerance and fair play remain strong British values and we have so much to build on for the future.

It was for this reason that I particularly enjoyed a story I heard the other day about an overseas visitor to Britain who said the best part of his visit had been travelling from Heathrow into central London on the tube.

His British friends were, as you can imagine, somewhat surprised, particularly as the visitor had been to some of the great attractions of the country. What do you mean they asked? Because, he replied, I boarded the train just as the schools were coming out.

At each stop children were getting on and off - they were of every ethnic and religious background, some with scarves or turbans, some talking quietly, others playing and occasionally misbehaving together - completely at ease and trusting one another. How lucky you are, said the visitor, to live in a country where your children can grow up this way.

I hope they will be allowed to enjoy this happy companionship for the rest of their lives.

A Happy Christmas to you all.

[Bad furday 57]

Yea!

[Andy 60]

Whoo... Page 100... Anyways. Seeing as i got teh Red Dwarf series V DVDs i think it is time for some quotes!

PS: I got a bit carried away and quoted like the whole script.

KRYTEN: They\'ve taken Mr. Rimmer.? (With more urgency) Sir!? They\'ve

? taken Mr. Rimmer!

CAT: Quick, let\'s get out of here before they bring him back!

* * * * *

RIMMER: How big\'s the crew?

CRANE: Just under 2000 -- all top flight personnel.

RIMMER: Hmmm, what a ship!

LIFT: Floor 3125:? Sports and sexual recreation.

RIMMER: (Suddenly stops grinning inanely) Sports and what?

CRANE: Sex.? Don\'t you have a sex deck on your ship?

RIMMER: Nnno.

CRANE: Well, what do you do when you want to have sex?

RIMMER: Well... we go for runs.? Watch gardening programmes on the ship\'s

? vid.

CRANE: That\'s very bad for you.? Don\'t you ever feel tense or frustrated?

RIMMER: Well it\'s got worse these last ten years or so, I can\'t deny it.

CRANE: Extraordinary.? It\'s quite different here.? In fact, it\'s a ship

? regulation that we all have sexual congress at least twice a day.? It\'s

? a health rule.

RIMMER: Twice a day?? That\'s more than some people manage in a lifetime!

* * * * *

NUMBER ONE: I hear you\'re doing really well in the assessment.

RIMMER: (Mockingly) HmmMMmmmMMMm.

NUMBER ONE: Well listen, if you make it through maybe you\'d like to have

? sex some time next week?? I\'m free Wednesday Morning.

RIMMER: I\'m sorry, I\'m busy Wednesday.? I\'m killing myself.

* * * * *

RIMMER: Look, I\'m not much good at big speeches, and I know I haven\'t

? always been an easy guy to get on with.? And I know that, given the

? choice, I probably wouldn\'t have chosen you as friends.? But, I just

? want to say ... that over the years, ... I have come to regard you ...

? as ... people ... I met.? I\'d just better go, OK?

INQUISITOR: Thomas Allman, you have been found unworthy of having

? existed.

ALLMAN: Is that you, mother?

* * * * *

LISTER: Hang on a minute, why should we have to take any notice of some

? half-crazed rogue robot who\'s appointed himself judge and jury to the

? whole of humanity?? Why should we kowtow to his judgment?

The INQUISITOR takes control of LISTER\'s body again.? He spine stiffens

and electric arcs crackle around him.

INQUISITOR: Because I have the power to snap your body in two like a dry

? reed!

LISTER\'s body is released.

LISTER: Good answer, man, good answer!

* * * * *

KRYTEN: Uh-oh, a door.? We\'d better use an air vent.

LISTER: No need.

KRYTEN: Sir?

LISTER: Look, I\'m gonna do something now, Kryten, that\'s totally, totally

? gross.? I don\'t want you to look.? Turn around.

KRYTEN: What?

LISTER: Trust me, you don\'t wanna know!

KRYTEN reluctantly turns around.? LISTER pulls the object he picked up

earlier out of his jacket:? it\'s a hand.? He presses the severed hand to

the palm-print device, and the door opens.? He puts the hand back in his

jacket and turns around.? KRYTEN has a sick look of realization on his

face.

KRYTEN: Logically, sir, there is only one way you could have possibly

? have opened that door.? I feel quite nauseous.? Where is it?

LISTER: Where\'s what?

KRYTEN: Oh, sir!! You\'ve got it in your jacket!!

LISTER: I got us out of the hold, didn\'t I?

KRYTEN: Sir, you are sick!? You are a sick, sick person!? How can you

? possibly even conceive of such an idea?

LISTER: Cheer up!? Or I\'ll beat you to death with the wet end!

KRYTEN: Sir, if mechanoids could barf, I\'d be onto my fifth bag by now.

? You\'re a sick person!? Sick!? Sick!

KRYTEN: Kryten personal blackbox recording.? Time:? unknown.? Location:

? unknown.? Cause of accident:? unknown.? Should someone find this

? recording perhaps it will shed light as to what happened here.

? My short term memory has been erased.? This I ascribe to the proximity

? of the magnetic coils from Starbug\'s rear engine.

He pauses to look around a bit.

KRYTEN: Secondly, due to the proximity of the magnetic coils, my short-

? term memory appears to have been erased.? This, combined with the

? erasure of my short-term memory, has has left me a little disoriented,

? disoriented, disoriented.

* * * * *

KRYTEN takes a torch cutter and cuts off his damaged left hand.

Whistling, he takes the hand, places it on his chest, removes his

dangling right eye and places it on the middle finger.

KRYTEN: Can you hear me?

The hand \"nods\".

KRYTEN: Find an ore sample pod.? There should be plenty strewn around the

? crash site.? Initiate the homing procedure and bring help.? OK?? Good

? Luck boy.? Go on.

The hand crawls off his chest and KRYTEN waves goodbye.

* * * * *

HOLLY: We\'ve got a visitor.

LISTER: What?

HOLLY: A pod arrived about 20 minutes ago.? Something was in it, but it\'s

? broken free.

