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Drake

Five And A Half Tragedies

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Drake

Wrote by my friend...heavily edited by me, lol. Hope you enjoy it.

Five and a half Tragedies

Narrator [singing to the tune of Gilligan?s Island]

Romeo and Banquo

Were the best of friends

But love had to ruin that

So someone had to get jacked

(Someone had to get jacked)

Romeo: Banquo, I must press you to leave my Juliet alone.

Banquo: Your Juliet? She does not even know you exist!

Romeo: Nor you, dearest Banquo but I am clearly the suited man for her, I am well versed in zoology, I have a steady job, and I know what work is. I mean, look at these pecks! A body like this doesn?t come naturally you know. This is hours of toning and shaping.

Banquo: You think she wants you? You spend more time getting ready than she does! Your dating life would be a disaster. You would never make it for reservations. Now me, on the other hand, I am well versed in the poetic and romantic areas of this life...

Romeo: Well then maybe you can serenade her with this:

My name is Flabmaster

I?m better than Jackaster

My carriage is faster

Then any other bas...

Banquo: ENOUGH! That?s not even poetry, that?s rap you fool!

Romeo: Alright, I can see there is only one way to solve this. [Draws sword]

Banquo: I didn?t bring mine today.

Romeo: That?s fine, I brought two. [Tosses sword to Banquo]

Banquo: [Tries to catch the sword but it impales him]

[Cries out] Romeo, thou hast slain me in the cheapest manner. Thou lucky, cheap bafoon.

Romeo: Asta Lavista Banquo.

[Exits stage]

Narrator

Now Banquo had some other friends

And Romeo knew them too

And when they found him

They asked him what he knew

(They asked him what he knew)

Brutus: Romeo, dear Romeo, our friend Banquo is gone, he is lost to us forever.

Romeo: What do you mean ?lost to us?? We must find him quickly!

Cassius: No Romeo he is gone, kaput, nevermore, passed on, pushing up daisies, checked out, kicked the bucket, sold the farm...

Romeo: [Looks puzzled]

Brutus: Romeo, he is dead! He was slain.

Romeo: Oh good heavens no! My dearest friend, you say hath been slain, if this be true then I must avenge his death!

Cassius: My goodness, no Romeo. Though it be a noble thought, we do not need two dead friends.

Romeo: What are you saying?

Cassius: Never thee mind Romeo. You must make haste to see the body before it is laid away.

Romeo: Yes, yes I must. Goodbye! I must be quick. I must no longer be Romeo but Romeo the Swift, or Romeo the Speedy, nay...I be Speedy Gun Romeo!

Brutus: Romeo! Or whatever you?re called now, make haste!

Romeo: Right. [Leaves]

Cassius: Ai yai yai, that boy is dumber than my mule.

Brutus: Yes, he is not the sharpest sword in the cabinet.

Cassius: He must have slipped into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn?t watching.

Brutus: The wheel is spinning but the hamster is dead.

Cassius: It is said some drink at the Fountain of Knowledge...others, like Romeo, just gargle.

Brutus: Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the carriage is nowhere in sight.

Cassius: All foam, no beer.

Brutus: A few clowns short of a circus.

Cassius: Room temperature...

Narrator: Ahem.

Brutus: Right. Let us go attend to our friend.

[They leave]

Narrator

Now we come to Juliet

Youngest daughter of three

Now posed with the question

Who would her suitor be?

(Who would her suitor be?)

Daddy Lear: Come my daughters three, sit and chat with me.

I wish to ask the questions of who your suitors be?

Goneril: Why, father my suitor is a good Dutch boy, John from Broer.

Daddy Lear: Well my daughter of the first, I guess you could have picked worse.

What about my daughter second, who will you marry do you reckon?

Regan: Well McDaddy Lear, of course he is a respectable Dutch boy, Hans the Klompmaker.

Daddy Lear: If it?s Klompmaker you crave, then if you persist I am sure he will cave.

