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Ongoing Comedy: Where the Hell am I?

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Here it is, signed, sealed and delivered!

Here's the set up:

The time is right around Episode 3. However, to make this work, some facts have been changed:

  • Mace Windu survived the fall from Palpatine's window.
  • Padme did not go after Anakin on her own. She and Bail are going into hiding. Luke and Leia have not yet been born.
  • Anakin did not go to Mustafar. He is chasing Padme and the others with a small clone fleet. (so no Vader suit)
  • Mon Mothma is also going into hiding


  • Though I am normally opposed to it, we need location tags at the start of each post, unless you are continuing the last post with no scene switches or breaks in time
  • location tags should be Title Capitalized and in bold
  • The first post is the only serious one allowed to set the story. From now on, it's funny.
  • Keep the SW characters as close to familiar as possible (i.e., try to keep them from talking like earthlings unless for comic effect)
  • the humor should be situational and slapstick in nature (fictional characters are stranded on Earth, some of them with nerds like us that worship them. This is ridiculous and funny in itself. expand on that)
  • Forget that there ever was such a thing as canon because I totally just rewrote the entire saga in one giant post.

Helpful Links:

Edited by Mistress Pod

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Deep Space.

This was the moment that had only haunted Mace Windu?s most gruesome nightmares: the Jedi were outlaws, innocents wrongly accused of mutiny by a power-hungry Sith lord.

Mace guessed that Darth Sidious? clones would be looking for a group of Jedi traveling in a single ship, so he and Yoda had decided to split up their small group.

Lines slowed to stars as his light transport dropped from hyperspace. Yoda was strapped into his seat in the separate compartment of the cruiser. Mace could feel the old master?s careful awareness of their surroundings through the Force as they waited for their companions to emerge as well.

First to drop into real space was former Senator Bail Organa?s ship, carrying only himself and Padme Amidala. Obi-wan Kenobi?s fighter dropped next. Then, almost in unison, the cargo freighter carrying Master Quinlan Vos and his apprentice Aayla Secura emerged from hyperspace with the droid-piloted ship carrying Mon Mothma.

Careful awareness was the consensus of emotion among the Jedi; stony resolve from Mon Mothma and Bail Organa; fear, regret, and heartache radiated from Padme.

An alarm from the console brought Mace?s attention to the stars cape in front of him. A small fleet of clone ships materialized just out of firing range.

He didn?t want to use the comlinks but Mace felt he had to: ?Begin plotting your escape routes and jump as soon as you can. There?s no need for anymore bloodshed.? Double clicks signaled the others? confirmation.

?Attention, Jedi,? came the familiar clone voice over the broadcast frequency. ?You are ordered to power down all systems but life-support. Our tractor beams will bring you aboard for processing.?

No Jedi complied, and none responded. They were too busy feverishly calculating their next jump to hyperspace to respond to threats.

A new voice came over the com. ?Padme, I know you?re there. I can feel you. Tell Bail to do what the Colonel says. You won?t be hurt.?

Padme broke the silence. ?Anakin, how can you do this? You know the Jedi are good. You are a Jedi!?

Obi-wan barked over the com, ?Maintain communications silence!?

Anakin continued. ?Not any more. I am more powerful than a Jedi could ever dream to be. The Jedi have tried to take you from me, and so has the traitor Organa. They tried to assassinate the Chancellor!?

Padme?s voice was now choked with tears. ?No, Anakin, you must see it. The Chancellor has hijacked the entire galaxy. All that will follow is oppression, death, and misery. Can?t you understand that??

A moment later, a single fighter launched from the belly of the largest clone ship. Mace could sense Aayla target the fighter and Master Vos? restraining nudge. He knew as Quinlan did that they would be slaughtered as soon as a single blaster bolt was fired.

A great turmoil of raw anger poured uninhibited from the fighter. It was Anakin, and he was heading right for Bail Organa?s ship. The ship?s small docking arm was extending.

Obi-wan barked another order: ?Bail, lock your ship down!?

?I am,? he responded. ?Anakin keeps unlocking it!?

Now Mace Windu was contemplating the consequences of blasting Anakin right out of the sky. He knew that Bail Organa was as good as dead if Anakin got aboard that ship, and maybe Padme and her unborn child as well. Anakin had forgotten an important Jedi philosophy, and that is that the ends never justify the means. If he could slaughter a temple full of nearly-defenseless younglings, he could easily kill his wife.

Bail Organa gave Padme a despairing look when he heard Anakin?s fighter dock with his ship. ?Stay in the cockpit,? he told her, rising. ?And lock the door behind me.? He heard the click as she complied. Bail only had to walk half of the short distance to the airlock. Anakin was already aboard.

Bail put himself squarely in the younger man?s path and held his hands up at shoulder-height, palms towards Anakin. ?Please, don?t hurt her anymore. Her heart?s broken and she?s hardly eaten in days.?

Bail?s pacifying voice angered Anakin more. Anakin sidestepped and yanked Bail to the ground behind here he had been standing. He stood over him, not drawing his lightsaber but threatening nonetheless. ?You have fed her lies; you and Obi-wan both. You have stolen her from me! She knows that I love her and could never feel otherwise and you poisoned her mind! It was your lies that broke her heart, not me. You don?t understand?she will die without me to protect her!?

Still on the deck, Bail brought himself up on his elbows. ?Your rage will kill her, Anakin! Her heart is broken because she fears the one person she loves more than anything else. That was your doing. Not mine. Not Obi-wan?s. Yours!?

?Enough!? Anakin extended his right hand and ensnared Bail in a choking Force grip, lifting him off the ground and bringing him eye-to-eye. ?You cannot stand in my way. In this new Empire, I am the Judge, jury, and the executioner. You have been found guilty of sedition, Bail Organa, and I sentence you to death!? With a flick of the wrist, Anakin sent Bail flying through the airlock into his fighter. With another gesture, he activated the fighter?s self-destruct and disengaged it from the docking arm.

Anakin spun around and stalked into the cockpit, tearing through the locking mechanism with his lightsaber. Padme sat doubled over in the copilot?s chair, sobbing. All she managed to say through tears and clenched teeth was, ?How could you? How could you??

Anakin sat in the pilot?s chair wordlessly. Through the viewport he saw Mace Windu?s ship move to intercept the fighter. He fired a warning shot in front of the small cruiser. When it didn?t stop, he fired another shot, taking out the engines. ?Leave it be, Master Windu, and power down your ship,? he said into the com.

To his right, Padme finally faced him, tears staining her face. ?Anakin, stop this right now! Please!?

Anakin whirled around to meet her pleading gaze. ?Stop crying! You tried to abandon me!? The anger in his voice made her draw back. ?I wanted nothing but the galaxy for you and you would throw it all away!?

New alarms on the console brought their attention to the space in the middle of the small group of ships. The ship?s sensors had detected a hyperspace anomaly but no ships emerged from hyperspace. Instead a small blue cloud of gasses was materializing. Anakin noticed there was a spin to the cloud and as it spun, it increased in size and speed. It reached the doomed fighter first, catching the powerless vessel and spinning it into the vortex. It continued to expand and ship after ship was caught in the spin, unable to correct their vectors. As Bail?s ship became engulfed in it, Anakin discovered why. The cloud was deactivating the ships engines, shields, and weapons. As they spun into the center of the now conical cloud, Anakin realized that the life support systems were failing as well.

Anakin turned to grab the two air masks on the wall behind him, only to realize that when the ship had lost power, they had deactivated as well. He tried to com his ship, but to no avail. They were completely dead in space. He knelt in the narrow space between the seats at Padme?s side. He could feel the air growing thin and she was becoming disoriented. A wave of guilt suddenly passed over him; he really was going to kill her.

?Padme,? he whispered. ?I?m? sorry.? A heartbeat later her eyes closed and her body went limp.

Just before Anakin was plunged into unconsciousness, he felt through the Force Padme?s slowing heartbeat. He laid a hand on her belly and felt another in distress? two more in distress. His last conscious thought: My love would have given me twins.

An Alien Planet.

The impact shattered the cockpit canopy, flooding the small fighter with oxygen and awakening Bail Organa. He coughed laboriously, struggling to fill his lungs with the sweet air. Finally his vision cleared enough for him to assess his surroundings. He was in a field, surrounded on three sides by trees and what appeared to be a road on the other. He climbed out of the fighter, tried to stand, and immediately fell down.

At last oxygen made its way through his body and Bail was able to stand. He looked around him again and noticed a small group of humans approaching riding some sort of animal. A young woman that appeared to be the leader urged her animal to him and dismounted.

?What on earth happened to you?? She asked. ?And what is that thing?? She drew a step away from him. ?You aren?t one of those eco-freaks, are you? Is that some sort of hybrid proto-type? Because I can tell you right now, you won?t get far on asphalt without wheels.?

Bail tried his hardest to gather all of his diplomatic faculties and appear dignified. ?My name is Bail Organa. Where am I??

The young woman giggled. ?Maryland, duh.?