LISTER: Any ideas?

HOLLY: Well, I don\'t want to spread any panic or alarm.

LISTER: Whaddya mean, you don\'t wanna spread panic and alarm?

HOLLY: Well, you\'ve always had this thing against tarantulas, haven\'t

? you?

LISTER: (Worried) Tarantulas?

HOLLY: I mean that you\'ve never been overly fond of them as a species,

? have you?

LISTER: Well, no.

HOLLY: And the prospect of waking up and finding one crawling over your

? clammy, naked, helpless body has always filled you with a kind of cold

? dread?

LISTER: Well, yeah.? Wotya trying to say to me, Holly?

HOLLY: I\'m saying it might not be your night.? Look at this.? This is the

? best shot the security cameras could get.

Shot of KRYTEN\'s hand crawling up a corridor.

LISTER: Where is it now?

HOLLY: We lost it.

LISTER: What does Kryten think?

HOLLY: Kryten\'s off moon-hopping with Rimmer.? Radio link\'s down.? I\'ll

? keep trying.

The hand crawls into the drive room and obviously starts using LISTER\'s

leg as a ladder.? LISTER tenses up.? The CAT wanders in.

CAT: So what\'s the problem?? Hey, you OK?? You look tense.

LISTER: (Typing) > HELP

? > Something is crawling up my leg.? I think it\'s a taranshula

CAT: You\'re playing that dumb adventure game.

LISTER: > It\'s in my boxers.? It\'s making a nest

CAT: Then buy a potion from Gandalf, the master wizard.? That\'s what I

? usually do.

LISTER: > I\'m SERIOUS.

CAT looks down, then looks up again, a rather tense expression on his

face.

CAT: (Typing also) > It has an eye the size of a meatball

LISTER: > Kill it

CAT: > How?

LISTER: > I can\'t think straight.? I\'ve got a taranshula with an eye the

? size of a meatball setting up home in my joy department.? Help me.

CAT: > I\'m scared

LISTER: > YOU\'RE scared.? How d\'you think I feel?

CAT: > You haven\'t SEEN it!!

LISTER: > The lower half of my body has gone numb.

CAT: > That\'s probably for the best.

LISTER: > It\'s moving

? > Oh *#%^**!!!!

KRYTEN\'s hand climbs up onto the desk and goes to the computer terminal.

HAND: (Typing) > Hello.

* * * * *

RIMMER is being caressed and covered with oil.

RIMMER: I\'m a second technician in the Space Corps.? I\'m briefed to give

? you my name and number and nothing more.? I don\'t know who you are or

? what you think you\'re playing at, but I\'m not going to give you

? anything else.

? You can oil me all you like, you can use your tongues and your full

? sensual lips to caress my erogenous zones onto a plateau of sexual

? ecstasy.? But I\'ll tell you now.? This nut\'s not for cracking.

? However, far be it for me to change your game plan, if you absolutely

? insist on using erotic persuasion to achieve your devious ends, then so

? be it.? Just have a large Quatrofamagio pizza with extra olives ready

? at the end.

The maidens start to leave and walk up a set of stairs to a gong.

RIMMER: Err, where are you going?? Err, what are you doing?? My God!? Are

? you going to take a flying leap?

MAID: We are going to summon the Master.

RIMMER: The Master?

MAID: You have been prepared for him.

RIMMER: This Master character -- and I acknowledge that I may not want to

? know the full answer to this one -- but why does he want me oily in

? particular?? Obviously, whatever he has in mind is facilitated by my

? being slippery and pliant, yes?

MAID: He always likes his victims to be oiled.? An oiled body is so much

? better for conducting electricity.

RIMMER: Not the best news, but it could have been worse.

* * * * *

RIMMER: What happened?

LISTER: Weird.

CAT: Where\'d he go?

KRYTEN: There\'s an old android saying which I believe is peculiarly

? appropriate here.

The others, unnoticed by KRYTEN, sneak up the stairs to leave.

KRYTEN: In binary language it goes something like this:

? 001100111011000111100, which roughly translated means, \"Don\'t stand

? around jabbering when you\'re in mortal danger.\"

* * * * *

CAT: Don\'t you know what this place is?

RIMMER: Yes, it\'s a hell hole.? It\'s a nightmare.? It\'s a stinking

? infested pit of putridness.

LISTER: Rimmer, it\'s _your mind_.

KRYTEN: He\'s right, sir.? This is a psi-moon.? It\'s terrain was

? landscaped by _your psyche_.

RIMMER: So... So what are you saying to me?? That thing... that, that

? beast... that lives inside my mind?

KRYTEN: Metaphorically, yes, sir.

RIMMER: Self-loathing?? I don\'t loathe myself.? What is there one could

? possibly loathe about me?

KRYTEN: Would you like the list, sir?

RIMMER: What list?

KRYTEN: Well.? There\'s the fact that you were despised by your parents

? for failing to achieve their standards; the fact that your three

? brothers were all such high flyers in the Space Corps and you ended up

? servicing chicken soup machines; there\'s your inability to form long

? term relationships with anyone; your cowardliness; your lack of charm,

? honour, or grace; and the awful knowledge that throughout your entire

? life no one has truly liked you because you are so fundamentally

? unlikeable.

RIMMER: Oh, that!

KRYTEN: Please don\'t interrupt, sir.? I\'m only halfway through my list.

? Now where was I?? Oh yes--

It is moodily atmospheric, like the set of Aliens, but done on a BBC

budget with lots of smoke to disguise the fact that it is actually a

redressed version of several other sets.

LISTER: Dr. Lanstrom!

KRYTEN: Are you there Doctor?

They come across a vault type door.? LISTER brushes the dust off the

door.? As he goes down it, he exposes writing and pictures:

\"VIRAL RESEARCH DEPT.\"

LISTER: Oh brutal!

\"MOST GROSS DANGER\" with a skull and cross-bones beside it.