What about my daughter three, what Dutch boy will you wed to thee?

Juliet: Father Lear I will...

Daddy Lear: Please, McDaddy is fine.

Juliet: I plan to marry whom I wish, Dutch or no.

Daddy Lear: My daughter of the third, don?t be absurd.

Why wed un-Dutch, that?s just nuts.

If you wish for my blessin, I wouldn?t go a messin.

And money, I mean come on honey.

Juliet: But Daddy, what if I love thee un-Dutch?

Daddy Lear: I ain?t openin my bank, for you to marry a Yank.

Not my quarters for you to marry outside our borders.

I?m not givin cash for you to marry some jacka...

Juliet: Father, please! I wish to marry whom I love.

Daddy Lear: Well you better love a Dutch boy then.

If you decide to marry a Brit, you ain?t gettin sh...

Juliet: Daddy! Just listen, please.

Daddy Lear: I have heard all I need to, now if you will excuse me I need my rest.

Narrator

Now we come to Hamlet

And his tale is sad, but not so lame

Of Claudius and his dad

And how one burst into flame

(How one burst into flame)

Papa H: [Ghostly] Ha-um, Ha-um, Ha-umlet, Ha-umlet.

Hamlet: He...Hello?

Papa H: Ha-umlet, Ha-umlet.

Hamlet: Papa, is that you?

Papa H: Ah, my dear boy Hamlet, it is you.

Hamlet: I thought you were dead. You certainly look it, I can see right through you.

Papa H: [sarcasm] Humph. Well it?s good to see you too!

Hamlet: Why, you are a ghost aren?t you?

Papa H: Yes, thanks for pointing that out. Like I hadn?t noticed.

Hamlet: No need to get snoody.

Papa H: Sorry. Although there is an upside, I am in better shape then I have been for years. I mean, feel those abs! Umm okay, my bad, I keep forgetting I am a ghost but trust me they are there, alright. It was rather untimely though. My company was just about to make it big. Oh Hamlets were selling like hot cakes. Now that I am gone, that Englishman, Oh Henry, has taken all our business.

Hamlet: So if you are dead, which we have already established, why are you here?

Papa H: Why for revenge of course! That is what a ghost lives for these days. Even though my death was a freak accident, someone else is to blame. I mean if the Americans can get away with it, why can?t I? I remember that frightful day so well. It all started out so harmless. I turned on the gas to fry up some bacon for breakfast. When I lit the burner, it exploded. I knew we should have stuck with the old wood stove but my brother, Claudius, insisted we take the Embridge package. Now, instead of bacon, I ended up with a Ha-umlet. But what will bother me for the rest of my haunting days is; what was I doing cooking breakfast in the first place? Why was I even in the kitchen?

Hamlet: Hmm that is a good point. Is it Uncle Claudius? fault then or mother?s?

Papa H: Spoken like a true Yank! It must be Claudius, he had the most to gain from my death. I was to be king of my company, instead I was the first Broil King. But I must be off now. Avenge my death son and be swift about it.

Narrator

The funeral was approaching

And came the time to dress

Luckily for Romeo

His father knew what?s best

Claudius: Romeo, my boy, have you heard the news?

Romeo: Yes father, Brutus and Cassius told me and I went to see the body. It appears he was slain.

Claudius: Why Romeo, this must be very hard on you. First your uncle dies and now your best friend. They are having the funeral at 3:00. It would be good if we attended and showed up on time for once. Get your suit together and clean it if need be.

Romeo: Father, must I wear the suit?

Claudius: Yes you must. It is only proper and since you still can?t tie a real tie, you must wear that nice gray one with the zipper.

Romeo: [Looks puzzled]

Claudius: You know the one your grandmother gave you and we forced you to wear every Sunday service.

Romeo: But...

