Lines and Quotes

[Chickenman 9]

*reads*

Who writes his speeches? :rofl:

[Andy 60]

:rofl:

This one's the best:

As you know, these are open forums: you're able to come and listen to what I have to say.

*steals* :D

[Radioactive Isotope 29]

and while we're on a political subject:

George Carlin Speaks Out...

I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American.

I am George Carlin.

I like big cars, big hooters, and big paychecks.

I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some midlevel governmental functionary with a bad comb-over who wants to give it away to crack addicts squirting out babies.

I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, you'd better do it in English.

I'm not in touch with my feelings and I like it that way.

I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child, it takes two parents.

I think owning a gun doesn't make you a killer.

I want to know which church is it exactly where the Reverend Jesse Jackson preaches. And where does he get his money. And why is he always part of the problem and not the solution.

I believe if she has her lips on your willie, it is sex, and it is sex for both of you. This even applies when you are President of the United States.

I think that being a student doesn't give you any more enlightenment than working at Blockbuster. In fact, if your parents are footing the bill to put your pansy ass through 4-7 years of college, you haven't begun to be enlightened.

I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God or gods, just leave the rest of us out of it. This also applies to sexuality.

I believe it's called the Boy Scouts for a reason.

I don't think being a minority makes you noble or victimized.

I don't use the excuse "it's for the children" as a shield for unpopular opinions or actions.

I think fireworks should be legal on the 4th of July.

My heroes are John Wayne, the Simpsons, and whoever canceled Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman.

I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor.

I know wrestling is fake and I don't waste my time arguing about it.

I think global warming is a big lie. Where are all those experts now, when I am freezing my ass through a long winter?

I've never owned a slave, or was a slave, I didn't wander forty years in the desert after getting chased out of Egypt, I haven't burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you, so shut up already.

I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry ass if you're running from them. I also think they have the right to pull your ass over if you are breaking the law, regardless of what color you are.

I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, I don't want you deciding who should be running the most powerful nation of the world for the next four years.

I think if you are in the passing lane, and not passing, your license should be revoked, and you should be forced to ride the bus until you promise to never delay the rest of us again.

I think beef jerky could quite possibly be the perfect food.

I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please don't pretend they are a political statement.

I think Dr. Seuss was a genius.

I'm neither angry nor disenfranchised, no matter how desperately the mainstream media would like the world to believe otherwise.

If that makes me a BAD American, then yes, I'm a BAD American.

If you too are a BAD American please forward this to everyone you know.

We need our country back!

amen brother!

[Chickenman 9]

I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, I don't want you deciding who should be running the most powerful nation of the world for the next four years.

:rofl:

[Ender 8]

:rofl:

HAIL GEORGE CARLIN!!!

[Radioactive Isotope 29]

and now for a post election toast (even though elections aren't till November)

The Election Is Over, The Results Are Known.

The Will Of The People Has Been Clearly Shown.

So Lets All Get Together And Let Bitterness Pass,

I'll Hug Your Elephant, And You Can Kiss My ASS!!!!!

[Roethlisberger 0]

Commissioner Charles Dreyfus: What about the maid?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: The maid?

Commissioner Charles Dreyfus: Was he jealous of her too? He strangled her.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: It is possible that his intended victim was a man and that he made a mistake.

Commissioner Charles Dreyfus: Mistake? ... in a nudist camp?

From A Shot in the Dark

[Chickenman 9]

The Election Is Over, The Results Are Known.

The Will Of The People Has Been Clearly Shown.

So Lets All Get Together And Let Bitterness Pass,

I'll Hug Your Elephant, And You Can Kiss My ASS!!!!!

:rofl:

[chozen 1]

Though...I don't think I'll call storytime and tell the story of the one they called The Korean Wigger....because I don't remember it.

Oh.. And I take much offence to the term WIgger. :p

[Roethlisberger 0]

From The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

Lunkwill: O great computer, the task we have designed you to perform is this: We want you to tell us the Answer.

Deep Thought (master computer): The answer to what?

Lunkwill: Life.

Fook: The universe.