\"BIO-SUITS MUST BE WORN AT _ALL TIMES_\" with a picture of a bio-suit and

a check-mark.? There\'s also red triangular warning sign with the picture

inside it of a man vomiting at the same time as his guts are exploding

out of his body.

CAT: _Huh_?!

CAT and LISTER cover their mouths and noses with hankies.

KRYTEN: There is no need for alarm, sir.? If there were any dangerous

? viral strains in the atmosphere, the Psi-scan would have picked them up

? by now.

KRYTEN shows them the scanner and then hits it on the side and shakes it

a bit.

KRYTEN: Hmmm, it\'s never done that before.

He turns away, wrestling with the device.

KRYTEN: Blasted stupid cheap damn stupid Martian power packs.

He throws a spent battery over one shoulder and inserts another.

CAT: (Worried) So what\'s the news?

KRYTEN: Well, if I could just beg your indulgence for a few seconds more,

? sir, the old 345 takes a little time to warm up.? (He gives it another

? shake.) Still, it out-performs the 346 in 8 out of 9 bench tests.? A

? small wonder, then, that it secured \"Psi-scan of the Year, Best Budget

? Model\" three years running.? Now here are the results.? And we\'re going

? to ... live.

LISTER: (Sighs) We\'re a real Mickey Mouse operation aren\'t we?

CAT: Mickey Mouse?? We ain\'t even Betty Boop!

* * * * *

He fiddles with a near-by control panel.? One of the pods slides out from

the wall and begins to open.

LISTER: I must have triggered something.

KRYTEN: Doctor?? Doctor Lanstrom?

The open pod pours forth smoke, but they they can\'t see anything inside

yet.

LANSTROM: (_Very_ heavy German accent) And whom might you be?

LISTER: Hi. We were just passing.? We heard the beacon.

LANSTROM: Schopenhauer was right, wouldn\'t you say?? Life without pain

? has no meaning.? Gentlemen I wish to give your lives meaning.

LANSTROM sits up in the stasis pod.? A howl emanates from her.? Her eyes

glow a fluorescent red colour and electrical bolts emerge from them aimed

at LISTER, KRYTEN, and CAT.

LISTER: Why can\'t we ever meet anyone nice?

* * * * *

LISTER: (Slightly garbled) If you can hear us, it\'s me!? Listen now,

? Lanstrom\'s got some holo-virus.? She\'s totally barking!

RIMMER: Listy?

LISTER: (Still garbled) We need backup, man, we need it bad and we need

? it now!

RIMMER: Everything OK?

LISTER: What, can\'t you hear me?!

RIMMER: (Lying through his teeth) I\'m sorry, Lister, you\'re very faint.

KRYTEN: Dr. Lanstrom has contracted some sort of mutated holo-plague and

? is in a fearful psychopathic fury.

RIMMER: Marvellous!? I\'m sure she\'ll be a valuable asset to the team.

KRYTEN: Sir, I\'m going to change frequency.? Can you hear me now?

A bolt of Hex-Lightning hits the radio.? LISTER and KRYTEN run, dropping

the now red-hot radio as they go.? LANSTROM picks it up telekinetically

and talks into it, hands free.

LANSTROM: Hello.? My name is Dr. Hildegard Lanstrom and I am quite, quite

? mad.

RIMMER: Are you really?? How absolutely splendid.

LANSTROM: I have a riddle for you.? What\'s dead and dead and dead all

? over?

RIMMER: I give in, Dr. Fruit-Loop, _do_ tell me.

LANSTROM: Yooooooouuuuuuu!!!

The radio blows up.? A bolt of lightning passes from the explosion to

RIMMER.

RIMMER: Well we know what to get you for Christmas:? a double lobotomy

? and 10 rolls of rubber wallpaper.

* * * * *

KRYTEN: This one is the most intriguing of all.? According to her notes,

? this is the viral strain Felicitus Populi, commonly known as \"luck.\"

LISTER: (Disbelieving) Luck is a virus?

KRYTEN: A positive virus which most humans contract at some point in

? their lives for very short periods.? And here it is:? Lady Luck in

? liquid form.? Want to try some?

LISTER: Is it safe?

KRYTEN: Absolutely harmless.? Even so, this is a minute dose and will

? only last about three minutes.

LISTER shrugs, then holds his dreadlocks and collar out of the way as

KRYTEN injects him.

KRYTEN: Now, I want you to pick out all the aces from this pack of cards.

LISTER: Shuffle them?

KRYTEN: Mmm hmm.

LISTER shuffles the deck, then picks all the aces.? As he does so, KRYTEN

calls out the odds against his just-completed act.

KRYTEN: 13 to 1.? 221 to 1.? 5525 to 1.? 270725 to 1!

KRYTEN, inspired, decides on a yet more challenging experiment.

KRYTEN: Sir, I want you to throw this dart over here into that bulls eye

? behind you using your left hand, without looking.

LISTER: What, using my left hand?? Into the Bulls-eye?? Without looking?

? No chance.

KRYTEN: Trust me, sir.

LISTER, still shaking his head, takes up throwing position.

CAT: You ready?

LISTER throws the dart.? There is a dull thunk.

KRYTEN: Ahh.? I think that indicates the luck virus has worn off.

KRYTEN turns round and we see the dart is embedded into the back of his

head.

* * * * *

LISTER: (Grinning inanely) This is insane!? We\'ve been in here 5 days.

? There\'s no sign of any virus.? We\'re _clean_!

KRYTEN: That\'s it -- 5 days!? We\'ve got him!? Space Corps Directive 699

? -- we can demand a rescreening!

CAT: He\'ll refuse.

KRYTEN: He can\'t!? He\'s playing by the book!? We\'ve _nailed_ him!

RIMMER: (Voice only, sounding oddly strained) Gentlemen.? Your

? conversation makes interesting listening.

LISTER: RIMMER, is that you?

RIMMER: Oh, yes.

LISTER: \'Ow long have you been listening?

