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Ongoing Crossover Comedy: Indiana Jones

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Commander's Note: I am crediting the start of this story to Winters because I was unable to write it myself due to time constraints, I merely gave him the first and last paragraphs and told him to connect the dots. Well done, Winters!

Setting: Pre-Vector Prime, so Chewie is still with us.

Indiana Jones thrust his torch into the dark passageway before practically diving boldly in behind it. He was moments away from yet another monumental discovery that would lead him to a startling archeological conclusion.... and fortune and glory... and women.

?Junior!? A voice yelled across the long, dark, damp, low, and cobweb riddled passageway. Indy was spooked into hitting his head on the top of passageway, squishing his hat on the ceiling, coating it in a thick layer of cobwebs? God, this guy doesn?t let me go, Indy thought.

?Yes dad?? Indy asked.

Footsteps echoed in the dig, running toward Indy. Indy shook his head, pulling his beloved Fedora off his head, dusting off the cobwebs. ?Indy!?

?Yes sir?? Indy asked, with the tiniest injections of sarcasm.

?You?re not going to do this without me!? said the old man that approached Indiana Jones. ?This find will be HUGE!? He said, blowing his arms up, hitting the ceiling of the passage and shaking out the sudden pain in his knuckles. ?Ow.?

?I know that Dad, I am here with you.? Indy turned around, rolling his eyes.

The two men continued walking cautiously down the tunnel. ?Walk behind me Dad, I don?t wanna lose you to something??

?Why should I? We have nothing to worry, these people?? Indy cut him off with a raised hand. There was a faint glow in front of them. ?What is it??

?From my experience with weird glows, not good.? Indy thought back to his experience with the Ark of the Covenant and Marion Ravenwood. It felt like ages ago. The two men continued to walk forward.

They entered a large, rectangular room with a long pool in the center, a narrow walkway making the perimeter, ending in a pillar, no more than four feet tall, at the far end of the room. Slowly, they descended the several steps leading to the pool.

?It?s very angular.? Indy said, looking at the room as a whole, however, his father was looking at the far end.

?Excalibur?? the father said, like a crazed drug addict, eyes getting wider every passing second. He crossed the distance to the small pillar, which happened to have a sword thrust through it.

Rather than acknowledge the sword, Indiana focused on the edge of the pool.

?Raised, shows that it was built in and a planned part of the building.? He looked even closer, ?Hieroglyphics, shows a level of craftsmanship?? He began walking the perimeter, taking notes in a small leather-bound book.

Dr. Jones the Elder examined the sword as if it were a bomb and he was trying to take it apart. Meanwhile, his son walked around the edge of the shimmering blue pool, muttering to himself. After several minutes of looking at the sword, the father reached for it. He wrapped his fingers around the cool steel of the hilt and the soft worn leather. He pulled it up, but it wouldn?t budge. He shifted his grip and pulled it toward him but again, it wouldn?t budge. He pulled even harder, but his grip was not as good as it used to be.

He fell backwards, toward the pool, where his son was looking down at the edge, making notes and muttering to himself.

?Dad?? but he was cut off; both Jones?, father and son, were knocked into the pool. However, it did not splash like a normal pool; they fell in right away, into nothingness.


Leia Organa Solo was relaxing in her bed aboard the Millennium Falcon. She was resting after one of her nights alone with Han, one of those famous nights that never failed to lodge itself in her memory. She rolled onto her side facing away from her side of the bed, her eyes closed in the bliss of doing nothing.

A loud thump resounded through the cabin, and Leia felt a body fall on the bed next to her. Han, she thought. Without opening her eyes, she laid a hand across his chest and felt clothing she didn?t recognize. ?Han, we?ve already did it tonight. Aren?t you tired?? She asked.

At last she opened her eyes and screamed in terror.

Han dashed back into the cabin to investigate the source of Leia's distress. "What's wr--" he stopped dead in his tracks and sized up the intruders. "What the hell are you doing in my bed?"

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Seated rather dazed and confused on the bed, Dr. Jones the elder looked from the screaming woman to the furious man in the doorway that looked suspiciously like his son. "Well that's a fine how-do-you-do. What the hell happened?"

"How in the name of the Nine Corellian Hells did you get on the ship!?"

Dr. Jones was suddenly angry enough to forget the strangeness of his surroundings. "Listen here, Junior. You may be rich and famous but I'm still your father!"

Han was taken more than slightly aback. Before he could respond a third male voice sounded from the floor on the other side of the bed. Dr. Jones the younger climbed to his feet, nursing a nasty bump on his head. "Dad, what are you yelling about? I'm over here and I didn't say--" He broke off when he saw the object of his father's displeasure. "Holy...."

In comically perfect unison, Han Solo and Indiana Jones fainted on the spot.

Dr. Jones looked back to Leia, who held the sheet around her body. He made a motion as if tipping a hat, which had fallen off. "Pleased to meet you."

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Leia swore under her breathe. She reached for a robe near her bed and pulled it toward her, covering the front of her body. "Who... who are you?" She asked the older man in the bed.

"Oh!" he rolled around the bed and took off his hat. "My name is Doctor Henry Jones. And that," he pointed at Han. "No, ahem, sorry," he then pointed to Indy. "Is my son, Doctor Henry Jones Junior." He smiled. "Forgive me about this... but would you happen to know what happened?" Leia was speechless.