Claudius: No buts. That is what you will do. I will set your clothes on the end of the bed myself if I must. [Leaves to get ready for funeral]

Narrator

Romeo attended the funeral

Dressed in his Sunday best

But their seat was taken

By some visiting pest

(By some visiting pest)

Claudius: Argh, visitors. They don?t know the regular seating. They should be forced to sit last! Every Sunday we sit in that spot, you would think we would do the same for a funeral. Why didn?t someone tell them that?s our spot?

Gertrude: Calm down, we mustn?t make a scene or look distressed. Quickly move to the other side of the church.

Romeo: Father, look. Juliet and her family are here. We must sit with them, it is only proper.

Claudius: Proper? Why, there is nothing proper about that. Why must we sit near them?

Gertrude: Please, please, you are going to cause a scene. Let?s just sit down before we do more damage.

[All sit down. Romeo sits next to Juliet]

Romeo: Hey Juliet, how are you? Enjoying yourself?

Juliet: It?s a funeral.

Romeo: Right, sorry. That?s a nice dress you are wearing. It?s a nice shade. Funny though that everyone picked the same colour.

Juliet: Romeo, it?s a funeral, you are supposed to wear black.

Romeo: I knew that, my bad. Umm well now that we are here and have some time to talk, I was wondering...what are you doing this weekend?

Juliet: Nothing, why?

Romeo: Well, I was thinking maybe, you know, if you weren?t busy and it wouldn?t be too much hassle and work. If you have to work, that is alright too. I was just thinking that seeing as how we are both not doing anything, that is umm if you speak the truth...

Juliet: Romeo, are you asking me out on a date?

Romeo: Umm maybe.

Juliet: At a funeral? A friend?s funeral no less. That?s disgraceful!

Romeo: Well, umm yes, maybe. I thought that maybe it would help you cope with the pain, you know take your mind off it.

Juliet: Well now is neither the time nor the place, but we will talk later.

Romeo: Well...

Claudius: Quick Romeo we must move swiftly, the visitor has left our spot. We can take it back!

Romeo: Oh umm goodbye Juliet. Enjoy the rest of the show [hits himself on the forehead] I mean funeral!

Claudius: Now Romeo, move.

Gertrude: Shhhh, be quiet. We do not want to cause a scene.

Claudius: Oh hush now Gertrude, we won?t cause a scene.

[They exit stage]

Narrator

It?s been a year since Romeo

Asked her out that day

Many things have happened

Let?s hear what they have to say

(Let?s hear what they have to say)

[Juliet and Friends enter from stage left]

[Romeo and Friends enter from stage right]

Juliet?s Friends: Come on Juliet tell us!

Romeo?s Friends: Please Romeo, tell us!

All Friends: Yeah, we won?t tell, honest.

Juliet: Alright, I will tell you if you stop pestering me.

Romeo: Okay, just stop bugging me.

[Grease ? Summer Nights]

Choir: Dew, De Dew, De Dew, De Dew, De-ew, De Dew

Romeo: Summer lovin had me a blast.

Juliet: Summer lovin happened so fast.

Romeo: Saw a girl, crazy for me.

Juliet: Saw a boy, cute as can be.

Both: Summer days drifting away to oh oh the summer nights.

All Friends: Oh wella, wella, huh.

Tell me more, tell me more.

Did you get very far?

Tell me more tell me more.

Like does he have a scar?

Romeo: She swam by me, she got a cramp.

Juliet: He ran by me, got my suit damp.

Romeo: I saved her life, she nearly drowned.

Juliet: He showed off, splashing around.

Both: Summer sun, something?s begun but oh oh the summer nights.

All Friends: Oh wella, wella huh.

Tell me more, tell me more.

Was it love at first sight?

Tell me more, tell me more.

Did she put up a fight?

Juliet [slowly]: It turned colder, that?s where it ends.

Romeo: So I told her we?d still be friends.

Juliet: Then we made our true love vow.

Romeo: Wonder what she?s doing now.

Both: Summer dreams ripped at the seams but oh oh those summer nights.

All Friends [slowly]: Tell me more, tell me more...