RIMMER: Two, maybe three hours.

LISTER: Well, no one\'s got any disease, man.

CAT: We\'re clean.

KRYTEN: You have to re-screen us, sir, as per Directive 699.

LISTER: No one\'s got any virus and no one\'s smeggin\' nuts!

RIMMER: Well, that\'s good.

The observation window depolarises, revealing RIMMER.? He is NOT in

uniform.

RIMMER: Is something amiss?

LISTER: (Slight quaver in him voice) Amiss?? God no, what could possibly

? be amiss?

RIMMER: You don\'t think there\'s anything amiss?? I\'m sitting here wearing

? a red and white checked gingham dress and army boots and you think

? that\'s un-amiss?

CAT: No, of course not.? It\'s just that we thought you had gone nuts!? We

? were tryin\' to humour you.

RIMMER: I was just doing a little test -- a little test to see if you had

? gone crazy.

He abruptly tenses and lets out a horrible yell.

RIMMER: CHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! If there is one thing I can\'t stand it\'s

? crazy people.

LISTER: Well we\'ve passed the test, Rimmer.? You can let us out.

RIMMER: I can\'t let you out.

LISTER: Why not?

RIMMER: Because the King of the Potato People won\'t let me.? I begged

? him.? I got down on my knees and wept.? He wants to keep you here.

? Keep you here for ten years.

CAT: Could we see him?

RIMMER: See who?

CAT: The King.

RIMMER: Do you have a magic carpet?

LISTER: Yeah, a little three-seater.

RIMMER: So, let me get this straight.? You want to fly on a magic carpet

? to see the King of the Potato People and plead with him for your

? freedom, and you\'re telling me you are completely sane?! I think that

? warrants 2 hours of W.O.O.

LISTER: What\'s W.O.O?

CAT: You had to ask.

RIMMER: With ... out ... oxygen.? No oxygen for 2 hours.? That will teach

? you to be bread baskets.

He disappears.

LISTER: What do we do?

CAT: I think our only hope\'s the Potato King.

LISTER: How the hell did he get the holo-virus?

KRYTEN: It can be transmitted over radio waves.? He must have spoken to

? Lanstrom at some point.? I predict we have approximately seven minutes

? before the air in here becomes unbreathable.

CAT: Well, we gotta get out of here somehow!

LISTER: It\'s impossible.? That\'s the whole point of Quarantine.

? (Examining the door frame) Nothing gets out; nothing gets in.? Not even

? a microbe.? Kryten, any chance of you cracking the code on the door

? lock?

KRYTEN: The chances of punching in the correct combination are literally

? billions (Realization strikes) ...to one!

LISTER: (Sharing the same idea) Unless...

KRYTEN: Of course!

LISTER: The luck virus!

They cross to the bench and KRYTEN picks up the hypo-gun, still loaded

with the cannister of Felicitus Populi.

CAT: Hey, you really think that stuff can get us out of here?

KRYTEN: If I give Mr. Lister a suitably large dose, he will temporarily

? become the luckiest human being who ever lived.

KRYTEN presses the injector to LISTER\'s neck.

LISTER: (Crossing to the door) OK, then, what do I do?

KRYTEN: Well, you just press in whatever numbers you think are best.

LISTER: OK.

He hits several keys on the door combination keypad.? He stands back.

The door doesn\'t open.

LISTER: (Exasperated) Ssss--

KRYTEN: Last digit, sir.

LISTER presses one last button.? The door opens.

* * * * *

KRYTEN: We head for the hologram projection suite, before Mr. Rimmer--

RIMMER: (Behind them) \"Before Mr. Rimmer\" what?

They turn and face him.? RIMMER is still wearing the gingham dress.

Abruptly, he raises his right hand.? He is wearing a glove puppet -- a

cute furry penguin.

RIMMER: They\'ve been naughty boys, haven\'t they, Mr. Flibble?

RIMMER looks at the penguin and supplies the voice, doing a rather bad

ventriloquist routine.

FLIBBLE: Yes.

RIMMER: What happens to naughty boys who\'ve been naughty, Mr. Flibble?

FLIBBLE: Uncle Arnie fries them alive with his Hex Vision.

RIMMER: That\'s right, Mr. Flibble.

As RIMMER\'s eyes glow bright red, the others, who know by now exactly

what\'s coming, run for their lives.? They are pursued by several hex-

bolts, which barely miss them and cause several explosions along the

corridor walls.

* * * * *

KRYTEN: We need to use your luck, sir.

LISTER: How?

KRYTEN: What we really need is some kind of remote link to the hologram

? disk projection system.

LISTER: What, like this one?

He picks up a box with \"remote projection\" written on the side.

CAT: What a stroke of luck!

KRYTEN: Now what we need is a hexangonal power transfer adapter capable

? of holding spikes of up to 5 million volts.

LISTER: (Tripping over it) What\'s this?

KRYTEN: Extraordinary.? Now all we need is a B47/7RF resistor.

LISTER holds one up between his fingers.

CAT: Look out!

Mr. FLIBBLE pokes round the corner at about head height.? He is followed

by RIMMER.

RIMMER: Mr. Flibble says:

FLIBBLE: Game over, boys.

RIMMER and Mr. FLIBBLE start to use their \"Hex Vision\" but KRYTEN manages

to switch on the just-completed remote hologram unit before RIMMER can

fire -- he falls to the ground.? Mr. FLIBBLE twitches spasmodically for

several seconds then keels over, dead.? RIMMER\'s uniform reappears and

Mr. FLIBBLE vanishes.

KRYTEN: I think he\'s going to be OK, sir.

LISTER: He\'s gonna be OK?? (KRYTEN nods yes.) The luck virus must have

? worn off.

LISTER: Look, it\'s not just strawberries!? This machine could duplicate

? anything.

He picks up one of the copies and takes a bite

LISTER: It can--

He suddenly stops, surprised and delighted.

KRYTEN: Sir, what\'s wrong?

