Chickenman

John Knight's life has been one of triumph, tragedy, triumph again, another smidgen of tragedy, a half cup more of triumph, and a sprinkle of more triumph on top of that. Dude, I totally just spellchecked that sentence, and "smidgen" is actually a word. I guess you learn something new every day. Anyway, John was born and raised by mountain Sherpas in the Himalayas, though somehow never learned how to ski. He's always wanted to, but never got around to it, you know? It's been on his to do list, but things keep coming up. It's even worse because it's a winter sport, and winter gets busy, especially with the shorter days and everything. Anyway, John eventually grew bored of his surroundings, and made up his mind to make it big in America. So one day, he packed up his things, said goodbye to his favorite yak, Beatrice, and went on his way. (Funny story: The next day John's parents killed and ate Beatrice. To this day, John wonders why she never replies to his postcards. He assumes it's because she's only a damn yak, and he's half right.)

John eventually washed up on the golden shores of America, the land of opportunity. Specifically, he found himself outside of Los Angeles. His dumb little head filled with delusions of grandeur, he dreamed of becoming an actor. He actually met with moderate success. In his big screen debut, a cameo appearance in Three Men and a Baby, he played a creepy ghost child in  a mirror. If you look closely, you can see it. He was the puppeteer for the gopher and Caddyshack, and his voice acting credits include making the "waka waka waka" noises in Pac Man. Frusterated at the lack of work he was getting at the turn of the 90s, John instead turned to writing. His  writing credits include: "Me: The Autobiography" and the the 1988 edition of Webster's Dictionary. This is also the first edition to include the word "t***." Coincidence? I think not! To this day, the word makes him giggle uncontrollably, sounding much like the death rattle of a baby mouse.

John's hobbies include pyrotechnics, penguin caging, and Ultimate Frisbee, often at the same time. He can play the guitar in his sleep, which is to say, he often dreams about being able to play the guitar. John also likes to speak in the third person.

What does the future hold for John Knight? That is a question that only John can answer. By the way, don't ask John questions. He's retired to the life of a hermit, hiding in secrecy in a cave just outside of Sierra Vista, Arizona. 31?32'44"N, 110?16'35"W. Take a right just past the Hendersons' mobile home. Unless the mobile home moved. No, not those Hendersons. Yeah, Tony Henderson. John will be in the cave on the right, just past there, just off the road. But don't go there, he's living in secrecy. Also, don't try to email him either. He doesn't even know why he keeps that email address anymore. Ah yes, now he remembers. He's waiting for a reply from that damned Nigerian Prince with the money. So yeah, thanks for reading this bio. You really don't have that much to do do you? No? Your life sounds pretty boring. Perhaps you could spruce it up a bit by writing a fake bio?