[All exit stage]

Narrator

It soon came time for Romeo

To pop the age old lie

And to see if Juliet

Will love him till they die

(Love him till they die)

[Walking together]

Romeo: Juliet, we are going to be late for the derby.

Juliet: Alright, alright, I am coming but I am still against this. I see no entertainment in watching people smash their carriages together.

Romeo: Just give it a chance. I had to sit through the theatre for you.

Juliet: You said you enjoyed that!

Romeo: I did? I mean, I do enjoy that kind of thing but variety is good. Who knows, anything could happen...maybe something good. [stoops down to tie his shoe]

Juliet: Argh, Romeo get up. Whatever you see on the ground, it?s not worth it. You are getting your pants filthy. Romeo...Romeo what are you doing? Oh...ooooh.

Romeo: Juliet, I was wondering, you know if you hadn?t made any permanent plans for the rest of your life that maybe you would want to get married?

Juliet: If I answer, will we leave and will you wash your own pants?

Romeo: Umm Juliet, I know you mean well and everything but would you mind being a little more clear on your response. Is that a yes or a no?

Juliet: Yes, Romeo, of course I?ll marry you. Now can we leave?

[Exit stage]

Narrator

There once was a man named Romeo

Who fell in love one day

He was to marry Juliet

But her family wouldn?t pay

(Her family wouldn?t pay)

Juliet: Romeo, Romeo, where for art thou Romeo? [pause] Where is that man? He is never around when I need him. He is probably out betting on knight jousting. It?s going to send us to the poor house and don?t get me started on his family! What a bunch of...

Romeo [enters behind Juliet]: Ahem.

Juliet [surprised]: Oh! My dearest Romeo, I was just talking about you.

Romeo: How can you talk about my family like that? At least mine will let us get married. You know as well as I do the custom for marriages in our country. The bride?s family pays for the wedding because the groom and his family will pay for it the rest of their lives. Those are just the customs, I did not make them. That?s the way that things are.

Juliet: Oh dearest Romeo. I know and I wish it to be so but my father, he is stubborn and will not pay for me to marry someone from your family, being non-Dutch.

Romeo: What if I work extra shifts at the Country Club? The new rubber-tipped arrows don?t hurt as much and ever since the new regulations on gaming were introduced, our members have increased. Besides, Polonius needs a break.

Juliet: Oh Romeo, you are such a dear.

Romeo: Actually, I am a rabbit this week. It?s one of the more popular targets.

Juliet: Romeo, as kind as that is, I will not have you do that. Your swelling does not seem to be improving. We shall find another way to get through this.

[Exit stage]

Narrator

Now Cassius and Brutus

Seemed to have their doubts

Trying to decide

What Romeo was about

(What Romeo was about)

Cassius: Brutus my good fellow, doesn?t it seem odd that Romeo pursued Juliet so shortly after Banquo?s death?

Brutus: Well she is a very attractive lady, you must agree.

Cassius: Yes, a modern day Cleopatra, some may say.

Brutus: A minx as others would put it.

Cassius: While we are on animals, she?s a fox.

Brutus: Dead sexy.

Cassius: Hotter than a firecracker.

Brutus: [pause] Alright, I got nothing. Can we move on now?

Cassius: Yes Brutus, you do bring up a good point. I say that Romeo is just after looks and does not care about the personality. He is looking for his trophy wife

Brutus: Well then, what must we do? He can?t get away with this.

Cassius: There is only one thing to do...Romeo must die.

Brutus: Like that movie with Jet Li?

Cassius: What?

Brutus: Never mind. [pause] Anyway, I disagree.

Cassius: What do you mean you disagree? That?s not in the script.

Brutus: Yes, I know but it always seems, in these plays, we are so quick to jump to conclusions. I mean there are always other options if we would just think it through more clearly. Why don?t we confront him and ask. or talk to Juliet and see what she thinks? We are all to quick to say off with his head and think we only have one option. So I say nay.

