Ongoing Comedy 3: Life in the Spice Lane

[Bad furday 57]

"You had kids?!" asked Elirod Rod Rongan incredulously. "she must have done more than just feed you!"

Elirod then cackled and waved the Play Twi'lek magazine.

Anakin responded by grabbing a nearby pan shaped object and gonking Rongan over the head with it.

"With an attitude like that, no wonder I had her killed!" muttered Palpatine, watching the retreating Amidala.

"Huh?" asked Anakin.

"Eh? Oh, nothing Ani, just thinking of being skilled at high altitudes!" Palpatine hastily explained.

Anakin narrowed his eyes.

"You wouldn't be......turning Canadian on me, would you?!" he asked.

"Eh?" snickered Max Veers.

[Andy 60]

"Well, we are still no closer to getting back to normal!" Anakin moaned.

"Yeah, we got to get the timewand fixed somehow...." Palpy said.

"What with? We have no money!" said Veers.

"Well, we'll have to get jobs somewhere..." said Palpy. "We won't find much here, I grew up here."

"What if we go back to Imperial Centre?" asked Elirod.

"I don't think they'd react to us too kindly after we stole that shuttle..." Tarkin commented.

"Tatooine's pretty close, and there's always work there!" Anakin said.

"Hmm, I never liked the Outer Rim," Palpy said, "and that Jabba the Hutt doesn't particularly like me."

"You sissy!" Tarkin said.

"Am not!" Palpy cried.

"Are too!" Tarkin said.

"Am not!" Palpy cried.

"Are too!" Tarkin said.

"Am not!" Palpy cried.

"Are too!" Tarkin said.

"Am not!" Palpy cried.

"Are too!" Tarkin said.

"Okay, that's enough!" Max said.

"Yeah, you're giving me a headache..." said Elirod. "So we'll go to tatooine to find jobs to get enough money to buy the parts to fix this thing"

"Okay..." sobbed Palpy.

* * *

At the Naboo Spaceport, two gaurds where examining the Imperial shuttle that had landed several hours before.

"Yeah, it matches the description of the one that was stolen from the Imperial Palace" one said.

"Who'd steal a shuttle from right under the Emperor's nose?" the other said.

"I hear the Emperor and Vader have gone missing" said the first.

"I heard that too..." started the other. "Stop there, you kids!"

"Why?" asked Tarkin.

"Is this your shuttle?" asked one of the gaurds.

"It is mine." said Palpy.

"Sure it is. You're all under arrest!"

"I don't think so!" said Anakin, gripping one of the gaurds' necks with the Force.

Meanwhile, Palpy chased the other away using a bit of Force lightning.

"Damn, you guys have to teach me that stuff some time." Veers said.

"Not until you're older..." said Anakin.

* * *

Hours later, they arrived at Mos Eisley, Tatooine, to find jobs.

"Meet back here in one hours time" Palpy said.

They all split up and headed off in different directions.

DONE, for now

[Andy 60]

Tarkin wandered down the steps into a shadey cantina, and walked up to the bar.

"Any jobs going?" he asked the bartender.

"Yeah... Hang on..." he said, scratching his head.

He walked off around the back.

Round the back, a young Gungan dropped another tray of ingredients all over the place.

The bartender walked in and saw it. "Hey, Jar Jar Junior" he said.

"Mesa?" JJJ said.

"You see anyone else with that name?"

"Umm, no, mesa don't." said JJJ.

"You're fired, I found someone else to do your job."

"Umm... Okey-day..." he said, puzzled, "What do I doosa?"

"Uh..." The bartender looked around, then shot JJJ in the head with a blaster. "Nothing."

Walking back to the bar, he called over to Tarkin.

"Hey kid, get back here, you're hired."

"Cool" said Tarkin, "I won't let you down"

"Oh, and if you find any dead bodies back there... It, err, wasn't me, okay."

"Uh, sure boss."

* * *

Meanwhile, Palpy was having less luck, he had been hapilly minding his own business when some Gamorrean gaurds had picked him and Elirod up, and where taking him to Jabba's Palace.

"What did I do?" Palpy wailed.

The gaurds threw them down infront of a droid, EV-8D8.

"Ah, more volunteers" 8D8 said.