Lunkwill: Everything.

Deep Thought: Tricky.  I'll have to think about it.  There is an answer

Lunkwill: There is?

Deep Thought: Yes.  But it will take a little while to find out. 

Fook: *looks impatiently at his watch* How long?

Deep Thought: Seven and a half million years.  Didn't I say I'd have to think about it?

*seven and a half million years later a huge crowd has come to hear the answer*

Lunkwill: Seven and a half million years has our race waited for this day.  The Day of the answer.

Fook:Never again, will we have to wake up and ask: what is our purpose in life? Who am I?  Will it even cosmically matter if I don't wake up and go to work this morning?  Today we will finally learn the plain and simple answer to these nagging little problems of Life, the Universe and Everything!

Deep Thought: Good morning.

Lunkwill: Uh, good morning.  Do you have an, uh...

Deep Thought: An answer for you? Yes I have!

Fook: There really is one?

Deep Thought: Yes

Lunkwill: And you'll tell us?

Deep Thought: I am

Fook: Now?

Deep Thought: Now.

*crowd cheers*

Deep Thought: Though, I don't think you're really not going to like it.

Lunkwill: Tell us.

Deep Thought: The answer to the Great Question...

Lunkwill: Yes?

Deep Thought: --of life, the universe, and everything...

Lunkwill: Yes?

Deep Thought: --is...

Fook: Yes?

Deep Thought: --is...

Lunkwill, Fook: Yes?

Deep Thought: Forty-two.

*thousands of jaws  drop*

[Ender 8]

:lol: Great book.

[Roethlisberger 0]

From Traffic

[Ray Castro is smoking]

Montel Gordon: You should really try a patch.

Ray Castro: Oh man, that s*** doesn't work.

Montel Gordon: It worked for my cousin.

Ray Castro: Yeah?

Montel Gordon: Well he had to wear about 6 at a time, but it worked.

Ray Castro: So how is he now?

Montel Gordon: Oh he's dead.

Ray Castro: He's dead?

Montel Gordon: It wasn't because of the patch, man.

Ray Castro: So how did he die?

Montel Gordon: His wife shot him.

[Andy 60]

"Everyone laughed when I told them I wanted to become a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now, are they?"

[Princess 35]

I'm not dumb enough to be a goalie

[CorSec 5]

"Everyone laughed when I told them I wanted to become a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now, are they?"

hahaha!

[Roethlisberger 0]

I was thrown out of N.Y.you. my freshman year for cheating on my metaphysics final, you know. I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me. When I was thrown out, my mother, who was an emotionally high-strung woman, locked herself in the bathroom and took an overdose of Mah-Jongg tiles. I was depressed at that time. I was in analysis. I was suicidal as a matter of fact and would have killed myself, but I was in analysis with a strict Freudian, and, if you kill yourself, they make you pay for the sessions you miss.

From Annie Hall

[chozen 1]

"Everyone laughed when I told them I wanted to become a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now, are they?"

you saw that off a bbc advert!

[Ender 8]

O'Neill: You know, Daniel, I really appreciate that it was you that came to see me, instead of the others. That was very thoughtful.

Daniel: Actually, we drew straws to see who would go. I lost.

~Stargate SG-1

[Andy 60]

"Everyone laughed when I told them I wanted to become a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now, are they?"

you saw that off a bbc advert!

No I didn't, actually. :p

[Radioactive Isotope 29]

:lol: well, at least he's honest

[Ender 8]

"Liberty will not long survive the total extinction of morals."

"As long as the people are virtuous they cannot be subdued; but when once they lose their virtue they will be ready to surrender their liberties to the first external or internal invader.... If virtue and knowledge are diffused among the people, they will never be enslaved. This will be their great security ."

~Samuel Adams

[Roethlisberger 0]

James Leer: Now, that is a big trunk. It holds a tuba, a suitcase, a dead dog, and a garment bag almost perfectly.

Grady Tripp: That's just what they used to say in the ads.

From Wonder Boys

[CorSec 5]

:lol:

[Roethlisberger 0]

From Wonder Boys

James Leer: Professor Tripp? Can I ask you a question?