LISTER: This strawberry\'s incredible!? So succulent!? It\'s divine!

He tries the other duplicate.

RIMMER: Is that the same?

LISTER: (Screwing up his face) Oh, no, no.

RIMMER: How\'s it different?

LISTER: Bitter.? Rancid.

He puts the strawberry down and we see maggots wriggle out of it.

KRYTEN: Sir, can I, uh...

LISTER: Kind of tangy.

KRYTEN: Sir, I...

LISTER: Crunchy.

KRYTEN: Sir!

LISTER: Tangy.? Kind of chewy.? Meaty even.? With a kind of wriggly

? texture...

He stops, looks down at the strawberry and notices the maggots.

LISTER: Oh! Smeg!

KRYTEN: It\'s as if the triplicator has extracted all the very best

? elements out of one duplicate and all the very worst out of the other.

LISTER: So what would happen if we reversed the process?

KRYTEN presses some buttons.? The science lab explodes.? Chaos ensues,

with sparks and smaller sub-explosions erupting from various keyboard.

LISTER runs around the room, typing on any convenient keyboards.? It

grows slightly less frenetic in a fury of fizzling.

RIMMER: Nice experiment, guys.? What do you do for an encore?? Neutron

? bomb juggling?

The alert sirens begin \"Ahwooga\"ing in the background.? HOLLY appears on

viewscreen.

HOLLY: Rude alert!? Rude alert!? An electrical fire has knocked out my

? voice recognition unicycle!? Many Wurlitzers are missing from my

? database!? Abandon shop!? This is not a daffodil.? Repeat:? This is

? _not_ a daffodil!

RIMMER: Well, thankfully Holly\'s unaffected.

* * * * *

KRYTEN: That\'s eighty klicks.? We should be clear of any possible blast

? zone.

CAT: You really think it\'s gonna blow?

RIMMER: This can\'t be happening.

LISTER: Nothing\'s gonna happen.? We\'re just here as a precaution.? The

? whole ship\'s full of fail-safes anyway.? Cooling systems, containment

? panels, vacuum shields.? The actual chances of it blowing are about one

? in--

7 Model shot.

Red Dwarf explodes, horrendously.

8 Int. Starbug cockpit.

The Boyz from the Dwarf are being shaken by shock waves.

LISTER: (Subdued) One.

* * * * *

RIMMER: I\'m just being a realist.? Look, _you_ only have seven minutes

? left to live.? That\'s tragic.? (With a strange smile) _God_, it\'s

? tragic.

? But for the rest of us, life must go on.

KRYTEN: If I may interject, sir.? In _your_ case that\'s not exactly true.

? Remember, you _are_ operating on emergency battery supplies.? We have

? no spares.? In fact, you yourself, sir, will expire in a little under

? _four_ minutes.

* * * * *

KRYTEN: Well, presumably when I threw the triplicator into reverse, it

? didn\'t reverse the _process_, it reversed the _field_ of the beam,

? projecting it _out_, not _in_.

LISTER: So, instead of copying the strawberries, it copied the entire

? ship?

KRYTEN: Precisely.? And presumably the resultant power drain exposed the

? engine\'s core and caused the original to blow.

RIMMER: So, like the strawberries, there are two new Red Dwarves:? one,

? succulent and divine, the other...

LISTER: Fish bait.

CAT: So what\'s the problem?? We got us a _ship_!? And from what you\'re

? saying, it should be better than the original!

LISTER: Not quite.

KRYTEN: In the lab, the triplicated copies had a limited lifespan.

RIMMER: How limited?

LISTER: About an hour.

KRYTEN: Well, there may be a solution.? The contents of the ship should

? be triplicated too.? So there will be a working triplicator on-board

? whichever of the ships is the superior.? You see, theoretically, we

? should be able to reverse the reversal and replicate the original Red

? Dwarf by amalgamating the two copies.

CAT: He makes it sound so simple!

* * * * *

CAT: (to HIGH CAT) You\'re me, but you\'re not me!

HIGH CAT: I am part of you; your higher self; your spiritual side.? I

? exist in you as potential, but now I\'m here -- extrapolated from your

? being.

CAT: Extrapo-what-alated?? Buddy, there is no way you\'re a part of me.

? No part of me would ever be seen alive in sandals!

HIGH CAT: I find clothes a distraction from the pursuit of spiritual and

? intellectual fulfillment.

CAT: That\'s weird, because I find spiritual and intellectual fulfillment

? a distraction from the pursuit of clothes!

* * * * *

KRYTEN: These are our higher selves.? They are the people we could have

? become if all the negative aspects of our characters were removed.

RIMMER: You mean hippies.

KRYTEN: With respect, sir, you think Jesus was a hippy.

RIMMER: Well, he was.? He had long hair; he didn\'t have a job.? What more

? do you want?

* * * * *

LOW HOLLY: It is ready.

LOW LISTER: Put it in his spine.

He holds up a small, multi-pointed object, which the LOW KRYTEN takes and

inserts into the base of LISTER\'s neck.

LOW KRYTEN: Wake up!? You don\'t want to miss the pain!? Can you feel the

? needles as they burrow into your spine?

LISTER: (Half-awake now) You guys are two ladders short of an elopement.

? What are you after?

LOW HOLLY: We want your vessel.

LOW CAT: Nothing works here, man.

LOW KRYTEN: Everything is in decay.

LOW RIMMER: And here is how we\'re going to get it.

The LOW KRYTEN walks around the table, undoing LISTER\'s straps.

LISTER: I can\'t move!

LOW HOLLY: Of course not!? He hasn\'t turned you on yet.

LOW KRYTEN: (To the LOW LISTER) Show him.

The LOW LISTER holds up a remote control and telescopes the aerial.? At

the touch of a button, LISTER finds himself sitting up and turning to the

left.? The LOW LISTER presses another button and LISTER\'s hands clap.

LOW RIMMER: He applauds our efforts!

LOW CAT: Maybe he\'d like to go for a little walk.

