Jump to content
  • Join in

    We would be honored if you would join us...

Sign in to follow this  
Stephen

A NEW HOPE (Abridged)

Recommended Posts

Stephen

REBELS: You?ll never take us alive! [Gunfire] See! We told you!

LEIA: RUN, ARTOO! RUN!

VADER: Where are the plans! BAH! Take her away!

C-3PO: [Whine, complain, moan?]

R2-D2: You suck. I?m leaving you.

STORMTROOPER: Look, Sir! Metal in a desert. Has to be ?droids.

OFFICER: Yeah, blah-blah-blah. It?s hot. Let?s go.

C-3PO: Ah! A Rescue!

JAWA: UTINI!

C-3PO: Crap.

R2-D2: Geez! Not YOU again!!

LUKE: Geez, I?m bored.

OWEN: Do my work, boy!

BERU: Give him a break. We?re old.

JAWAS: GARAGE SALE!

OWEN: Sweet! Bargain hunting time!

LUKE: [rolls eyes]

OWEN: I?ll take the annoying gold one, and the one that will explode in a second. Okay?nevermind. Give me the one I should?ve taken in the first place.

C-3PO: Thank you, S?

OWEN: Shut up.

LUKE: I?m so BORED! Can I leave now? I?m 20-something for Sith?s sake!

OWEN: No, we?re old. Take care of us.

LUKE: IT JUST ISN?T FAIR!

OWEN: IT?S NOT LIKE WE WANTED YOU! BLAME YOUR DAD!

BERU: Owen! Shh!

LUKE: Lemme clean you ?droids up before my Uncle has a heart attack.

LEIA: ?I?m pretty. Help me!?

LUKE: Wow? she?s pretty. We better help.

C-3PO: Artoo says to give him the ability to leave.

LUKE: Yeah, sure.

R2-D2: Bleep-bloop-bweep- blop! [?FREEEEEEEEEEEDOM!?]

LUKE: Crap.

LUKE: There he is!

R2-D2: Bleeeeeeep-blurt! [?Geez! Can?t I get away from that gold fruitcake?!?]

C-3PO: Goodness gracious, me!

LUKE: Where were you going? Just wait, my uncles going to have a stroke when?

R2-D2: Bwooooot-blop-bzzzt! [?Run, whitey!?]

C-3PO: Heeeeeeeeere?s TUSKEN!

LUKE: It?s definitely Sand People. Look! I can see one now!

TUSKEN: Urrrrrrk-haaaark-buuuurp! [?Stop checkin? out my wife, foo?!?]

LUKE: Crap.

BEN: Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurp! *scuse me*

TUSKENS: Hrrrrrk-baaaaaaark-urrrrrk! [?Geez! It Stinks! Run!?]

BEN: Wake up, dork. You fainted.

LUKE: Wha--? What?s that smell?

BEN: Nevermind that. Let?s go hang at my house.

LUKE: Crap.

BEN: Your father was a killer?er?a Jedi.

LUKE: He was a freighter pilot.

BEN: Pssh! Shyeah right! Here?s his lightsaber.

LUKE: Sweet, this?ll impress Cammie!

BEN: [rolls eyes]

JAWAS: *Ouch*

LUKE: They?re all dead.

BEN: No! Really?! Brilliant, idiot. Only Imperial Stormtroopers are so precise? well? at least for this scene.

LUKE: Thankfully? wait? HOME!

BEN: It?s too late, Luke? They?ll?ah? who cares anymore.

OWEN/BERU: *Ouch*

LUKE: [sob, weep, cry?]

BEN: You couldn?t have done anything.

LUKE: I could?ve? well? erm? Let?s go to Alderaan.

BEN: Looks, it?s a bad place.

LUKE: That fool didn?t give me enough for my pimped out ride! Blast!

BEN: It?s enough. Let?s go to the cantina.

BEN: Hi, hairy-monster-guy!

LUKE: Can I have some water?

BARTENDER: [rolls eyes]

DR. EVAZAN: I?m ugly!

LUKE: Yeah, I know!

EVAZAN/PONDA BABA: GRRRR!

BEN: [slice, dice, bzzzt!]