Cassius: Brutus, would you stop messing around. Listen to yourself, that?s just nuts. I can?t believe you actually think that talking to him would work. We must kill him for this is Shakespeare, it?s what we do. Now get back to the script.

Brutus: You?re right and I?m sorry for that. What was I thinking?

Cassius: Okay, just get back to the script. We are cutting into our other scenes.

Brutus: Right, umm okay. Where was I? Ah, here we go.

[gasp] Do you mean kill him as in murder, no more, snuff the flame, end the tale, put it out of misery, choke the chicken? That would mean death!

Cassius: Bingo. We will get him at his bachelor party. Now come, we must be quick. There is much to do and less time to do it in.

[Exit stage]

Narrator

Now Juliet?s father was a Dutchman

And we all know the Dutch are cheap

But who coulda guessed that

The cheapness ran so deep

(The cheapness ran so deep)

Daddy Lear: Yo Romeo. Wassup my hom...umm...non-homie?

Romeo: Yo yo wassup in the Hood my Dawg. What?s the good word or must you keep it on the down low, or is it the low down? Check this out, my new bling. [points to T-shirt]

Daddy Lear: Romeo, listen very carefully. First, I do not live in the Hood. Second, I am not your Dawg. Third, even if there was a good word to share, I would never share it with you. Fourth, T-shirts are not and will never be considered bling and if you ever talk like that again, I will strangle you with my new bling. Do I make myself clear?

Romeo: Yes future Daddy-in-law.

Daddy Lear: That?s McDaddy to you and about that law part, are you sure you know what you?re doing boy?

Romeo: Why yes sir, I love your daughter.

Daddy Lear: Are you sure you love her though. Maybe you just love her for her looks. Trust me Romeo, she does not look that way in the morning. You haven?t seen her when she gets out of bed and if you say you have, I will hurt you. Let?s just say she spends a lot of time in front of that looking glass of hers along with her collection of foundations, mascara and lip-gloss. It?s not even funny.

Romeo: But I do not love her only for her looks.

Daddy Lear: Oh, you think she is nice and cheery all the time. You have never tried to talk to her when she is tired or during that special time of the month. I just don?t think you can handle all the ?Yes honey?s? and ?Right away dear?s? that are required to keep her happy for those days.

Romeo: I will learn to handle it. Our personalities match nicely. We should not have too many problems.

Daddy Lear: Oh sure they match now but you just wait. She will develop all these habits and try to change things about you. Right now she?s thinking, ?He ain?t perfect but I can change that.? Believe me Romeo, if she thinks she can, she will never let up, never stop haunting you, nag at you for the rest of your days till you finally can?t take anymore and you crack and give in.

Romeo: No, Juliet wouldn?t be like that. Marriage is a blessing.

Daddy Lear: [Laughs hysterically] Oh Romeo, young and nieve Romeo. If you get married, you better hang up those hockey jerseys, sell your tickets to Monster Jam and take a course in gardening, painting and interior design. No matter what house you live in or how many times you do it, she will always want you to change it. Those nice weekends out fishing with the boys, you can forget about my friend because you are going to fancy restaurants and then the theatre. Yes Romeo, you say ?I do? and you might as well tie a chain around your leg and give Juliet a whip cause that?s how it is.

Romeo: No, no you are lying.

Daddy Lear: Okay, if you want to take that chance. I have been married for twenty-eight years.

Mrs. Lear: MERVIN! Mervin James Lear, you get over here right now! I have been waiting for ten minutes and we need to get to five more sales. Now MOVE!

Daddy Lear: Sorry honey...I?ll be there right away.

Romeo: [snickers] Your real name is...

Daddy Lear: Don?t even think about finishing that sentence if you want to keep your legs.

Narrator

Now it?s time to party

Before Romeo say I do

The boys all got together

And got him some tasty brew

(Got him some tasty brew)

Cassius: Hurry Romeo, we are going to miss the fight!

Romeo: I am coming but why is the fight at your house?

Brutus: Umm it?s just a couple of small town boys so we had it here.

