Ongoing Comedy 5: Return of the Jedi Punks

[Princess 35]

On board Harlequinn....

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! Tenel Ka don't do it! Don't drink that caf! Don't you see, Grandpa's trying to make you insane again! Can't you see the error of your ways?"

"Jacen stop being such a baby. Personally I like this caffeine high, it's better than the woozy drunk feeling that I always used to have, it's a clean feeling. Also, I'm tired and we have a lot more work to do, so I need to stay awake and this CorSec strength caf is the perfect way to do this. Now are you going to drink yours or am I going to have to force you to do it?"

"Ok fine, I'll drink it! But only to get you to stop nagging me. Sheesh woman. Why did I ever marry you?" Tenel Ka glared at Jacen and shoved the cup of caf at him. "Ok, sorry honey, marrying you was the best decision of my life and I've been ever so happy since we've been married." Jacen took a sip of his caf. "Mmmm this is good baby. So what's next on our agenda?"

"Well, first we have to get you into some proper clothes and get rid of that disgusting combover that you're wearing. Now let's see...." Tenel Ka wandered over to the closet and makeup center and started tossing things over her shoulder while muttering to herself. Jacen was suddenly more scared than he had ever been, and he'd faced a lot of scary things in his life.

Meanwhile, Lord Vader was sitting at the comm unit and attempting to locate his grandson Anakin. He dialed into the Jedi Temple and a young Sullusten named Yun Yurb answered the call. Vader smile. "Hello Yun Yurb, is my grandson Anakin around?"

"Lord Vader! Well, he is but he's in the Room of 1000 Fountains going on about how the Feng Shui is all wrong. He has asked not to be disturbed."

"Well Yun Yurb, I'd like you to go get him for me and tell him that his grandfather would like to speak with him. I need to arrange for him to get the Feng Shui correct on my new ship, it feels off."

"Right away Lord Vader. It'll take me a few moments to find him though."

"That's ok, I will wait here for you."

"Very well Lord Vader. Please wait while I place you on hold."

[Mara 29]

Third Death Star...

Ben continued to think about his situation. He had decided to do what was right, no matter how much he wanted to be famous and get back at the Punks for not letting him in their band. He had to stop Emperor Palp... er, E. Palpy. His album deal might just be a coverup for taking over the galaxy again. It had to be, otherwise why would he have built another Death Star? Plus there was the matter of the little Gungan stormtrooper figurines in grandpa's secret hangar.. What did Grandpa Vader have to do with any of this?

Ben decided that the best way to save everyone, figure out Grandpa's connection and fix everything was to join with the Emperor. Not to become a famous rock star, he had to remind himself, but to save the galaxy. Yes.

Just then the interrogation room door opened and E. Palpy walked in.

Ben stared at him in horror.

E. Palpy looked down, then back at Ben. "What is wrong, young Skywalker?"

"Er... your pants.... they're falling down."

He laughed. "No, no. This is style."

"But I can see your underwear!"

E. Palpy cleared his throat. "Nevermind that. What is your decision?"

Ben took a deep breath. I hope I don't regret this....

"I want to join you. I want, I need, to be a rock star. You can help me achieve that."

He added, "It's time to teach my Jedi Punk cousins a lesson." Ben tried to smile.

E.Palpy smiled back with a sneer. "Yes, you are right. And afterwards both our platinum selling albums will take over the galaxy's charts.... and we shall rule the galaxy!" He cackled evilly.

Ben joined in, albeit halfheartedly, but E. Palpy didn't notice. He was busy cackling.

.......

Theed Palace, Naboo....

"Since when did Gungans become such good shots?" shouted Mara as she deflected another bolt with her lightsaber.

"I don't know!" answered Luke. His saber was also flashing back and forth deflecting shots.

A Gungan trooper fell, a hole smoking in his armor. A joyous cry came from Han.

He continued returning fire as Leia, Luke and Mara continued to deflect away the troopers' bolts.

.....

Third Death Star, E. Palpy's private quarters....

Ben sat in the antechambers. He felt ridiculous in his new clothes. But alas, E. Palpy said he must dress the part if he wanted it badly enough.

An unidentified flunky came up to Ben. "He will see you now."

Ben nodded and got up, following the man into E. Palpy's quarters.

"Ahh... my young Skywalker. You certainly look the part now. You are now ready to take over the galaxy with your music."

"Are you sure these are right? Sir? These, what did you call them? Jeans? Seem way too tight. I can barely walk. And this tunic tee shirt thing is quite snug too."

"You wanted to be a rock star." E. Palpy looked down at Ben through his diamond encrusted sunglasses.

"Yes, sir."

"Wonderful. I got you a present." He rustled behind his throne and brought forth an electirc guitar. "For you! I was assured it is the very latest design and style." He beamed.

"Uh... yes. Thank you." Ben took the guitar from his hands.

"Now. One last thing your name. You certainly cannot be a rockstar with a name like Ben Skywalker."

"I.. I can't?"

"Oh, no. I changed my name to be a rap star. You must change yours too.

You will be....

.... Ben Dagger!"

[Mara 29]

Theed Palace, Naboo..

A final blaster shot rang through the lobby, dropping the last Gungan trooper.

"Now what?" asked Han.

"Well, we came here to find our son," answered Mara. "And I intend to do just that." She stalked away to another turbolift on the far side of the lobby.

"Uhh.... Han, you and Leia find out where all those troopers came from..." added Luke as he hurried to catch up with his wife.

Han turned to Leia.

"Now what?"