LISTER: (Worried) Game over now, eh?? Game over!

LOW KRYTEN: I wonder what\'s in that supply cabinet?

LISTER is stood up, thanks to the remote control, and robotically walked

over to the cabinet.? His hand opens the door, and closes it hard on his

nose.? He groans with pain.? The Lows all laugh.? LISTER is walked over

to a steaming kettle, and his hands pick it up.

LISTER: Oh no!? No!

LOW KRYTEN: I wonder if he\'d like a drink to calm him down?

LISTER: No!

LISTER is sat down.? He braces himself for the inevitable, but still

mouths wordlessly when his hand pours boiling water over his crotch.

LOW LISTER: Whoops!

The LOW CAT takes the kettle and presses it to the side of his own face,

generating sizzling sounds.? The Lows cackle again.

LOW KRYTEN: Perhaps he\'d like something to eat.? (More cackling as LISTER

? stands) Yes!

LISTER is walked to a counter and dropped to his knees.? He is thus

brought face to face with a large tarantula in a glass case.? His

expression progresses from worried to panicked.

LISTER: Ugh -- you guys have _got_ to be yanking my chain!

His left hand removes the lid, and grabs the tarantula.

LOW KRYTEN: Bon appetit.

LISTER\'s right hand holds his mouth open as his left shoves the live

tarantula into it.? He gags and screams, as best he can.? The tarantula

eventually goes down.

* * * * *

LISTER appears at the end of the corridor.? He is still gagged, and his

right hand, behind him, holds a wicked looking knife.? He approaches the

High duo.

LISTER: Mmmmph!? Mmmmph!

HIGH RIMMER: Hist, yonder:? your likeness, brother.

Back to LISTER, the HIGH RIMMER, and the HIGH LISTER.

LISTER: Mmmmmmgohahmmmmmmfgh!

LISTER\'s right hand produces the knife.

HIGH RIMMER: A knife!? Are you hungry, brother?

HIGH LISTER: I have some pulses and a little curd for your refreshment.

LISTER\'s eyes bulge.? He helplessly watches his own hand slash downward

with the knife, giving the HIGH LISTER two enormous gashes down the left

shoulder

HIGH LISTER: Forgive me, brother.? I appear to have stained thy knife-end

? with my blood.? A thousand apologies.

* * * * *

KRYTEN: I\'d better remove the spinal implant and destroy it once and for

? all.

CAT puts down his bazookoid, and picks up the remote control.

CAT: Uhuh, wait a minute.? Just give me one week, that\'s all I ask.

LISTER: What are you talking about?

CAT twiddles the joysticks on the remote control, and LISTER\'s hands slap

LISTER\'s face.? Once, twice, thrice.

CAT: Boy, this is gonna be fun!

The HIGH LISTER collapses.

* * * * *

LISTER: What are you implying, Kryten?!

KRYTEN: No implication intended, sir.

LISTER: Yes there is.? You\'re saying there\'s some huge damn fish out

? there, aren\'t you?? Some kind of gigantic, weird, pre-historic

? leviathan who has porked its entire way through this ocean.

KRYTEN: That\'s one option.

LISTER: Any alternatives?

KRYTEN: None that occur.

CAT: Hey, wait a minute!? I\'ve got it!? Don\'t fish swim south for the

? winter?

KRYTEN: No, that\'s _birds_, sir.

CAT: _Birds_ swim south for the winter?! How do they breath?

* * * * *

KRYTEN: This fish _suffocated_ in water.? It voluntarily closed its own

? gills.

CAT: Are you saying that this haddock committed suicide?!

KRYTEN: I\'m merely stating the known facts.? This fish relinquished its

? life of its own free will.? Damned fool!

LISTER: Why would a haddock kill itself?? Why am I even asking that

? question?

CAT: Hang five, guys, I\'m getting something.? (Pointing to each corpse in

? turn with his torch) He committed suicide, he committed suicide, he

? committed suicide, and the _fish_ committed suicide.? There\'s some kind

? of link here I can\'t quite make out.

* * * * *

KRYTEN: Some kind of sea creature, a life form we have never encountered

? before attacked this ship.? Its defense mechanism is a curious one.? It

? secretes a venom, a poison, possibly even a hallucinogenic, which

? disfunctions its prey by inducing despair.? That\'s why the crew

? members, and even that fish, committed suicide.

? Unfortunately, we have become contaminated.? It\'s a greatly reduced

? dose but we may find that we do experience (bursts into tears) moments

? of despair and anguish.

RIMMER: What about Lister and the Cat?

LISTER: I\'m OK.? I don\'t seem to be affected.? (Beginning to break down)

? It\'s true, I don\'t think anyone ever truly loved me in my entire life,

? but there\'s nothing new about that.

CAT: What\'s gotten into you guys?? This is like Saturday night at the

? Wailing Wall!? Why is it always _me_ that has to be the strong one?

? (Starts to cry also) I mean you guys just fall apart.

KRYTEN: I think we should get back just as soon as we can and then take a

? mood-stabiliser.? I suggest Lithium Carbonate.

RIMMER: I know that emotionally this probably isn\'t the news you want to

? hear right now but there\'s a blob on the sonar scope the size of New

? Mexico and it\'s heading your way.

HOLLY: I think our friend the \"Suicide Squid\" is about to make an

? appearance.

KRYTEN: (Over the radio to RIMMER) Where is it precisely?

RIMMER: Directly above you, about 2000 fathoms and diving.

LISTER: Oh, thanks a lot, Rimmer.? You know the state we\'re in and you

? have to go and give us news like that.? You couldn\'t have _lied_?

RIMMER: I _was_ lying.? It\'s only 1000 fathoms.

* * * * *

HOLLY: Change bearing, one zero five.? There\'s some natural caverns about

? 3 clicks away.? It might give us some cover.

LISTER: (Piloting) That\'s a yo, Holly!? (Changes course) New course in!