"Dad?" Indy said. "I had the weirdest dream." He started to open his eyes and noticed the metal celing. "This... isn't a dream."

"Honestly Leia, I think I'm have a tumor or something, because..." Han started to get up. He then jumped up and pulled Indy off the floor. "Tell me who you are and why in the Force you look EXACTLY like me."

Indy smiled, "Hey, I don't know why I'm here, but if you put me down, I'm sure we can figure this out..." Han gave him a hard look, then put him down.

"First, you're telling me who you are."

"I am Doctor Henry Jones Junior." He pointed at his dad. "That is my father, Doctor Henry Jones senior..." he said, trailling off at the senior. It was at this moment, that Indy freaked out the most. Going through space and time was enough to test the nerves of Indy, who fought Nazis, Commies, and more... but this set him off. Chewbacca the Wookiee finally stepped in. "AHHH!" Indy jumped and ran to hide behind his dad, who oddly enough looked curious.

Chewie groaned. "It's ok Chewie.... everything's fine..." Chewie groaned again. "Yes... I know he looks like me..." Chewie continued. "He what...?"

"What... what did it say...?" Indy asked caucious.

"This is Chewbacca, show him respect." Han shook his head. "He said you smell like me... Just... stay still and don't run, please, he'll grab you." Chewie walked over and smelled Indy, then walked to Han and smelled him, and smelled Indy again. Chewie roared and flailed his arms around. "Woah boy, yeah, I know he's basically me."

"So... what in the world is happening...?"

"We don't know." Leia said. "All that we know is that you just popped out of nowhere..."

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"Well, what were you doing before we appeared?" Dr. Jones asked.

"I was lying down," Leia said.

"I was...busy," Han avoided.

Chewbacca growled.

Dr. Jones was taken aback. He looked to Han, then back to Chewbacca, then back to Han. He gave Han a dirty look. "You're a patsy, are you?"

Chewie shrugged apologetically at Han.

"That's why you had to leave?!" Leia cried

"I...what? No!...Of course not...no!...You speak Wookie?"

"Wookie? Of course. I'm an archaeologist. I'm supposed to know other languages," Dr. Jones explained.

Everyone paused to consider if that made sense or not.

It didn't.

"Han...is that why you never look at me anymore?" Leia asked, a tear forming at her eye.

"That's exactly why, Leia."

Leia wept to herself.

Han sat down next to her and took her hands in his.

"Did I do something wrong?" Leia sobbed.

"No. No, of course not...yes. Yes you did." Han tried to comfort her.

Leia burst into tears.

"Look, Leia...I need a set of chiseled abs, and you just don't have those."

"I'm pregnant!"

"Yeah. And it's gross."

She sobbed into the sheets once more before something dawned on her.

"Chewie has chiseled abs?"

"Oh yeah. Under the fur. He's also got about a dozen combs that got lost and an entire mini fridge."

Chewbacca immediately pulled the mini-fridge from out of his fur and passed around the beers packaged inside.

Leia stopped crying long enough to open hers and take a swig. She spit it back out. "Han!" She checked the Best By date. "These were supposed to be drank 5 Years before the Battle of Yavin. Which is odd, because we didn't go by that dating system until...well, the Battle of Yavin."

Han shrugged. "We've kind of been waiting for an opportunity to mention the mini fridge. But anyway, back to my infidelities."

Leia wailed.

Dr. Jones interrupted them. "Please! Let's please get back to the matters at hand!"

Everyone was silent.

"Now, again, what was everyone doing before we arrived here?"

"I was doing Chewbacca."

"I was resting, secure in my belief that my husband honored our marriage."

Chewbacca growled.

"You were doing Han, got it." Dr. Jones translated.

Leia wailed.

"Damn it woman! This is important!"

Everyone grew silent again.

"Now...what were you doing...before that?" he inquired.

"Why...I was having relations with my husband!"

"I was boning Leia."

Chewbacca growled.

"You were listening in?" Indy smiled. He high-fived Chewbacca.

"That's all I wanted to know!" Dr. Jones guffawed at his own joke.

"Why, I never!" shouted a Princess Leia who was definitely not amused.

"I bet you have!" Dr. Jones giggled again.

Leia pulled the sheets that much tighter in defense.

"Well...what were you two doing?" Leia asked.

"I was boning you."

"Not you!"


Indy spoke up.

"My father and I were searching for the lost sword Excalibur. The most powerful sword in all the land!"

"Not the most powerful." Dr. Jones reminded with a smile.

"Shut up, dad."

"Powerful sword?" Leia asked. She reached into a trunk that she kept beside the bed.

"Whoa, be careful opening that trunk!" Indy said, winking at the audience.

Dr. Jones gestured at Han. "Perhaps we should have him do it, it sounds like he has a lot of experience opening trunks!" He guffawed again.

Leia ignored them and opened it, revealing that the box was piled with lightsabers. Leia grabbed one at random and tossed it at Dr. Jones.

"A powerful sword, like this?"

Dr. Jones pressed a button, causing a beam of blue-white light to shoot out. Dr. Jones swung it experimentally a few times. One of those times, the blade connected with Indy's arm, severing it. Indy howled in pain.

Dr. Jones grinned. "Screw Excalibur, this is waaaaaay better!"

Leia shrugged. "You want it, keep it. There's so many in this galaxy nowadays I just use them to light cigarettes after sex. Coincidentally the only time I ever smoke."

Edited by Chickenman

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