.....

Third Death Star....

Ben was in his chambers, having finally a moment to himself after E. Palpy's publicist and photographer were making promo holofliers announcing their big concert two days from now.

He shook his head and put away his guitar. He couldn't believe what he had gotten himself into. He just hoped that he would find a way during the concert to take down Palpy without taking himself with him. The Punks were no help, now that they all went sane. He tried, but they were too stuck in their ways. It was all up to him now.

He sighed and undressed for bed.

[Princess 35]

Anakin took his X-wing up to Harlequinn and landed in docking bay 1138. Something felt off. Usually Grandpa had him dock much closer to the bridge. He shrugged. Vader had been acting a bit odd lately anyways. He hopped out of his x-wing and suddenly the docking bay filled with a thick green smoke and Anakin passed out in the docking bay.

To be continued!

[Princess 35]

Anakin came to in the cargo hold of Harlequinn. That Ewok Yub Yub must have sold him out. Why would Grandpa drug him like this? And why was the Feng Shui so wrong in this hold? Anakin sent out a silent call through the Force 'Get me out of here!!!!!'

Jacen heard the call and wandered into the hold with a cup of steaming caf in hand. He had died his hair purple and gotten a hold of some SuperCoolToughGuyHairGel and had spiked his hair into a mohawk. He had shredded his Jedi tunic and had on some skin tight pants. "Whazzup lil bro!!! So glad that you decided to join us again."

"Jacen! What's happened to you?"

"Eh, sanity is so totally overrated. Tenel Ka convinced me to come back to the Punk side and I'm glad that she did because sanity is so overrated. Besides, Palpatine is back and we're the only people that can defeat him. So what say you little brother?"

Anakin shrugged. "Sure, teaching at the Jedi Temple was boring. But there's one condition."

"What's that?"

"You have to help me get the Feng Shui right on this ship."

Jacen groaned. "Deal. Now here's a cup of caf for you. Let's go on up and get you looking like a Punk again. And then we have to rescue Tahiri. She's stranded on Tatooine."

Edited October 31, 2006 by Princess

[Andy 60]

Meanwhile, on Tatooine, Tahiri skipped nakedly through the sand dunes. A nearby moisture farmer stared in shock and crashed into a vaporator.

She stopped when Harlequinn landed in front of her.

Vader was the first to step down the ramp. He took one look at her naked body and fainted.

Tenel Ka gasped, and Jacen stared at her... her... Jacen stared at her. Then recieved a swift slap from Tenel Ka.

Anakin pushed his way past, now back in his punkified outfit with his hair dyed red, "Tahiri!"

Tahiri's eyes lit up, "Anakin! What are you doing here? Have you come to be free in the glorious naturelyness of the Tatooine suns?"

"Umm, no." Anakin sighed, "We came to return you to the Punk Side! By the way where are your clothes?"

"I burned them!" Tahiri giggled, "I decided that clothes in general, not just shoes, were invented by the Sith."

"I have never understood that girl," muttered Tenel Ka, "I mean, what kind of girl doesn't like shoes!?"

Anakin removed his jacket. "It may take a while to convince her to come back with us," he said. He grabbed Tahiri's hand and they ran off behind the dunes, leaving trail of clothes.

"Oh boy," Jacen sighed. He looked over at Tenel Ka, and winked, "maybe we should, uh, go inside."

Tenel Ka slapped him (again), then walked back into the ship.

"What?" Jacen rubbed his face, "what did I say?"

Jacen stopped helped his grandpa Vader up.

"Somebody warn me next time," Vader said. "I'm getting too old for that sort of thing."

* * * * *

Several hours later, Anakin, and a punkified Tahiri walked in, with sly grins on their faces.

"I don't want to know what you've been up to," Vader said as they walked in.

"I don't like sand," Anakin groaned as he scratched a private area. "It's coarse and rough and irritating and it gets everywhere."

"Why does that sound oddly familiar?" Vader asked.

[Radioactive Isotope 29]

LMAO!

[Andy 60]

:D

[Princess 35]

Posting! But unfortunately later tonight because I just bumped the touchpad on my laptop and deleted half my post

[Mara 29]

Naboo...

Mara burst into Padme's private quarters, with Luke right behind her.

"Where's our son?"

Padme glanced up, surprised. "Your son? You mean Ben? He hasn't been here for a few days. He left."

"What did you do to my son?!"

"Mara... chill......"

"I will not chill! I want my son!"

Luke looked over at his mother and just shrugged.

"Mara, dear, I have some pills...." spoke Padme.

......

Third Death Star, landing bay....

Ben Dagger and E. Palpy were preparing to board their shuttle that would take them to their concert kick off destination.

Ben dragged his guitar case aboard and stowed it in the back somewhere. He sighed. He knew he was taking an awful big risk following Palpy around, while hoping to destroy him.

E. Palpy came into the shuttle.

"Ready my apprentice?"

"Apprentice?"

"Yes, er.... understudy? Yes. Apprentice musician. That's what I meant."

"Uh, okay. Yeah."

"Good." E. Palpy hitched up his pants and went forward to sit down and buckle up.

Ben also did so.

Moments later the shuttle took off, heading through hyperspace towards its concert destination.

.....

Naboo....

Luke sat down his cup of caf. "Thanks for letting us stay and calm down, mom."

"No problem, sweetie. Will your wife be okay?"

"Oh, yeah... fine. Those pills worked great. Can I...?"

Padme smiled. "Of course." She tossed Luke a bottle."