[Open door and they walk in]

All: Suprise!

Romeo: What is all this?

Cassius: This, my friend, is your bachelor party. Now before we do anything it?s time to sing the coveted Man song so that Romeo, when he is married, does not forget where he came from and what he is all about. So if the karaoke singers would start us off, we will all join in.

[Tracy Byrd ? Truth about Men]

Rosencrantz: We don't like to go out shoppin',

We don't care what's on sale.

We just want to sit with a bag full of chips,

Watchin' the NFL.

When you come over at half-time,

An' say: "Does this dress fit too tight?"

We just look you in the eye with a big fat lie,

An? say: "Uh, uh: Looks just right."

All: Well, that's the truth about men.

Yeah, that's the truth about us.

We like to hunt and golf on our days off,

Scratch, an' spit, an cuss.

It don't matter what line we hand you,

When we come draggin' in.

We ain't wrong; we ain't sorry,

An' it's probably gonna happen again.

Guildenstern: We hate watchin' "Steel Magnolias".

We like "Rambo" an' "Die Hard 4".

Jump up and down like fools when we see the new tools,

At the Home Depot store.

We don't really wanna take you to dinner,

At some fancy restaurant.

The only reason we do is 'cause we know it leads to,

The one thing that we all want.

All: Well, that's the truth about men.

Yeah, that's the truth about guys.

We'd rather play guitars and work on cars,

Than work on the problems in our lives.

An' though we might say it to you,

Every now and then,

We ain't wrong; we ain't sorry,

An' it's probably gonna happen again.

Macbeth: Well, if you want to know what we're all thinkin',

It's nothing too complex.

It's just somethin' cold for drinkin',

And a whole lot of s-e...

All: Yes! That's the truth about men.

Yeah, that's the truth about us.

We like to hunt and golf an' drive around, lost,

Scratch, an' spit, an' a whole lot of other disgustin' stuff.

It don't matter what line we hand you,

When we come a-crawlin' in.

We ain't wrong; we ain't sorry,

An' it's probably gonna happen again.

We ain't wrong; we ain't sorry,

An' it's probably gonna happen;

Sure, it's gonna happen;

You know it's gonna happen again.

An' that's the truth about men.

Hamlet: And who could forget about the gas, right Uncle Claudius?

Claudius: What are you talking about?

Hamlet: Oh you know exactly what I am talking about. My father?s death was no accident. You turned up the gas!

Claudius: Hamlet, now don?t go pointing fingers. You don?t want this to turn into something where you could get hurt, do you?

Hamlet: I know exactly what I am doing.

Claudius: Alright, it?s time to calm down. Do you want to take this outside?

Hamlet: I don?t know if you could handle this. [Draws sword]

Claudius: Alright, that?s it. It?s on now.

[Everyone goes outside]

Hamlet: Claudius, draw your sword.

[start fighting. Juliet, Gertrude and Mrs. Lear run over]

Juliet: What?s going on here?

[Pause then continue fighting]

Claudius: Nothing. We are just having a disagreement.

Hamlet: He killed my father.

Claudius: [Deep voice] No Hamlet. I am your father.

Hamlet: Really?

Claudius: No it just felt appropriate.

Hamlet: [slays Claudius]

Claudius: Oh how unlikely to be slain by a minor. Thou shalt be a blot on thy record. I took thee not serious enough, thou hast proven me wrong and run me through. I bid you farewell. [dies]

Romeo: Hamlet, are you out of your mind? I must avenge my father?s death now. Prepare yourself!

[start fighting]

Gertrude: No Romeo, stop please. We do not want to cause a scene.

Romeo: [slays Hamlet]

Hamlet: Oh whoa is me. Run through by my cousin Romeo the Dimwitted, IQ of barn temperature...in the winter no less! What an embarrassment. I shall hang my head in shame for the rest of my life...which happens not to be very long at all. [dies]

Romeo: I have gotten my revenge.

Cassius: Romeo, I have a bone to pick with thee. Prepare to duel once more.

