THE PHANTOM MENACE SCRIPT (Abridged)

[Stephen 0]

HOODED MAN: Tell them we?re here even though they know.

CAPTAIN: Yes?sir. [in Comm:] Here we come.

GUNRAY: We?re not lying about the blockade being legal or wanting you here.

HOODED MAN: Okay, cool.

OBI-WAN: I have an idea that some dark force is behind all this.

QUI-GON: Psh! Yeah, right, kid. Shut up.

OBI-WAN: But Master Yoda said--

QUI-GON: ?But Master Yoda said--But Master Yoda said!? Enough! God! We need to only hint at the Sith?s involvement; not solve the mystery of the entire prequels in the first ten minutes of movie one!

OBI-WAN: *downtrodden* Yes, Master.

GUNRAY: JEDI?! No way! They?re so cool!

PALPAT--ER--SIDIOUS: Kill them.

GUNRAY: But--

SIDIOUS: Do it, dangit! That kid will ruin my plans!

GUNRAY: And your home planet?

SIDIOUS: Meh--destroy it. I?ll clean it up here in the Senate since I?m a senator?WAIT!! No, I?m a Sith Lord, not a senator!

DROIDEKAS: *Bzzzzt! BLAM!*

QUI-GON: Apparently we can?t destroy droids in this scene.

OBI-WAN: Let?s use the Force power from the video games.

QUI-GON: ?Kay! We have to get to the planet!

JEDI: *Force speed*

JAR-JAR: Sup, man?! Try this psychedelic weed, man!

QUI-GON: Move, moron! Big giant tank!

JAR-JAR: Dude! Totally!

QUI-GON: Take us to your city.

JAR-JAR: Can?t man. I?m a dumbass.

OBI-WAN: Take us to your city.

JAR-JAR: Sh?yeah, dude. ?Kay.

BOSS NASS: Leave!

QUI-GON: Give us a sub.

BOSS NASS: Aight, we get the dumbass.

QUI-GON: Naw, we take him too.

BOSS NASS: Tch! Fine!

JEDI: *Lightsabers flash*

DROIDS: *break*

JAR-JAR: *falls*

QUI-GON: Queenie, let?s take your tight-ass ship and leave.

JAR-JAR: Ooooo?shiny.

CAPTAIN: No gas, man. Gotta land on Tatooine.

AMIDALA: I heard the Hutts make some sweet bikinis here.

QUI-GON: We?ll go get parts.

AMIDALA: Oh! I?m coming!--er--I mean? my? handmaiden is going. She looks nothing like me? *looks around nervously*

WATTO: Let me cheat you, moron.

QUI-GON: *rolls eyes and follows* I?m taking my droid.

R2-D2: [Dude, we haven?t figured out how to do the stairs yet]

ANAKIN: You?re pretty.

ANAKIN/PADME: [More asinine, Lucas-inspired dialogue]

ANAKIN: I?m gonna marry you.

PADME: Yeah--that'll never happen. I don?t date slaves.

ANAKIN: I?m a PERSON!

PADME: Oh, in that case--see me in ten years.

JAR-JAR: Dude! I got the munchies, man.

SEBULBA: You ruined my chicken noodle soup, dude!

ANAKIN: Leave him alone or I?ll make more idle threats I have no way of backing up.

SEBULBA: Good thing my sinuses are acting up. Psh!

ANAKIN: Come have a slumber-party, guys!

SHMI: The only way to get money is to race.

QUI-GON: Race? In a space movie? Um?okay.

[LUCAS: What?! I liked Ben-Hur! It?s MY movie, damnit!]

QUI-GON: We win; we get the boy and parts.

WATTO: I get the pod and the mom then!

QUI-GON: Okay, that?ll work. She won?t start his downfall or anything.

PODRACE: *Anakin Wins* (Yeah? that?s all you need to know out of that 15-minute sequence)

DARTH MAUL: *no dialogue*

QUI-GON: Agh! A guy in black! Must be bad!

QUI-GON/MAUL: *fight*

QUI-GON: *escapes* To Courscant!

QUI-GON: Anakin, meet the dude who?ll try to kill you.

ANAKIN: Hiya!

QUI-GON: Obi-Wan, meet the dude you?ll let kill you.

OBI-WAN: Pleasures all mine.

QUI-GON: Let?s take the kid to the Council.

YODA: To be a Jedi you want, eh?

ANAKIN: YEAH!

MACE: Tough crap, kid.

ANAKIN: *pouts*

PALPATINE: Welcome back. I wasn?t trying to kill you or anything.

AMIDALA: Never, you?re my pal. Like a close uncle or something.

PALPATINE: Yeah! Go with that. Stay here and out the way.

AMIDALA: No, I?m going back to get my shoes.

NABOO: We?re not worthy! We?re not worthy!

BOSS NASS: We can?t really help you, but we?ll die as a distraction.

AMIDALA: Um--Sounds good to me!

BOSS NASS: And they think we?re stupid! Ha-ha-ha-ha!

QUI-GON: Stay in this starfighter, Anakin. That can?t possibly be a bad place for a nine year old.

OBI-WAN: We?ll take the Sith.

AMIDALA: We?ll take the Viceroy.

ANAKIN: I?ll take the?um?control ship and save the day? *rolls eyes*

BRAVO SQUAD: *some live/some die*

ANAKIN: ?Spinning?s a neat--"? George, do I really have to say that?

[LUCAS: Yes! MY SCRIPT! MY WAY!]

PADME: We have you now Viceroy!

VICEROY: I think not.

BODY-DOUBLE: Quick! Over here!

VICEROY: Get them!

PADME: Okay, now we have you!

VICEROY: ?crap?

DROID ARMY: *fires, massacres, destroys*

GUNDAN ARMY: *dies*

JAR-JAR: *hides and somehow manages to destroy things? ri-i-i-i-i-ight?*

ANAKIN: Oops, I flew through ray shielding somehow and into the ship.

DROIDS: [uh, you order take-out, man?]

ANAKIN: What?s this button do? Oops, shot your ship, man.

R2-D2: [We have to leave, idiot.] *takes the ship out*

DROIDS: ?crap?

SHIP: *explodes*

DARTH MAUL: *silent, but deadly*

QUI-GON: *can block lightning-fast bars of energy, but not a punch in the face*

DARTH MAUL: *strikes*

QUI-GON: *impaled through the heart, but manages to live until he talks to Obi-Wan*

OBI-WAN: NO-O-O-O-O-O! *gets all bad-ass*

MAUL: *Force-pushes Obi-Wan into a vast pit* (What is it with Lucas and vast pits?)

OBI-WAN: *jumps up, gets lightsaber, and slices*

MAUL: *is now half-price*

OBI-WAN: Master!

QUI-GON: Train him.

OBI-WAN: Who? Jar-Jar?

QUI-GON: No, you moron, the boy.

PALPATINE: We?ve arrived for the funeral. Ignore all the very bad stand-in actors in the background that look nothing like the real actors portraying the Jedi.

AUDIENCE: *confused*

PALPATINE: Goo-oo-oo-oo-oo-ood!

QUI-GON: *burns*

ONLOOKERS: *cry*

PALPATINE: *smiles*

YODA: Always two Sith.

MACE: Could the other be in this room now?

YODA: Nah! Impossible it is.

[CREDITS ROLL]