EVAZAN/PONDA BABA: *ouch*

BEN: Can?t leave you for a second can I, Luke?

HAN: Wanna leave, huh? Yeah, it?s pricey.

LUKE: Forget it, I?ll fly us away in? in?

HAN: Is he always like this, Ben?

BEN: Yes! We?ll see you t here.

GREEDO: Got you!

HAN: Oh, really?

GREEDO: Jabba wants you!

HAN: Tough. [bLAM!]

GREEDO: *Ouch*

JABBA: [Huttese] ?Han! Hey, Han! Look! I?m on Weight Watchers!?

HAN: Leave me alone! I don?t care how much weight you can loose on it.

JABBA: [Huttese] ?No, no, no? I?m not here for that. Where?s my money, punk??

HAN: I don?t have it, but I?ll get it to you.

JABBA: [Huttese] ?Aight? later then.?

LUKE: Your ship sucks.

HAN: Shut up and get on, idiot!

STORMTROOPERS: HALT! YOU?RE PARKED IN A RED ZONE!

HAN: Crap! CHEWIE GET US OUTTA HERE!

BEN: We need to go to Alderaan.

HAN: Oh, yeah. The hippie planet full of Peaceniks?

LUKE: That?s the one. We?re saving a hot chick.

HAN: Sweet!

[HYPERSPACE]

LUKE: Are we there yet?

HAN: No.

LUKE: Are we there yet?

HAN: No.

LUKE: Are we there yet?

HAN: No.

BEN: SHUT UP!!!

CHEWIE: Hrrrrrrrrrn-groooooowl! [?This little tin-can beat me at holo-chess!?]

R2-D2: Bweeeeeet-bzzzzzzzt-bloooop! [?Crybaby!?]

CHEWIE: Groooowl-hrrrrrooooaaaar! [?Let?s play Shoots and Ladder now! THAT?S MUH GAME!?]

HAN: We there now, Luke!

LUKE: YIPPEEEE!

[bLAM!]

BEN: You sure this is Alderaan?

HAN: It?s the right coordinates.

BEN: Crap.

TIE PILOT: Crap! A ship!

HAN: Crap! A TIE! Let?s get him!

BEN: Just let him go.

LUKE: Let?s go to that really smooth gray moon with the superlaser on its surface!

HAN: Okay!

CHEWIE: HrrrrrRRRRrrrrrrrnnnnnNNNnnn! [?We?re caught in a tractor beam!?]

HAN: Crap.

HAN: Quick let?s hide in my smuggling compartments!

LUKE: Oooo! Playboys!

BEN: Not now, Luke.

LUKE: It just isn?t fair!

HAN: Shh!

IMPERIAL COMMANDER: Scan the ship and report back. It?s teatime.

STORMTROOPER: Hope they save me some herbal grey.

HAN: Hey! Come up here so I can kill you.

STORMTROOPER: Okay!

HAN: [bLAM!]

STORMTROOPER: *Ouch*

COMMANDER: TK-421, where are you?

LUKE: What? My communicator is broken?erm?[taps helmet and tilts head]

COMMANDER: Uhhhhh?.riiiiiight. I?ll come down. AGH! A hairy thing!

CHEWIE: [bLAM!]

COMMANDER: *Ouch*

LUKE: Be quiet, guys! Sheesh!

BEN: Let me go shut down the tractor beam.

HAN: Yeah, whatever.

LUKE: I?m going to find the hottie!

HAN/CHEWIE: SWEET! WAIT FOR US!

IMPERIAL: Hold the elevator please!

HAN: The Wookie just farted; I wouldn?t if I were you.

IMPERIAL: Oh, buy all means!

LUKE: Here we are.

IMPERIAL COMMANDER: Who are you?

HAN: Rebels. [bLAM! BLAST! BOOM!]

IMPERIALS: *Ouch*

COMM: What?s going on up there.

HAN: Nothing! It?s not Rebels taking over.

COMM: We?re sending people to get you.

HAN: Oh, yeah? well? well? [shoots comm] They?re coming, Luke!

LUKE: [Opens door? drools]

LEIA: [rolls eyes]

HAN: Why, hello, pretty lady.