Grady Tripp: Yeah, James.

James Leer: What are we going to do with... it?

Grady Tripp: I don't know. I'm still trying to figure out how to tell the Chancellor I murdered her husband's dog.

James Leer: You?

Grady Tripp: Trust me, James, when the family pet's been assassinated, the owner doesn't want to hear one of her students was the trigger man.

James Leer: Does she want to hear it was one of her professors?

Grady Tripp: ...I've got tenure.

Quotes from Arrested Development

[Complaining about a gay boat protest upstaging her husband's retirement party.]

Lucille: Everything they do is so dramatic and flamboyant. It just makes me want to set myself on fire.

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Lindsay Funke: You know, we're not the only ones destroying trees. What about beavers? You call yourself an environmentalist, why don't you go club a few beavers?

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[After Michael takes away a frozen Bluth banana from GOB]

Lucille: How much could a banana cost? Ten dollars?

Michael: You've never been to a supermarket, have you?

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Lucille: Everyone's laughing, and riding, and cornholing except Buster.

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George Sr.: Daddy horny, Michael.

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[Lucille is trying to convince Michael to take Buster off her hands]

Michael Bluth: Okay, he can hang out, but he's going to work. This is not going to be a day at the beach.

[The camera pans out to show that Buster's wearing beach clothes]

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Michael: We can't let my mother see you until she gets in here.

Wayne: Fine then, I shall hide behind the couch.

Michael: What a professional.

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[At the fair]

Michael: We can't let dad see you here with him.

Wayne: I shall hide behind that trashcan.

Michael: What a professional.

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Michael: Hey mom, there is a bowl of candy waiting in my office.

[Lucille enters and while the door is closing]

Wayne: I have a legal responsibility to tell you that there is NO candy in here.

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[Learning Michael burned down the Banana Stand]

George: I had $250,000 lining the inside walls.

Michael: Why didn't you tell me.

George: What the hell did you think I meant when I said that "there is always money in the Banana Stand!"

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[Michael is asked to take over the family business.]

Michael: I'm moving to Phoenix. I got a job.

[There is an awkward silence.]

Michael: Something you apply for and they pay you to... Never mind, I don't want to ruin the surprise.

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[After Maeby is given an elephant brooch from Lucille that Lindsay was supposed to recieve.]

Lindsay Funke: That was supposed to be mine.

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After being declined entrance in to a high end restaurant]

Lindsay Funke: Let's just go, I've suddenly lost my appetite.

Lucille Bluth: That's hard to believe.

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[After the publicist has just told the family that Michael is the most likeable member of the family]

Publicist: There are very few intelligent, attractive and straight men in this town.

Tobias Funke: Well, that leaves me out.

[silence, everyone stares]

Tobias Funke: She did say single, right? I-I-I thought she said single.

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Maeby Funke: You and I are so different. It's like we're not even related.

[she leaves]

George Michael Bluth: That would be amazing.

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Buster: We're excavating a pterodactyl.

[plainly shows a human skull; Buster accidentally hits and breaks it with a hammer]

Buster: That was 90% gravity.

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Lucille Bluth: Did that Mexican girlfriend of yours kick you out.

Gob: No, she didn't, and plus she's not Mexican, she's Colombian or something.

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Buster: No mother, I can blow myself. You've interfered for the last time.

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Lindsay: Michael, if this is a lecture on how we're all supposed to whatever and blah-blah-blah, well, you can save it, because we all know it by heart.

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[Gob is leaving his and Marta's house]

Marta: Te Quiero.

Gob: English, please.

Marta: I love you.

Gob: Great, now I'm late.

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[repeated line]

Gob: I've made a huge mistake.

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Gob: My gut is telling me no... but my gut is also very hungry.

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[as cops surround the docks and start shooting at drug dealers while fake stripper cops cower nearby]

Drug Dealer: You set us up!

Gob: No! These are the strippers! Look how hot they are!

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Armless man: Oh my god! My arm!

Michael: Oh my god, this guy's arm!