They are approaching the underwater caverns when the creature catches up

with them, driving them down into the ground.

LISTER: It\'s hit us!

RIMMER: Look out!

They impact hard on a ridge, and Starbug explodes!

7 Computer readout.

Machine 16

G A M E? O V E R

Score 4%

Music is heard.

VOICE: For the last four years you have been engaged in the Total

? Immersion Video Game, Red Dwarf.

As with all role-playing adventures you will experience a certain

? amount of disorientation on leaving the game.? It will be several

? minutes before your real-life memories return.? So, in the meantime,

? please disengage the game-playing machinery and _relax_ until an

? attendant is free to answer any of your questions.

? On behalf of Leisure World International, may we be the first to say,

? welcome back to reality!

The masks lift up and allow the group to get out of their chairs.

LISTER\'s hair is straight and he has a ponytail (no dreadlocks).? KRYTEN

has a metal skull plate but has human hands.? RIMMER\'s hair looks like

Dr. Emmet Brown from Back to the Future.

LISTER: This is a very, _very_ bad dream, right?!

RIMMER stumbles and is caught by LISTER.

RIMMER: I\'m not a hologram.? (Smiles.)

KRYTEN: I\'m half human!

CAT: What the hell\'s happened to my teeth?!

He has teeth with a gigantic overbite and also a \"Pyrex bowl\" haircut.

CAT: I can open beer bottles with my overbite!!

An attendant appears.? He is ANDY and has a very strong Birmingham

accent.

ANDY: Allright, lads!? How you feeling?? A bit wonky?? Perfectly normal.

? You\'ll be as right as rain in 20 minutes.? So, if you could just move

? through into the recuperation lounge, I can get things ready for the

? next lot.

LISTER: The next lot?

ANDY: Yeah, a very popular game is Red Dwarf.? It\'s got a two year

? waiting list.? Only got 20 machines.? So! How did you get killed, then?

KRYTEN: Some kind of squid.

ANDY: The _despair_ squid?! There\'s no way that should have killed you!

? Why didn\'t you use the laser cannons?? It\'s obvious!

KRYTEN: Starbug doesn\'t -- didn\'t have a laser cannon capability.

ANDY: You twonk!? Use the laser cannons on the crashed ... wotsit ...

? Esperanto.? That\'s how you get out of it!

RIMMER: _How_ were we supposed to know that, you Brummie git?

ANDY: Esperanto.? That\'s a clue, isn\'t it?? Esperanto -- hope.? Hope

? defeats despair.? Despair -- the Despair Squid.? It\'s a blatant clue,

? isn\'t it?? Blatant!? If you didn\'t get that you must have been playing

? like puddings!

? Which one was playing Lister, then?

LISTER: (Subdued) Me.

ANDY: Did you get Kochanski?

LISTER: (Surprised) Was I supposed to?

ANDY: Supposed to?? That\'s the objective of the game for Lister, you

? twonk!? You get separated to begin with and basically it\'s a love story

? across time, space, death, and reality.? You must have got the easy

? stuff, though!? Here, what did you think of the Planet of the

? Nymphomaniacs?

RIMMER: The Planet of the _what_?!

ANDY: What, you missed _that_?! Oh, that\'s a riot!? Some people spend

? years on that.? Which one was Rimmer?

RIMMER: (Smiling) Me.

ANDY: Ohh, he\'s amazing, in\'t he?

RIMMER: You can say that again.

ANDY: How long did it take you to suss him out, then?

RIMMER: Ahh, I had him sussed right from the beginning.

ANDY: Really?? You found the Captain\'s message right away?!

RIMMER: (Taken back) _What_ Captain\'s message?

ANDY: The one that\'s hidden in the microdot in the \'i\' in Rimmer\'s

? swimming certificate.? Well, that\'s the clue, isn\'t it?? Rimmer having

? a swimming certificate and not being able to swim!

KRYTEN: That\'s a clue?!

ANDY: It\'s a blatant clue, isn\'t it?

RIMMER: A blatant clue to what?

ANDY: A blatant clue to the truth behind Rimmer.

RIMMER: _What_ truth?

ANDY: The truth to why he is such an insufferable pratt.

RIMMER: That\'s because of his parents, his upbringing, his background.

? The fact that he was never loved.

ANDY: No, no, no.

RIMMER: Yes, yes, yes.

ANDY: No, no, no.

RIMMER: Yes, yes, yes.

ANDY: No!

RIMMER: (Annoyed) What was it then?

ANDY: He was a hand-picked special agent for the Space Corps.? He had his

? memory erased and was programmed to behave like a complete twonk so no

? one would suspect he was on a mission to destroy Red Dwarf in order to

? guide Lister to his destiny as the creator of the second universe!

LISTER: You what?!

ANDY: Yeah!? You know the bit where Lister jump starts the second big

? bang with jump leads from Starbug?

RIMMER: (Incredulous) Jump starts the second big bang?

ANDY: Well, that\'s the final irony, isn\'t it?? Lister, the ultimate

? atheist, turns out in fact to be God!

LISTER: _What_?!

ANDY: It\'s all in the Captain\'s message.? It\'s all in the microdot.? Hang

? on a minute!? Are you ... are you seriously telling me you were playing

? the pratt version of Rimmer for all that time?? For four years?! Wow,

? that\'s a classic that is!? That\'s a classic!

* * * * *

They leave the Total Immersion Video Arcade and enter the car park level.

They pass two posters stuck on a wall.

LISTER: (Reading) \"Vote Fascist for a third glorious decade of total

? law enforcement.\"

KRYTEN: (Reading) \"Be a government informer.? Betray your family & friends.

? Fabulous prizes to be won.\"

They arrive at the limo, which is covered with a car cover.

LISTER: There it is.? (He removes the car cover.)

RIMMER: This is _your_ car?!

LISTER: Bay 47.

A young child runs into view and across the car park, being chased by a

man in a suit.

COP: Halt or I\'ll fire!