Romeo: [Puzzled] Why do you wish to fight me?

Cassius: Thou?s love is not true and thou hast slain Banquo. I have my reasons like that fifty dollars you owe me. You know the minor stuff that gets thee annoyed.

[start fighting]

Gertrude: Romeo, would you quit messing around, people are watching now!

Cassius: [Points] Look, an eagle.

Romeo: Where?

Cassius: [slays Romeo] Ha! Thou hast fallen for the oldest trick in the book.

Romeo: Thou hast outwitted me in a game that does not usually involve wits. I can feel death approaching. It?s starting to go blurry, I cannot see clearly, you are all just dark shades. It must be over, farewell all.

Cassius: Romeo, thou hast been slain in the arm, thou is not dead. Now get up.

Romeo: Oh sorry, my mistake. My contacts must have fallen out.

[Continue fighting]

Cassius: DUCK!

Romeo: There is no way I am falling for that again! [is hit with mud] Ah help, I can?t see. Someone get this mud off me.

Cassius: [slays Romeo]

Romeo: I feel I have been slain yet again but, just to clarify, I have haven?t I?

Cassius: Yes, this time you are slain.

Romeo: Thank you and goodbye cruel world. Thou could not handle another pretty boy.

Juliet: [Picks up sword] Cassius, prepare to meet your maker.

[start fighting]

Juliet: [slays Cassius]

Cassius: For once in my life I am speechless. I bid thee adieu.

Brutus: Fair Juliet, I am afraid I must end your life now.

Juliet: Why do you wish to fight me? Cassius was always pushing you around and making you do things you didn?t want to. Why do you wish to avenge him?

Brutus: [shrugs] Peer pressure.

[starts fighting]

Gertrude: Please, we can still get away without causing too much of a scene.

Brutus: [slays Juliet]

Juliet: Brutus, thou hast suprised me with thy talent. Thou play on equal terms with a lady. [dies]

Daddy Lear: Aww why did you have to go and do that dawg? Now you gonna make me bust a sword in your gut. I was beginning to like you too.

[start fighting]

Daddy Lear: [slays Brutus] Man what?s wrong with you dawg? What were you thinking? I grew up in the Hood, thinking you all tough. What?s up with you, trying to sword a brother. Man you a crazy foo.

[Mrs. Lear walks up behind Daddy Lear]

Mrs. Lear: Oh honey...

Daddy Lear: I am the King! [Attempts to sheath sword but accidentally stabs Mrs. Lear]

Mrs. Lear: Oh, that was not supposed to happen. Well I can say one thing, this is the most excitement our relationship has had in a while.

Daddy Lear: What are you saying?

Mrs. Lear: You were always too tired or writing your stupid rhymes.

Daddy Lear: Someone has to support this family and your spending habits.

Mrs. Lear: Oh you Dutchmen are all the same, you are so cheap.

Daddy Lear: Cheap! Cheap, you call me cheap? It?s called spending your money wisely.

Mrs. Lear: This conversation is over. I am leaving. [dies]

Daddy Lear: You can?t leave, I ain?t done talking to you yet. This is our problem, we never finish these conflicts when they arise. Well this is one conflict we are going to resolve. I am tired of living through the tension. [slays himself]

Gertrude: Oh dear. Oh my. This is...yes it certainly is. Oh we have caused a scene, yes this is definitely a scene. Okay Gertrude, it?s okay. Just breathe through your mouth, in and out, in and out. [starts hyperventilating] We can get through this, we...just get your puffer. It?s not a big scene, no not a big scene...yes, yes it is a big scene, a very big scene. Just breathe. Chest is starting to ache, knees are getting weak, hard to breathe, everything is going dark. [Gasps then dies]

Narrator: Ahem. Umm who should I see about getting paid?

THE END

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CorSec

I made an exception to my rule of laziness...I read something in this forum....good job Drake :lol: :D

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Roethlisberger

Hilarious!

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