"Thanks." He turned to Mara. "All right, hon. Time to go on the ship and find Ben."

A couple snores came Luke's way. He picked her up and waved to his mom before leaving the chambers.

.....

Han and Leia were wandering around Theed Palace, looking for the location of the Gungan troopers.

"I don't see anything. This is a wild gundark chase."

"Patience, Han. I think I sense something....below us..."

"Great. So they're in the floor, embeded in permacrete."

"No. Below that. Is there a hangar or storage chamber in this place?"

"How should I know? It's your mom."

"Han...." Leia was getting exasperated with her husband.

"What?"

"Just forget." She stalked off, looking for a way to the floor below them.

.....

Aboard the Jade's Sabre, Luke set Mara down in their cabin and headed towards the cockpit. Before taking off, he decided to check the HoloNews.

The same old headlines came through. He was about to shut it off when something caught his eye. He turned up the volume.

...." Rapper and former Emperor, E. Palpy has announced his new galaxy tour, kicking off tomorrow night standard time on the planet of Nar Shaddaa.... he will be fronted by new young upstart rocker Ben Dagger.... The duo will be performing....

Luke shut off the HoloNews. He had to do something. His own son was traveling with Palpatine. And his wife was in a sleepy coma state. What could he do.

He throught a while, then an idea came to him. Mara wouldn't like it, but well, she wasn't being Mara right now. He punched in the coordinates and sat back, hoping he'd be back in time.

Sorry.... you must have posted that while I was working on my post......

Edited November 1, 2006 by Mara

[Princess 35]

No worries. I'll make it work

[Princess 35]

Padme's comlink beeped. She put aside the book that she was reading and went to answer at the screen off in the corner of her sitting room. "Ani! What is it honey? Have you found all of the children yet?"

"Ahh Padme schnookums, it's so good to see you. Things are crazy here on Harlequinn. Tenel Ka and Jacen are off "bonding" and I believe that Anakin is convincing Tahiri that clothing is necessary and not of the Sith. I've decided to stay in my hyperbaric chamber and block out everything that they're projecting because it makes me miss you so much baby."

"I miss you too honey. We'll have to take a vacation to the hill country when you come home finally. Is there anything that I can do for you while you're away hon?"

"Well, now that you mention it, I do need your help with Jaina and Zekk. I need to get Jaina out of politics and back into the band. I need her so embarassed in the Senate that she runs back to the band crying."

Padme smiled. "I know just the thing my love. I'll head to Coruscant as soon as I can get there. See you soon baby."

"Bye darling." Vader turned off the comlink and started meditating.

Elsewhere on Harlequinn...

"Tahiri! Darling, as much as I love seeing you embracing this new belief of yours that clothes are of the Sith, you really must put something on. What if Uncle Luke sees you and decides to turn the Jedi Academy into a nudist colony again?"

"Would that really be so bad Anakin?"

"Think about it Tahiri. It'd mean seeing Uncle Luke naked again."

Tahiri thought for a minute and shuddered. "All right! I'll put some clothes on! And I won't even mention my philosophy that clothes are of the Dark Side around Uncle Luke."

Anakin breathed a sigh of relief. "Thank you baby." He handed her a robe and they headed off to the closet that Grandpa had stocked with punk clothing and hair dye.

*********

On Coruscant...

Jaina was busy in her office working on the speech that she was supposed to be giving on the trading right of Ewoks and how it affected the economy on Kahdrock XII. However the speech just wasn't coming to her. Threepio was being his usual annoying self and was really driving Jaina crazy. "Threepio! If you don't shut up, I'm going to send you back to the Jawas on Tatooine."

"Forgive me Mistress Jaina, I'm just trying to help and after all, this is what I'm programmed for." Jaina glared at Threepio while the door chimed. Threepio tottered over to answer it. "Mistress Padme! How good to see you. Mistress Jaina is most frustrated because this speech isn't coming to her. she's being quite verbally abusive to me."

"Threepio, why don't you go and get my things off my ship and move them to my quarters. I'll help Jaina here."

"What an excellent idea Mistress Padme! I'm more than happy to oblige!" Threepio was more than happy to leave Jaina, there were some times that she was so much like her Grandfather.

"Oh thank you grandma. Threepio can be so trying at times."

"I know darling. Now what seems to be the problem?"

"This speech just isn't coming to me. What the Ewoks are doing is so important to my people and yet I can't come up with a speech and session starts in 20 minutes. What do I do Grandma?"

"I'll tell you what I do baby girl. Have a cup of tea, in fact, I'll make you one and then go out there and speak from the heart. My best speeches came that way."

"Sounds like a good idea grandma."

"Perfect. I'll make you my special tea."

20 minutes later...

Jaina stood before the podium ready to give her speech. Padme had given her great advice, however, her stomach was slightly upset. She keyed on her mic. "Distinguished colleagues, I stand before you today so that we may consider the plight of some of the galaxy's smallest and most industrious inhabitants, the Ewoks." Jaina shifted, her stomach was feeling even gassier now. "The Ewoks have been working very hard growing herbs to cure the various ills of the galaxy and now people are farming them and blending them for drinks. We must stop this atrocity at once!" With the extra emphasis Jaina let out a large fart that reverberated throughout the entire Senate chamber. The fart was SO loud that her platform seemed to shake. The Wookies nearby were bellowing from the smell. Jaina was mortified. She ran from the chamber in tears.

[Mara 29]

Nar Shaddaa....big concert stage....