IMPERIALS: [blasterfire]

LEIA: Into the garbage masher! It?ll be safe!

GROUP: Weeeeeeeeee! [splat!]

DEATH STAR: [sQUISH!]

HAN: Crap.

C-3PO: Where is everyone?

R2-D2: Bleeeeep-bwooop, bzzzzt! [?Turn on the comm., moron!]

C-3PO: Oh, yeah? forgot about that. [into comm.] Sir?

LUKE: Turn off everything!

C-3PO: What?

LUKE: Turn off everything!

C-3PO: What?

LUKE: TURN OFF EVERYTHING!

R2-D2: [doesn?t wait for C-3PO and does it.]

OBI-WAN: [Turns down tractor beam power creating a loud noise]

STORMTROOPER #1: Wonder if we should check out that electronic noise?

STORMTROOPER #2: Nah, let?s talk about speeders.

STORMTROOPER #1: Yeah, okay.

OBI-WAN: Whew!

VADER: Obi-Wan! ?Sup, man! Long time no see!

OBI-WAN: Kill me.

VADER: What?

OBI-WAN: Kill me? I need to be a ghost to help someone.

VADER: Uhm? yeah? sure? ??? [sLICE!]

OBI-WAN: [p0of!]

LUKE: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

LEIA: COME ON, IDIOT! WE?RE LEAVING!

FALCON: [Hyperspace to Yavin IV]

LEIA: We?ve made it to Yavin IV!

HAN: [sarcastically] Yippe?

LEIA: The Empire will have tracked us. You better leave. Here?s your money.

HAN: Sweet! Later, hot-stuff!

LUKE: Leia! Can I fly a starfighter?! I?ve always wanted to.

LEIA: [shrugs] Sure, why not.

LUKE: YIPPEE!

TARKIN: D?OH! Why didn?t I think to come out of hyperspace on the other side of Yavin IV with the superlaser pointed in that direction?! Now they have time to plan something.

OFFICERS: [snicker, giggle?]

TARKIN: Oh, shut up! It?s a simple mistake. It?s not like it?ll cost us our lives or anything!

DODONNA: We have no starships, so we?re sending snubfighters to annoy them.

PILOTS: YAY! Suicide duty!

MADINE: Yeah?no?actually there?s a plan. Do something impossibly by making a torpedo change vectors at JUST the last second to go into a chute, not hit anything on it?s way down, then hit the core.

WEDGE: That?s impossible, even for a computer.

LUKE: Not in George Lucas? mind it isn?t!

Y-WING COMMANDER: Geez, these things are friggin slow!

Y-WING PILOT: Sir! Fighters off the starboard at?[bLAM!]?*Ouch*

TIE PILOTS: [bLAM! BZZZT! KER-POW!]

Y-WING PILOTS: *Ouch* *Ooof!* *Explode*

X-WING COMMANDER: Okay! Our turn, boys!

X-WING PILOTS: ?crap?

BIGGS: What? I can?t see around the back of my ship. I think they?re some fighters back?[bLAM!]?*Ouch*

LUKE: BIGGS!!!!

WEDGE: Oop! Looks like I get to leave you all alone now. Sucks for you!

LUKE: ?crap?

OBI-WAN: Use the Force, Luke.

LUKE: Wha? What was that?

OBI-WAN: Use the Force, Luke.

LUKE: Obi-Wan?

OBI-WAN: Geez! Yeah, would you use the friggin Force already?!

LUKE: Give me a sec! [Does the impossible]

DEATH STAR: [Ka-BOOM!]

VADER: Spinning?s a good trick! I?ll get you, ? whoever you are!

LEIA: Here?s some crappy bling-bling to wear.

CHEWIE: Hrrrrrrrrn-rooooaaaar-grrrrrrrr! [?Wait! What about me?! You a racist or something?!?]

LEIA/HAN/LUKE: Hahahahahahahahah!

[FADE TO CREDITS]

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Your content will need to be approved by a moderator

Guest
You are commenting as a guest. If you have an account, please sign in.
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Sign in to follow this  

×

Important Information

We have placed cookies on your device to help make this website better. You can adjust your cookie settings, otherwise we'll assume you're okay to continue.