Bail noticed her entourage had caught up to her and drawn weapons, angling them at Bail. One dismounted and grabbed the girl, spinning her away from him.

One shouted at him. ?Step away from the vehicle and put your hands on your head!?

Bail did as he was told, more than a little confused. Had he done something wrong?

Another man dismounted his animal and peered into the crashed fighter. He spoke to the one that had made the order. ?Sir, we?ve got us an Area 51 situation on our hands!?

The girl burst into laughter. ?Honestly,? she said. ?You Secret Service agents and your paranoia. Let the poor guy go. He?s kinda cute in a Jimmy Smits sort of way.?

Elsewhere on the Alien Planet.

Yoda managed to remain conscious for the trip through the vortex, calling on centuries of Jedi training to slow his heartbeat to use less oxygen. The mysterious cloud and transported them above a small blue planet. The ship he and Mace Windu were on had broken apart shortly after entering the atmosphere, separating the two Jedi. Yoda?s half had splashed into the water near what he guessed was the southeastern tip of a small continent.

Yoda escaped the sinking half-a-ship through a break in the viewport and began swimming to shore. He was nearly to the beach when a small boat came by carrying a single human male. Yoda placed a hand on the edge of the boat and pulled himself up so he could see in. ?Excuse me,? he said.

The man in the boat screamed and nearly capsized the vessel. ?AHH! What the--?!??

?Please calm down, you must. In need of assistance, I am.?

The only response the man managed was an open-mouthed nod.

Yoda climbed into the boat. ?Thank you. Call me Yoda, you can.?

The young man nodded. ?Ned.?

Yoda nodded in response. ?Ned. Tell me, can you, what this place is called??

Ned blinked twice and tilted his head. ?Uh. Sydney. Is this a joke? Am I on camera or something??

Yoda gave Ned a confused look.

Elsewhere Still on the Alien Planet.

Mace Windu found himself lying flat on his back when he regained consciousness. The fingers of his left hand tightened around long blades of soft grass. The fingers of his right hand tightened around something squishy. He turned his head to his right. And brown. And foul-smelling. It didn?t take the Force to know what he was laying in.

Mace groaned and laid his head back down and looked up and found himself nose to nose with the huge beast he suspected had made the brown, squishy pile. He cocked an eyebrow at the creature. ?Hello.?

The big mouth of the thing opened and spoke. ?Moooooo.?

Mace maintained a stony calm. ?I?m sorry. Do you speak Basic??

?Mooooo,? was all it said.

Mace climbed to his feet, trying to fling the excrement from his hand.

?Oooooooh-wee!? The voice of a young woman turned him around. ?Man, you need a good hosin? down! Ain?t your mama never tell you not to lay down in cow pies? Oh well, welcome to Kentucky, right? Name?s Lorelei. And these are my daddy?s cows you?re scaring.

?I?m Mace,? he said. ?You called this place Kentucky??

Still Elsewhere on the Alien Planet. (Yes we know it?s Earth!)

Quinlan Vos awoke to find himself in a dark, deserted alley. Aayla was trapped in her crash webbing, but a quick slice with his lightsaber freed her. ?Are you alright?? She nodded her affirmative and stood.

A moment later a young man came running into the alley with a notebook in one hand. ?I was in the pub and I saw the whole thing! Name?s Alexander, I?m with the BBC. I?ve got a crew on the way to film the crash site. Wait! Don?t move. Do you need a doctor? No you?re fine. Tell me, what happened right before you lost control of the plane??

Quinlan and Aayla exchanged confused glances. Quinlan spoke first. ?Alexander, was it? Where are we? And what are those sirens??

?Oh that?s just Glasgow?s finest. You made quite a racket when you landed.?

A Cotton Field on the Alien Planet.

Obi-wan Kenobi emerged from his fighter and put a hand to his forehead. He pulled away a little blood, but nothing to be worried about. He stood and scraped his hand on a sharp leaf of the dark purple and white plants surrounding him.

A light blue, land-bound vehicle came speeding towards him, stopping less than a meter from him. A young mad of about fifteen hopped out.

?Man, how?d you get way out here??

?Excuse me??

?Whoa, you ain?t from around here, are ya? Are ya lost??

Obi-wan nodded. ?Yes, actually, I am. Can you tell me where we are??

?Shoot, brother, I know it?s a small town but it ain?t that hard to find on a map. You?re in Tishamingo, Mississippi.?

Obi-wan repeated the name slowly. ?Tishamingo? What?s in Tishamingo?

The boy laughed. ?You, me, about five hundred people, and twice as many acres of cotton!?

?And who are you??

?I?m Donny. Come on and get in the truck. Mama?s got ribs on the grill.?

An Empty Lot on the Alien Planet.

Excited screams brought Mon Mothma back to awareness. She struggled out of her crashed ship. Her droid had been fried when the ship lost power. The screams came from a group of people gathered around a large fire. Unsure of what to do, she ducked behind her ship until she came up with a plan of escape. These people could be loyal to Palpatine, after all, and she was a fugitive.

She sat in the dirt and looked away from the fire at a very small blue structure, just big enough for a human to stand in. A moment later a young women emerged, showing definite signs of intoxication.

?Whatcha doin? hiding over here?? The woman said. ?The party?s this way! And don?t worry about knowing anybody. My name?s Chelsea, so you know me now.? She grabbed Mon by the arm and dragged her to the fire.

?Where are we going?? She asked, almost afraid of the answer.

?Only the best party in Michigan!? She shouted to someone. ?Hey, get this chick a beer!?

On a Small Continent on the Alien Planet.

Anakin was relieved to find Padme unhurt. A probe with the Force into her womb revealed that the babies were miraculously alive as well. She was still unconscious, but otherwise safe. Anakin stood and picked her up, carrying her out of the wreckage. He laid her gingerly on the ground, still cradling her. ?Padme,? he whispered. He stroked her cheek and said her name again, more loudly.

Finally she stirred. ?Anakin?? She said weakly.

?I?m here.?

?Anakin, I?m so hungry.?

He smiled. ?Let?s find you something to eat. Do you think you can walk??

Padme sat up slowly and awkwardly. ?I think so. Just help me up.?

Anakin stood and pulled her to her feet, steadying her as she wobbled. ?There?s a town over there. It?s not far.?

Padme leaned heavily on Anakin, but they were to a small thoroughfare within a quarter of an hour. A man stopped his vehicle and jogged over to them. ?My God, are you two alright?? He helped Anakin support Padme, leading them to his vehicle.

?We will be,? Anakin said. ?Do you know where we can find something to eat? My wife is nearly starving.?

?Sure thing,? he said. ?My name is Arron, by the way. Come, get in my car. I was just on my way home, I?ll take you to get some supper.?

The men helped Padme into the car, then hopped in themselves. ?My name is Anakin. This is Padme.?

?Thank you for your help, Arron,? Padme said.

Arron glanced back into the back seat at them as he pulled back into traffic. ?Anakin and Padme? You?re joking, right??

Anakin shook his head slowly, not quite understanding. ?Um. No.?

Arron shrugged it off. ?There?ve been stranger things I suppose. Right.?

Anakin looked out of the windows and finally asked the burning question: ?Where the hell are we??

Edited by Mistress Pod

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Sydney, Australia

"It's all those long office hours...It has to be. You are a hallucination."

Ned was walking down an only deserted street after leaving the pier. He was thankful that it was still a couple hours before the big lunch rush. Just in case that little green.. thing was real.

"Hallucination?" Yoda patted himself down. "No, real I am."

Maybe he was from Mars. People were always saying that little green men lived there. But somehow, they always seemed a lot... cuter in those images. Ned glanced down at the thing that called itself Yoda. Yeah, definitely not very cute alien man-like.

"Well, whatever you are, you.. you troll, elf thing... I'm taking you to my apartment. No way you're coming to the embassy with me."

Yoda nodded and followed Ned, leaning on his walking stick.

A few minutes later, Ned was sneaking Yoda into his small apartment and locking the door behind him. "Okay, I can hide you here. Until I figure out where the hell you came from. And how to get you out of here."

Yoda hobbled into the center of the room, where he spotted Violet, Ned's white cat. His eyes lit up and he ran over to her, dropping his stick, emitting an "Ooooh!"

"Wait! No!" Ned yelled as Violet was squeezed tightly in Yoda's arms. "Violet!"

But to Ned's surprise, his cat was actually pretty calm. "Strange.." Violet hated every other person who came into his apartment, a few number, but it happened. Of course, this Yoda was hardly a human being. At least he thought so.

Yoda sat on the couch while Violet purred. Ned sighed and sat in a chair. "Are you from Chernobyl by any chance?"

"What is this Chernobyl you speak of? Help is there?"

"No.. no.. Uh, nevermind. Do you eat food? Are you hungry?"

"Food! Yes. Yoda can eat."

"All right. I'll get you something. Violet needs to eat as well."

Ned was about to open the fridge to find Yoda something, when he spotted Yoda and Violet sharing the cat dish. "Umm.." He shrugged and opened another tin of food and brought it over to Yoda.

