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Stephen

EMPIRE STRIKES BACK (Abridged)

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Stephen

LUKE: Geez, it?s cold here!

DROID: [THUD!]

LUKE: Was that a droid? Better go make it mad.

TAUN TAUN: [?Dude! Get off and let me run!?]

LUKE: What?s wrong sweetie?

WAMPA: [WHACK!]

LUKE: ?crap?

DROID: [?Look a deserted base.?]

HAN: Let?s shoot it, Chewie!

DROID: [?Oh, guess I was wrong. ALERT!?]

HAN: [bLAM!] Guess they know we?re here now.

CHEWIE: [?Duh! Think so, lazer-brains!??]

HAN: Now that I alerted the Imperials, I?m leaving.

LEIA: Just like that?

HAN: Just like that. Kiss my wookie, princess!

LEIA: I JUST MIGHT, YOU NERF-HERDER!!

WAMPA: [?Taun Taun ? la tar-tar? my favorite.?]

LUKE: Must?get?lightsaber?

WAMPA: [?Oh, my guest is awake!?]

LUKE: [sLICE!]

WAMPA: [?Noooo! My cooking arm!?]

LUKE: Just a few? more? steps?

OBI-WAN: Go see Yoda.

LUKE: Who?

OBI-WAN: Yo-da!

LUKE: Well, ?Yo? to you too??

OBI-WAN: Just go to Dagobah, you idiot.

TAUN TAUN: [?It?s frickin freezing in here Mr. Solo.?] [DIES]

HAN: Great? now I can use this coccoon of animal effluence to keep the Kid alive.

LUKE: Smells like ass in here.

HAN: Shut up, it?ll keep you warm.

LUKE: ?oh, yeah? DAGOBAH! YODA! DAGOBAH! YODA!

LEIA: What?s Luke doing?

DOCTOR: Taking a warm bubble-bath.

LEIA: Ooo! Can I be next?

HAN: Can I watch?

LEIA: [Rolls-eyes] Nevermind.

LUKE: Look! They had to write this in to cover the car wreck I got in.

LEIA: Yeah, thanks for making us remember new lines!

HAN: I?m leaving. Can?t stand to loose me, eh, Princess?

LEIA: Oh, yeah! Come here, Luke! [KISS!]

LUKE: Ew? felt like kissing my Aunt Beru.

LEIA: Ew? felt like kissing my dad.

HAN: Let?s get out of here, Princess!

LUKE: I?m going to try and get killed instead!

LEIA: See ya, Luke!

DAK: Luke! I?m completely useless back here! I?m surprised they even gave me a name!

LUKE: It?s okay, you?ll have an Expanded Universe story written about you to make you seem more important.

AT-AT: [bLAM!]

DAK: *Ouch*

LUKE: Oops?

AT-AT: [bLAM!]

GENERATOR: *Ouch*

AT-AT COMMANDER: We did it! w00t!

AT-AT DRIVER: Yeah, we?re l33t!

AT-AT GUNNER: roxx0r!

LUKE: Screw this place, let?s go see Yo.

R2-D2: [?It?s Yoda.?]

LUKE: No, he?s at Dagobah.

R2-D2: [sigh]

STAR DESTROYER CAPTAIN: Look! The Falcon!

VADER: WHERE?!?!

S.D. CAPTAIN: Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha!! Just Kidding! That was priceless!

VADER: GrrrrrrrrRRRRRR!!!? [FORCE CHOKE!]

S.D. CAPTAIN: *Ouch*

SPACE SLUG: [?La-la-la-la-ack! I think I swallowed a fly!?]

HAN: Wow, this is a cozy cave. Wanna get friendly?

LEIA: Leave me alone.

MYNOCKS: [?BOO! HA-HA-HA-HA?]

LEIA: It?s not a cave!

HAN: Yeah, my bad. Let?s go see the guy who hates me.

LEIA: Is he a hottie?

CHEWIE: [?Ha-ha-ha-ha!?]

HAN: Shut up, rug!

LUKE: We can?t see anything! Let?s crash into the water leaving no chance for escape!

R2-D2: [?Whatever you say. You?re the boss!?]

X-WING: [Ker-SPLASH!]

R2-D2: [?Something?s alive down here.?]

LUKE: Stop being paranoid!

R2-D2: [?HOLY !$%$@~!?]