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[George Michael and Maeby are searching through the Bluth company files illegally]

George Michael: Fingerprints? You said they wouldn't be taking fingerprints!

Maeby: No, I said don't wear your mittens.

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[re:Carl Weathers]

Lucille: Guess who's coming to dinner?

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Tobias: I want something that says..."Dad likes leather!"

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[giving a toast]

Michael: To Buster and Lucille...

Buster: Don't forget my girlfriend!

Michael: That's who I meant.

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Lindsey: Nana's fine, she's been dead for six months.

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[holding up a pair of cut-off jeans]

Tobias: I don't do nudity! Why do you think I wear these?

George Michael: I was never really clear on that.

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George Sr.: You should have seen the face he made when - well, he's my twin brother, I'll show you!

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[on the phone]

George Michael: Hello, Bluth Company.

George Sr.: Talk me off, honey. Talk me off.

George Michael: Talk you off what, PopPop?

George Sr.: Oh, George Michael! I thought you were - when's that voice gonna drop? Put Kitty on the phone.

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[answering the phone]

George Michael: [very quickly] Bluth-Company-George-Michael-speaking-not-Kitty.

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Annyong: Annyong.

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Lucille: You tricked me.

Michael: I *deceived* you. "Tricked" makes it sound like we have a playful relationship.

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[getting off the phone with George Sr.]

Michael: What'd he say?

George Michael: Well, if I clean it up, it really isn't a sentence.

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[Gob has slept with a teacher he thought Michael liked]

Michael: Gob, Ms. Whitehead was the civics teacher. We both had her.

Gob: Yes we did, and now we're even.

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[Lindsay is trying to get rid of a replica of the Ten Commandments from the front of a courthouse]

Lindsay: I've always been passionate about the separation of church and state.

Michael: Oh, really? What are you going to do with them?

Lindsay: I don't know. Give 'em to a school!

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[buster has shown up at his father's hearing with a mariachi band]

Lucille: Oh, for God's sake. He's out of the house for two days and he joins a gang.

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Michael: What's the matter with you? Didn't you bag some woman you're never going to see again?

Gob: Well, I broke a couple of my own rules. She knows I'm Gob Bluth, and... we got married, and...

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Waitress: Plate or platter?

Lucille: I don't understand the question and I won't respond to it.

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Micheal: There's more to life than strippers and booze and buckets of blood. Why do you guys have buckets of blood?

Gob: It's not real blood. It's corn syrup and red dye... juice.

Buster: There's unlimited juice? This party is gonna be off the hook!

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Michael Bluth: Why are you squeezing me with your body?

Lucille Bluth: It's a hug, Michael. I'm hugging you.

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Mae 'Maebe' Funke: It all adds up. He stole somebody's hair, made a wig, knocked out the guard, tunneled his way through a sewer line, and then stopped to get a candied apple on his way to Mexico!

George Michael Bluth: Of course!

[pause]

George Michael Bluth: You're mocking me.

Mae 'Maebe' Funke: Of course.

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George Bluth, Sr.: Michael, this is my brother! Do you know what it's like to have a sibling who has no source of income except for you?

Michael Bluth: Just one? No. No idea. It sounds wonderful, though.

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Wife of GOB: I'm in love with your brother-in-law.

George Oscar 'Gob' Bluth: You're in love with your own brother? The one in the army?

Wife of GOB: No. Your sister's husband.

George Oscar 'Gob' Bluth: Michael? Michael!

Wife of GOB: No. That your sister's brother.

George Oscar 'Gob' Bluth: You're in love with me? Me.

Wife of GOB: I'm in love with Tobias.

George Oscar 'Gob' Bluth: My brother-in-law?

Wife of GOB: I know it can never be, so I'm leaving. I'm enlisting in the army.

George Oscar 'Gob' Bluth: To be with your brother?

Wife of GOB: *No!*

Edited April 16, 2004 by Fett the Escapist

[Roethlisberger 0]

Grady Tripp: She's a transvestite.

Terry Crabtree: You're stoned!

*beat*

Grady Tripp: She's still a transvestite!

Wonder Boys is such a great movie/book!