"Mmm... good this is."

"If you say so..."

Yoda quickly scraped his plate and looked up at Ned. Violet had crawled into the little green man's lap. "Now, to business we must."

He pointed a finger at Ned. "Yoda comm home."

Tishamingo, Mississippi

"Boy, who'd you drag in?" Donny's mother called hearing her son's noisy broken down truck come into the yard. "You ain't alone in that thing!"

He jumped down out of the truck, leaving Obi to fend for himself. "I found a man in the cotton field, Mama!"

"You found a man?" She quickly crossed herself and moved from the grill, muttering, "Praise the Lord."

"Uh huh!" He pointed towards the red truck where Obi-Wan was just stepping out of and brushing dust off his Jedi robes. "He said he had never heard of Tishamingo, Mama."

"Strange..." Donny's mother couldn't take her eyes off the vision of a man before her. Every since Donny's father ran off with a waitress a town over five years ago, she had been left to fend off Donny's antics all alone.

"Yeah, he says his name is Obeer-run Canape or something. Are the ribs done yet?" He ran over to the grill to check the meat."

Obi-Wan nodded at the woman. "It's Obi-Wan Kenobi, actually. Your son seems to not have a very good grasp of Basic."

"Oh, don't worry 'bout him. He's in the awkward years. Very awkward." She smiled wide.

"Yes, I can see that." The gangly boy was now running through the yard chasing a grasshopper.

"Name's Rita, Mr. Canape."

"It's Ken--Yes, nice to meet you... Rita. You can call me..." Obi-Wan glanced around and spotted a box of rice on the table. "You can call me Ben."

"All right, Ben, you hungry?"

Obi-Wan nodded and followed Rita to the table.

"Mama, I caught a grasshopper!" Yelled Donny. "We can add it to the salad!"

Edited by Mara

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Glasgow, Scotland

Quinlan looked around suspiciously at his surroundings. "It wouldn't be good if the authorities found us here. We're kind of, uh, wanted. By clones. Haven't seen any of them around, have you?"

Alexander responded with a raised eyebrow. "Not if sheep suddenly started walking." He looked at Aayla, who seemed to be looking for any possible escape. "Some tattoo job there, love! Never seen it go all over the body before. And your hair, as well! Very interesting. I take it you're from out of town?"

Aayla blushed at the compliments. Quinlan's eyes rolled. One thing that he hadn't yet cured her of was vanity.

She took a deep breath. "Well, you see, when I was a little girl..." At that moment, the first of the police cars rolled up to the alley. The Jedi's eyes widened.

"Escape!" both of them yelled, and were gone in the blink of an eye, leaving Alexander standing bemused as police officers swarmed past him in futile pursuit. Alexander could smell a good story, though, and this one smelled like 80 year old scotch. Retreating back to the pub, Alexander ordered another pint and dialed his mobile phone.

"Hello, Guy Ritchie?" Alexander said. "Yes, it's me. I need your help."

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Radioactive Isotope


"Yup. This here is the Bluegrass State, home of the best fried chicken in the world, burbon, and a'course the Wildcats," Lorelei said chipperly.

Mace could feel a headache coming on. This was a very strange place with even stranger people. Or maybe it was the smell radiating from his clothing. He couldn't tell. "You live here?"

"Here on the farm, no. I'm jus' visitin' for the weekend. I actually live in the city a few hours from here for school. I could give you a lift there if you like. The phone at the house doesn't work and cell reception sucks out here."

"That would be most generous of you."

She cocked and eyebrow at him. "Sure thing. But Mama's never gonna let you in her house smellin' like that. C'mon. There's a faucet out back."

Mace grudgingly followed. Somehow he didn't think she was kidding about that "hosin' down."

Edited by Pirate King

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Kidderminster, Worcestershire, United Kingdom

Arron drove in silence awhile before answering Anakin. "Kidderminster." When he saw the blank look on the man's face through the rearview mirror, he added, "Er, in the U.K. Uh, England."

Anakin glanced at Padme and shrugged. Padme spoke up in her diplomatic way. "Ah, yes. We know this England. Anakin just gets lost and confused sometimes." She smiled to reassure Arron.

"Uh, right. Well, we can stop here for some food. I don't think Mum and Dad'll appreciate unannounced guests." The car pulled to a stop in front on a building with big yellow arches.

They walked in, and after much staring at the menu screen, Padme and Anakin ended up ordering three Big Mac meals and one Quarter Pounder meal, respectively.

But when Anakin reached into his robe and pulled out some credits Arron didn't recognize, he ended up paying for their food.

"Are credits no good here?" Anakin asked as they went to a table.

"Well... not that kind of credit. Has to be plastic. Like this." Arron pulled out his wallet and showed Anakin a credit card. "It's a credit card. Easier than real money."

"So that is for those outer rim places where they do not accept regular credits. I see." Added Padme. "How does this plastic stuff work?"

Arron begun a long (way longer than it should have been because he kept having to repeat things) discussion on how credit cards worked and how they were not at all related to whatever those coins where they had. All the while, Padme consumed all three of her Big Macs, fries and sodas.

Camp David, Maryland

Amber had persuaded the agents to let her hang out with Bail, as long as one was in the room or right outside the door at all times. She honestly could not believe it. What would a guy like that do with a 16-year-old girl like her?

She wanted to introduce him to her dad, but he was busy in meetings with some random diplomats or presidents or whatever, she didn't pay attention. So then she took him to the basement of the building where she had created a fun room. Well, a fun room for her and no one else.

It was just her and Bail, except for the one man in black waiting at the top of the stairs. He had seemed a bit confused, especially when the agents had jumped him and cuffed him. To make up for it, she was teaching him some well needed skills.

"No, it's square, square, triangle.. not triangle, square, triangle... Here, let me show you." Amber grabbed the controller from Bail and her little fingers sped over the buttons.

Bail saw the simulated woman on what looked to him to be a shoddy holovid screen pound the living daylights out of some... What did she call them? Oh, zombies.

"See? It's easy!" She handed him the controller again.

"I will.. give it another go." He concentrated real hard, pushing the buttons slowly in order to make sure he got all the actions right. The character on the screen was slowly dying to match up for him. Bail wrinkled his forehead in concentration, which was hard because Amber was rolling across the floor laughing at his "skills."

The screen flashed "ZOMBIES WIN. YOU LOSE."

Amber giggled. "Maybe we should try something else. Come on." She went over a cabinet and rustled around in it.

Bail started getting scared when the girl was giggling again, but it sounded more like evil giggles.

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That Same Lot in Michigan

Mon Mothma gazed down at the aluminum can in her hand then gazed around at her new companions. To say she were nervous and uncertain would have been an understatement, she decided. All of the people around the campfire--young people, she realized, some barely eighteen and all definitely under thirty--held similar drinking vessels. The males were guzzling theirs down saveagely. Some crushed the can on their foreheads. Many of the females draped themselves over the males in a manner comepletely lacking in propriety. The entire display seem incredibly barbaric to Mon Mothma, but apparently average and acceptable to those around her.

Even so, Mon Mothma reminded herself. These people have taken me in as a guest and I should be careful not to offend them. With a shrug, she knocked back a gulp of the amber liquid and swallowed hard. The taste was... unusual. It reminded her of her one experience with an exotic ale when she was a junior representative half a lifetime ago. The flavor though, was nowhere near as pleasant.

Chelsea, who showed even more signs of intoxication than before leaned towards her and slurred, "How's that Bud Lite treatin' ya', Red?" Her breath smelled of alcohol. When she threw an empty can onto the fire that was identical to the one Mon Mothma nursed, she understood the reason.

Mon Mothma nodded. "Yes, very well."

Chelsea pointed a wavering finger at her. "Listen, Red. You gotta learn to loosin' up a little. You're too much on the uptightedness." She motioned to Mon's beer. "Now hurryup and finnish that one so I can gets you-a 'nother."

Mon raised her eyebrows nervously and took another cautious drink. Someone's going to need a new liver before this night is over, she mused.

Edited by Mistress Pod

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Darth Marius


As Anakin finished the last of his food, Padme sat back in the hard, plastic chair, holding her swollen belly. The babies kicked her and she felt a sharp pain pierce her stomach. When the pain didn?t subside, Padme thought it best to speak up.

?Anakin?.? She winced as the pain hit her again. ?I think?? She couldn?t get the rest of her sentence past her clenched teeth, just gestured to her stomach.

Anakin jumped to his feet, rounded the table, and knelt by her side. "It's time?"

Padme let out a small yelp and nodded.

Finally realizing what was happening, Arron lept from his chair, sending it sailing behind him with a loud thud. He was clearly panicking. "Oh my God! What do I do?"

Apparently hearing the commotion, the manager emerged from the back. "Is everything alright?" He took one look at Padme andsaid, "Whoa! Bloody hell!" He stuck his head over the counter. "Andy, where's the nearest hospital?"

An unseen yet strangely familiar voice came from the back. "About ten kilometers south of here."