"Volunteers?" echoed Elirod. "There's been a terrible mistake..."

"That's what they all say."

"You need to get organised, if you have all these mistakes going on" Palpy muttered

"Silence!" 8D8 snapped, "You'll soon learn to respect your masters!"

"Um..." said Palpy

"This is all your fault..." said Elirod.

"My fault?" asked Palpy

"Which part of 'silence' did you not understand?" 8D8 screamed at the pair.

"Well, I know the 'si' part, and the 'ence' sounds familiar too... So I'd say it's the 'l' I don't get" Elirod said.

Palpy s######ed beside him.

* * *

Also happening at this time, Max Veers had given up trying to find a job, and had opted for pickpocketing instead.

So far he had got 112 Imperial Credits, a limited edition datapad from some unknown company, and a cheap duraplast chronometre.

* * *

But, that's not all that was happening! Anakin had taken a shuttle over to Mos Espa, and had found a job as a Podracer Technician.

"You know," his boss, an overweight Duros, was saying to him, "you look a lot like a kid that won the Boonta Eve Classic race about 40 years back... Are you related in any way?"

"You could say that..." Anakin said.

DONE, again...

[Princess 35]

In the space around Nal Hutta...

Karrde was sick and tired of Sissy4U. The computer was killing him with kindness. He was so tempted to take out his blaster and shoot the computer, but he didn't.

"Master Karrde, sir. We are approaching Nal Hutta at this time. Please fasten your crash webbing so that no unfortunate incident will occur to you during atmospheric entry."

Karrde rubbed his blaster and almost shot the computer again but he needed it.

Short, but it'll hopefully get the ball rolling again

[Admiral Daala 0]

Karrde held his breath for a minute.

Getting up he got a comlick and "Yellow HoloBook"

Sitting back down he look through the holo-book. He started searching under "D"

Ah there it was. You got a pesty droid problem? The droid is killing you some how? We'll fix your droid and get you a new and improved one! Call Droid-Busters!

Karrde smiled tightly and put on his crash webbing. He's going to have to make a few calls soon...

This is short too. I don't know if they use Yellow book in other states or in other countrys. But it is a very popular phone book in PA

[Bad furday 57]

The Uwanna Buyer sliced through Nal Hutta's atmosphere. Karrde

fidgeted restlessly in the seat. He couldn't wait for the ship to land. Then, he

would make that call, and SISSY4U would be no more!

Karrde felt like umbuckling his crash webbing and dancing a jig. Glancing

out the Uwanna Buyer's window, Karrde spotted the garrish neon lights

of Nal Hutta's entertainment district. Strangely, he felt a song comming on.

Opening his mouth to antagonize SISSY4U for a few final times, Karrde

suddenly found himself singing,

"Bright light city gonna set my soul

Gonna set my soul on fire

Got a whole lot of money that's ready to burn

So get those stakes up higher

There's a thousand pretty women waitin' out there

And they're all livin' devil may care

And I'm just the devil with love to spare

Viva Las Vegas!

Viva Las Vegas!"

Karrde shook his head in surprise at his sudden outburst. He'd never heard

that song before. He couldn't ever remember hearing about a city called Las

Vegas either. SISSY4U jolted Karrde out of his reverie.

"Sir? Are you alright sir? And may I ask if-"

"Shut up!" roared Karrde.

[Princess 35]

Back on Tattooine...

Anakin decided it was time to pay Jabba back. He went to Jabba's Palace and saw that it was full of activity. He recognized a gold droid in there.

"Threepio! It's me, Master Anakin."

"Master Ani! The Maker! What can I do to assist you?"

"We're stuck here Threepio. I need to pay Jabba back for all that he's done to all of the slaves here."

"I see Master Anakin, what may I do to serve you?"

"Well I need to find a way to get rid of Jabba. There needs to be one less Hutt in this world."

"Master Anakin, I would be glad to help you in this endeavor."

"What Threepio? I thought droids weren't allowed to hurt sentient beings. I'm confused."

"We're not but something has to be done. I haven't had a proper oil bath in 3 standard months. And Mistress Leia must be looking for me."

"Leia... why does that name sound so familiar? I'll worry about it later. Ok Threepio, here's what we're going to do..."

[Admiral Daala 0]

Once again in Nal Hutta's atmsophere... (sp?)

