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Mara

The Long Hard Road

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Mara

I'd like some feedback on this... It's still in the first stages, but I'd like to know how this first part is, before I revert into the long flashback that will be the bulk of the story.

Any criticism is welcome.

Or any ideas also.

The Long Hard Road

The young couple lay there after a night full of passion, the woman in the man?s arms. Pale moonlight came through the blinds, illuminating a little of their faces. Some bare skin could be seen where the sheet didn?t come up high enough. The bed looked slightly rumpled but not exactly mussed up a lot; it just looked slept in, which it was. They looked so peaceful lying there snuggled up against each other his head resting on her soft red hair. She stirred slightly in her sleep, but his arms remained steadfast around her.

He never really slept that night for he was content just looking at her, his beautiful wife. Everything about her continued to amaze him to this day. The soft curves of her body, the luxuriant strands of hair, her undying love for him. It was this latter that amazed him the most. Why someone like her would love a guy like him. He sighed and shook his head, lightly so as not to wake her. Coming out of his reverie, he kissed her gently on the cheek and rested his head back close to hers; just enjoying her company and her herself. Lying there, he began to dream, remembering how it all began, remembering the long, hard road they traversed to get to where they were?.

* * * *

(Here I will, obviously, go back to where it all started?)

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Drake

Good start...but this should probably go in the Fan Fic section.

*teleports it there*

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Mara

Thanks....

But I asked Prin before posting and she said that they usually go in the Central Spaceport.

*shrug*

It's not really like SW fanfic or anything......

Just a novel.

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Princess

Well I just got an idea, so...

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Tsl

This is a really good start. I wish there was more of it here to read :)

It has some really good descriptive language. I can really picture everything that is happening. You describe the woman alot, she's pretty, red hair, etc. Perhaps more description of the man as well? Or maybe that comes in the next part. I like the layout of the story too. You're starting with the end :) That's awesome, but risky, because now we know what's going to happen, but you still have to make it interesting for us to read :)

There is one line that's a bit awkwardish:

just enjoying her company and her herself

I dunno why. Just "her" and "herself" right there together sounds odd.

This line kind of stands out as well:

The bed looked slightly rumpled but not exactly mussed up a lot;

I'm not sure why. It just has a bit of a different tone. Since this story is from the man's POV, it would be alright if this was sort of coming from him. If it's consistant throughout the story, go with it! It is a good line. I like it, it just stood out.

hehe....sorry...I'm in a story writing class at school and I'm in critic mode... :red: Hope it's helpful some though!

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Mara

Thanks, TSL. : )

And don't worry about it. I want constructive criticism. : )

And there's only this much, 'cause that's all I have done. I just wanted opinions before I got into the bulk of it.

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