The manager looked again to Arron. "Did you get that?"

Arron nodded, on the verge of hyperventilation. "Ten kilometers south. What do I do?"

By now Padme was standing with the help of Anakin. She grabbed the collar of Arron's shirt, yanking him savagely down to her eye level. When she spoke it was more of a growl than words. "Take me there!"

Arron swalloed hard and nodded vigorously. "Yes, ma'am." The two men moved as if someone chased them with a whip. Anakin helped Padme into the backseat of Arron's car. Arron took off like a Jawa out of a hungry Tusken Raider convention.

It was only after Padme's pains worsened that Anakin wished he wasn't holding her hand. With one agonizing squeeze, Padme had his good hand mangled to the point that he seriously considered a second prosthesis.

"Ow, ow, honey, you're hurting me!" He pulled his hand away and tried to flex his fingers.

That single sentence invoked the wrath of the dreaded hormonal pregnant monster.

Padme turned a dagger-shooting glare at her husband. "Excuse me?" Her eyes narrowed as she snarled at him. "I'm hurting you? So you think it's pleasant having not one but two babies trying to force their way out of you? And let's not forget who put them there in the first place!" With that she shoved him away from her and retreated to the other side of the backseat... a full eight inches away from him. Her next outburst was directed to Arron.

"Are we there yet?!"

Arron was just turning into the emergency entrance of the hospital. Padme's scream made him lose focus and he ended up parking with two tires on the curb.

Anakin scrambled to help Padme out of the car as a nurse came to meet them with a wheel chair.

"I'll be right there with you the whole time," Anakin said

"No you won't." Padme was crying now. "You were mean to me. You don't get to go in with me!"

Not wanting to leave her, Anakin tried to follow her anyway. A nurse pushed him and Arron back to the waiting area.

"I'm sorry, sir," she said, "but he have to respect her wishes. You'll have to wait here."

Arron, who had calmed down considerably, sat as he was instructed. Anakin stalked impatiently from one end of the room to the other.

Arron watched him for several minutes until he couldn't take it anymore. "I tell you what," he said, leaning to one side and pulling out his wallet and producing a four coins and handing them to Anakin. "Go get us two Cokes from that machine around the corner."

Anakin took them and found the machine. He fed the coins into the slot one at a time. And one at a time, they fell straight to the bottom of the coin return tray. Anakin fished them out and tried again, getting the same result. He tried again and again and again. He pushed each of the buttons and nothing happened. He kicked the machine, gently at first. His anger got the best of him and he kicked it repeatedly, each blow more forceful than the last.

After he toe began to throb and the machine and still produced no response, he drew his lightsaber and in one great slash sliceed the machine straight down the middle, spilling bottle and coins all over the floor. Anakin replaced his lightsaber to its place o his belt, stooped down, picked up two bottles with one hand and some of the money in the other.

Anakin strode calmly back to Arron and handed him one of the bottles. "Here's your drink. And here's your change." Arrond held out his hand and Anakin poured ten pounds worth of coins into it. Anakin seated himself next to Arron and the two men sat in silence for a moment.

Arron cleared his throat. "So..." he said nervously. "Your name is Anakin, right?"

Anakin nodded.

"Let me guess. Your last name is Skywalker."

Anakin nodded again and took a swig of his Coke.

Arron nodded and stood.

"Where are you going?" Anakin asked as he took a few steps away.

"Oh just to take a walk. And to see about getting my head looked at." Arron slowly rounded the corner he had sent Anakin around after the drinks. No sooner had he disappeared behind the wall than Anakin heard him exclaim, "What in God's name!"

Anakin chuckled to himself and took another drink.

A moment later a doctor came out to speak with another man in the waiting area. "Sir, I have great news," he said to the stranger. "Your wife is fine. She just had gas. No babies going home with you today, but your wife will be out shortly." The other man seemed relieved as the doctor went back through the door he'd emerged from.

Anakin had nearly finished his Coke when another doctor came out to speak with Anakin, who rose to meet him.

The doctor cleared his throat and swallowed before he spoke. "Sir, I'm afraid I have some good news and some bad news. Which do you want first?"

Anakin considered the options. "The good news, please."

"Well, the good news is that you are the proud father of a healthy baby boy."

Anakin nodded, dreading the bad news. "And the bad?"

The doctor sighed. "I'm afraid your wife didn't make it. I'm so sorry. We'll bring you to the nursery to see your son soon."

Anakin's eyes burned with tears. "What about the other baby? My wife was having twins."

The doctor's eyes widened. "Twins?" He began backing slowly towards the door. "Um... hold on just a minute." He turned around and fled back through the double doors. Anakin could hear him yelling instructions as he ran. "Cut her open, there's another baby!"

As soon as the door shut, Padme appeared through them, staring after the panicking doctor. She looked at Anakin, who was sobbing now and nodded towards the doctor, unconcerned. "What's with him?"

Anakin rushed to Padme and kissed her. "Oh my love, you're alright! I thought you were dead!"

Padme gave him a quizzical look. "Um no. I wasn't even in labor, apparently those burgers we ate were really greasy." She let out an un-lady-like belch. "Oops, excuse me. But otherwise I'm fine."

Anakin smiled with relief and pulled Padme into a close embrace."

The other man in the waiting area was apparently listening in and jumped up. "Wait a second. If your wife is fine, then that means...."

Having heard the commotion, Arron came back to the waiting area. He looked at Padme and then looked at the sobbing stranger on the other side of the room. "False alarm, I see. What's eating that guy?"

Anakin smiled. "He's a dad."

Edited by NinjaJedi

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"Come home? You haven't come home! Have you?" Ned was getting super confused now. He had been hoping for a quiet day off of work, but now it had gone all to hell.

"No, Yoda comm home."

"Come? What?"


Ned wasn't really the swearing type--he was pretty mild-mannered--but everyone has their breaking point, and he had had plenty of time to absorb some nice words from his boss the Ambassador. He had always thought that the stupidest Americans were the ones who became tourists to Australia. It was the only explanation for their dumb questions. And Ned had dutifully fended them off and sending only the few necessary ones to speak to the Ambassador.

"Comm." Yoda repeated. "Contact my friends, I must."

"It's 'come'!" Ned threw up his hands and then buried his face in them. "Oh, ewok it." He hadn't heard--or wanted to hear--Yoda's explanation. He was sick and tired of all this. Of this ... thing... that probably escaped from Area 51.

"Ewoks?" Yoda asked. "Ewoks there are here?"

"What? No! I don't know what you're talking about!"

"On Endor, we are?" Yoda was extremely patient and understanding. He had to be, being a Master for so long. He felt like he was dealing with another youngling, a very angry and impatient one. It was almost like a vision of the future...

"No, this is Sydney! Sydney, Australia." Ned was completely sober, but now he thought was a good time to break that promise. Some beer sounded really good.

Yoda sat quietly, stroking Violet. He wasn't sure what technology these people had. Obviously there was no comm system; he hadn't seen one in the room. And since he had lost his personal commlink during the crash, there was no way for Yoda to get in touch.

Well, of course, Yoda had the Force. He knew where they were, but not where. He would need the others to come to him. He couldn't allow Anakin any more power. They needed to make sure Padme was safe away from him. It might be another galaxy, but without Palpatine to keep him in check, Anakin might try to take over this galaxy. It was not a risk Yoda wanted to take.

Ned was thankful that the green thing was being quiet. Maybe he was finally realizing the truth about what he was telling him. Though, he looked like one of those villians, the way he was petting Violet. It creeped him out.

Something came to him: What if this Yoda thing really was an escapee from Area 51? Was there some breach of national and maybe international security? What could he do? Ned was on the verge of thinking that he might have to contact the Ambassador--the closest person he knew who was in the government, maybe he had contacts--even though it was his day off, and ask him what to do with this green alien, when it spoke up.

"Have a computer, do you?"

Ned blinked his eyes. At least that was something he knew. Was Yoda just making things up earlier? "Not here, but I have one down at the Embassy..." he answered.

"There you will take me."

"Ok--wait! I can't take you down there! That's in the middle of the city. If someone saw you..."

Yoda was a little afraid of being seen by the enemy, by Anakin, but he didn't let it show. This human seemed resourceful enough. He hugged Violet a little closer; she purred. "Help me, or mine the animal is."

"What? No, she's mine... I..." Ned could tell by Yoda's look that he wasn't getting anywhere. He sighed. "Okay, okay...We'll go down there. I'm sure I have a big backpack somewhere you could hide in..."


Mace was now quite wet but clean and drinking something that the young woman's mother had called "tea." He had had Corellian tea before, but this tasted completely different. It was good. It was almost like the nectar of the gods that those crazy people on his home planet of Haruun Kal talked about. Mace Windu smiled.

Lorelai came bounding back in the room dressed in fresh clothes herself. While trying to hose Mace down, she had gotten herself a bit wet. The cleanin' up had turned more into a big water fight than a haphazard shower. She picked up a small bag and something that jingled and grinned at Mace.