Karrde felt like yelling at SISSY4U some more but he didn't. Taking a deep breath he drummed his fingers on the arm of his chair.

He started humming... it sounded country like. "Sitting on The Dock of a Bay" Karrde was humming away not a care in the galaxy. Huh what? Where did THAT now come from? First the Las Vegas song and now this? Why the dock of a bay? Wouldn't it be a ship dock?

"Sir we shall be successfly entering Nal Hutta in axprompently (sp) eight minutes," SISSY4U said once again driving Karrde out of his own galaxy.

"Huh?" Karrde barked.

"We shall be now entering Nal Hutta in exectly six minutes and twenty-one seconds."

"NO!"

"YES!"

"NO!"

"My dear sir but we WILL be entering Nal Hutta in four minutes."

"Bothan's Blood!"

[Bad furday 57]

Karrde stopped arguing with SISSY4U , gasping for breath. Something

strange was going on. First he wanted to land on Nal Hutta, and now he

didn't. What could have possibly caused him to change his mind ?

An evil cackle from the hold caught Karrde's attention.

Cautiously, Karrde grabbed his blaster and crept towards the hold of the ship.

Peering around the open door, Karrde stared in shock and horror.

A Wookiee was cackling evily, typing away on a data pad. It looked up at Karrde, grinned evily, and then vanished into thin air.

Karrde stood there stunned, not at all sure of what he'd seen.

[Andy 60]

A clattering noise came from further back in the hold, and Karrde went back to see a Wookiee and a human fighting over a datapad. Somehow managing to type in it aswell.

"What the hell are you doing?" Karrde said.

"Uhh, nothing. Just controlling your life." said beeurd, the human.

"You sly old fox" Karrde said.

"Excuse me sir, but what is a fox?" SISSY4U asked, "I find no record of one in my memory banks"

"I don't know," cried Karrde, "I didn't even want to say it!"

The two Psychos cackled evilly, then typed themselves away.

"Are you feeling unwell, sir."

"I think I am... NOT. AM. NOT. I'M ILL!" Karrde clamped his hand over his mouth to prevent himself from saying anything else. "I think I'll go and lie down..."

Karrde walked over to a cargo box, and climbed in.

[Andy 60]

Moments later, Karrde climbed back out of the box.

"That's it... I'm gonna get them" he said, rolling up his sleeves.

Suddenly, boxes and cargo was flying all over the hold as Karrde searched for the two troublemakers. Eventually, Karrde found them hiding behind a wall-panel.

"HA!" he yelled triumphantly.

"Furday!" beeurd yelled. "Write our escape route!"

Furday typed rapidly on the datapad, and then said, "Okay, we just have to get to the escape pod!"

"You had to type that?" Beeurd asked, "I'm sure there was one already..."

Karrde snatched the datapad off Furday.

"Uh oh"

"Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrdaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!!!!!!" Beeurd wailed.

"Sorry" said Furday.

Karrde typed something, and suddenly beeurd was in a small cage, and Furday was rolled up like a carpet waiting to be laid.

"This is not so good..." Furday mumbled.

Just then an R2 unit rolled past, and beeurd grabbed it, and inserted a small datacard - all while Karrde happened to be not looking. He recorded a quick message and sent it off to the escape pod.

After a while, SISSY-4U announced "Escape Pod launched"

"WHAT?" Karrde screamed, and quickly checked that Furday and Beeurd were still safely in the hold. They were.

Then SISSY-4U said "Now landing on Nal Hutta"

"NOO!" Karrde said, and reached for the datapad.

"Whoah!" SISSY-4U said. "It appears, sir, that we have just magically moved to the opposite side of the galaxy." The ship's computer was understandably confused.

"YESSSS!!!" Karrde said, punching the air for emphasis.

Back in the hold, beeurd was talking to Furday, "So what did you really type?"

"Ah..." the rolled-up Wookiee said. "I reprogrammed the escape pod to automatically search for the rest of the Psychos, and I put them on Nal Hutta"

"Why not just write them onto this ship?"

"Uhh..."

After a short silence, Beeurd said "They are going to be so confused."

"What's new?" said Furday.

"I'm soooo bored..." said Beeurd. He noticed a frying pan lying around the floor, so chucked it at Furday.