Preparations were in full swing on Nar Shaddaa's big concert stage in order to get ready for the biggest concert of the millenium. Young Hutt stage hands were slithering around hanging lights and prepping amps and speakers. Twi'leks were prepping the mosh pit and setting up chairs in front of the stage.

E. Palpy was standing on the sidelines, watching, and rubbing his hands together in pleasure.

"Good.... good....." he rambled to himself.

Meanwhile...

Ben was searching around their posh hotel suite and trying to think of ways to bring Palpy down. Exhausted, he fell down on a couch and lay down.

Maybe I could .... no, that wouldn't work. I can't use the Force to bring him down, he'd sense it...

Hmm.... I could rig the lights or something... to fall on him during his set... as long as they stay up there while I perform..... maybe......

He continued thinking and eventually fell asleep.

....

Naboo...

"It's empty! What's the big deal?" Han said, surveying the secret underground hangar.

"Yes, but I don't think it was always empty." Leia crouched down and passed a finger along the permacrete. Then she got up and walked towards some boxes.

"Ben."

"What?"

"Ben, Han. Ben was here. I sense a lingering presence."

"So....."

"I'm not sure. He's not here any more.

Wait...." She moved to another wall and picked up something. Han came over to her.

"What is it?"

She held it up to the light. "It looks like.... like a tiny stormtrooper helmet..." Leia looked up at Han.

"I knew it! I told you that guy was bad news."

"I suppose we'd better talk to mother." Leia surmised, with a wry smile.

....

Jade's Sabre....

Mara yawned and wandered up to the cockpit.

"Hi, honey. You're awake. How do you feel?"

"I love purple pickles."

"Ah, those pills. They havent' worn off yet," Luke answered to Mara's confused look.

"Don't worry. I've just thought of something to help Ben. Okay?"

She nodded. Mara didn't understand it. She couldn't remember the last few hours. She remembered taking some of Padme's pills. Then nothing, until now. And furthermore, she had control over her mind, but not her mouth. She knew she was sane, but utter nonsense came out of her mouth.

Mara sat down next to Luke, figuring to wait until the pills wore off. She glanced at the console, trying to figure out where they were going. When she figured it out, she shot up and glared at Luke.

"Always check your arm before grilling eggs! Love me a nice ninja!"

"Uh, I know you're upset, Mara, but it was the only thing I could think of. I'm going to pick them up, perhaps they'll help us fight those Gungans. All the better to rescue Ben, right?"

Mara clenched her teeth and stalked out of the cockpit.

Luke shrugged. I don't know which is better, her regular murderous angry self, or this angry pill induced nonsense... He decided to slip some more pills into her next meal. Maybe it'd shut her down completely. That last batch only seemed to shut off her mouth.

After she was gone, he opened up the comm to call in some favors for some transport ships.

Edited November 7, 2006 by Mara

[Mara 29]

Nar Shaddaa....

Ben was nervous. It was concert day and he had to go on stage in a few hours. First of all, he still had no idea what he was going to do to take down Palpy. And second of all, he couldn't sing OR play guitar. At all. He sighed.

He wandered out of the hotel and down towards the concert stage to see how the preparations were going. On the way he saw millions of holoposters highlighting the concert. They showed various views and poses of him and E. Palpy performing songs he'd never heard before.

Fearing he'd be recognized, he lowered his head and hurried towards the stage area.

E. Palpy was there, overseeing the final touches. He saw Ben and motioned him over. Begrungingly, Ben went over to him.

"Ahh, Ben! Good, you're here. It's time for sound checks."

"Uhh, what?"

"We play a bit and the sound guys check to make sure everything is set right."

"Oh. Right. But I forgot my--" Ben stopped, when he felt the guitar in his hands. He was puzzled.

"Forgot what?" Palpy raised his eyebrows.

"Oh, nothing."

Ben stared at the guitar for a while, waiting to go on stage and pratice for the sound check. He shook it. He listened to it. It seemed normal. But somehow, magical also.

He shrugged and tried to focus on the concert to come by looking around for anything he could sabotage.

Aha....

Ben glanced around, and, seeing Palpy had moved away, slunk over to the backstage area. He was messing around with some strings and such when something tapped him on the shoulder.

He looked up and gasped. It was a Gungan in stormtrooper garb, just like the figurines he had seen in his grandfather's secret hangar. But real. And bigger.

"What's yousa doing over here?"

"Fixing something...."

"Yousa a coming with meesa." The Gungan hefted his blaster rifle and pointed it at Ben.

"But.. but.... I'm Ben Dagger! Yeah!" Ben flourished his guitar. "See!"

The Gungan looked about to say something when another voice came over the loudspeaker.

"Ben Dagger, to the stage for sound checks.... Ben Dagger, to the stage for sound checks...."

Ben shrugged and ran away from the Gungan trooper.

Oh no... no, no, no...... Grandpa is involved in all this...... And I don't know where my parents are..... and the Punks are all sane.....

Ben was beginning to feel like a little boy again and not at all like a fake famous rock star as he headed to the front of the stage.

I wish I had just stayed home.....

More to come.....

Edited November 9, 2006 by Mara

[Mara 29]

Naboo....

"Mom? Mom? Where are you?" Leia looked through Padme's expansive quarters. "She's not here, Han."

"Well, then. Mission accomplished." He yawned.

"Han...." Leia gave him a look.

Han knew that look. Blast...

"Yes, honey. We'll keep trying to figure this out. " He added, under his breath, "Like it even matters.."

"What?"

"Nothing.