"Ready to go into town?"

He gulped down the rest of his tea and stood up. Mace thought he would have to stash his Jedi robe somewhere. He would want to blend in a bit more. So he stripped down to his tunic, trousers and boots and stuffed his Jedi attire in the trunk of Lorelai's ... she had called it a car, before getting in. He had glanced around and found no repulsors. How would the car get off the ground?

Lorelai started up the car, backed down the driveway and sped off down the gravel road. Mace was glad he had strapped himself in. He gripped the sides of his seat as the car bounced down the road. Repulsors or not, the car was flying. But it was a lot rougher than he had ever flown. Turbulence times ten.

Mace wasn't smiling so much anymore.

Camp David

Bail stared at the strange black box as Amber hooked into the larger box she had called a TV earlier. He wasn't sure what it was for, but it looked like it had a giant commlink attached to it. His eyes lit up; he could call for help!

"Hey, not yet! I haven't even turned it on yet!" Amber yelped playfully. "I didn't realize you loved karaoke so much!" She giggled, "I like to sing really loud when Daddy has world leaders over."

"Karaoke?" Bail asked. It sounded like some kind of Hutt delicacy to him, but Amber had mentioned something about singing. He wasn't one to brag, but he had been pretty good in his younger days, partaking in a young politician's quartet way back then. Either way, it should be better than that blasted hologame she had him play.

The machine turned on and the TV lit up, ready for lyrics to be displayed. Amber flipped through a booklet.

"What do ya want to sing? Oh, I know!" She handed Bail a second microphone and plugged it in.

He glanced at it. This was no comm...

Amber typed in the code for the lyrics. She giggled as the opening notes flooded the room and started belting out the song slightly off-key:

"If you want it to be good girl

Get yourself a bad boy..."

She poked Bail as he stared in horror at her and the lyrics. "Come on, sing with me!" Amber giggled and started up again. Bail sighed and joined in with her, singing in unison.

"If you want it to be wild

Gotta know just who to dial baby (that's me)

If you really like it hot

Find someone who hits the spot honey (oh yes) ..."

By the end of the song, Bail was really feeling it. He felt so young and alive now. He even stood up and danced around the floor with Amber as they sang.

The little black box clicked and new lyrics appeared on the TV as the music started up. Amber giggled even more as she tried to sing it an octave lower.

"Well, I walk into the room

Passing out hundred dollar bills

And it kills and it thrills like the horns on my Silverado grill

And I buy the bar a double round of crown

And everybody's getting down

An' this town ain't never gonna be the same...."

Bail sang his heart out along with Amber as the chorus started.

"Cause I saddle up my horse

and I ride into the city

I make a lot of noise

Cause the girls

They are so pretty..."

In the background, the secret service agent turned down his earpiece and pulled out some earplugs from his pocket to jam in his ears.

Edited by Mara

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Field in Michigan

Chelsea was tanked. She could barely stand, so she was leaning on Mon Mothma. "Hey! I got an idea! Let's all go into work and test our blood alcohol levels! The person with the highesht level winsh!" Everyone cheered as they piled into the cars. "Wait a minute! New girl, you're the only sober one! You can drive!" Chelsea threw the keys to Mon Mothma and hopped into the passenger seat.

Mon Mothma stared at the controls. She hadn't driven a speeder in years, since she became a full senator she'd always had a driver. And this thing had wheels. She'd never been in anything like it before. She blinked. "Ok, this ignition key must go into the hole, right?"

"Drive woman!" One of the drunks yelled from the back seat. "Put the key into the ignition, put it in gear and move it!"

Mon Mothma was shaking as she placed the key into the ignition. She studied the controls for a minute, turned the key, slowly put the car in gear and as she touched the gas the car lurched forward, faster than she expected. She spun the wheel quickly and just barely missed a tree. It took a minute or two, but she got the hang of it by the time they made it to the road. "I can do this!"

Chelsea leaned over, the stench of alcohol heavy on her breath. "Wait! Before we go test our blood alcohol levels, let's go to Taco Bell! I'm hungry!"

Everyone cheered and Mon Mothma paled. This Taco Bell sounded unhealthy.

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Darth Marius


Mace held on tightly to anything he could find, gritting his teeth against the jarring of the speeding car. He was thankful that he hadn't eaten much that day.

Lorelei had some music playing on the device she called a stereo. it was loud and strange. Not entirely unenjoyable, but loud. And lorelei was singing along to it.

Mace generally tried to avoid acting like a mutineering copilot, but as Lorelei approached a large hole in the road, he couldn't restrain him self: "Watch out!" He tightend his grip on the handle above the door, and prepared him self for the worst.

The front wheels hit the hole and Lorelei slammed on the brakes. Mace was nearly thrown from his seat dispite the restrains twice as the rear wheels came back out of the hole. A loud bang was heard over the radio.

Lorelei let out a curse and switched off the power. When she exited the vehicle, Mace followed suit. Lorelei was still swearing, stamping her feet and... Mace looked again. Was she actually pulling her hair? The source of her display was the severely damaged front left wheel. It looked dead and limp.

"Is there anything i can do to help?" Mace asked, hoping he would be capable of assisting the distressed woman.

"You know how to change a tire, right?" she asked. Without waiting for a response she opened the cargo area and removed a smaller version of the dead tire and a small box of tools. She handed both to Mace. "Here's the jack. I can never get it to work right."

Mace didn't want to be rude but he also didn't want to lie.

As he debated his next course of action he heard the sound of a loud engine approaching. Before he could turn to the sound Mace found him self drenched. Again.

He turned to identify the vehicle that splashed him. Them, he corrected. Lorelei screamed told him she was equally cold and wet.

She growled and stamped her foot again. "Oooohhh, I'm gonna kill that cousin o' mine!"

As she said that the larger vehicle reversed its direction and splashed them again. This time with mud.

The vehicle stopped next to them and the passengers leaned out the window, clearly having a good time.

"Tyler, you knuckle headed redneck!" Lorelei yelled.

Tyler laughed. "come on, Lorelei. Did you leave your sense of humor at the fancy-pants school o' yers?"

Mace could tell Lorelei was embarressed.

Tyler eyed the tire and raised an eyebrow. "Did you finally run that little car of yours in to the ground, girl?" Tylers companion laughed at that.

"No damnit, I got a flat. Don't ya wanna be a good cousin and help me? I'll tell Aunt Geraldine if ya don't!"

Tyler seamed not only unfazed by the threat but on the verge of another wise-crack.

Mace sunddenly saw a way out. He looked Tyler squarely in the eye and said forcefully, "Apologize to your cousin, get down here, and change this tire!"

"Are you kiddin' me?" Tyler said, his voice rising in pitch. "That cousin ain't nothin' but a muddy mountin lion. If i get out of this truck, she'll... hurt me."

"You coward, change this tire NOW!" Mace insisted.

"And what if I don't, old man?"

Mace narrowed his eyes at Tyler. "OLD man? old MAN? I'll show you 'old man!'" With little effort Mace lifted the truck aff the ground with the force. "NOW are you going to help us?"

Tyler seamed on the verge of defacating him self. "Okay, okay! just don't hurt the truck!" his voiced cracked a little.

No sooner had MAce set the truck on the ground than Tyler and his friends jumped out and ran to Lorelei's car, and changed the tire as quickly as his trembling hands would let them. When they finished Tyler took his hat off, and cowered in front of Mace.

Mace smiled at them. "Thank you, gentlemen."

Tyler stuttered in response. "D-don't mention it m-mister wizard-man. Anything else I C-can D-do or you!"

Mace raised an eyebrow at Lorelei inquisitively.

Lorelei grinned. "yeah." she bent down and scooped up a handful of mud. "Eat this!" and she threw it at the boys. Mace guided it to their faces with the Force.

The boys turned pail and dove back into the truck. Tyler's friend said, "man, you didn't tell me your cousin hangs out with wizards!"

"I didn't know!"

"And don't mess with me again!" Lorelei yelled after them. "He taught me a few things like how to turn you two idiots into a couple o' twelve points bucks in huntin' season!"

The truck speed away, leaving Mace and Lorelei still covered in mud, but proud of themselves.

Edited by NinjaJedi

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Radioactive Isotope


Lorelei whistled appreciatively as she sped away. "That was really somethin the way you lifted up that truck. Don't suppose you could teach me how to do that?"

"No," Mace answered flatly.

Lorelei shrugged. "Suit yourself."


Ned shouldered his exceptionally large backpack and tried to appear inconspicuous as he slid into the Embassy.

"G'day, Ned," someone behind him said and Ned nearly jumped out of his skin.

Cripes, it's just the janitor. "Hey, Steve. How's it going?"

Steve shrugged and returned to his sweeping. "Can't complain." He then gave Ned a puzzled look. "I thought you were off today."

"I was, but, I...uh, I needed to take care of a few last minute things before tomorrow. Big meeting and all." He started walking backwards toward the elevator. "I'm just gonna go now..." He tripped over a potted plant before his fingers found and pushed the elevator button and he stumbled inside.