It gonked on his head, and clattered away.

DONE

We all know what happens when we gonk Furday over the head with a frying pan, don't we!

Tell us a storwy Unca Fuwday!

[Princess 35]

Beeurd waited a minute for Unca Fuwday to start telling a story but it just didn't happen. Beeurd stared blankely at the fur rug.

"What's supposed to happen when you do that?" A confuzled Karrde asked Beeurd.

"Well it's a long story, but my friend Furday here, or Unca Fuwday as he's more affectionately known as, is a fur rug for Princess. Ahh Princess, she's a great Psychopath. We really wouldn't be the same without her around, she's just great. Ah, uh yeah so anyways. Princess says that he's a magical rug and whenever you gonk him on the head with a frying pan, he's supposed to tell a story. He also apparently flies around."

"Wow, he'd sell for a fortune."

"Yeah well apparently it only works for her so we'll have to find Princess on Nal Hutta. Then all will be well with Unca Fuwday again."

"Then let's find Princess." Karrde managed to bring the ship down and set off with Beeurd to find Princess and the other Psychos.

[Andy 60]

* * * * *

Meanwhile, on Nal Hutta...

"Well Furday must be messing with that damn datapad again" Pod was saying.

"And I didn't even get to finish my cheezey hot meal!" CorSec moaned.

"Look!" said Princess, pointing up at an incoming escape pod.

The Psychos scattered out of the way as the pod landed where they had been standing. The hatch opened and an R2-unit rolled out, and played a message, which featured a small image of beeurd:

"Years ago you served GBnet in the Clown Wars..." the message said.

"The Clown Wars?" Hal said. "What's he on about?"

"I knew all that coffee must be bad for him," Rogue said, "he should have stuck to the WD-40"

The other Psychos nodded in agreement.

"...we are stuck aboard Talon Karrde's ship!" The hologram of beeurd was saying. "This is our most desparate hour - Help us, Podly One Kenobi... Or maybe just Pod - you, and the rest of the Psycho's, are our only hope."

The image faded.

"Well, congrats to beeurd for ruining a perfectly good opportunity for a SW quote" Unknown said.

[Bad furday 57]

The Uwana Buyer settled into one of Nal Hutta spaceport's docking bays.

"Docking bay ninety-four..." muttered Karrde. Then, he shot a suspicious glance at Beeurd.

Beeurd attempted to look innocent and hid the datapad.

"Errr..now stay here and guard the ship!" Karrde said to SISSY4U. The ship's computer was taken aback.

"But sir, as you can see, I'm completely immoble and joined to the whole of this ship. The odds of me being able to free myself and-"

"SHUT UP!" roared Karrde.

"Shutting up sir!" said SISSY4U, a bit too cheerfully.

Karrde sighed. Besides finding this Princess person, he'd also have to find a replacement for SISSY4U. The computer was really getting to him.

"All set for our touring about Nal Hutta!" said Beeurd, emerging from the hold with a rolled up Furday under his arm.

A thought bubble appeared over Furday, which said,

"Lurking is more like it...."

Karrde shook his head, not knowing what to make of it.

"We must be wary. On Nal Hutta, you'll never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy!"

A snicker from Beeurd caused Karrde to wheel about.

"Will you stop typing in that thing?!" he asked, pointing to the datapad.

"But mesa doin' nuttin'! " cried Beeurd, " You said it by yourself!"

"Arrrrrghhh!" cried Karrde, clutching his ears. "No Gungan speak, you hear?! None!"

Beeurd smiled slyly.

"Ah yes...a certain I.B. Dhul drove you mad, eh?"

Karrde stared at Beeurd.

"How'd you know about that?!" he asked incredulously.

Beeurd tapped his head and cackled.

A thought bubble appeared over Furday again.

"That's my line!"

[Princess 35]

The Psychos didn't really know what to do. "Anyone got a datapad with them?" Pod asked.

Everyone looked around blankley, then CorSec pulled a small one of out his back pocket, "Will this work?"

"Great!" Pod took a few doses of spice. Everyone else dived into random bomb shelters that just happened to be nearby. Pod started writing frantically and soon everyone was at the Psychopathic Jedi Headquarters and Karrde, Beeurd and Furday were looking in amazement at how they got there.