So what know? Go find the Grand Master himself? Or what?"

"I don't know, Han. This whole situation seems.... weird. Father going evil again.... mother missing right when we need to talk to her.... those Gungan troopers....."

"Uh.... Leia, you have to look at this." He pointed to the holovision. It was advertising the biggest concert of the millenium.

She gasped. "That's Ben!"

"Yeah, and Palpatine. We'd better tell Mara and Luke."

"No time, we have to go there."

"Yes, dear." The couple hurried out of there to get to the Falcon.

.....

Nar Shaddaa....

Ben was feeling really nervous standing on stage, even though there wasn't an audience this time. He didn't have any music or singing skills.... he couldn't play his guitar.... He bit his lower lip.

"Okay, go ahead...." announced a random flunkie.

Ben took a deep breath and strummed once on the guitar. It actually sounded on key. Surprised, he tried again, and before he knew it, his hands were out his control and under the guitar's spell.

He couldn't believe it, he was actually rocking it out. He decided to start singing.

A few minutes later, exhausted, Ben collapsed, amid applause from E. Palpy.

"Brilliant! You will do fine tonight, my boy."

Ben nodded and dragged himself offstage while Palpy got himself set up and then began rapping some nonsense.

......

Jade's Sabre, somewhere in hyperspace...

Luke glanced at his chrono. He hoped he wouldn't be too late. He knew he was catching it close. He set his chrono to alarm when the concert was supposed to start. With any luck he'd make it there before then.

He and the captains of the transports had set up coordinates and positions for surrounding Nar Shaddaa until Luke figured out what exactly was going on and when they'd be needed.

He crossed his fingers and waited out the last few hours.

[Princess 35]

Zekk was busy in his and Jaina's apartment when Jaina burst into the room crying. Zekk immediately dropped his feather duster and went and gathered her into his arms and pulled her down onto the couch. "What's wrong baby?"

Jaina sniffed and pulled away from him, mascara running in tear trails down her cheeks. "I was giving my speech in the senate, and my stomach was all upset, and I farted! And it was really loud! And everyone laughed at me! It was mortifying! I can never go back there again! I'm the laughing stock of the senate!" Jaina eyed Zekk warily. "And stop laughing it wasn't funny!"

Zekk kept his face straight. "I wasn't laughing at you baby!"

"Yes you were! I could sense it through the Force!"

Zekk sighed. Sometimes being married to a Jedi was really no fun. "I'm sorry babe but I just remember some of the farts that you let out around the house sometimes and if you let one of those go in the Senate I'm surprised that the Senators surrounding you are still alive."

Jaina shrieked in anger and started punching Zekk. He just laughed and grabbed her fists until she gave up. Jaina pouted. "This isn't funny Zekk."

"Sure it is baby. And in a few days, you'll be laughing about it to."

Jaina sighed. "I have to get off of Coruscant for a while. What shall we do?"

"Well, while you were at the Senate, your grandfather called and would like us to come see his new ship. He named it Harlequinn and apparently it's a Super Star Destroyer like his old Executor. It sounded like a good time to me."

Jaina thought for a minute. "Ok, and I haven't seen my grandfather in a while. It'd be good to go visit him. But what about the girls? They can't miss that much school."

"I called Yoda. He said that he'd be more than happy to watch them while we're gone. And something about playing tea-party again. We really need to look into getting him in a retirement home. He's how old not? 1,100?"

"He's not that old. But he is getting pretty senile. Are you sure that the girls will be ok with him?"

"Absolutely. They'll watch him as much as he'll watch them. That way, no one gets into trouble."

"Good idea." Jaina stood. "Allie! Allie! Pack your bags. You're going to spend a week with Yoda." Jaina smiled when she heard the girls cheer.

****

Yoda answered the door promplty after Jaina rang the buzzer. "Zekk. Jaina. Allie. Allie. Good to see you again it is hmmmmmm. Heh heh. Much fun I have planned for the girls after school. Tea party. Dress up. Combat survival. All good things for young girls. Have fun on second honeymoon. Do not anthing that I would not do." Allie and Allie grinned and rushed around their parents into Yoda's apartment. Yoda smiled. "Take care of them I will like they were my own. Now go."

"Good bye Master Yoda and thank you." Jaina bowed to the old Jedi Master and gave him a kiss on his cheek. "I do hope the girls won't be too much trouble for you."

"Never will they be too much trouble. Enjoy their company I do. Go now or see not your grandfather will you."

"Yes Yoda." Jaina answered as she and Zekk left to hitch a ride on up to Harlequinn, which was throwing ominious shadows over the cityscape of Coruscant.

*******

Jaina and Zekk were shocked when they entered the lounge onboard the ship. Everyone was there except Lowie and they were all dressed in punk clothes again. And worst of all, the holo of Jaina farting in the Senate was playing on a big screen holoscreen on the HoloNetNews. Jaina shrieked in outrage. "HOW COULD YOU GUYS WATCH THIS STUFF?!?!"

The Punks all gulped and Zekk backed slowly away from his wife. "Uh hi Jaina," Anakin ventured. "We were just catching the news and we saw what happened. How horrible for you. Guess you won't be a Senator anymore. We heard that the planet that you were representing called a vote of no confidence in your representation."

"THEY DID WHAT? THOSE SLIMEY, HALF-WITTED, NO GOOD NERFHERDERD!"

Zekk smirked. "Baby, you forgot scruffy looking."

Jaina glared. "No I didn't, because then I'd be insulting dad."

"Oh."