He jumped again as the Yoda creature thwacked him with his cane. "Too close, that was." Yoda's voice was muffled through the pack.

"Yeah, NO KIDDING!" The elevator doors opened and Ned stalked to his office. "People around here are going to think I'm nuts or something. I'm here on my day off with this GIANT sack for NO GOOD REASON AND......" his eyes went wide. "Oh, CRAP!! They're going to think I have a FRAKKING BOMB!!"

Ned slammed the door of his office, locked it, closed the window blinds, and slid down the wall to sit with his head on his knees. He was rewarded with another thwack from Yoda who had since clambered out of the sack and was glaring at him with those creepy yellow eyes. "Calm down, you will. Handle any questions, Yoda will."

Ned nodded blearily. He was too exhausted to argue with the little green man. "Computer's on the desk."

"Show Yoda how to work this contraption, you will. Quick we must be."

Edited by Pirate King

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Tishamingo, Mississippi

After a few tense minutes in which Rita stopped Donny from actually eating the grasshopper to Obi-Wan's relief, the three of them sat down to a nice meal of ribs, salad, corn on the cob and biscuits. Obi-Wan found the corn especially satisfying and was on his third one when Rita spoke up.

"So, Ben.. what brings you way out here, huh?"

"Well..." Obi-Wan paused mid-bite on his corn cob. "I suppose I am lost." He quickly thought fast, not wanting to stick out like a Tusken Raider in a Coruscanti megamall. "My group and I were ... hiking. Yeah, hiking, and I suppose I missed a trail. I'm sure they will come looking for me eventually."

Rita grinned. "Well, I hope not too soon! We're just gettin' to know ya, aren't we, Donny? Donny!"

Donny snapped his head around to look at his mother. His damn mind had wandered again. "What, mama?"

"Tell Ben that --" She stopped, noticing the listless look come back to Donny's eyes. "Donny!"

"What, mama?"

"Donny, how many times--oh, just eat your dinner."

"Yes, mama..."

Meanwhile, Obi-Wan just smiled politely and finished off his corn cob. It was delightful. Something he hadn't tasted before. Granted, all this food was new, but he had had various kinds of animal ribs and garden greens before. But this corn was just... so good. Especially dripping with butter. He considered grabbing a fourth, but didn't want to overshoot his welcome, so he turned back to Rita instead, try to continue conversation before the interruption.

"Yes, it would be nice to talk a bit more, Rita."

"Indeed it would. Ben, are you married?" Rita had been staring at Obi-Wan, with her forkful of salad halfway to her mouth for the last minute or so. That plus the question should have sent warnings all through Obi's mind, but he was a Jedi. A good-looking Jedi used to deflecting such things.

"No, I am not, actually."


"Uhh.. no. I am not attached to anyone at all."


Obi-Wan was really feeling uncomfortable the way Rita was looking at him. He was beginning, and ending, to think that these people did not know who Jedi were and what they stood for. This might be a problem...

Rita was just finishing up her salad when she noticed Donny's spot at the table was empty. "DONNY!"

"Yes, mama?" came a voice from around the house.

"Did I saw you were excused?"

"No, mama." He paused. "Can I be 'scused?"

She sighed. "Yes, go ahead." Rita shook her head and looked at who she knew to be Ben. "Kids..."

"Uh. Yes. Kids." Obi-Wan added, happy to be on a different subject other than his personal life.

"So.... you're single, huh?"

Blast, Obi-Wan thought.

Edited by Mistress Pod

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Tishamingo, Mississippi

Obi-Wan groaned in pain. Donny had driven the truck over some pretty hard bumps on the way in from the field that he landed in and Obi-Wan had hit his head pretty hard. In fact, he'd had a pretty weird vision in the Force while he was semi-conscious. Something about corn and a weird southern woman wanting him to father some kids or something like that. He'd have to be on the lookout.

"Mr Creolay, are you ok?"

Obi-Wan groaned again. His head injury from earlier must have been worse than he thought. "It's Kenobi. And yeah, just some of those bumps and my head injury didn't get along so well. Maybe some ice or something will help clear my head."

Just then, a large woman in a floral print mumu came out on the front porch. It took every ounce of Obi-Wan's Jedi training not to run in fear the other way. It was the woman from his vision. "Donny! Who you got in that there truck of yours?"

"I found a man out in the cotton field Mama! He's stranded here so I invited him over for dinner. You've been so lonely since Papa had the accident with the cotton harvester that I knew that you wouldn't mind."

Rita eyed Obi-Wan up and down like a farmer eying up a new horse at the market. Obi-Wan tried to make himself invisible to her with the Force, but it seemed that his great strength in the Force was failing him. That was odd. He settled for the edge of politeness, trying not to give this woman any false hope. "Greetings Madam. I am-"

"Madam! I ain't no madam sonny boy! I think that you got the wrong idea about me. I'm a good God-fearing Christian woman! You take your sinful thoughts and get out of my sight!"

"Mama! You can't do that to him!" Donny cried out. "He's a lost traveler and he has a head injury. What about everything that you've always said about hospitality? We've got to take care of him. Give him some new clothes instead of those potato sacks that he's wearing and some food."

"I beg your pardon young man, but these are not potato sacks, this is the traditional clothing of a Jedi Knight."

"See Mama, he even thinks that he's some Jedi thing! We need to help him. He's in need!"

Rita considered this. "Ok boy, bring him into the house, we'll get him fed and into some appropriate clothes then he can help you clean out the pig sty."

"Thanks Mama." Donny ran up and gave his mom a hug. Obi-Wan was grateful that things hadn't yet gone the way of his vision. He had a feeling that he'd be better off with the pigs then left in Rita's tender care.

Small town in Michigan

"Taco Bell? What is this Taco Bell that you speak of Chelsea?" Mon Mothma was now quite confused.

"It's only like the best food ever when you've been drinking. We gotta have some. Ok what does everybody want? Turn left now! We're gonna miss it" Chelsea was trying to get everyone's order and direct Mon Mothma at the same time. This was going to be a disaster.

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Later that night, about 11, Alexander was standing outside the door of a pub in the West End of the city. Suddenly two burly men in hoodies emerged from the alley next to the pub, and looked the young reporter up and down.

"You the one Guy tol' us t' meet?" the taller one asked.

Alex rubbed a hand across the now-prevalent red stubble on his chin. "That's right. I need to find someone."

"So does everyone. Oo are they?"

"Dunno, but they were in that plane crash earlier today. It's a man and a woman. The lass has got blue tattoos all over her, and some sorta tailed headdress thing. The man's got really long black hair, looks like he hasn't had a wash in a while."

"Got it. See you later."

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Camp David

"Excuse me, Miss," Amber's lead Secret Service Agent said. "Your father is waiting on Air Force One for you."

"What?" she shouted above Bail's off-key singing. "Hold on." She hit a button on the TV remote, silencing the music, leaving Bail standing with the microphone in his hand, looking startled and very undignified. Amber turned back to the agent. "Sorry. Now, what?"

"Your father is waiting for you on Air Force One. You're leaving for Dallas today. Remember?"

"Oh yeah, I remember." She turned back to Bail. "Come on, I'm taking you to Niemans."

Bail followed her up the stairs. "Alright. Who is Nieman?"


It didn't take long to teach Yoda to use the computer, however his small hands made it impossible to use the key board. So Ned was having to do most of the work, which consisted mainly of trying to explain to the little green man that Earth didn't have a global survelience system to slice into.

A sharp knock at the door made Ned jump and shove Yoda under his desk at his feet. Within a second the door opened and in poked the head of Jerry, the office manager: Ned's boss.

"Heya, Ned. Whaaaat's happening?" Jerry didn't even wait for Ned to respond, he just ambled on, not making eye contact with Ned. "So, uh, I gues you're getting a head start for the meeting next week?"

Ned nodded. "Yeah, the meeting. I want to make sure I'm very prepared."

"Riiiiight." Jerry took a sip of coffee from an oversized mug. "Listen, uh, I'm going to need you to check your email again. Uh, we sent out a couple of memos concerning working after hours and, uh, our new mental health care plan. Did you get that memo?"

Ned thought. Of course he got that memo. And of course he forgot about it. "Oh, yeah, Jerry, I did. Look I'm just going to be a few more minutes, and I'll be out of here."

Jerry looked around Ned's office again. "Yeah, see, here's the thing. One of the sanitation removal engineers heard you talking to aliens, so I'm going to have to reccomend that you take two weeks of mental health time back home. I've already purchased your plane tickets. You leave tonight on the Red Eye. So, uhh... get packing! Have a nice trip." Jerry disappeared back through the door and it clicked shut behind him.

Ned looked down at the little green man huddled by his feet. "Well that's just great. That's just friggin' great! Thanks, shrimp, now the whole office thinks I'm a loon." He shut down his computer and gathered his things. "Alright, back in the bag."

Yoda narrowed his eyes at Ned. "Crazy you are not. But a new problem we have."