"Pod! How did you do that?"

"Well it's quite simple...but I can't tell you. Lucasisan guided me. That's all I can say without killing all of you."

Princess slowly peeked out from the couch she was lounging on in the HQ and let out a squeal of delight when she saw her rug. She quickly grabbed Furday from Karrde,spread him out on the floor and gonked him on the head with a frying pan.

[Bad furday 57]

Furday looked around at his surroundings.

"I suppose you'd like me to tell you a story?" he asked the others.

They all nodded, even Karrde, who didn't know what to make of the whole thing.

"Well...a while back, we were all eating dinner in the dining hall...and Dave was telling us about what had happened to him in his class..." Furday told the others.

The others huddled closer, wanting to hear more of the story.

"Well, Dave's teacher had asked them to name things that they were addicted to. Dave says, ' I'm addicted to chocolate....yeah, that and coke!'"

The others laughed, with Pod and Princess laughing loudly and nervously.

"Dave really meant Coca Cola, but neglected to put in the Cola part. His teacher looked at him in shock and horror, as Dave's a straight A student, and that sort of thing.

So did the other students.

'Since they'd only have pot, they were probably like, ' Whoa....he's better than us!'' said Bill, interrupting Dave's story.

'After seeing the look of horror on her face, I said, 'I mean Coca Cola!'' said Dave.

Still...all he had to say was 'coke' and chaos erupted in the class...we all had a good laugh about that!" said Furday, finishing his story.

[Ender 8]

Off in the distance, Janson lands his Light Carrier Sand Panther, puts on his MJOLNIR armor, straps his MA5B to his back, and clips his lightsabers onto his belt. Next to him are Kyle Katarn and Wes Janson. Janson puts on his helmet, nods to Kyle and Wes, and they walk off to Psychopathic HQ.

"Why are we here again?" Kyle asked.

"Because they are the only ones who can help us fight off the Covenant invasion task force." Andrew replied

"I see."

They continued to walk, and suddenly a gang of Grunts jumped out of nowhere. They quickly dispatched them with shots to their heads.

"Dammit, they're already here." Wes said.

"Let's move, let's move!" Janson said.

They made their way to HQ, where Pod, Princess, and the others were gathered around Furday, who appeared to be telling stories. The three warriors approached them, and Pod stood up.

"Who are you?" she asked. "Why did you interrupt story time?"

"Yeah, meanies!" CorSec said, making some stupid Matrix move with his hands.

"There's no time." Janson said. "There is an alien scourge invading our galaxy. If we dont stop them quickly, they could destroy us all."

"I see... and why do you need our help?" Princess asked.

"Wes?" Janson asked his brother.

"Because the pure insanity that pours off you is a powerful weapon. We think we can harness its power to be able to fight off the Covenant." Wes said.

"The Covenant?" Furday asked. "Is that the aliens?"

"Yes." Kyle said. "But we've got to hurry. We just escaped a Covenant task force, they'll probably follow us."

And with those words, some Covenant tear-drop ships appeared in orbit. They began to deploy troop carriers and Banshee fighters.

"Sithspit, they're already here. We've got to move, unless you'd like to become a ball of fire!" Janson said.

[Bad furday 57]

"Um..yeah..." muttered Furday skeptically. He handed Janson a bottle marked, Psycho Insanity!...I think?!?!.

"And um, you'll also need this..." Furday took the datapad and wrote Janson ("We must slay Covenant!") and CorSec (Enter the Matrix! Wooha!") onto their own Corellian Corvette, which was busy blowing the Covenant ships out of the air. Wes Janson and Kyle Katarn joined the pair, and set off towards the ship's galley, looking for something to eat.

For good measure, Furday also wrote the Grunts and other troops into floating in Coruscant's sky, waiting helplessly for Janson ("Die Covenant, die!!!") and CorSec ("Neo...you must choose the red cheese...or the blue cheese") to slay them.

"Well, that takes care of that!" said Furday, looking around at the Psychos clustered around him in Psycho HQ.

Karrde stood there, not knowing what to say.

Then, he transported the rest of them back to Nal Hutta.

[Andy 60]

Beeurd just stood there.

"What just happened... I'm confuseded"

Furday pointed to the datapad.