The child runs right between RIMMER and KRYTEN while the COP stops and

raises his gun.

COP: Move, voters!

KRYTEN: (Grabbing RIMMER to stop him from moving) Move an inch and I\'ll

? crush every bone in your body.

The COP has lost the girl, but he does not lower his gun -- it\'s an

automatic weapon that looks all too loaded.? He approaches the group

angrily.

COP: You helped an enemy of democracy escape.? She was stealing an apple

? of the people.

KRYTEN: (Whipping out his badge in an aggressive manner) Bullet.

? Cybernautics!

COP: That\'s _traffic control_.

KRYTEN is crestfallen and turns his badge around to look at it.? The

others, sans LISTER, can\'t believe their bad luck.

COP: Kneel, voters.? You are under sentence of death.? (To LISTER in

? the shadows) Come out of the shadows, voter.

LISTER walks forward, arms raised in surrender.

LISTER: What\'s the beef?? Did she steal your lunch box?

The COP finally gets a look at who he\'s talking to.

COP: M-mm-many apologies, Voter Colonel.? Had I known it was you...

He slowly lowers his gun, lowers his head, and clicks his heels in a

salute.

COP: Forgive me.

LISTER: You _know_ me?

COP: Of course, Voter Colonel.

LISTER: Who am I?

COP: You... are... Colonel Sebastian Doyle.? Section chief of CGI.? Head

? of the Ministry of Alteration.

LISTER: Remind me a little.? What do we do at the \"Ministry of

? Alteration?\"

COP: You... _change_ people, sir.

LISTER: In what way?

COP: You change them from being _alive_ people, to being _dead_ people.

? To purify democracy.

* * * * *

LISTER: Get in the car!

KRYTEN: I _killed_ him.

LISTER: We haven\'t got time for that, Kryten.? In the car!

KRYTEN: I _killed_ a human!

RIMMER: In the car!

They all sit on boxes and trunks in Starbug.? They are arranged 2x2 in a

car shape.? LISTER is driving, KRYTEN is the \"front-seat\" passenger, and

CAT and RIMMER are in the \"back seat.\"

RIMMER: Lookout!? Fascist cops by the left and they are armed!

RIMMER: (To CAT) You\'re hit!

The CAT grabs his \"injured\" right arm.

HOLLY: Hello!? For the 3000th time, you\'re hallucinating!? Can anyone

? hear me?!

* * * * *

RIMMER: This is a nightmare.? I\'m on the run from the fascist police with

? a murderer and a mass murderer and a man in a {Brie Nidel} shirt.? A

? flotsam, jetsam, human wreckage, sputum bag who smells like a yak

? latrine.? And now my best flashing mac\' is about to be splattered with

? an android\'s brain.? (To KRYTEN) I\'m after you with the gun.

LISTER: (Voice breaking) Yeah, count me in to.

CAT: Ditto.

KRYTEN: But there\'s only one bullet left!

CAT: Ah, we could put our heads together and the bullet could go down

? the line.

They all get close together with their heads in a line.? KRYTEN holds the

gun to his head.

Int. Starbug rear section.

KRYTEN is holding the cross-bow loaded with a bolt against his head as

the group stands in line waiting to be killed.

HOLLY: Kryten, I\'m broadcasting on a higher frequency.? Can you hear me

? now?!

KRYTEN: Did somebody say something?

HOLLY: You\'re hallucinating!? Put the gun down!

KRYTEN: I think I\'m going to put the gun down.

HOLLY: Walk forward three paces!

Ext. Totalitarian alley.

KRYTEN: I think I\'m going to walk forward three paces.

RIMMER: Well, he\'s cracking up.

KRYTEN: I\'ve a strange compulsion to pick up this fire extinguisher and

? twist the release wheel.

Int. Starbug rear section.

RIMMER: Have you quite finished being strange?

KRYTEN has a cannister of Lithium Carbonate in his hands.? He puts it

back down.

Ext. Totalitarian alley.

KRYTEN: I\'m sorry, sir.? I don\'t know what came over me.

They all put their heads together again, gun at the ready.

KRYTEN: OK?

LISTER: OK.

HOLLY: (VO) You\'re hallucinating!

The group of misfits looks startled.

Int. Starbug rear section.

HOLLY: You\'re hallucinating!

The group appears to be snapping out of it.

LISTER: What?!

HOLLY: I though you weren\'t going to make it!? Welcome Back to Reality!

LISTER: What happened?

HOLLY: You had a group hallucination!? Brought on by the ink from the

? despair squid.? You were about to commit suicide, just like the crew of

? the Esperanto, until the mood-stabilizer saved you.

RIMMER: The Lithium Carbonate!

LISTER: What?? We would have really killed ourselves?!

KRYTEN: Of course!? The hallucinations were designed to induce despair!

? To attack the very things we each consider quintessential to our self-

? esteem.

? Take Mr. Rimmer:? Back there he could no longer blame his failings and

? shortcomings on his parents because he shared an upbringing with you,

? sir, (Indicating LISTER) his richer, more important, half-brother.

? The Cat lost his \"Cool\" and life for him no longer had any meaning

? because he is so mind-meltingly shallow.

CAT: That\'s right, superficial _is_ my middle name.

KRYTEN: (To LISTER) And you, sir.? You have always prided yourself on

? being a good man; a man of moral courage.? So, when you thought you

? were a mass-murdering butcher in a totalitarian state:? despair.

? Despair destined to drive you over the edge.

LISTER: (To KRYTEN) And with you it was taking a human life.

KRYTEN: Precisely.

CAT: (Happily) I\'m not Dwane Dibbley?

KRYTEN: No.

RIMMER: (Disappointed) I _am_ Rimmer.

KRYTEN: (Sadly) I\'m afraid so.

Edited June 6, 2008 by Radioactive Isotope

[Tsl 7]

Haha! Best. Show. Evaar.

The Mr. Flibble episode being the bestest ^^

[Andy 60]

hehe... yup! :D