Ned took a breath. "And what is that?"

"What is a plane, and can I come with you?"

Ned sighed. "I suppose you'll have to. We'll get you on somehow."


"Well this is it," Arron announced parking the car in front of a house. "Home sweet home." The trio climbed out of the car and started towards the house. "I actually rent the flat above the main house. It's not much but Miss Padme, I'll let you sleep on the bed. I'm afraid it's not large enough for the two of you, but at least you will be comfortable."

Padme smiled sweetly. "Thank you very much, Arron. I hope we're not putting you out."

Arron waved it off. "Oh no, think nothing of it. You two are the most interesting thing to happen to me in quite some time."

Anakin snorted as they walked through the door. "I'm sorry. Hey our lives are anything but boring. You can follow us around if you want."

Arron looked at Padme again, then thought of the other father in the hospital. He shook his head. "Nah. I don't think so."


Mon Mothma jerked the steering wheel to the right into the parking lot of the Taco Bell.

"To the drive-thru!" Chelsea shouted, which was echoed by everyone left conscious in the back seat.

Mothma steered as best she could to the little box that Chelsea indicated, knocking off the side mirror in the process. "Oh my! I am so sorry!"

Chelsea laughed it off. "Don't worry, Red, I got 'nother!" She gestured out of the right window to the identical mirror on the other side of the car.

A voice came through the box. "Welcome to Taco Bell, may I take your order?"

Chelsea began shouting at the box. Before long, Mon Mothma had "pulled up to the first window" and was being handed bags and bags of food. The lady in the window said "That'll be $68.47."

Chelsea cringed and turned to the back seat. "Hey, someone roll Dan over and get his credit card. He just got a raise, he won't mind."


Obi-wan thanked Rita and Donny for their help as they piled clothes into his arms.

"These belonged to Donny's father. They might be a little big in the gut, but they should fit you fine."

Obi-wan smiled as charmingly as he could at Rita. "Thank you very much Miss Rita."

"Sure thang, darlin'. You can change in here. Then Donny'll take ya outside."

Obi-wan inspected his reflection in the mirror after changing clothes. Rita had given him pants in a color pattern resembling camoflouge netting and a faded, dark red shirt with the words "Ole Miss" across it. He didn't know what that meant, but it was nice to have clean clothes at least. He donned his own belt, checking to be sure his lightsaber was still attached to it, then found Donny sitting outside on the front porch waiting for him.

Donny eyed Obi-wan up and down and spat into the dirt. "Mama was right. They are a little big for ya. Well it's better than those p'tatah sacks. Follow me. Mama was kidding when she said we were cleanin' out the pig sty. We don't keep pigs. We do need to dig out holes for a new fence, though. Coyotes keep getting in and pissin' off th' dogs."

Donny showed Obi-wan how to work the hand auger and the two were soon working up a sweat. The digging was hard and slow-going, but Obi-wan didn't really mind. It was definitely preferred over killing clones.

After about thrity minutes, Rita came out to them carrying two classes full of a refreshing-looking, pale yellow beverage. Obi-wan noticed that to his relief, Rita had changed clothes and was now wearing dark blue pants and a short-sleeved shirt. She was smiling when she handed the glasses over to Obi-wan and Donny.

Obi-wan wiped the sweat from his brow and accepted the glass appreciatively. It was tart and sweet all at once, but ice cold and delicious. He finished the beverage quickly and handed the empty glass back to Rita. "Thank you. What was that?"

Donny giggled and Rita just stared at him. "Honey, don't ya know lemonade when you taste it?"

Obi-wan realized he'd made an error. "Oh yes. How silly of me." With that, he went right back to work.

Rita said something about dinner in an hour and thanks for helping out. Obi-wan didn't notice her second glance as she went back into the house.

Edited by Mistress Pod

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Ned was now waiting in the Sydney Airport alone, after having gone to his apartment to gather some things (clothes, Violet and other necessities) and then to the local pet supply store to get some more things. All his luggage was checked in, including his two cat carriers.

He had been surprised when it took a lot longer to convince Violet to get in hers, than for him to get that strange green Yoda fellow in his. Ned sort of felt sorry for the creature. He was stuck in a tiny box wearing an ugly, itchy brown pet costume he had found cheap to disguise Yoda as another cat... er, at least an animal that he was allowed to take on the plane.

Well, almost sorry. The Yoda creature had gone on and on about how his costume reminded him of his Wookiee friends. ("Ooh, a Wookiee, Yoda is!") Whatever that means. Ned was just glad he had seemed to forgotten about how much he wanted Violet.

Oh, well... he thought to himself whilst flipping through a magazine. Maybe two weeks off in Kansas will do me some good. Maybe I'll be able to figure out what to do.

It would be most difficult, though, explaining things to his parents. Ned wondered whether he'd be able to pass Yoda off as some strange wallaby. His parents weren't terribly bright (he had been the first in his family to go to college) and if he kept the costume on, it just might work.

Ned sighed as he heard his flight number called. He gathered his carry-on bag and started toward the terminal, hoping that Violet would be well taken care of and steeled himself for the long flight, with one long layover in L.A.

As the attendant checked his ticket, he thought to himself that perhaps his layover was just long enough to reconnect with some old friends at his L.A. office. Maybe even.... No. Man, I must be going crazy, if start thinking about her...Wait...actually... I think she was into conspiracy theories. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad to get in touch with her...

He shook himself back to the present, smiled at the attendant and made his way to board the plane.

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It had been a long day. Padme was resting on Arron's bed, and Arron himself was trying to show Anakin how to use the internet.

"This thing is useless compared to the HoloNet!" Anakin kept muttering.

"Well it's the best we have..." Arron rolled his eyes and tried to watch the television.

Anakin slammed his fist on the desk, "What does this mean?!"

Arron got up and walked over to Anakin, "Oh the connections broken again... Damn AOL."

"I'll hunt down this AOL and demand compensation for my wasted time," growled Anakin menacingly.

"Let me know how that goes," Arron said as he sat back down and flicked through the television channels. Suddenyl he heard a smash and a crash as Anakin sent the computer flying through the window.

"Yeah, I get tempted to do that too sometimes... but I kind of liked having a computer."

Arron sighed as he heard his landlady coming up stairs.

"I'll handle this..." Anakin said, as he fumbled with the door; momentarily forgetting that it wouldn't open itself without him physically turning the handle and pulling it towards him.

"Where's Arron? What's going on up here?" The landlady snapped at Anakin.

"Everything is fine up here," Anakin told her, "you can go back to... whatever it is you do."

"Yes, I'll go back to whatever it is I do," she said distantly, "everything is obviously fine up here."

After she had gone Arron turned to Anakin. "Wow, I could really your persuasive skills."

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Kidderminster, Nightfall

Arron realized that the twin bed in his room wouldn't work out well for Padme and Anakin, so he was fighting with the pull out sofa, shoved into the corner of his room, which would be big enough for them both to sleep on. The sofa was an ugly plaid thing that one of his neighbors was going to throw out, so instead Arron helped carry it up the stairs for payment. Now he was glad that it had, even though it was going to make things tight, but it was better than people having to sleep on the floor.

"Arron! What's all that noise in your room? Your mother and I have to work in the morning so quiet down in there!"

"Sorry dad, just trying to move things around a little bit."

"Well, it can wait until morning!"

"Yes dad."

"Quit sassing me boy!"

"I'm not sassing you!"

"Don't make me come in there."

Anakin tensed. "Do you want me to take care of things for you?"

Arron tensed and remembered the reaction with the coke machine earlier. "No, that's quite all right, Dad's just a little difficult sometimes." He paused. "Well, make that most of the time. He just doesn't understand me, and it makes things tense between us." He finally got the mattress settled down and was straightening out the sheets and digging out extra blankets.

"I know what you mean man," Anakin nodded. "The other Jedi don't understand me either. They were thinking that I was corrupt and trying to take over the galaxy, but I just wanted to do what was right by my wife. I wanted to make sure that the galaxy was safe for Padme and our child, er children. I was trying to think of the future."

"Yeah, people just don't understand us." Arron yawned. "I need some sleep dude. It's been a long day." Arron glanced at Padme resting on his small bed. "Padme, do you want to move over to the sleeper sofa? It's got a little more room, then you and Anakin can be comfortable."

Padme eyed the rickety looking sleeper sofa. "Nah, I'm comfortable here. You and Anakin can share that thing. I promise that he'll try not to spoon you too often in the night." Arron paled and gulped.

Air Force One

Amber bounded up the steps onto Air Force One. She waved to the Chief of Staff, who just happened to be sitting in the office area. "Hi Chuckie boy! Where's dad?"

Charles Emerson Winchester the fourth, rolled his eyes. "Hello Miss Amber. Your father is in his private office, may I leave him a message?"

"Nah, I'll be in the lounge with my buddy Bail. We're going to be playing DDR."

"You and your games Amber. Don't play it on heavy though, it'll disturb your father."

"Whatever you say Chuckie."