Jaina turned back to her younger brother. "So what are you guys up to?"

"Well, the Emperor is back and he's plotting to take over the galaxy again, so our plan of action is to pick up you and Zekk and then swing by Kashyyk and pick up Lowie and then save the galaxy once again. And we're gonnadothiswithoutanyalcoholatall!"

"Whoa lil bro. Slow down. What's wrong with you? You're like a squirrel on speed."

"Ohthat'sjustthisuberlyawesomecafthatgrandpa'sbeenmakingforus. It'sbetterthanWD40. I'm even writing a new song about it. You get changed back into Punk gear and I'll sing it for you."

"Fine. It's not like I can show my face in politics again anyways." Jaina headed over towards the closet and started looking at the latest flight suits and tube tops while Anakin got out some flimsi.

"Ok, here it goes sis. I call it Caffeine High.

I wasn't looking for a buzztime with you

And I never thought it would hurt just to hear

"No cream" and "no sugar"

And I do a number on myself

And all that I thought to be

And you'll be the one

That just left me undone

By my own, addiction

and for the million cups that I drank

well I'll smile and remember it all

then I'll turn and go

while your pot's completed mine is a long way from done.

Well I'm on a caffeine high

Where will I be when I stop wondering why

On a caffeine high

I'd toast to the future but that'd be a lie

On a caffeine high, high

Spring turned to summer

But then winter turned to mean

The caffeine seemed right

At the time it was best - to drink

And to drink some more

What I once thought was gross and so nasty - to me

And while I'm still drinking

On the quest for my high

I'm at your - coffee shop

and for the million cups that I drank

well I'll smile and remember it all

then I'll turn and go

while your pot's completed mine is a long way from done.

Well I'm on a caffeine high

Where will I be when I stop wondering why

On a caffeine high

I'd toast to the future but that'd be a lie

On a caffeine high, high

Your cups been filed to the top

Well now it'll be your thing that's new

Yeah what little I have you can borrow

'Cause I'm cold and I'm blue...

and for the million cups that I drank

well I'll smile and remember it all

then I'll turn and go

while your pot's completed mine is a long way from done.

Well I'm on a caffeine high (so high)

Where will I be when I stop wondering why

On a caffeine high (so high)

Toast to the future but that'd be a lie

On a caffeine high

Where will I be when I stop wondering why

On a caffeine high... high...

So high so high you left me undone

so high, so high you left me undone....

Well what do you think Jaya?"

"Are you sure that we haven't played that before? It seems, almost something more familiar."

"Nope never played it. It's all about my love for caf and how much it hurts to not have it."

"Hmm. I guess we'll see when we play our next show." The hyperspace alert sounded. "Hey! We must be coming up on Kashyyk! Let's get Lowie on the screen!"

The Punks rushed over to contact Lowie and after kicking the receiver a few times, they finally got a hold of him and we're in shock. The crumpled to the ground in laughter. Tenel Ka was the first to recover. "Uh hello friend Lowie. If you don't mind me asking, who shaved you?"

[Andy 60]

> Anyone want to post? I'm really not in the mood. <

[Mara 29]

I had an idea I wanted to run with anyway.... sure.

...

[Mara 29]

Nar Shaddaa....

People were screaming. Ben could barely hear himself think while waiting backstage to go on.

He stared at his guitar. He still couldn't get over what had happened the day before. For what he could work out it seemed that the guitar had taken him over. He couldn't think of any other explanation for him actually being able to play and sing.

He walked over to peek through the curtain. There were thousands of people out there. A few were holding up signs that said "I love you, Ben Dagger!". Those ones scared Ben the most because he didn't even know those people. Let alone, he didn't know how they even knew him. This was his first concert.

Just then, E. Palpy came up to him.

"Ready, my young one?"

"I guess."

"It's almost time."

Ben took a gulp of air. Yeah and I still don't know what I'm going to do about Palpy and his evil plan....

He was still thinking along those lines when a stage hand shoved him through the curtain and pulled it up.

Ben gaped at all the people.

"Uh.... hello Nar Shaddaa?"

The audience screamed.

He took a deep breath and strummed his guitar. It took over and he began singing along to the tune it was playing.

Ben no longer thought about Palpatine's plan. His eyes glazed over as he continued to play.

.....

Around the perimeters, various Gungan troopers held vigil to keep the audience members from leaving. Though, they were so enthralled with Ben Dagger's performance, they would have had to be dragged away.

More troopers left from behind the stage, with E. Palpy hidden within their ranks. He shoved some ear plugs in and thought,

"Now, time to implement my plan. Everyone around the galaxy will be watching this concert, either here on Nar Shaddaa or via the HoloNet. That boy will be playing for hours. No one will be able to stop me, this time." He cackled with glee and headed off to his secret underground base with his small army.

......

Having finally arrived at Nar Shaddaa, Luke and the Sabre, along with the other transport ships, lay in wait for the oppurtune moment. Luke have given some more pills to Mara, for good measure. He didn't need her running around in a murderous rampage right now.

He scanned around, looking for some sign of anything. Wait, what's that? He zoomed in on some lifeforms he had seen. Stormtroopers... and Palpatine!

"Aha!"

He opened up a comm to his troops. "Other side of the planet, deploy!"

They acknowledged and Luke took the Sabre in after them.

....

Palpatine was hurrying through the underbrush along with his troopers when he heard several large engines nearby.

"Yousa Sir!" yelled the Gungan captain to Palpatine.

He glanced up to see a dozen open transports with....something strange inside. And then he heard the voice.