"Ah, it all makes perfect nonsense now" beeurd said.

> Damn, I forgot what I was going to say... lol

[Bad furday 57]

The Psychos and Karrde emerged on a crowded street on Nal Hutta.

The bright neon lights of the city reflected in the pavement, and caused some members of the group to be interesting shades of colour.

Beeurd for one, did not look pleased to be pink. Princess snickered at Beeurd, and pointed him out to Pod, who gave a shudder.

Furday turned himself into a Wookiee again, and they all set off down the street.

A sign up ahead caught the attention of Beeurd.

"Say, isn't that an Ewok Donald's?!" cried Beeurd. Curious, he ran towards it.

The others ran after him.

"I'm hungry." grumbled Sticks.

[Admiral Daala 0]

They walked into the Ewok Donald's.

There were to people at the counter a male Twi'lek and a female human. The girl's eyes popped upon seeing the Psychos and Karrde. She whispered something to the Twi'lek and after he nodded she ran off.

The Psychos looked at everyone and shrugged. "Must be a fan." Beeurd said. "They must not get many repeat service if their workers run off like that!" Furday grumbled.

"Will you guess please shut up and order?" Sticks asked. "Say I think I know that kid!" Karrde exclaimed. "Who is she?" Janson asked.

"A smuggler?" Karrde guessed.

[Ender 8]

"She looked a little like my sister..." CorSec said

"I dunno. "Let's just eat and get out of here" Princess said.

"In a hurry, are we?" Janson asked.

"No, just scared... there's a big goddamn spider on the wall behind me." Princess replied.

Janson unslung his assault rifle and blasted the spider. He reslung it and stepped up to the counter. The others followed.

[Andy 60]

"Do you have to?" Unknown said to Janson.

"Of course!" Janson said.

Pod smacked her head off the table. "Well can you try to stop it?"

"Yeah" Unknown said.

"...or at least fit a silencer" Pod added quickly, as though the thought of agreeing with Unknown was too much to handle.

"Pineapples!" Beeurd said.

Everyone looked round at him.

"What?" they all said at once.

"Thanks, I've been trying to get your attenetion for the last ten minutes..." said Beeurd. "I think we should go to Tatooine and help those poor kids we confused"

"But, Beeurd, they are evil!" Vic said

"Exactly!" said Beeurd, "What's an Empire without it's evil leaders?"

* * * * *

Meanwhile, on Imperial Centre:

"Peace, man" said the newcomer to the Throne Room.

"Peace..." the man on the former-Emperor's Throne. "We've secured the planet, man! It's ours - the last pockets of resistance finally got hold of our spice, and have joined our crusade of Peace!"

"No way! This is excellent news! From this day forth the Galactic Empire shall be known as the Free Colonies of Hippydom"

"Wow. That is a truly magnificent name, I wish I could come up with that, Great One."

"No, call me Steve" said the leader of the FCoH, "we are all as equals in this great community"

"Yes, oh Great Steve"

"No, just Steve will do, Niall..." said Steve.

"Sorry, Steve."

"It's okay Niall."

There was an awkward silence. Possibly the effects of the Spice were wearing off.

"Uh... How's the wife?" Niall asked.

"I'm not married... But my girlfriend is fine." Steve said.

"Oh."

* * * * *

Beeurd shuddered.

Furday gasped "Did you just think that, or type it aswell?"

"Uhh..." Beeurd thought for a moment, "I uhh... typed it accidently"

"Force, Beeurd!" Pod screamed. "Now we have a galaxy full of hippies!"

"Sorry..." Beeurd said sheepishly.

"Baa!" said Drake.

[Bad furday 57]

Furday thought for a minute. Then, he typed on the datapad and whistled.

Moments later, a border collie ran into the Ewok Donald's, and herded Drake out the door, nipping at his heels.

The rest of the Psychos, and Karrde laughed.

The shock of being around the Psychos was wearing off, and there wasn't much more they could do that would surprise him.

"Yeah, whaddaya want?!" sneered the Twi'lek behind the counter.

"You got any glazed doughnuts?!" cried Sticks.

"NO! We're outta glazed doughnuts!" shouted the Twi'lek. Then, he paused, looking confused.

An evil cackle from Furday typing on the datapad revealed all.