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Obi-wan had returned to the pig sty with Donny to do some more "fun time shoveling duty".

Donny noticed the Jedi's wrinkled nose and looked up sheepishly, "I'm right sorry my momma's making you help me with this here dirty work, mister. We don't get no guests usually, so I reckon she didn't know what to do with you an' all... But I'll tell you what! I'll make it up to you tomorrow, and we'll go in to town!"

Obi-wan nodded, "Sounds good. So...what do you do in town?"

"Erm....well. There's a McDonalds in town," said Donny.

"McDonalds, eh?" said Obi-wan. "Is that the local name for a spaceport?"

"A what?"

"A spaceport. You see, I'm not from...around here, and I really need to be getting back to where I come from. You see, things have gotten a little hairy for my...uh, people, and I really need to get back so I can help them out," said Obi-wan. "The clones are trying to destroy them. And Padme's husband was trying to kill her."

Donny was watching Obi-wan closely. He had been talking about needed to get back to his friends...about there being trouble... And then he'd started talking about clones. Donny begin to become suspicous that this man was on drugs. His mother had warned him once about such people, and how random fits of silliness were to be feared. Perhaps it would be best if he helped this odd stranger get to town so he could hitch a ride to wherever he needed to be. More than likely he wanted to reach the big city as that is where all these hippy gangstas, or whatever, tended to reside. "I'll tell you what, mister. I'm not too sure my momma is gonna let you stick around if'n she finds out yer talkin' silly talk. She'll have you outta here faster 'n a rooster with his tail afire. Let's get ourselves on into town and maybe we can hitch you a ride out to your spaceport you was talkin' about. Whatcha say?"

Obi-wan did a gleeful dance of happy happy, which is very similar to a happy dance, but with much more flailing of the extremities. "Oh yay! Oh joy! So there IS a spaceport near here? Well boy howdy! Let's goooo!" Obi-wan headed for the barn doors, but stopped abruptly and wheeled around. "But wait! It might be dangerous. If we run into any clones...."

"Er...we'll be real careful and all," said Donny. He was becoming more and more convinced that Obi-wan was a hippy.

"Right!" said Obi-wan, again heading for the barn door. He stopped abruptly again, causing Donny to crash into his back. "But wait! You should still arm yourself!"

"Er...I don't reckon momma would be real happy if I took the shotgun..." said Donny uncertainly. He'd be in enough trouble if his momma knew he was escorting a hippy into town without permission.

"What if you take this! This looks pretty deadly!" Obi-wan had handed Donny a hoe. Of the garden variety.


And so Donny with his trusty hoe and Obi-wan with his as of yet undiscovered lightsaber began their stalwart journey together into town under the cover of almost darkness unbeknown to Donny's formidable mamma. Donny with his goal ridding his farm of an alleged hippy, and Obi-wan with a goal of finding his comrades.

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Donny, as it turned out, only lived around two hours hike from town, and so it wasn't long before he and Obi-wan were making their way up the cracked asphalt that served as the town's main street. Tishomingo, being a small and pointless little place had no need for any traffic lights. It really only consisted of one or two intersections. There was a gas station, a Tractor Supply/Seed and Feed outlet, the fabled McDonalds, and of course, a Wal-mart.

Donny was eyeing the McDonalds hungrily, but Obi-wan was more impressed with the Wal-mart. It was so huge a building for such a small town. "What is this large building?" he asked.

Donny managed to tear himself away from staring at McDonalds long enough to answer, "That's the local Super Walmart."

Obi-wan had no idea, of course, what this signified and was embarassed to admit so. He merely nodded. "Right, so.... How do we get to the spaceport, then? It doesn't appear to be around here..."

"Ah yes!" said Donny. He was now standing in a small puddle of drool. "There's no...er....spaceport here in Tishomingo. It's too small a place. We need to get you fixed up with a Big Mac. Er, I mean a ride up to the big city where all you gansta hippies... I mean, spaceport-goin' folk hang out."

"Riiight..." said Obi-wan. He was desperately trying to follow Donny, but the boy was using alot of words that he just didn't understand. He was sure they were just local colloqualisms for common things, but again not wanting to show his ignorance, he merely nodded. "Okay, so where can we find a Big Mac into the city? Will this Wal-mart have rides? ....And why the kriff are you salivating so much?"

Donny blushed, "Never mind, mister. I'm a growin' boy and I got me a hankerin' for some fries. But right now, we need to get you squared away and then I can worry about my stomach." He looked strained for a moment, and Obi-wan surmised the boy must be trying to think hard. "I know! I bet ol' Mac'll be able ter give you a ride up to the big city! He drives a rig, y'know, doin' deliveries for Wal-mart an' all that. He's always drivin' it up to the city to pick up stuff."

Obi-wan continued to nod, but a soft buzzing was starting up between his ears.

"Well I'll be dog-goned! Speak of the devil hisself! If it ain't Mac!" said Donny suddenly, pointing at an old Volkswagon Beetle that was pulling into the McDonald's drivethru.

Obi-wan took this new information in, and after a minute or two of processing time, became alarmed. It would seem that this Mac, who was to give him a 'big mac' into the 'big city' was a large, fat yellow being with a metallic sheen, glowing round eyes and four pedal units that allowed it to roll along rather than walk. He gulped nervously, "Is it friendly?"

But Donny was already running off towards the beast. Obi-wan started to call him back, but then decided that the boy apparently knew this creature and was not threatened by it, so perhaps he shouldn't worry so much. Working up his confidence and Jedi-ly smile, he too trotted towards the strange being. All was well until he saw the horrible thing that happened next...

As Donny approached the beast, he called out something....a greeting...? And then a flap opened stiffly from the beast's left side and spat out a human male! Obi-wan screamed and wet himself before remembering that he was a Jedi. He gave a great battle cry and pelted towards the offensive beast, ready to do an impressive flying leap.

Luckily for him, he was prevented from making his fancy leap, or igniting his lightsaber, by Donny who was flailing his arms madly and yelling for him to STOP! He did so, and noted that the man that had been spat out of the beast was now cowering behind it.

"What are you doing!?" yelled Donny. "You done scared the piss outta Mac! How you gonna expect anybody to give you a ride to anywhere if'n you're gonna go an' run at 'em all screamin' and crazy like when they's just goin' to get outta their car?! You coulda give him a heart attack, poor ol' Mac!"

"Erm...I'm sorry," Obi-wan blushed. Now that he was closer, it was fairly obvious that the glowy-eyed beast was really just some form of land vehicle. It was even rusty in spots. Obi-wan decided that it would make him look even more foolish to explain that he had been trying to save the man from his own vehicle, so he invented a story on the spot. "I was, er.... That is I saw.. A bug."

"A bug?" said Donny.

Now the man called Mac was pulling himself to his feet, using his car to keep himself upright, he clutched his chest as his breath came in short little gasps. "What...huff in the name of....wheeze all things holy....cough is the matter with you, boy?"

"Well..." said Obi-wan looked from Donny to Mac. "It was a really big bug. With fuzzy feelers. And wings. And....fangs."

Mac blanched, "A bug with fangs? Shoot, boy! No wonder you was a-yellin' and a-flailin'. Let's get in the car 'fore it comes back, y'all!"

And so the three of them piled into Mac's Volkwagon and locked the doors, lest the fictitious bug get them. None of them spoke at first, and the only sound was the wheezing and puffing of Mac trying to catch his breath after his near heart attack. Donny was the first to break the semi-silence. "Er...Mac, this here is Ben and he's one o' them city folks that's got lost up here. He's wonderin' if'n you can get him a ride into the big city nex' time you take the rig out."

Mac eyed Obi-wan for a moment and then smiled and clapped him on the shoulder. Obi-wan was face-planted into the dashboard as a result. Mac was strong despite his bad cardiovascular system. "Shoot, son! You saved us from that there fang bug! It's the least I can do, and it just so happens as you're in luck. I gotta drive up in the morning to pick up a shipment of Chinese toys. Tell you what. Why don't you boys stay with me tonight, and in the mornin' we'll all head out together? We can drop Ben here off in the city and you 'n me can come on back to town." He nodded to Donny. "What y'all say?"

"Oh! Thank you, Mr. Mac! That sounds wonderful! I'm so happy we've found someone to give me a big mac into the big city! I can hop an air taxi to the spaceport once we're within the city, I'm sure, so you won't have to bother with me at all! Ah! I can get back to save everyone from the clones after all!" Obi-wan did a jig of glee...which was very hard to do while sitting in the passenger seat of a Volkswagon Beetle.

Mac, on the other hand was jerking a thumb at Obi-wan and mouthing to Donny, 'Is he one o' them hippy drug types?'

Donny merely gave a guilty shrug. "Um...you know, my momma will want me home for breakfast an' all, so..."

"Oh no," said Mac. "You're coming with us fer sure. We're in this together now, son! I ain't gettin' stuck alone in the rig with no whacked out hippy!"

Obi-wan was too busy dancing to notice any of this.

Edited by The Tsl

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