It was Luke Skywalker. "Blast it all!" Palpatine turned and ran, after telling his troopers to defend him.

Luke's voice came from his ship, amplified by the Force, as his own troops deployed from the transports.

"You can't run far, Palpatine. You will be stopped.

I have found a Grand Army.... Me and my Clown Troopers will defeat you!"

The battalions of clowns jumped down onto the ground, amid squeaks, as they hurried toward the Gungans.

[Andy 60]

On board Harlequinn, Lowie growled at the other Punks who had dressed him in a long fur coat, despite his insistance that pink Wookiees were the way of the future.

None of the Punks had been too impressed, except Tahiri who seemed to be trying to agree that nakedness was the way forward, and Tenal Ka who seemed transfixed on Lowie's Wookiee-sized... Ahem, anyways. The rest of the Punks weren't too impressed. And while Vader piloted the ship to Nar Shaddaa they set about re-training Lowie to realise that he should really cover up.

* * * * *

Outside the concert hall, Palpy had long-since fled and the battle between the Clown Troopers and Palpy's Gungans was in full-swing.

Floppy shoes and floppy ears flopped about floppily all of the floppin' place. Occasionally a red nose would bounce past and hit a Gungan soldier in the eye. Gungan energy balls and custard pies filled the air.

Spotting a weak point in the Gungan defense, Luke shouted over to Mara, "Come on, now is our chance! We have to follow Palpatine!"

"Right behind you Farm Boy!" She called back, before quietly muttering something about 'how many times do we have to kill that guy'.

"Duck!" one of the Clown Troopers yelled at Mara. She dropped to the ground as the Clown threw a bucket of confetti over her head, right into the face of a Gungan, who fell to the ground and screamed "Oh Force, my EYES!"

Mara got up and brushed herself down. "Thanks trooper," she said.

The trooper honked his horn and plodded away to join the other Clown's in the melee.

Luke pushed past the Clowns and reached the weak point, slaughtering Gungans left and right to reach the place where Palpatine had fled. From there he and Mara tried to trace his footsteps.

* * * * *

The Punks had reached Nar Shaddaa, and were just adding the finishing touches to their outfits.

Anakin and Tahiri had short red and pink hair respectively, both styled in rediculously impossible-looking spikes and wore matching black and red flightsuits. Anakin's said "Jedi" and Tahiri's said "Punks" on the front.

Jacen wore his trademark all-black, with his bright blue hair spiked dangerously with SuperHoldToughGuyGel, and was trying to help Tenel Ka pull on her green knee-length boots that she had bought especially to go with her mini skirt and tube top.

Although Jaina had attempted to wear her turquois hair up, it was so long that it still went down past her waist. She was currently pursuading Zekk to put on the Rocky Horror-esque outfit she had picked for him.

Lowie was getting used to his fur coat, and had customised it with various safety pins and button badges, and a nice purple tint.

Vader paced back and forth breathing heavily, "hurry up, we're almost there!"

"Grampa!" Jaina cried, "who's piloting the ship!?"

"Oh crap!" Vader stumbled back in the direction cockpit, and the punks were violently thrown to the side of the room as he narrowly avoided a tower block.

The punks lay there in a big heap for a moment. Suddenly Anakin, who was on the bottom, started crying.

"What is it bro?" Jacen asked from somewhere near the top of the pile.

"There's a snake next to my face!"

Lowie grumbled something, and everyone groaned in disgust.

"What did he say?" Anakin complained, "I didn't hear!"

"You don't want to!" Tahiri screamed at him.

"What the hell?" Vader said as he walked in, "why aren't you getting ready?"

"Help! Snake!" cried Anakin.

"GRAMPA!" Jaina yelled.

"Oh dammit, sorry!" Vader sprinted back to the cockpit, and the Punks were catapulted over to the other side of the room landing in slightly different positions.

The room was quiet again for a moment, then Anakin spoke up again. "That's not a snake, but I'd rather it was," he started crying loudly.

* * * * *

Ben let the guitar guide his performance. It was making him a star... He was beginning to like this. Whatever E. Palpy's plan was it was making him famous!

Just as he came to the end of the song, the crowd looked up as a ship hovered overhead.

Without warning, the Punks dropped down onto the stage and looked at Ben.

"Ben, what are you doing?" Jacen shouted at his cousin.

Ben looked at his guitar. "I am becoming more powerful than any rock star... Even you!"

As Ben looked up he let a powerful chord sound, causing the ground to shake and the Jedi Punks lost their balance, somehow landing in one big heap.

The crowd went wild!

"Oh, not again..." Whimpered Anakin from the bottom of the pile.

The Punks stood up and picked up their instruments.

"That's what you think!"

They nodded at eachother, and let lose with one of their most popular riffs from their hit song "Smells Like Sith Spirits".

The crowd booed angrily.

"What's going on?" Tenel Ka asked, confused.

"I don't know..." mused Zekk.

"See!" Cried Ben, "they love me, and they think you suck!"

The Punks decided to go even more daring, with a full minute of "Anarchy in the GFFA".

Still the crowd were unimpressed, and threw rotten fruit at the band.

Ben cackled loudly, and the guitar willed him to play. He did it's bidding, and spotlights burst with the ferocity of his musical assault.

The crowd loved it!

The Punks looked at Ben with grim determination, and went for the heavy metal track "The Number Of The Rancor", which and been originally song by their friends Durasteel Maiden.