LUKE: [blush] Heh-heh? sorry, Artoo! My bad!

YODA: Lost are you?

LUKE: No, I?m looking for Yo.

YODA: Mean you Yoda?

LUKE: No, this is Dagobah! Geez!

YODA: Yoda my name is, not Yo. Sent by Obi-Wan you were, yes? Mmm?

LUKE: You?re a Jedi!

LUKE: Yes? mmm? hehehe!

LUKE: Give me the crash course Jedi training.

YODA: In a hurry are you?

LUKE: Yes, I have a bad feeling about something.

YODA: Bad feeling someone has in every movie? How embarrassing.

YODA: Move rocks? do some cardio? concentrate?

LUKE: [Moves rocks, does cardio, concentrates]

YODA: Done you are! Forget years of training as in the old times we must!

LUKE: Works for me! I have to go to Bespin.

YODA: No?erm?wait! Training you haven?t completed. Ready you aren?t!

LUKE: I?m not ready for what?

YODA: Erm? nothing I said.

LANDO: You !@#$@^%!!! ?? I MISSED YOU, YA BIG GALLOOT!

HAN: Hiya, Lando. Nice cape.

LANDO: Do you think so? I think it accentuates my lovely thighs.

LEIA: [Giggle]

LANDO: And who is this lovely lady with the fashion sense?

HAN: Cut it, Lando? we all know you?re gay.

LANDO: Hmph! Fine! Let?s go see my other guest!

VADER: SURPRISE! I HAVE YOU NOW!

HAN: ?crap?

VADER: Put this mug on ice!

LEIA: I love you, Han.

HAN: Yeah? whatever? I could?ve used some action. Now I?m fridged!

BOBA: But I want him alive. He?s so soft? My preciousssssss?

VADER: Uh? right? he?s fine. See! Take him to Jabba.

LUKE: LEIA!

LEIA: IT?S A TRAP!

LUKE: Well, I can?t disappoint Vader. He made all those plans.

LEIA: GEEZ! YOU?RE AN IDIOT!

LUKE: I get that a lot.

LANDO: Let?s go Fashion Squad! We must save the princess!

FASHION SQUAD: [Lisp] Yeth?thir!

LEIA: You saved us! Thanks! What?s going to happen to you?

LANDO: I?m Super! Thanks for asking! Don?t I look cute in this cape?

LEIA: [rolls eyes]

VADER: ?Sup, Luke.

LUKE: YOU! You killed my father!

VADER: Ah? Ha-ha-ha! Just wait about ten more minutes and I?ll explain my laughter.

LUKE: Okay then. Duel?

VADER: Yeah, why not!

LEIA: We have to save Han!

LANDO: Boba has him. He?s so cute in his little helmet.

LEIA: Let?s go!

BOBA: Mine! My precious! [Flies away]

LANDO: Well, poo!

LEIA: Let?s go. He?s taking him to Jabba.

VADER: [Lightsabers clash]

LUKE: [Falls in carbon freezer]

VADER: What? That?s it? Dumbass!

LUKE: [Jumps up]

VADER: Impressive? you?re like a monkey! [Force-throws objects at Luke]

LUKE: Stop! You cheater! I can't hit stuff traveling at 5 miles per hour! Ouch! Oof! WHOA! [Flies out window]

VADER: You?re trapped on this balcony! Hahaha!

LUKE: You?re just a big bully.

VADER: [Cuts off Luke?s hand] ?like father; like son?

LUKE: What was that?

VADER: Oh?er?nothing.

LUKE: Why?d you have to kill my father!

VADER: Nope! Boy, you really ARE an idiot. I?am your father.

LUKE: ?crap?DAMN YOU AND YOUR PLOT TWISTS, LUCAS! I?ll just commit suicide!

LEIA: Oh, crap! We forgot Luke!

LANDO: He?s just hanging out.

LEIA: [Rolls eyes] That was corny.

LANDO: IT?S NOT MY FAULT! Blame the writer!

LEIA: Luke!

LUKE: Leia!

LEIA: Luke!

LUKE: Leia!

LUKE: There? I have a hand better than my fathers?. Ha-ha-ha!

LEIA: Oh, Luke. You?re such a child.

LANDO: Let?s go save Han!

TROOPS: [Lisp]Yeth?thir! Yaaaaaaaay!

[ROLL CREDITS]

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