The sounds was so intense, that several speakers blew up and parts of the stage collapsed, several members of the audience near the front even disintegrated.

But still, the Punks were forced to take shelter from the torrent of rotten vegetables and thermal detonators.

"Where do they get rotten vegetables from at a rock concert?" Anakin asked.

"I'm more concerened about the thermal detonators at the moment, Anakin..." Tahiri replied.

Ben responded with the most amazing guitar solo, ironically from the Punks' own song "Turbolift to Heaven".

Lightning struck the ground around him, and the guitar glowed with some kind of aura that made everyone have to sheild their eyes.

"This is Sith!" Jacen said, "Whats going on here?"

* * * * *

"Son!" Vader shouted as he caught up with Luke and Mara

"Father! Palpatine is just around this corner!"

Together, they ran around the corner, and caught up with Palpatine at last.

"Oh for crying out loud," the Emperor cursed, "you Skywalker's are so damn annoying."

"It's not Palpatine you need to stop, anyway," a deep voice said. "Your son Ben holds The Guitar!"

"I know that voice..." Vader growled. "Count Dooku!"

The man stepped from the shadows, "No, I am the great wizard Saruman the White."

"Oh, but you look and sound just like him..." Vader said.

"You should know, Vader. It was you who killed my old apprentice." Palpatine reminded him.

"I killed you too, but you're here."

"Touche," nodded Palpatine.

"Wait," Luke interrupted, "what guitar."

"Not just any guitar," Saruman explained, "this is The One Guitar to Rule Them All!"

"I thought that was a legend!" Mara cried.

"Huh?" Luke was confused.

"Haven't you ever seen the holomovie 'The Lord of the Guitars' by JRR Storywriter?"

"I guess not," Luke admitted.

"With the Guitar in his hands, nothing can stop him becoming the richest rock star in the universe!"

"Where do you and Palpatine come into this?" Vader asked.

"Why, we intend on spending the money he makes!" Palpatine cackled. "We're like the evil record company."

"We will crush all who oppose us, the Wookiees, the Corellians, the Ents--"

"Ents?" Echoed Palpatine.

"Wrong universe, sorry," Saruman cleared his throat, "there will be no dawn... for men."

They both erupted into evil cackling.

Just then Yoda arrived. At least, they thought it was Yoda. The little green Jedi Master, was wearing red lipstick, a yellow curly wig, and a floral patterned dress.

"Mrs Pennypoof!" Palpatine cried happily, rushing over to Yoda.

Everyone else stared blankly.

"Oh, I remember when you used to babysit me when I was a child..." Palpatine sobbed, "If only you hadn't have left me I would never have turned to the Dark Side!"

"Care to explain?" Vader asked.

"Many years ago, before my sex change," Yoda explained, "babysitter for the Palpatine's, I was."

"Sex change?" Luke gasped.

"Long story it is," Yoda said. "I joined the Jedi Order, and leave Naboo I had to."

"Yes, the Jedi took you away from me!" Palpatine hugged Mrs Pennypoof tightly.

"I have something to tell you, younge Palpatine," Yoda said sadly, and took off his wig.

"Master Yoda!?" Palpatine sat back in shock, "all this time it was you?"

"Oh brother..." Vader muttered and banged his head against the nearest wall. "I can't believe he was my master..."

"Which one?" asked Luke.

"EITHER of them!"

"Bah, forget this, I'm going back to Middle-earth." Saruman pouted, "at least there people fear their big scary wizards!"

"Will you shut up?" Luke asked Saruman.

"See what I mean?" Saruman ran towards Luke, waving his hands in the air. "FEAR ME!!!" He shouted.

Mara punched him in the face, and he spun around and crumpled to the floor. "How irritating," she commented.

"Let's get back to my ship," Vader said.

They took one last look behind, at Mrs Pennypoof comforting Palpatine.

"We'd better get Ben," Mara said.

* * * * *

The Punks and Ben were spamming rock music at eachother, the crowd was caught between loving the sound and tearing their ears off, seemingly unsure of whether to cheer or boo.

Mara stormed past the remaining Clown Troopers and Gungans and up onto the stage and screamed somehow louded than the music, "BENJAMIN SKYWALKER!"

The remaining intact part of the concert arena collapsed, and everyone stopped playing. Mara walked up to Ben and grabbed the One Guitar.

"Nooooooo! My precious!" Ben cried, as Mara threw it down a convieniently placed garbage disposal chute.

The crowd gasped and started laughing at Ben, who cried and ran to Vader's ship.

The Jedi Punks climbed out from under the rubble, and looked at Mara. "You lot, I want to see you ALL in the Jedi Council chamber tomorrow morning!"

"Yes Master Skywalker!" The Punks ran to Vader's ship also.

Mara looked at the audience, who stood in stunned silence, "as for you lot... Go home and rethink your lives."

They did.

* * * * *

The next day, The Jedi Council agreed that the Jedi Punks were just too dangerous to be allowed to continue, and they reluctantly returned to the Jedi Temple. Yoda retired, and he and Palpatine moved into a retirement home. Vader continued to train new students at the Jedi Academy, and after a lengthly investigation it was agreed that his involvement in the Gungan Army incident with Palpatine was false; as the only holos showing evidence apparently seemed to show just an old Imperial Army promotional cardboard cutout of Darth Vader in the background.

Meanwhile at the bottom of the garbage chute, a duracrete slug slithered slowly over a strange garbage-covered object with strings, accidently striking a chord... Although unable to talk, you could almost swear it said the word "precious".

THE END

May the Force be with you!